Trial and Error Type of Guy

Virgin Again

2009-07-16T09:12:00.000-07:00

So I have this outlook on sex that pisses Mulan off. According to me, a guy regains his virginity if he goes a year without sex or fornication because the next time he does do anything, it will be quick and done with as if it was his first time. This does not apply to chicks obviously because the presence, or lack of, a hymen will determine her virginity.

Therefore I am a virgin again. Me = saintly virgin. Suck on that Mulan. xD

All The Way

2009-07-08T12:18:00.000-07:00

There are few commanders in the military that are willing to do something fun for their troops, but thankfully I have one of those commanders. He had this great idea that for the whole morning, instead of going to work, we should go to the lake and do some team building training. All we did was go for a quick run and play snake tag in the water. After that everyone just goofed off in the water, fished, flirted with the girls at the lake, or was on a tube that was being pulled across the lake by our commander's boat.

Some of the guys started using their shirts to catch fish and after a few successful catches my squad leader started yelling for me to join in. However, I acted like a cocky asshol instead saying, "I don't need a fucking shirt OR a fishing pole. I'll catch a fucking fish with my hands." So I grabbed some peanuts and a slice of watermelon and headed into the water. I chewed up the peanut shells and spit them into the water to attract the fish to me. I stuck the watermelon slice into the sand and cupped my hands around it and waited patiently. After ten minutes a school of fish started nipping at the watermelon and my hands, and with my motherfucking badass quick reflexes I snagged a fish and brought it out of the water and loudly stated, "WHO'S THE FUCKING BADASS NOW BITCHES!"

Then someone had to throw another challenge at me saying, "If you are so badass, then you'll have no problem getting that girl's number." I cut a deal with some of the guys that if I got her number they would pitch in and pay me $100. So I walked over to her.

Me: Hey, what's up.
Her: Sorry, some of your buddies already tried. No thanks.
Me: What do you think I came over here for?
Her: To ask me if I wanted to give you head in the woods like all the other guys did.
Me: What the fuck?! That's why they came to talk to you?!
Her: Yes!
Me: Damn, I am really sorry. They're just a buncha stupid grunts.
Her: And you aren't?
Me: No, not really. I'm a pretty humble guy. (I'm so full of shit)
Her: Why did you come over here then?
Me: I just wanted to talk to you.
Her: There are more than enough girls already over there with y'all.
Me: Yeah but they're kinda slutty. If I wanted a blowjob, I would have kept flirting with that girl in the blue.
Her: Yeah that's one of my friends; she liked your tattoo, so she made a bet with my other friends that she could get you to fuck her in the water. (What the fuck!)
Me: Well I'm not like that.
Her: Well why did you come to talk to me then?
Me: Because you were here alone so I figured you weren't like the rest of them.
Her: And it's not to win some bet?
Me: I came here because I wanted to talk to you, but they threw in the bet, so I figured I could use that money to take you out on a date.
Her: Hmmm. Maybe.
Me: How about this, we exchange numbers and we can chat or text, and if you feel like you want to go out with me, I'll use that money for our first date. If we don't click, I'll never bug you again.
Her: Ok fair enough. *She tells me her name and gives me her number*
Me: Well I have to get going. I'll talk to you later.
Her: Nice meeting you.

I walk back and collect my hundred dollars. I will probably call and text her but I doubt we will actually go out. The most important thing is I won a hundred dollars and everyone in my company thinks I am the most slick, charming fuck in the unit.

After that we went to lunch and returned to post to go to work. I misinterpreted my squad leader to be a deep conversationalist.

SL: Why are we here?
Me: No one knows the true meaning of Life, but all we can do is live it and we don't die because of some stupid shit.
SL: No, why are we in this uniform?
Me: Because we are paratroopers serving in the fucking US Army.
SL: No, I mean, like why are we at work right now. I'm bored.
Me: Oh. I don't fucking know man! You're MY boss. You tell me!
SL: Call the dad and ask him.
Me: No, because if we call the XO he will give us work to do.
SL: You're right. Ok, lock the doors and unplug the phones, I'm taking a nap.

BTW, Why is a girl so adamant about me reading those fucking Twilight books?

Have an airborne day,
565 Airborne, out.

Rude Whores These Days

2009-07-07T15:41:00.000-07:00

I usually try to avoid conflicts and start incidents. Well, no. That is a lie.

I went to return some keys to a friend and thank her for letting me use her car while I tried to fix my truck when I saw Whiskey Tango Kike and I started to talk to him about last rotation and his trip to Vegas. I was interrupted twice by this dike bitch but she at least apologized, so I bit my tongue, glared at her, and just walked away.

Then I went to go to talk to my buddy that used to be in my unit and see if he wanted to drink a bit. I was chatting with him for a few minutes when this barracks whore heard us talking about liquor and just jumped in the conversation. Neither one of us knew this bitch. All I know about her is that she is a whore and I know this for a fact because half my battalion has fucked her. Then one of her boyfriends from some pog, leg unit on post came up. I am trying to carry out a conversation with my buddy and she just kept interrupting me! I got frustrated and said, "I am sorry but being a whore does not make you more important than people, especially an airborne soldier like myself, so how about you go stuff another cock in your mouth or just shut your fucking trap!"

For some reason, this truth really angered her and she tried to punch me. I tried to use her momentum against my throwing a palm thrust at her fist but just fucked up her wrist instead. When she fell to the ground in pain her fag boyfriend tried to swing at me. I side stepped and blocked his punch. I tried to hit him in the chin but he leaned forward too much and I hit him in the chest. It was good enough to knock the wind out of him for half a minute though.

So for half a minute there were too weak bitches on the ground in pain. As this happened my buddy just stood there being black and saying, "Oh shit nigga!!!! Youz crazy nigga!!!"

I just split after that and my buddy told me he pretended to not know my name so I could avoid any punishment for assault and battery. I have not heard anything so far today, and I doubt I will actually receive any punishment. Shit tends to get swept under the rug with this unit.

Now if you are going to bitch about me hurting a girl that attacked me, well then you are not a firm believer in equal opportunity.

Have an airborne day,
565 Airborne, out.

Fett's Vette

2009-07-04T01:06:00.000-07:00

I bully my friends.

Mulan: about being asian

Jazzy: I always call her a slut

Poon Boy: for having the most sensitive nipples ever

J-Hound: for not being a man slut

Trenches: I always remind him my unit is better than his

Careeeesa: because of "things" I found out that belonged to her

Magpie: for dating a jew

Das Auge: because he's blind in one eye

Truth is I only do it because I am bored and I LOVE to joke around. These people and any other friends I did not mention are awesome and I never for once take for granted the friendships I have been blessed with.

So as a tribute to my friends and them sticking with me through all my crazy antics, I am going to walk back and forth to the laundry room wearing only a pair of boxers that are too small. I am doing this until all my laundry is done. Sure it's 2am and not many people are outside, but someone will notice and I do not care.

It is too hot to wear clothes anyways.

Have an airborne day,
565 Airborne, out.

Porn WAF

2009-06-16T22:29:00.000-07:00

Still cleaning out my inbox.

Found this message that Poon Boy sent me while I was in basic training.

From: Poon Boy
To: xD Date: Jul 9, 2007 2:41 PM

Subject: PORN WAF!

thats it, ive actually done it. i have found a porn with a fish in it. lolololol!
http://www.XTube.com/play_re.php?v=985orgfy7ss&cl=XBMaRkiJoqU
enjoy... hahaha

Communication

2009-06-16T15:59:00.000-07:00

Another old message I found in my inbox. This is a conversation Big Mike had with a mutual friend. So of course he forwarded me the original message and his response. He has this tendency to word things so he is still insulting and apologetic at the same time.

From: ~Ruby~Date: Jan 23, 2008 7:34 PM
you know what michael, i don't ask for much. but i do need you to respect me. but you obviously don't, and i really don't care anymore. wow, you're not afraid of me, so you don't respect me? thats bullshit and you know it. you know what, im done with this. i don't deserve this from you or anyone for that matter.

From: Big Mike Date: Jan 23, 2008 9:29 PM
you're right and that's what i've been trying to tell you. Maybe you need to work on your listening skills.

Snake's 40 Dollar Rule

2009-06-16T15:49:00.001-07:00

I found this from over a year ago.
I am sure my friends know who said this.

"okay so ur going out with a girl, and u go out to dinner or whatever, and she orders her food, and you guys maybe go see a movie. well before u spend over 40 bucks, u better be goddamn sure as fuck that u are at least getting a blowjob, and at the very least a handjob, and if ur desperate a long make out session. if u dont feel that this is going to happen, use the old "oh i just realized i wrote a check for (fill in the blank) and im a little low on dough on my debit" then she pays xD."

Have an airborne day,
565 Airborne, out.

Mulan Asks....I Answer Truthfully

2009-06-15T05:55:00.000-07:00

Mulan: [Iceman], if [Poon Boy] and i were to get married, how wild would u make the bachelor party???
Me: seriously, i probably wouldnt have any sluts involved
Me: but there would be lots of alcohol
Me: and lots of ridiculous shit going on
Mulan: what ridiculous shit?
Mulan: lol
Me: vandalism, streaking, mooning, flashing, more vandalism
Me: maybe fucking around with dangerous shit
Me: like explosives
Mulan: -___-
Mulan: omg
Mulan: but whatever happened to bachelor party 101 rules
Mulan: a stripper must be involved
Mulan: haha
Mulan: got that from the office
Me: only if i knew another manslut was there
Me: because everyone would keep her from sleeping with [Poon Boy]
Me: but i know my friends
Me: and they would achieve this by making me sleep with her

Who would definitely be there and why they would try to force me to fuck the stripper:

Big Mike: has a girlfriend, not the cheating type
J-Hound: does not drink, is not a man slut
Trenches: has a girlfriend, not the cheating type, not a man slut
Das Auge: not a man slut

Who I would need to be there to fuck the stripper and why they would do it

Mr. 562: I bet I can talk him into it
Tito: According to Jazzy, never has been drunk; first time getting drunk would make him vulnerable to tits and ass
Mulan's older brother: According to Mulan, he needs to get some, I could talk him into it
Mulan's younger brother: see above
Frat Boy: likes to drink, I will roofie his ass if I have to get him to do it
Shismal Schlii Schmaa Liqua: has been wanting to fuck a stripper since he found out I did

Why I would not fuck the stripper

Never again
My slut days are over contrary to what my friends believe (lack of faith bastards)
Never again
I am not giving anyone a legitimate reason to call me a slut
Never again
I am not giving Mulan ammunition to counterattack me for bullying her about talking Poon Boy into fornicating in my bathroom at my birthday party......multiple times

Have an airborne day,
565 Airborne, out.

Not Fucking Believable

2009-06-11T22:14:00.000-07:00

I sometimes wonder if college is to blame for unleashing this innate ability to come up with ridiculously funny analogies in my best friend.

Poon Boy: **** is a really chill chick
Poon Boy: cant believe none of us have tapped that
Poon Boy: fucking unbelievable
Me: i know
Me: whats wrong with us
Poon Boy: its like finding 20 bucks in a pair of some jeans u skeeted on while at the strip club
Poon Boy: FUCKING UNBELIEVABLE

Have an airborne day,
565 Airborne, out.

Summer Vacation

2009-06-08T10:57:00.001-07:00

Recap from my two weeks at home.

Had my birthday party. I drank way too much and ended up blowing a .43 on my breathalyzer; Poon Boy blew a .38. Tucker Max was right, buying a breathalyzer was a bad idea. Sure enough I blacked out. The party was way too wild: Poon Boy and Mulan fornicated in my bathroom multiple times, once while my sister waited outside needing to go real bad, random people showed up who were not even aquaintances let alone friends, and yet somehow I did not piss myself. The next few days I received many texts and phonecalls from concerned friends wondering if I was still alive.

Went to Disneyland for the first time in a decade, with Poon Boy, Mulan, and Dimsum Girl. Poon Boy and Mulan like to play a game where they try to spot shoes called "Crocs" but I got frustrated with Poon Boy's domineering height advantage at being able to spot them farther away, so I created a new game where we would try to spot the most sluttiest girls at the park. Of course I won, but Mulan's ability to spot a slutty girl is admirable.

Watched all the Laker games with the homies at JHound's house. Some of us have a suspicion that JHound and Magpie have been fornicating recently.

Watched the movie Up; most depressing kid's movie I have ever seen.

Went to downtown LA to go to Chinatown and Olvera Street(Mexican version of Chinatown) in which Poon Boy and I bought: turtles, butterfly knives, rice hat, sombrero, poncho, a lucha libre mask, a plant, and Pancho Villa posters.

Went to Mulan's niece's birthday party. Since Poon Boy bought her the only Disney princess movie left at Best Buy, I bought her the next best thing any kid would love, fucking candy. It was a big hit, but as soon as she opened it, I heard Mulan's sister yell, "What the heck you trying to do, give my kid diabetes?!" When all the kids got tired of being in the bouncer, Poon Boy, Mulan's two brothers, and two brothers-in-law wanted to hold an MMA tournament in the bouncer. Needless to say, I kicked everyone's ass. Something that Poon Boy pointed out that I found hilarious and ironic was how everyone in Mulan's family was born in Vietnam except for Mulan and her younger brother. However, her younger brother has the thickest accent and Mulan talks like a white girl from Venice Beach. After the party ended, Mulan, Poon Boy and I were sitting around bored when we decided to go to Arcadia where Mulan's friend, Banannie, was working. Banannie is a somewhat shy girl who apparantly gets weirded out easily, so Mulan and Poon Boy thought it would be funny to send my charming ass to flirt with her. When we got there, I went into the Vans store and instantly identified her from looking at her pictures that Mulan showed me. I waited until she left the cash register and asked for help. While she did her best to help me pick out something to "buy for my brother" I ignored every word she said and tried to think of how I would flirt with her. I decided to just compliment her smile, because she did have a pretty smile. That was all that was needed to weird her out because right after I said, "Has anyone told you that you have a really pretty smile?" she started to run red, smiled awkwardly, took two steps away, slinked her shoulder, and TRIED to walk away while saying, "If you need any more help, just come ask me," but sounded more like a string of soft spoken murmurs. Then I went to get Poon Boy and Mulan so we could all let her know it was just a little prank. It was fucking hilarious. According to Mulan, this is what Banannie had to say about the prank:

"For some reason he looks really young, but I was thinking, 'Damn. This kid is a smooth talker.'"

Went to Frugos(one of those new frozen yogurt places everyone seems to have a boner for) with Poon Boy, JHound, Magpie, and La Amiga. Poon Boy and I know this somewhat shy, reserved, nice girl that works there and Poon Boy wondered if he would get a discount by telling them he was her boyfriend. So of course he did, and lied to them. The cashier was a senior at our alma mater and her eyes lit up with happiness when Poon Boy told her he had been dating this girl for two months. He got the discount.

Magpie is dating a Jew. Just had to throw that out there. A Jew.

Bought Mulan and Poon Boy a porno. Mulan asked me a few months ago to buy her a porno for her and Poon Boy to watch together. I told her I would get it if she really wanted it so I did. Mulan was just joking, but I did not know, so now Mulan has a porno that her siblings want to borrow, but she said she may watch it with Banannie or Dimsum Girl one day while they scissor.

Pissed off my mom by water the lawn in the morning and only wearing boxers and a wifebeater.

While watching Game 1 of the NBA finals, I convinced Cindy that Magpie and Jhound were in a relationship that was strictly sexual. Magpie was pissed.

Had my last day kickback like always. My grandpa entertained everyone. He kept asking Magpie why did she break her leg, as if she did it on purpose, but the funniest was when he implied that Jazzy hooked up with him before already. I will hold this against her forever.

Have an airborne day,

565 Airborne, out.

Fucking Gooks

2009-06-08T07:40:00.000-07:00

Conversation with my squad leader this morning.

Me: So how was leave?
SL: Amazing.
Me: You got fat.
SL: Everyone keeps telling me that!
Me: Cause you did get fat. Dude, I just saw you scarf down a LARGE bag of Chex Mix in under ten minutes!
SL: Ehh. How was your leave?
Me: Pretty awesome.
SL: How was your birthday?
Me: I got wasted. Blew a .43.
SL: You should be dead.
Me: I know, but I'm not, because I trained well with you and your friends from the jungle.
SL: Don't you have a Vietnamese friend in LA?
Me: Yeah, my best friend's girlfriend, but she's not from the jungle. She's from Saigon. They can't hang.
SL: No they can't, fucking pussies. She died after one shot huh?
Me: It was half a shot. It was enough though to make her go to the bathroom with her man several times.
SL: She puked?!
Me: No.
SL: OH SHIT! She touched him where he pees!
Me: Hahahaha, YES!
SL: You should have beat her with a bamboo stick.
Me: I think I PLIHP smacked her a few times.
SL: Good. Did you touch any girls where they pee?
Me: No....
SL: WHY NOT?!
Me: If I tell you, you're going to get mad.
SL: You already pissed me off.
Me: Well fuck you. But yeah, I fell in love with a girl...
SL: WHAT THE FUCK HAVE I TOLD YOU NOT TO DO?!?!
Me: Drugs.
SL: What else?!
Me: Drink with white girls.
SL: What else damnit?!
Me: Fall in love. HAHAHA

*Squad leader gives me an hour lecture about not falling in love*

SL: Call her or text her and dump her.
Me: No, fuck you.
SL: I'm giving you an order!
Me: I'm telling you to eat a dick!
SL: I do not approve of this.
Me: She's not asian.
SL: I'm gonna let this slide....for now, because she's not asian.

He then proceeded to lecture why not to date American girls of Asian descent. His main argument was that they do not act like traditional gook girls in that they live to serve their significant other and will call the police if you beat them.

Fucking gook ass straight from the jungle.

Have an airborne day,
565 Airborne, out.

Man I Love This Guy

2009-05-13T23:25:00.000-07:00

Poon Boy has the sole intent of pimping me to regress my moral state back to nothing short of a slut; for my personal gain of course.

Best fucking friend ever.

Have an airborne day,
565 Airborne, out.

Death of a Teenage Dirtbag

2009-05-12T08:45:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was my 20th birthday ending my teenage years. I am no longer a teenage dirtbag(Wheatus), I am just a dirtbag now. Here is how I celebrated this melancholy date:

Got sick
Went to the S-3 shop to cough and sneeze on everyone's computers and phones to spread my illness
Sat in the rain for two hours trying to think of how to celebrate; all my friends are in the field
Took a nap
Started drinking
Chatted with friends online
Contemplated seeking help for my alcoholism(Someone tried to convince me, cannot remember who)
Decided I will seek help for my alcoholism when my life gets REAL shitty
Determined I would blow a .20 before midnight for my 20th(buying that breathalyzer was a bad idea)
Gave bad advice/suggestions to Brownie, Mulan, Poon Boy(though he had worse ideas)
Finished my bottle of Martell
Blew a .20 at 11:30 pm
Became enraged that someone stole my idea for the koala hug
Looked at pictures of exes and think about failed relationships; fall into depression
Made Brownie tell me a story to subdue my depression; it worked; she did a good job
Decided to drink beer to calm my rage
Blacked out somewhere around 2 am
Woke up to my team leader calling me on the phone; I am an hour late for work
I blow into my breathalyzer to see if I am good enough to drive my truck to the office; I blow a .15 at 10 am, guess not
I walk to my office; I realize I am in no condition to operate a motor vehicle(Good thing I have that breathalyzer)
Contemplate seeking help for my alcoholism
Finished two hours of paperwork in 30 minutes; determined I do NOT have a drinking problem
It is 11 am; I blow a .13; feeling less drunk and more hungover

Being sick and hungover makes me want to die. Right now I really wish a 40 mike mike would blow my head open. I cannot wait to go home and REALLY celebrate with my friends.

Have an airborne day,

565 Airborne, out.

Poon Boy's Magic Mark

2009-05-11T00:21:00.000-07:00

I cannot sleep. I tried to but it was not happening, so I opted to stay up instead. Fuck it, it is my birthday. Since I decided to stay up I ended up chatting with a girl back home. She is the friend of my cousin's ex-girlfriend and eventhough they broke up awhile ago, this girl keeps talking to me, well, because I am fucking awesome. This girl never met me though and has actually boloed on two dates on me already. I am not expecting to go out with her when I go home though, because all I really care about is hanging out with my friends and family. Since I was going to stay up I figured I would humor her anyways and just talk to her. We were talking for awhile when I started talking about Poon Boy and then I mentioned Poon Boy's birthmark to her.

Me: Yeah he's a great friend. He always tries to find me a girlfriend and if he can't, he's a great wingman and works to get me laid.
Her: When you come home, I'll make you fall in love with me.
Me: Hahaha we'll see.
Her: Yes we will.
Me: I think you're going to end up falling in love with [Poon Boy].
Her: What the fuck? What makes you say that?
Me: He has this magic birthmark.
Her: What?!
Me: He has this birthmark that makes girls fall in love with him. His girlfriend gets mad when he's around other girls because she knows that birthmark is a visual aphrodisiac.
Her: Whatever.
Me: It's true. Let me find a picture.
Her: It's not going to make me fall in love with him.
Me: Yes it will.
Her: No it won't. I'm interested in you.
Me: You say that now; that mark will hook you.
Her: Whatever.
*I forward her a picture of him*
Me: See.
Her: ........
Me: It's got you hooked already.
Her: Whatever!
Me: .......
Her: Ok it does look good on him oddly.
Me: It got you already, and you haven't seen him in person. At my birthday party, don't ogle him too much or else you may have a small asian girl shooting blowdarts at your neck for checking out her man.
Her: Hahaha I won't ogle him!
Me: You say that now.
Her: I do kinda want to see him in person now though.
Me: I knew it.

Have an airborne day,
565 Airborne, out.

Change of Plans

2009-05-07T19:22:00.000-07:00

I am going home this month afterall. It will be a much needed mental health vacation.

Here is my usual vacation bucket list:

Go to In N Out

Get drunk with Poon Boy

Get drunk with Jazz

Have a hedonismfest at my house as my birthday party

Go to IHOP

Make Bessie feel special by taking her to dinner while in uniform

Buy Poon Boy and Mulan a shared lap dance

Take Frank, Amiga, and Magpie to a strip club

Introduce a new stage of inebriation to Mulan

Outdrink all of Mulan's people

Get drunk at Disneyland with Poon Boy

Abduct Das Auge; tell his family he was deported

Kidnap Ali

Wig out on niaicin and Joltcola

Have my sister serve me scotch while I watch the Great Gatsby

Get SlumJPuppy to do commit one immoral act
Get into fights
Jam with Darth Wenis and The Schwarz again

Child's Play

2009-04-29T10:43:00.000-07:00

It has been awhile since I read Jazzy's blog, but I read one of her posts from last month and it really intrigued me. It was this quote from Maya Angelou:

"I am convinced that most people do not grow up. We find parking spaces and honor our credit cards. We marry and dare to have children and call that growing up. I think what we do is mostly grow old. We carry accumulationg of years in our bodies and on our faces, but generally our real selves, the children inside, are still innocent and shy as magnolias. We may act sophistocated and worldly but I believe we feel safest when we go inside ourselves and find home, a place where we belong and maybe the only place we do. "

It made me want to laugh because just the other day I was talking to Mulan about how I am going to act like I am 14 again. That was the most blissful age for me so far; all I cared about was playing guitar, exercising, watching cartoons, and sneaking booze with my cousin. I did not care about dating yet, acting mature, or what people thought of me. That is what I am doing again; I am 14. I go to work, go back to my room and watch cartoons, go for a run or lift weights, jam on my guitar a bit, then I go hang out with Lulu, Christmas, and Whiskey TanK and get drunk. Every night for the past few days I have been inebriated and it feels awesome. Everyone around me is trying to flirt and hook up, but I am just there drinking with my buddies and laughing at everyone. I do not care what people think of me, I am not there to try and hook up with some girl, and I just act the asshole that I always am, though for some reason people still think I am mature.

As I am watching all these guys swarm the few girls that are there, one guy's mom shows up. Yes, his mom. She is really cool though and everyone tends to like her and hate him. To everyone she is just Momma. Lulu tells me that she likes to flirt with all the guys and that her son hates that. So I just look back and laugh as she flirts with everyone. She is about to leave to go pick up her useless son who is not allowed to drive because of a DWI when she starts inviting everyone to go drink at her house on Friday. She invites Lulu and CavLover and is about to walk away when she sees me.

Momma: Hey are you going to go to my house on Friday before I move.
Me:(sly grin)Maybe.
Momma: Oooooo I thought you were someone else for a second. Who are you? You're cute! You better be at my house on Friday. Heck, you won't have to be at my house, I'll just take you in the back of the truck and have fun!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
*Momma leaves*
Lulu: Hahaha he's gonna hate you when he finds out his mom told you that hahaha.
Me: Awesome! I hate that guy.

Momma returns because her son wants to drink with us, eventhough most of us do not like him. I say nothing because I think it would be funnier for him to find out from someone else. CavLover stands up and whispers something into his ear.

Son: Momma! What did you tell this guy?! (points to me)
Momma: Ooooh he's gonna be my new lover! I want him! How come I've never met him before?!
Son: No Momma! Nooo!

At this point I started to black out, so I stopped drinking and left. In the past few nights I have cockblocked multiple times, cockguided one friend, and EFFORTLESSLY picked up on someone's mom. I still have a few more nights of drinking too.

By the way, I have gone nine months so far with no sex. And you guys said I could not pull it off.

Have an airborne day,
565 Airborne, out.

Fuck You Grim Reaper

2009-04-26T13:20:00.000-07:00

Today I almost died. I am somewhat pissed off. Leave it to the angel of death to fuck me over and let me die in Louisiana. I would haunt this shit state.

Last night Trenches and Christmas returned from their competition in Maryland. Christmas invited me to go out and get shittrammered face with him and knowing I had to be at work at 6am today, I still chose to go out. I was bummed out all week and nothing makes someone feel better than a night of drinking with friends. Contrary to popular belief, you CAN drink your problems away, as long as you drink with friends. The mistake I made is that I did not have any dinner. The last meal I ate before I went out was lunch at noon; we went out at 10:30pm. Needless to say, I got so drunk I just about blacked out. We went to a bar to start the night and ended up at one of the dives the locals call a club. Everyone kept feeding me so many drinks I threw up right at the bar; thankfully no one saw that embarrassing spectacle except Christmas. He says it was projectile vomit and looked somewhat cool to see in person. I tried to make it to the bathroom to puke more but ended up outside. So I puked some more. By this time, I was on the verge of a blackout. Everytime I blinked I was somewhere else. I ended up at a strip joint just down the way. I cannot remember much from there except that a stripper offered me a lap dance. Not wanting one, I lied and said I was going to get some cash but left instead. Once I walked outside there was a cab waiting for me. I told him to take me to the club I left earlier. I passed out midsentence so he took me back on post instead. I do not know what happened from there but I woke up to my roommate saying I was late for work. I was also completely naked.

I throw my uniform on and run to work. The first vehicle left so I was stuck with the truck and three NCOs. Three very DRUNK NCOs. They wanted me to drive. I was still quite drunk myself. However, I was the least drunk, so I got stuck driving. We make it out to the training site alive. We are all so fucked up: uniforms sloppy, rank worn upside down, we all needed to shave, we reek of booze, and one NCO did not even have one pant leg tucked in his boots or bloused. I get stuck driving around the training site picking up expended brass from the live fire exercises. I am still drunk, but more borderline drunk/hungover. I was walking around when I thought I saw an unexploded mortar round. Being a dumbass, I go in for a closer look. It was a mortar round. I almost pissed myself. I call it up and they tell me to do a perimeter search for more ordnance. I was walking around when I came up to a small dirt road and found another UXO. This time it was a small 40 mm grenade that is fired from a grenade launcher. It looked like it was not fired but it was still damaged and a live grenade. I thought about moving it off the road, but I did not. I mean, who the fuck would want to touch a mangled 40mm grenade anyways? I walked off the road a bit to look at some impact craters from mortar fire. All of a sudden there was a humvee speeding down the road. The road with the grenade. I thought he would see. He did not. Right when he came up to it I dropped and curled up like a bitch in one of the impact craters. My instincts served me right since the jackass running the grenade over set it off spinning over my fucking head until it exploded about 75 meters away from me. If I stayed standing like a dumbass there would a fucking hole in my face; if my head was still intact. The humvee sped away and I did not see the asshole that almost killed me. I talked to my First Sergeant about it and higher command says we are going to keep hush about the incident and keep it within the battalion, but I get to be bribed. I really do not care. I mean, I am pissed off but I do not care about the bribery. I can now brag to everyone in my battalion that I am so badass I dodged a fucking 40 mike mike. They do not have to know the details.

After a brief about keeping quiet about the incident I head back on post. I figured I should let Christmas know that I did make it back on post after I went AWOL on him at the club. I told him everything and he said awesome. We went to lunch at Hana's and probably saw the most entertaining hibachi grill chef ever. He was Chinese and bagged on the Japanese and the Vietnamese. He made me wish Poon Boy and Mulan were there to hear the shit talking about the Vietnamese.

Despite the near death experience, this was an awesome weekend. And it is not done. I am going to take a nap now and wait for Christmas to call me and wake me so we can get drunk again.

I deserve it afterall. I am so badass I dodged a 40 mike mike grenade. "Sucka my balls" Keanu Reeves. "Two times!"

Have an airborne day,
565 Airborne, out.

Fuck You Jeff Goldblum

2009-04-25T17:39:00.000-07:00

Yes I deleted my social networking sites. I am tired of meeting new people or having to bullshit with so called friends who only talk to you when they are bored and do not want to study so they figure they will pretend to be a friend and care about your state of being. Mainly I am tired of people trying to make me feel any form of guilt for enlisting. Yes I hate my job. Yes I hate my MOS. Yes I hate lack of common sense. However, I do love wearing my uniform and being able to say I serve in the Army.

What is on my mind right now:

HOW THE FUCK DOES THE SHOWER RUN OUT OF COLD WATER?!?!?!!?

Have an airborne day,
565 Airborne, out.

Du Ma May

2009-04-24T12:10:00.000-07:00

Some people will say my team leader is a shitty NCO, primarily due to his highly unorthodox method of leadership. Really though, he is a great leader. He still follows the premise that leaders care for their subordinates and put their needs before their own. My TL happened to notice lately I was not acting what became my usual cheery asshole self. I was just a grumpy asshole. I have not even smoked the shit out of Jailbait, all I would do is talk shit and remind how worthless he is to society. My TL probably did one of the hardest things anyone can do; he pulled me aside and asked me what was wrong. When I bullshitted and told him I was fine he asked me if I was suicidal. I laughed. I assured him I was not, I was just disappointed and upset over recent outcomes. Knowing I definitely needed some cheering up he offered what he seems to think are the best solutions to being bummed out:

Go to a strip club
Go to a whore house
Pick up chicks
Do any of the above during duty hours
Look up porn on a government computer via proxy servers
Get drunk during work
Rape Jailbait
Rape the A Co supply sergeant
Drive our government vehicle around post until we find single women
Wreck the government vehicle
Kill someone

Obviously we could not do anything he suggested because, well it does not need any explanation. Instead he had me prank call his cousins on speakerphone-of course we used our government issued cell phone. We called the nail salons that they own and manage. Vietnamese gooks owning and managing nail salons, big fucking surprise. I called one of his cousins saying I was going to sue him because "my wife got a pedicure yesterday and now her feet are infected you gook fuck." We got into a pretty heated argument and my vulgar language seemed to be ineffective since English is a second language to this guy. So my TL tells me to cuss at him in Vietnamese. So I said the first thing my TL taught me to say in Vietnamese, "Du ma may(sp? Don't give a fuck)" which literally translates to "Fuck your mother." There was abrupt silence and followed by a random assortment of insults in Vietnamese. My TL and I just start laughing. His cousin stops cussing and says, "Did my cousin put you up to this? That moderpucker!" Then my TL talked to him in their gook language. I was certainly in better spirits after that.

Have an airborne day,

565 Airborne, out.

I'm a Sinner, I'm a Saint

2009-04-23T12:43:00.000-07:00

It is funny how something I write can educe the response I knew was coming.

I am not really going to give you anymore tales of promiscuity. I think the past few months of trying to be a moral person is hard work I should not just throw away. So maybe I am not all that moral-it is just too much fun making Jailbait feel like shit-but I have cut back on the promiscuity and I plan to keep it that way.

Since I bought my truck, I have been giving random people rides. If I see someone walking on the sidewalk, I will offer them a ride. No one should have to walk long distances on a military installation. Three times recently, girls have offered me some sexual favors as gratitude for giving them a ride. I declined each time, because it is not me anymore. However, I did take one girl's candy instead. Maybe being a good samaritan will save my ass from hell.

Have an airborne day,
565 Airborne, out.

I'm Back

2009-04-20T19:43:00.001-07:00

I always fail to take Poon Boy's advice, until it is too late and I realized I made a mistake and I should have listened to him. He gives his advice so bluntly that I usually perceive it to be an innuendo as opposed to a truth he is trying to express.

Lately his advice has been that I do not need a relationship. I need to regress back to my promiscuous ways. I think he is right. I was being selfish by refusing to accept any sexual activity. My readers take pleasure in my tales of promiscuity and I am going to give you all more stories.

As far as being a nice guy, not me. Nice guys finish last. In fact, I am going to make Jailbait cry tomorrow. I am not going to wait until he fucks up; once he walks in the office, I am going to remind him he is one great failure.

Have an airborne day,
565 Airborne, out.

Fuck Authority

2009-04-11T13:59:00.000-07:00

Officers these days.

Me: Sir, I'm going to be your counter-intel mole for FoF.
LT: Awesome. You got your weapon and gear ready to go?
Me: Roger sir. Where can I store my weapon?
LT: I don't know. I think the other guys stored my weapon in the truck of our cubic vehicle.
Me: What the fuck? Sir, you know that's the wrong answer.
LT: I know, I know. What can I do for you to keep quiet about this?
Me: Well I haven't touched myself in the past 40 plus days because of Lent; I want some downtime between ops to play stranger hand.
LT: We can double dutch rudder.
Me: Sir, with all due respect, eat a dick.
LT: Haha, don't be a puss, it's not gay.
Me: It's totally gay.
LT: Homophobe.
Me: Fag.
LT: Queer.
Me: Peterpuffer.
LT: Fudgepacker.
Me: Cum-chugger.
LT: I'll fucking double dutch rudder you whether you like it or not.
Me: I'll fuck your mom, make her fall in love with me, marry her, and then force you to call me dad, sir.
LT: You bastard. You are too clever and witty for this battalion.
Me: That's because I'm the smartest enlisted soldier in this battalion. Without a doubt.
LT: Smart, clever, and cocky; no wonder that NCO from mortars platoon hates you.
Me: He hates me because he wishes he wasn't so fucking stupid.......that and he wishes he was me.
LT: Oh so you overheard him talking to First Sergeant too?
Me: Wait, what?
LT: Yeah I overheard him crying, literally crying, about how he wishes he had some of your smarts and characteristics so he would be able to talk trash back to you.
Me: I knew it!
LT: Yeah he is envious of you.
Me: Duhhh, sir. I'm fucking awesome. You're sweating right now, not because it's hot in here, but because I am so awesome, I radiate energy and heat. Now quit staring at me like a fag, sir. Take a picture an post it on totalfuckingawesomeness.com backslash Ifuckingrule.
LT: Hahahaha get the fuck out of here.
Me: Ok sir, I'm Audi 5000. Peace out boy scout.
LT: Fucking dick.

Any other soldier would be severely punished for talking to an officer like that. I do not even get a slap on the wrist.

Have an airborne day,
565 Airborne, out.

All In A Day's Work

2009-04-01T18:31:00.000-07:00

We had classes today in which we discussed being a prisoner of war and psychological effects associated with it including the Stockholm Syndrome. Then we had classes on suicide prevention and prevention of sexual harrassment and equal opportunity. The last two sucked, so we had to make it fun.

After the suicide prevention class, the instructor, a senior NCO asked, "So how does that video make you feel?"

Several people murmured, "It made me want to kill myself."

Having heard that same joke over and over again, he said, "Shut up! Like I haven't heard that one before. Let's be serious gentlemen." Then he made the mistake of asking me how I felt after that video. I said, "I feel like playing stranger hand." He asked what "stranger hand" is, so I explained it to him. "You know, it's where you make your hand fall asleep, so when you use that hand to touch yourself, it feels like someone else is touching you." Everyone laughed. One of the medics even said, "I use the blood pressure cuff to make my arm fall asleep really fast when I play stranger hand." The NCO was speechless for a good solid five minutes before we moved on to the next class.

We moved on to talking about equal opportunity. This is what happened:

NCO: So what does equal opportunity mean?
Me: It means he can't get promoted because's African and this is a predominantly white battalion.
Commo Guy: Motherfucker! How many times I have to tell you I'm creole, not African.
My team leader: You fucking mutt.
Medic 1: You're a mutt too you Asian fuck!
Me: Fuck you spic!
Medic 1: Aren't you a spic too? What the fuck are you!
Me: I'm your fucking daddy bitch.
Commo: Fucking medics always talking out of turn.
My TL: Black man, who said black people can talk in this class?
Medic 2: Fuck the jews!
Medic 3: Hey I'm jewish!
Me: Yeah! Fuck you! Dirty jew fuck!
NCO: (to me) That was exactly the opposite of equal opportunity. You know if this was a civilian job you would be fired right now.
Me: Fuck the jews.
NCO: Like I said, fired.

I started to think about what he told me. Then I realized, it is only Wednesday and there is a long list of things I have done in the past two days that would have resulted in me being fired if I worked in a civilian job.

Used a government vehicle to go to lunch
Purposely went hydroplanning in a government vehicle
Gave the finger to numerous people from a government vehicle
Showed up to work late
Took a three hour lunch break
Told several superiors, "With all due respect, go eat a dick."
Told the XO who is my boss that "I like the white man because he has no shame in raping and pillaging other races and will use euphemisms to justify the aforementioned actions."
Used paintmarkers to tag Jonah Takalua's infamous dicktation in my office.
Accused several associates of "eating too many cockmeat sandwiches."
Parked horizontally across four spaces, two of which belongs to civilians in the office next door
Played Gwen Stefani's "Hollaback Girl" on repeat for two straight hours, loud enough for the two neighboring offices to hear
Threatened to club people to death with my telescoping nightstick
Walked around outside shirtless
Attempted to sun tan shirtless during work, right outside my office
Had an epic lighsaber fight with chemlights against my team leader in the supply room
Broke two computer monitors during lightsaber fight
Blamed broken monitors on another soldier

I think I deserve a week of fun after working 16 straight days for ridiculous hours.

Here is a video of Summer Heights High for those of you that do not know about dicktation.

Have an airborne day, 565 Airborne, out.

Damn Asian Women

2009-03-25T14:34:00.000-07:00

I am not racist or sexist. I just like to say racist or sexist things because it is funny to see how people react to slurs. Usually when I chat with Poon Boy's female, Lucy Liu(not her real name, I just like to assign her a new asian alias all the time) she tends to say things that perpetuate Asian stereotypes and I just make note of them and poke fun at her. Several times I made fun of her for being a shitty driver due to her being a vagina and a gook.

Well karma bit the tip of dick again.

Yesterday I was running errands for my company's executive officer in a government vehicle that is assigned to my section. I was stopped at a red light when this Asian female soldier made a REALLY wide right turn onto the street I was on.....hitting and scraping the side of my truck. There was no major damage and no injuries thankfully. We called the MPs to file a police report. When they showed up, they asked me what happened and all I said, in a calm demeanor was, "That dumb gook bitch hit me." These fucktards decided to include that comment in the report. When it was being processed and sent up to my First Sergeant, I was called into his office. I had already explained to him what happened but apparantly, due to my comment, I had "exhibited signs of road rage." Now there is paperwork pending that may force me to take anger management classes, and I may be suspended from driving a government vehicle for some time. What the fuck.

So in light of yesterday's events, here is a joke and a video as a tribute to Asian female drivers.

Why don't women need a driver's license?
There is no road between the kitchen and the bedroom.

Have an airborne day,
565 Airborne, out.

The Cherry On Top

2009-03-12T18:39:00.000-07:00

Some sergeants are so fucking stupid, they cannot understand simple, courteous protocol. If someone in the unit needs training equipment that I do not have in the office, I call a warehouse and get it from them. Usually I am given ample time or at least some warning that personnel will need training aids.

Then there are those that think just because they outrank me, by ONE rank, they can walk into my office like they own the damn place. Today was the day I finally snapped and broke my sacrifice for Lent and cussed like crazy. I was respectful at first and took his shit, but he then pushed me too far and I had to let him know that he is not my boss and will walk into my office demanding shit last minute.

What does this piece of shit do?
He tattles his whole office and next thing I know, Sergeant Major passes down orders to my First Sergeant. It was pretty much this whole list:

1. As soon as Sgt P leaves and does not need me as his driver, I am to transfer to the training room to be a fucking clerk, not temporarily like originally intended, but indefinitely.

2. As long as Sergeant Major is there, I will never be granted a promotable status.

3. My Ranger packet, which apparantly my XO prepared for me, and was supposed to be a surprise for my birthday, is now shredded trash.

4. Jumpmaster School packet? I will be lucky if I even get to jump and maintain my jump status and jump pay.

5. I am not allowed to go to Special Forces Assessment and Selection or Delta Force Assessment and Selection.

6. The only military schooling I am allowed to attend are those that are on post and necessary to perform my duties in the training room.

This pretty much affects my military career and goals. And since I cannot be granted a promotable status, let alone be promoted to sergeant, I cannot put in my application to be a counterintelligence agent. Therefore, I have no reason to be in the army anymore. This also affects my personal life. I will work ridiculous hours and be constantly typing, answering phonecalls, and driving around post; I can no longer take 10 minute breaks to call or even text my friends, and since most of my friends are back home in California, by the time they get out of class or have some free time to chat, I have to be in bed because I need to be at the office by 5:30am, which means I need to be awake at 4:45. Granted I will make time to chat with people who are worth talking to, but it will be a tad more difficult.

Military and life goals crushed? Yeah, pretty much. All because I was doing my job, following standard operating procedures and standing up to a pussy with sergeant rank on his chest.

Sorry to any of my friends that had to deal with my attitude today, but I no longer have pride in serving this country, since all it wants to do is shove its fist up my ass.

As if it was not bad enough, my new soldier seems to lack discipline and humility, so he will be suffering tomorrow when I smoke his stupid ass in the sand pit in front of other soldiers.

Have an airborne day,
565 Airborne, out.

Suck It Boodro Land

2009-03-09T23:50:00.000-07:00

I finally got my civilian driver's license. Piece of cake. These boodros are real stupid too. I did not study for the written test and only missed one question and that was because I added my own answer. It was relating to BAC for minors so I put

E: Not applicable; I don't drink.

The people at the DMV were laughing.

"Be like, 'Lemme watch u snatch that pearl from your snatch miss snatchums.' Then offer to pay for lunch and the deal is sealed."

-Poon Boy

Sometimes I wonder If Poon Boy ever asked a girl out like that. I would not put it past him.

Have an airborne day,
565 Airborne, out.

The Military Ball

2009-03-08T22:29:00.000-07:00

I spent three weeks trying to find an excuse not to go, and up until the day before I was convinced I found a legitimate excuse, until my XO demanded I be there. I did not want to go because something told me it was going to be lame, and my instincts were right. It did suck. I went stag and up and by the end of the night, I was glad I did not have a date; everyone else's dates looked bored and depressed, probably since there was no dancing and all we did was sit, stand, toast, eat, and sit. My team leader decided to make it interesting by drinking heavily. Before the ceremony even began he had already slammed 14 shots of liquor and we had only been there for 90 minutes.

By the end of the night, he had consumed two bottles of liquor on his own, accused the XO of ogling another male officer, almost started several bar fights, and made fun of an officer's haircut.

I decided to make use of the ball and piss someone off and I found that opportunity when I saw a soldier that is always a constant source of annoyance. I also noticed he was paying more attention to his friends and the liquor than his date, so I took it upon myself to start a conversation with his date. By the time the ceremony and dinner began she was sitting at my table and he did not notice until the end of the night. She was a skank though and I was not looking for a hook up, so she was quite mad when I refused to let her go back to my room with me. Her date was also pissed that his wife was my date by the end of the night; I laughed as I saw them arguing in the parking lot when I left.

Today I went to the airport with my team leader to pick up a dog he bought from a breeder. Before that we went to eat at IHOP where we made quite a scene. A little boy next to us was being loud and his mother made no attempt to shut him up. My team leader whispers to the boy that if he does not shut up, he is going to have sex with his mom, marry her, and then beat some sense into the boy when he becomes his new dad. When the boy tells his mom what my team leader told him, she starts bitching at him. While she was distracted with cussing him out, I took the opportunity to eat all their food. When she realized this, she let her temper really explode. Some boodro at a nearby table tried to take her side and dared us to meet him in the parking lot. The manager at IHOP said our bill was free if we left immediately. This retard boodro decides to meet us in the parking lot with one of his buddies. They were huge so I flashed my knife, but that just made him pull a knife out of his truck. I am always well prepared so I pulled my telescoping nightstick out of the car. I waved it at them and they freaked and backed away. I used my nightstick to break all the lights on his truck and used my knife to slash his tires. Then I took a marker and wrote "Have a nice day boodro!" on his white truck. Then we jumped in my team leader's car and drove away. We hung around town awhile waiting to go to the airport to pick up the dog and passed several police cars so I doubt we are in any trouble. However, there is the possibility I may be arrested in the next few days, but it is unlikely considering they did not see the license plate on my team leader's car. Stupid boodros, now they know not to mess with me.

Have an airborne day,
565 Airborne, out.

FNG

2009-03-05T22:11:00.000-08:00

We have a new soldier in our section. He's 17 and his gf is 19 so I call him Jailbait. He is also my new roommate.

While I was chilling on my side with no shirt one like usual:

Jailbait: Dude, for a small guy you're pretty buff.
Me: Don't check me out Jailbait.
Jailbait: No I wasn't checking you out! You just have pecs and abs and...
Me: Fag.
Jailbait: No dude, I didn't mean it like that I was just saying....
Me: Jailbait, do push ups.
Jailbait: Yes Specialist.
Me: Recover.......fag.
Jailbait: I hate you.

Your Friend of Misery

2009-03-04T18:23:00.000-08:00

Today Trenches punished his worthless screw up of a soldier. It was necessary. As his Senior Advisor in TSF, I had to be present at some point. By the end of this punishment, his soldier was crying. Trenches actually felt bad that it reached that point, but I feel no remorse. Call me heartless, a dick, whatever makes you feel just.

I simply have no sympathy for people who have no ambition in life to better themselves or better the world. To me, failure is quitting, and those that fail have no place in society and are simply a greater burden on the rest of us. Life is hard, it is overcoming the obstacles that give it worth and meaning. I know too many people who have overcome every obstacle failures use as an excuse.

I have no shame in letting someone know that they are worthless. It is cruel, but it works. I give people rude awakenings that they need to get their lives on track, or at least make an attempt.

I am fair. Eventhough I may treat someone horribly, they still have a chance to earn my respect and may even be complimented for their success. Until then though, it would be best for their motivation to avoid me. I am a harvester of sorrows and I excel at it. Why do you think so many people hate me?

Just try.

Have an airborne day,
565 Airborne, out.

F*** You Al Sharpton!

2009-03-03T19:35:00.000-08:00

Congratulations to Poon Boy and Ho Chi Minh!

Today is their one year.

They very well may break the TSF curse. Kudos to them.

Today we got a new private. Within ten minutes of being in the office, he was racially discriminated against and sexually harrassed more times than I can count.

Have an airborne day,
565 Airborne, out.

Day Six

2009-03-02T18:04:00.000-08:00

Today was an ultimate test.

This is what was supposed to happen.

9-11: Turn in equipment.

11-1:00: Lunch

1:00-4:30: Clean up supply room/pick up things at warehouse.

No cussing all day. Well I still did not cuss, but this is is what really happened.

9:oo: Show up at the office; Wegnuts who is supposed to assist me for the morning, is nowhere to be found.

9:15: Trying to inventory the equipment I need to turn. Specialist Honky bugs me for paperwork he needs to clear the unit and transfer to another post. I tell him to return with the right info. He tells me to count slow so he can return before I leave. I yell at him to get out of my office.

9:15-10:00: Phone rings 14 times, each time a different person calling, but all were from the same office asking for the same things.

9:45: Still conducting inventory. Wegnuts nowhere to be found. Spc Honky returns. He gives me attitude. I explode, but since I cannot cuss I end up banging my head against the wall really hard. Spc Honky gives me more attitude and tells me to "calm down big baby." I open my drawer full of knives and say, "Come here. Closer. I want you to pick the knife that I AM GOING TO STAB YOU IN THE NECK WITH!!!!!" as I pick up a knife and wave it at his face. He panics. He gives me his info needed for his paperwork....cautiously. Phone rings. Still holding the knife in my hand I punch my $500 monitor almost knocking it off my desk. I finish Spc Honky's paperwork and print it up. He asks me a stupid question. I take his paperwork and yell, "YOU SEE THIS! WHAT IS UNDER MY KNIFE!?!? IT'S THE PAPERWORK YOU NEED TO LEAVE THIS FORSAKEN STATE! AND IF YOU DO NOT GET OUT OF MY FACE I WILL USE IT WRAP YOUR HEAD AFTER I DECAPITATE YOU!!!!!!!!!" Spc Honky leaves terrified.

10:00: Wegnuts shows up and claims he knocked on my door at 9:15 but I "was not in yet." I yell and throw a padlock, my dip can, and my cell phone across the office.

10:00-10:30: By some miracle I finish my inventory and Wegnuts loads all the equipment in the truck. On our way to the turn in location for all aforementioned equipment, Wegnuts decides to text while driving. I tell him to stop and pay attention to the road. He says not to worry and "calm down." I tell him to pullover. We pullover. I yell gibberish and punch and dent the truck. We get back in the truck. Wegnuts turns off his phone.

11:00: We arrive at the turn in location, meet up with the civilians, and proceed to download ALL the equipment, some of which weighed more than 125 pounds. Once it is all laid out, the civilians then decide to point out that my team leader is the one who needs to sign it back to them; my team leader is in a meeting until noon. I send Wegnuts to lunch and stay with the equipment.

12:00: Team leader calls me and says he cannot make it up there because of other civilian pricks. He tells me to call Wegnuts and that we have no choice but to load EVERYTHING back up and take it tomorrow. I yell more gibberish in the air, take my soda and punt it 40 yards, and then from trying not to cuss, I accidently hold my breath and pass out for less than a minute; all of this in front of the civilians. One civilian happened to be cool enough to decide I can break the rules and sign it in temporarily as long as my team leader completes the paperwork the next day. I have Wegnuts come back and pick me up.

12:15-1:00: I skip lunch so I can load up other equipment to turn in at another location.

1:00: Spc Honky shows up trying to get more paperwork done. I pull out my knife. Team leader tells him to get out of our way because we are late or else he will run him over. Spc Honky calls his bluff. Team leader hits a him little with the truck. Spc Honky leaves.

1:30: First Sergeant calls my team leader and tells him to put it on speakerphone so I can hear too. He says we are doing great at our job, but we cannot threaten to stab people or run them over no matter how incompetent they are. Spc Honky tattled on us. Team leader is enraged. I pick up on his bad temper.

2:00: Spc Honky shows up to finish his paperwork. I see him and start punching walls and throw several office supplies around.

2:00-2:30: I receive more than 20 phonecalls, all from the same people that called me in the morning, all asking the same questions, the same questions which they asked earlier. I yell more gibberish, throw more office supplies around. Wegnuts shows up trying to rat sniff our supply room for cool gear. I threaten to make Wegnuts' heart explode by stabbing him with my atropine injector kit. Wegnuts looks at me funny and tells me to "calm down," right as the phone rings again. I pick up the phone and almost throw it at Wegnuts. Wegnuts disappears in an instant.

3:00: We go to the warehouse and pick up some supplies we ordered, including special order Gerber knives. I am calm.

4:00: I give some cool gear to some buddies from my old unit. I sham from returning to work by talking to Rojo. Chill day from then on.

People are trying to tempt me to cuss. Instead of cussing I act like an immature high school jock, I commit assault with a deadly weapon with intent to murder multiple times, and I almost have a brain aneurysm.

Maybe cussing is not so bad sometimes?

Have an airborne day,
565 Airborne, out.

Mormon Girls

2009-03-01T00:02:00.000-08:00

Everyone has that really innocent, naive friend. Mine just happens to also be Mormon; perpetuating the stereotype I know, but that just makes it funnier. After six years of friendship, she still falls for dirty jokes.

mrmngrl: oh my goodness i never told you about my new pet!
Me: Trouser snake?
mrmngrl: oh did i tell you?
mrmngrl: i dont know what kind of snake it is
Me: It must be a trouser snake
Me: You slut
mrmngrl: what!
mrmngrl: we are talking about snakes why are you calling me names?!
Me: Trouser snake = penis
mrmngrl: oh...eww!
mrmngrl: whats the matter with you?!
Me: Hahaha
Me: You're still so naive
mrmngrl: you and your sick mind!
Me: This is going on my blog lol
mrmngrl: no! don't you dare put me on there!

Have an airborne day,
565 Airborne, out.

Freaking Poon Boy

2009-02-25T18:53:00.000-08:00

Nothing interesting really happened today.

The highlight of the day was when my XO told me not to sing any punk songs, especially anti-establishment songs in front of any brass(officers).

I also almost passed out from trying not to cuss out an incompetent private; so many cuss words and insults were trying to come out that I held my breath too long.

This made me laugh for awhile. It's from Linda's blog(Civ1's girlfriend).

"Gabe introduces me as his 'female' to his co-workers instead of his gf."

I hope all the fat guys break their backs on tomorrow's jump.

Have an airborne day,
565 Airborne, out.

Lent

2009-02-24T17:09:00.000-08:00

Starting tomorrow, I am not going to curse until Easter.

I will probably die from a brain aneurysm.

If you do not think I can pull it off.

Well, fuck you.

Have an airborne day,
565 Airborne, out.

The Greatest Man I Know

2009-02-21T20:33:00.000-08:00

My grandpa is old, really old. He is so old, he is vintage, nearly antique. If you think I am exaggerating, my grandpa was born in 1918. He has surpassed the average life expectancy by 20 years. I realized his secret when I listened to a voicemail my cousin left me today.

"Hey dude, I was just calling to see how you were doing and if your mom told you what Grandpa did this weekend. I was over at my tia's house and once I got there some Jehovah Witnesses went up to talk to Grandpa and he just cussed at them, flipped them off, and showed them his penis; I just laughed. Then later, we caught him taking a dump on the neighbor's lawn and using the neighbor's mail to wipe his ass. My mom and my tia were talking to him and he was just really confused. The funny thing is though, when I was talking to him, and our moms weren't around, he told me he knew exactly what he was doing, but pretends to be so old he doesn't so that no one can yell at him or arrest him. I just wanted to let you in on his secret in case you didn't know."

As a matter of fact, I have known already. My grandpa is old and is starting to reach senility, but I can tell when he is faking it. My parents, aunts, and uncles do not know this though. It is like a rite of passage for teenagers in my family to be told that our grandpa fakes his senility half the time. That is my grandpa's secret to a long life; he does not give a fuck. He will show his dick, shit on a neighbor's lawn, cuss out strangers, and is also known to not wear pants if the sun is out, and this is what has been keeping him alive. His lack of cares has left him stress-free which is what all the retired should be like. Once I hit 70, if I make it to 70, I am faking senility 100%. People will be lucky to see me wearing underwear let alone pants. I'd probably also shit on the lawns of neighbors I do not like.

I love my grandpa. He has taught me so much about life.

Have an airborne day,
565 Airborne, out.

Artistic Update

2009-02-19T17:26:00.000-08:00

I forgot how hard sharpie is to wash off, so while bored at work again today, I figured, fuck it! I might as well add a mustache to the face I drew on my penis.

Have an airborne day,
565 Airborne, out.

Jumpmaster's out!

2009-02-18T20:25:00.000-08:00

If I wore pants, events like this would not happen.

I came home and followed the usual routine: take off boots, take off pants, pinch a dip, piss, nap.

Apparantly before I got back, my roommate ordered pizza and decided to take a nap, so by the time the pizza arrived, I was well asleep. There was some loud knocking on my door for a bit and I resultingly woke up to answer the door, thanks to my roommate being a deep sleeper(always comforting to know our indirect fire support is in the hands of deaf mortarmen).

This conversation with the pizza delivery girl resulted:

Her: I have a pizza for Nicholas?
Me: Lemme go wake him up.
Her: Uhmmm....you're hanging out.
*Yes, my penis was hanging outside my boxers*
Me: Geez, take a picture it lasts longer.
Her: Sorry, well hey! You didn't put it away!
Me: Why should I? You already saw it.
Her: Does it always hang to the side like that?
Me: I was taking a nap on my side, so he probably fell out and leaned to the side.
Her: Did you draw a face on it?!
*I got bored at work towards the end of the day, so I drew eyeballs and a nose on the end of my penis so it looks like a face*
Me: Yeah I got bored at work.
Her: Hahahahaha. I can't wait to tell my husband about this.
Me: Just don't tell him it was me or give him my room number.
Her: I won't. I need to go, can you please get your roommate for me? Haha.
Me: Sure. Nice chatting with you about my scrumdiddlyumptious.
Her: Hahaha. Hanging pretty good by the way.
Me: Thank you.

Have an airborne day,
565 Airborne, out.

The Prodigal Son

2009-02-16T20:01:00.000-08:00

When my team leader has sex with his girlfriend, he always takes a picture of her vagina, and always sends it to everyone he works with, including me. I knew what this girl's vagina looks like before I knew what her face looked like.

A new Mexican restaurant opened up recently, and my team leader's girlfriend happened to land a job as a waitress; in fact, that's how we knew it was opening. So my team leader, our buddy who is the supply sergeant from one of our sister companies, and I went to try out this new restaurant. While we were sitting down, my team leader's girlfriend approached us to let us know we were eating free, and that's when I realized who she was, and of course I ended up making a big scene at the restaurant.

Her: What is he snickering about?
TL: Nothing, he's just mo'erfuckin buuulshittin'.
*I look up at her and can barely hold my laughter*
Her: You showed him the pictures!
TL: No I didn't.
Me: YES! HE DID! HE SENT ME PICTURES OF YOUR MESSY VAGINA AFTER SEX! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA(laughter persists for five minutes).
Her: You bastard.

At this point the whole restaurant is looking at me laugh uncontrollably since I caught their attention by quite loudly saying, "vagina."

Last night, my parents called me to see how I was doing, and since Trenches never fully believed me when I told him the rhetoric and diction I used to converse with my parents, I put them on speakerphone. Trenches was rolling with laughter as the following was discussed:

my false confession to my mom that I am addicted to seeing breasts
false confession to my parents that I frequently attend titty bars
falsely proclaimed how much "I love titties"
discussed what my sacrifice for Lent will be; I suggested giving up cussing so I do not have to give up seeing breasts all the time; my mom scolded my dad when he agreed it was a good idea, and his defense was, "He's going to see them anyways; he always does what he wants!"
almost made my mom faint when I told her that when I am not playing with a girl's boobies, I am playing with her vagina
told my mom I planned to subscribe to Playboy; my mom got mad at my dad again when he asked me to send him the old issues when I was done with them
told my mom when my little brother is 16, I am taking him to a strip club

The whole time my dad thought I was drunk again and my mom became even more worried about me. What was awesome though, was that I got my mom to say "boobies" more than 25 times, and with her accent, it made it so much funnier; Trenches was laughing for awhile.

This is why my parents love my friends; they know that I AM the wild one and the bad influence.

Have an airborne day,
565 Airborne, out.

Write That Down

2009-02-08T17:37:00.000-08:00

Since Jazz's cousin Cindy had a hard time trying to accurately find adjectives to describe me, I put up a few quotable quotes from some friends who knew EXACTLY how to depict my persona.

"Nelson can be a douche bag, asshole, cocky motherfucker... but in the end he's always there for you and is a good friend."

-Jazz

"You're the kinda guy moms warn their daughters about."

-Tiffany

"Only you would be proud of your piss."

-Trenches regarding me parading my urine during a urinalysis.

"Dude face it. You're a chick magnet. And being in the Army is like the frosting on the cake. And you're TSF, so fuck; like cake and ice cream."

-Poon

"TSF is always right."

-Nathan

" They conduct mysterious operations, speak in a dialect that even the most experienced linguist wouldn't understand, and their mystery attracts women."

-Rojo describing Trenches and I.

Have an airborne day,
565 Airborne, out.

This and That

2009-02-05T21:13:00.000-08:00

My friends do not realize it, but their moods and actions affect mine. If my friends are mad, I am pissed the fuck off. If they are joyous, I do not curse at retards so much. If they are in working relationships, I want to give up sex and try at having a girlfriend.

Example:

Big Mike and Poon Boy have girlfriends that love them.
I want to try having a girlfriend and lay back on any forms of sex.

Jazz is dating a guy of Lebanese descent.
I do not want to kill camel jockeys as much.

Dizzle, the TSF Chaplain tries to hook up with SSG Stokes.
I want to have sex with a cougar.

Denise gets her first tattoo.
I want to get my second.

Trenches gets fucked over once again by some stupid cunt.
I want to kill and hurt people and use Valentine's Day to commit many acts of terrorism against couples that rush things.

An old platoon member continues to be an immature, shitty father.
I want to have a tribe of kids to make up for his daughter that will probably be another burden on the welfare system.

My new team leader tells me about the all girls he has had sex with from the area.
I am terrified of having sex with any girl from this area.

Have an airborne day,
565 Airborne, out.

Niggers These Days

2009-01-31T16:33:00.000-08:00

Soon after my transfer to an Airborne Infantry Battalion, life seemed to cut me some slack. Things were going great; I loved my job, my team leader is not retarded, work 99% of the time away from officers, I had the rank to smoke stupid grunts, and I could get all the free gear that I want. Hell, I even saw an old flame.

It was Martin Luther King Jr Memorial Day, or as my team leader calls it Ethiopia Day, and although most of the United States had the day off, my battalion was on rotation and we had to work, but now that I love my work so much, I did not mind at all. When we were released to do physical training by section as usual, my team leader decided we would go to the gym. The gym was closed because the civilians wanted to be lazy fucks and take their day off, but as I started to walk across the parking lot, I saw an old girlfriend(http://senornombre.blogspot.com/2008/06/me-jody-no-not-really-so-its-ok.html) driving into the parking lot. We talked a bit and then she said she was cold so we sat in her car while we talked. She ended up telling that she recently found out she was pregnant and that she was going to marry her boyfriend sometime soon. She caught me off guard by suddenly saying, "How about a little fun? You know, for one last time." Next thing I know, her hand is down my pants and I am getting the best blowjob I have had so far. That is probably the last time I will ever see her.

Could have a been great day. Nothing better than getting a bj instead of doing pt. That fun was sure ruined when I was released from work early and I went back to my room. I was going to go eat at a Korean restaurant to celebrate my newfound fortunes in life, when I decided to check my bank account online. What I saw could not be described in anything other than rage in the words of Corporal Josh Ray Person; "Word to the motherfucking street yo! I was a victim, and you fucking know it!" It turns out my nigger spook roommate decided to write down my debit card number while I was in the shower and use it to make online purchases and to purchase pizza. He stole over $175 from me. Not to bore you with the details, I had no choice but to move out and move into Rojo's house since the 509th did not have any open rooms for me to move into at the time. While Trenches, Rojo, and Sheeny helped me move my things out, this fucking jungle bunny pleaded and begged me not to go to CID(Criminal Investigation Department; Army detectives), I took great joy in his pain. For a few hours I had him convinced we could work it out between us, then I just took off. Needless to say, his First Sergeant found out and now he is going through a court martial since this is his third offense. I must say, I do love being able to perpetuate the stereotype by helping put another nigger in jail.

Just in case you do not know, there is a difference between niggers and niggas. Niggas are black people you like, niggers are those that make you have racist sentiments against them.

In other news, TSF now has its very own TSF JAG lawyer. I dare you to fuck with TSF now. If we were capable of getting away with extortion before, now we can get away with even more.

Have an airborne day,
565 Airborne, out.

Cajolery

2009-01-17T10:24:00.000-08:00

Sometimes people just love to compliment me. In this case, the compliment came from Jazz's cousin.

"Gosh you're an ass, wait, ass isn't strong enough of a word for you."

Have an airborne day,
565 Airborne, out.

Geronimo!!!

2009-01-15T20:59:00.000-08:00

I finally left this crappy chemical battalion for an infamous airborne infantry battalion. I am the only CBRN(Chemical Biological Radiological Nuclear Specialist) guy in the whole battalion so I get my own office to play with my toys that utilize radioactive materials and get to do whatever I want. I only answer to my team leader, who is the supply sergeant, my First Sergeant, and the company executive officer(lieutenant). Occassionally, I will assist my team leader with his supply duties, but most of the time I am in my own CBRN room alone and away from bothersome infantrymen.

I know I will have a great time since my team leader is not the type of NCO to bug soldiers about stupid bullshit. Since my CBRN room is next to the supply office, I can hear anything said in the supply office. So far I have only heard my team leader humiliate retarded privates and heard him say this to his girlfriend everytime she calls:

"Yeah we can do that today. Only if you let me touch you where you poop. No, I already touch you where you pee, I wanna touch you where you poop."

Fucking horny Asians.

Have an airborne day,
565 Airborne, out.

Attention Ladies: Stop Your Whining.

2009-01-05T19:21:00.001-08:00

Everyone wants to hang out and meet the Iceman, I know. However, if while I am home, you make little to no effort to hang out, do not fucking talk to me about it. I understand that some of my friends could not get in touch with me or that whatever drama was going on prevented any time from seeing me, but if you chose to go to some sleazy party you could go to any time of the year instead, or you did not want to come to my get-together the last night I was home because you did not dye your fucking hair, DO NOT pester me with text messages and phone calls saying, "You left already? Aw I didn't get to meet you! When are you coming back again?" It is likely I will not tell you the next time I am coming home because it seems to me you do not give half a fuck about hanging out with me. Let us just hope that I do not deploy and die before I get another chance to go home.

Also, for fucking sakes. I see my friends twice a year, a few days in total. My friends are the reason I have not put a bullet in my head because of depression. If you are going to ignore my friends during the majority of the year, stop bitching when they spend time with me. You did not want to spend time with them, but now you are going to bitch about them "spending too much time with me." You knew where they were at, and unless your name is Leo Postovoit or Michael Latimer, you were more than welcome to come hang out with me as well. If you did not want to be around me, shut the fuck up and let me see my friends those few days I get to twice a year. You have about 320 days of the year I do not get to see them to hang out with them. They are the only friends that have not forgotten about me since I left. So if you do not want to be with them at the time because they are hanging out with me, shut the fuck up.

Have an airborne day,
565 Airborne, out.

Christmas Vacation

2009-01-01T15:17:00.000-08:00

Leave. The best time of the year. It is more of a bittersweet feeling to go on leave now. I hate it because I only get a minimal taste of what things may have been like if I never enlisted, but I obviously love it because it means time away from Fort Polk, time away from Louisiana, but also time with family, and time with friends. And time with friends means possibilities of things occurring worthy of a blog. This time at home was not as....interesting as last time, but I did have my fun.

I flew from Alexandria, Louisiana, to Memphis, Tennessee. On the flight from Memphis to Los Angeles some college freshman sat next to me; a cute college freshman I might add. She happened to sneak vodka on the flight inside a tiny, grenade size water bottle. I got a small whiff of it and realized what it was and started talking to her regarding such a dare. We soon began flirting; she flipped her hair behind her ear, I showed her my dogtags. Easy catch. Next thing I know she is a bit drunk. Her friend in the aisle behind us was also drunk, and jealous no one was paying her any attention so she starts to try and point out any physical flaws her friend has; I do not pay attention; fuck jealous broads. Then her friend claims she has a mustache and peach fuzz all over her face. I decide to try out something I saw Mos Def do to Melonie Diaz in the movie Be Kind Rewind. I pretend I am inspecting her lip for any hair of supposed mustache, and give her a small kiss. She was turned on. I still cannot believe that stupid shit I saw in a movie worked. After that she wanted to test my threshold in a series of dares. We started off with some kissing, next thing I know, my hand in up her shirt, and her hand is down my pants. It does end not there. We cover ourselves completely with her blanket, my hand moves down into her pants, and her mouth is on my penis.......and she swallowed. Success. She actually came too, from me petting her kitty. Can we be inducted into the Mile High Club, or does that not count? Thankfully we were not caught, or at least not by anyone that was bothered by the free up close in person porno, and I passed out with my head on the window and she passed out on my shoulder.....with her hand still down my pants. I love sexually frustrated college students. Once the plane landed I texted Trenches, whose luck was, well horrible as he had to sit next to to fat guys, and his bag was lost.

Once I arrived at LAX, while I was waiting outside for my cousin to pick me up, some fucking hippie faggot white guy approaches me, realizing I am in the Army because of my haircut, clean shaven face(mostly due to my inability to grow facial hair), and my obvious, big, OD green duffle bag. This dumb fuck tries to talk to me about reading some material his "organization writes regarding total peace on Earth and achieving nirvana." Once I heard that babble, it was the cherry on top to the sundae of stupid ponytail, reeking odor of marijuana, and stupid bag full of "peace and nirvana books" that encompassed this nonproductive member of the lower rings of society; in case my colloquial, yet eloquent style of writing confused you, I hate hippies including this douchebag. This fucker actually tried to tell me that by being a soldier, I was wasting my youth and "life essence" and that rather than be a tool of war, I should strive for peace. There is two main things my friends know about me: I regret my enlistment, but although I regret my enlistment, I still take great pride in being a soldier. I hate hippies, especially ones that try and tell me I am not a productive member of society when all they do is smoke pot and write bullshit that is plagiarized, in a time when the state of the economy is as healthy as a person with HIV. I hate to break it to everyone, but there will NEVER be peace on Earth. Stop wasting God's time by praying for total peace; make your prayers worth listening and plead for ceasefires and decreased violence. Pax en bello motherfuckers. By the way, as that hippie tried to hand me one of his waste-of-paper-books, I put a big fat dip in my lip, savored the sweet juices of peach flavored smokeless tobacco, took the book, threw it on the ground, spit my dip juice on the book, and then spit more dip juice on this fuck's bare foot. Viva TSF you hippie fucks.

Went to In N Out.

Drank a few beers with cousin before he went to work.

Got drunk with some homies that night. Everyone was shittrammered face except for myself and JDoggy Style In Her Mouth & Ass. One of my friends nearly suffocated some puking hoodrat that he invited, and Poon left his pipe on top of my dad's car, which froze to it overnight. My dad saw it in the morning and pretty much guessed who got baked.

Ran a few errands with Poon the next day. He has so many attractive coworkers, and they all dig him; I should have gone to college and just worked at Best Buy. We almost died on the way back to my house because he is so fucking jumpy, although it was my fault that he swerved on a busy street. I officially initiated Poon into TSF, as TSF Civ1. Then later that day we went to his grandpa's house for some awesome chow. We left the house and decided to check out the new strip club. I got a blowjob. When I came out, Poon was nearly ready to leave as he felt so uncomfortable just being there. Maybe we should not have gone to a titty bar at 6 in the evening. From there I went to some friends' house because they were having a party for a friend, but invited me to see me anyways. There I saw Big Mike, who was there because his girlfriend is friends with the birthday boy. My little sister says I will sound more poignant if I pen the birthday boy, "the guest of honor," but fuck that noise. I am fucking TSF, anywhere I go, I AM the guest of honor. I had to leave after awhile, but not before Big Mike tried to convince me to hook up with one of the girls at the party. I declined as I foreshadowed too much drama and possible paternity suits. And the fact that they were not 18.

Saw the movie The Haunting of Molly Hartley. Horrible fucking movie. At least I spent some quality time with my friends.

Went to see my cousin at her new house. She is not married but says she and her boyfriend are "more than in a relationship, and more like life partners." As more family showed up, we had a family blessing and then proceeded to chow on some burgers. While watching my cousin play a video game, my cousin’s boyfriend’s 10 year old daughter comes up to me and asks me if I am in the Army. After replying that I am, she begins to yell in my face, "ARMY SUCKS! NAVY RULES!" Needless to say I was annoyed after two minutes and warned her to leave me alone. When she did not comply, I pummeled back and smacked her right across the face. Right before she started crying I left and went outside like nothing happened. I guessed no one realized why she was crying because no one said anything to me except my little sister who told me, "Don’t worry. I’m the only one who saw that, and it was something I’ve been wanting to do for awhile. She always pissed me off."

Christmas was fun. I nearly strained my shoulder playing fucking kids' games on the Wii. At least I won. I guess being a single soldier familiar with the motions of jerking off my dick every now and then, helped me dominate at the Wii.

While on a run with my dad, some fucking kid walking saw me in my Army PT shirt and thinks it funny to say "Fuck the Army!" He learned the hard way after I punched him in the face four times breaking his nose and causing him to fall back and slam his head on the ground splitting his head a bit. I was not done with him though; I hit him twice more knocking out one of his teeth until my dad pulled me off him and suggested we run. Do not worry, I am sure I did not kill him, I saw him get up after two minutes and run away.

After having dinner at Red Robin with Frank, M-Pie, La Amiga, and JDoggy Style In Her Mouth & Ass, we decide to go to a titty bar. M-Pie and La Amiga wanted to go to my house first and get some drinks first. We tried to convince Poon to go, but he said he did not want to. It just does not feel right without him going. I got one lap dance, but it was nearly an hour long and I got a whiskey juliet. The best part of the night though, was when Frank and I took La Amiga and M-Pie to the stage where they dance on the poles, and the same stripper who gave me the WhiskeyJ made La Amiga touch her breast, and in which La Amiga accidently jiggled her breast with a nervous, shaky hand.

The Sunday before I left, I spent over two hours at a Starbucks having a conversation with my most favorite Midwestener. I wish I saw her more than two days a year though. Fuck my life.
The most interesting day of leave had to be Monday night, before I left. I had a little kickback just so I could spend time with friends before leaving; it eases the depression a bit. Nearly everyone got drunk. And throughout the whole night, some of the girls decided to show Poon their breasts. He saw a handful of breasts that night.

I miss everyone already.

Have an airborne New Year,
565 Airborne, out.

Fighting Starvation

2008-12-10T15:58:00.000-08:00

I would never go hungry. Seeing how there was a lack of work to do today, and my favorite sleeping place was locked up, I volunteered to get food from Taco Bell with another platoon member. So I wrote down some requests and collected some money, including a handful of coins from Ski, who was not only bouchedag enough to request more food than the money he pitched in, but he also stiffed me by telling me he gave me more money than he actually did. So obviously, the bill came out to more than I had. So I played the old charm and flirted with the cashier AND the manager and not only did they cover the $3.85 I was short, but they also let me place an extra order so I could get myself a handful of free tacos and burritos. Granted it was a pair of boodro hicks from Louisiana that fell victim to my flirtation, but I would like to see someone else be given $12 in food for free.

I rule; be jealous fuckers.

Have an airborne day,
565 Airborne, out.

Christmas Bucket List Revised

2008-12-08T19:34:00.001-08:00

Just a few small changes.

Go to Knotts with the homies
Help Tito with his senior project; buy Tito porn; take Tito to a titty bar to get his first lap dance, and maybe more depending on the stripper.

Role Model

2008-12-06T19:49:00.000-08:00

I have a 14 year old cousin who looks up to me and will often ask me for advice. Usually he asks me for advice instead of his older brother, who is my age, because his older brother is, well an older brother, and will punk him or just kick his ass. I am something like the older brother that does not kick his ass and is there to help, although for being a smart mouth, I am going to kick his ass when I go home. It was after this conversation with him that I realized I am probably a bad role model for him, in regards to morals.

Him: hey watz up
Me: Hey fucker. Did you ask your mom yet if you could sleepover when I go home?
Him: yeah she said i could go are you still coming
Me: No not just go, but sleepover. If you don't spend the night, you can't drink, because if you drink, your mom will smell it when you get in the car
Him: yeah am going stay
Me: Bring a change of clothes, because we have to go to church the next day.
Him: yeah i dont want to be smelling like ivan(his older brother)
Me: Jerk.
Him: lol when he drink he fart'z and pee's
Me: That's cause he drinks alot of beer. Beer makes you fart alot and whenever you drink alot of liquor, you're going to pee alot. It's like drinking alot of water.
Him: yeah i know that bitch drinks to much
Me: Yeah it scares me how much he can drink.
Him: yeah he pee's any were he wants to
Me: Like in the living room and shit?
Him: behind cars trees in front o people
Me: I do the same shit! No smoking though! If I see a cigarette in your mouth I'm gonna punch you in the face.
Him: lol i thought you smoked?
Me: I did. I do something worse now
Him: ohh why
Me: Because smoking can be addictive.
Him: yeah thatz true
Me: When Ivan and I started smoking we said, "this shit isn't addictive, it's all in your head." Now look what happened.
Him: lol he smoke still
Me: I known and I smoked toon until I started smokeless tobacco.
Him: is tobacco bad for you
Me: Yeah it's bad! It can give you cancer and it constricts your veins.
Him: why the fuck do you do it then stupid fat ass
Me: I'm not fat stupid fuck. Because it's hard to quit. It's as if I told you to stop liking boobies
Him: yeah i cant do that, but chew gum or umm do something that makes you forget about that
Me: It's hard because you don't get the nicotine fix. It's not so much the tobacco that is addicting but the nicotine in it
Him: oohhh yeah so its hard to let go
Me: Oh hey, I'm having my friends invite lots of sluts to my party. So don't act like a geek or a tool.
Him: hey hey hey hey hey i chance mother fucker i get girl like ivan gets bills. that mean i get a shit load of girls
Me: That's a stupid analogy. It doesn't make sense fucker. We'll see. These are older girls. So either it'll be a pimp night for you, if you don't act like a retard
Him: i dont care ill still get some. dont worrie its gonna be pimp night. i know how to talk to girls am not a retard anymore.
Me:: We'll see
Him: hey but shit i have a girlfriend
Me: Yeah because she's young and a fucking retard. All young girls are.
Him: hey thats what you think i have gotten more then ivan has ever seen
Me: Hahaha. I doubt that.
Him: ok tell me what he has done with girls
Me: I know he's not a virgin. He's rounded all the bases. Have you even rounded first base yet?Him: oohh his a bad ass now. do you think am that dumb
Me: Do you know what rounding first base is?
Him: more then making out
Me: Fucking duh.

That is the end of the conversation, probably because he went to look up what "rounding first base meant." If this conversation is picked up and continues, I will surely post here again. Maybe it is because of things like this that make my friends shudder at the thought of me being a father.

Have an airborne day,
565 Airborne, out.

My Friendship Is a Treasure

2008-12-01T19:09:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I get bored. Sometimes when I am bored, I pull pranks. Sometimes I am an asshole and pull pranks on my friends. Like this text conversation.

Me: I don't have to worry about my ex tryin to get back with me lol
Nessa: Why? lol
Me: She thinks I'm dead
Nessa: WHAT?
Me: Yeah I had my friend tell her I shot myself in the face lol
Nessa: OMFG. You better be lying.
Me: I'm not. He blamed her too but I didn't tell him to say that
Nessa: Omg. That is TOO far.
Me: I don't think so really
Nessa: And why exactly don't you think so?
Me: Because I'm TSF
Nessa: Wtf is TSF?
Me: You may never know.
Nessa: Jerk lol.
Me: Lol. I'm jk. She has a bf now lol
Nessa: Ugh jerk.
Me: Hahahahahaha xD
Nessa: That's not funny
Me: I know you're laughing at least a little bit
Nessa: No I'm actually not. That's cruel to even joke about
Me: But I didn't do it!
Nessa: Still. Joking around that you did is mean.
Me: I wanted to see if you thought I had the tenacity to do something like that.
Nessa: Not to be mean, but I think you totally would. You'd feel bad after, but I know you would
Me: Can I blog about this?
Nessa: Fine if you want your friends to know how cruel your thoughts can be :P

I think all my blog readers know how cruel my thoughts can be at times. Of course, I do not prank any of my friends for the purpose of driving them through anxiety, it is just to have a little fun. Sorry though Nessa. Looking back, that was a tad cruel to pull on a friend, but it is still a bit funny. If you all thought that was bad, just imagine the stress I put my mom under with my pranks.

Have an airborne day,
565 Airborne, out.

Christmas Bucket List

2008-11-29T22:16:00.001-08:00

These are things I plan to do while on leave.

Go to In N Out
Spend more time with my sister and brother than last time
Family PT
PT with the homies
Go to IHOP
Partizzles at my parents' house; piss off the neighbors with karaoke at midnight
Eat REAL Mexican food
Eat REAL Filipino food
Wrestle my dad
Whiskey Juliet operations
TSF operations with Civ1
Help Tito with his Senior Project; buy Tito porn
Hang out with the home skillets
Refer to JDog in a crowded public place as "JDoggy Style In Her Mouth"
Fight beatniks
Piss off fans of Twilight

Gentleman's Club Education

2008-11-19T16:30:00.000-08:00

In the past week, three of my friends have asked me for advice on strippers. For some reason they christened me an "expert on strippers." This is not because I foolishly throw money away at them; in fact, it is the complete opposite, I do not spend much, if any money on them. I am not going to lie(as honesty is a motif of my blog writings), I have had sex, whether oral or intercourse, with a handful of exotic dancers. Call me a whore, slut, vagrant lustful sinner, I do not care; it is obvious by now I do not give a fuck. Besides, I know I am not that bad; I have not had sex in four months and have been doing pretty good to remain abstinent. There are several key things to remember if trying to beat strippers at their own game.

1. Expect failure.

If you walk in a strip club with the mentality that you will fuck a stripper before you leave that night, you will most likely leave the club penniless and with a hard on you will have to beat off when you get home. Expect nothing, and you are more likely to succeed because you will be much more focused. It helps to wax your carrot before you go. Unless you are me, you will not always get what you want from strippers; I can walk in with the mentality I will get a free blowjob and I will get one, but that is because I am the fucking Iceman, I am TSF.

2. Lap Dances Are Overrated.

All you are doing is paying for an erection. You get the same effect from free porn on the internet. Do not be like the other joes who spend $200 just on lap dances. I would rather spend $200 on booze and just get some girl drunk and horny.

3. Think Nintendo.

If you do not walk straight to the main stage(where the pole is) you are probably walking to the lounge chairs around the back walls. While sitting here, strippers will approach you and ask if you want a lap dance. If they just ask, and you decline, they will just walk away and try to find someone else to snatch money from. However, some will sit next to you and con you into getting a lap dance. They may put their hands on your leg, play with your cock, whisper dirty things into your ear, or even start up a conversation with you, which usually leads to their hand on your cock. KEEP IT DOWN! If they feel you have an erection, they know they are winning and WILL beat you. Think, or even talk to them, about something that you can blab away at for hours and it will help keep the cobra down despite the snake charmer is playing the flute. I usually rehearse video game strategies in my head.

4. Be Cool.

Act nonchalant. Like I mentioned earlier, they may talk to you and ask you about your life or what you do for a living. They are pretending to be interested. Be truthful, but maintain composure and refrain from sounding too excited about whatever it is you are boring that stripper with. If you would rather lie, make sure you know what you are talking about and can back up whatever you say with knowledge; you never know, if you are lying about being a corporate lawyer and do not know shit about the legal system or business, you better hope that stripper is not working at that club to put herself through law school. Also, avoid saying things like "strippers, bitches, hos, pimp, and strip club." They are "exotic dancers," they are "classy" women too, they are not whores and therefore do not need a pimp, and they work at a "Gentleman's Club."

5. You Are Awesome, Yet Know Humility.

Do not be a jackass, be humble instead. They do not give a fuck that you make a six digit salary-although they will try to take that money from you-because all you are doing is being a flashy asshole. This is what I do when I play the soldier or paratrooper card. I let them ask me what I do for a living, and I make it seem like nothing. Sure jumping out of planes is not for the weak, and I do it; syllogistically speaking I am not weak, and by being humble about it, instead of bragging about it MAY appeal to a stripper's emotions(they are people too) and they may feel the need to reward you somehow.

6. Settle On A Deal.

Take what you can. If you managed to charm her into a free blowjob, fuck it, take the BJ!

7. Back off Emmanuel Goldstein!

Do not throw your money away, but do not be a Jew either. Spend some money. Buy a lapdance. Buy a drink. Buy a stripper a drink. If the owner or manager notices, or worse, is told you are not giving up any of the greenbacks, they will probably kick you out and make space for someone who willing to spend some cash. In fact some strip clubs require that you always have something in hand to drink, so sip, do not gulp, that four ounces of Sprite that cost you six dollars. Hell, after awhile of declining lap dances, that stripper may cut you a deal and give you extra dances or will play with your balls; just spend a little bit of money and let her do her job.

8. Walk Out Alive.

If you do something stupid, you will get fucked up. Those huge bouncers get paid to kick ass. Take cash out of the ATM the morning of, and leave your ATM and credit cards at home. Do not waste hundreds of dollars in one night for lust. It is NOT worth it. If you are lucky enough to score with a stripper, wrap your tool. You do not want to walk out of that place, only to find out a few months later your balls might fall off from lack of medical attention.

9. The Axe Effect.

Take some type of body spray, but leave it in the car. You WILL walk out of there reeking with scent of stripper all over you. It does not smell bad necessarily, but it is not appealing at all. You would rather smell like cigarettes than stripper, especially if you have a girlfriend.

10. Be Innovative.

This is just my guide for you on how to avoid being tricked by strippers. Maybe I am dead wrong about something. Make your own observations, test an original hypothesis, and make your own stripper theories. Just use this to start out.

Have an airborne day,
565 Airborne, out.

Typical Me

2008-11-12T17:15:00.000-08:00

A while ago I mentioned that I had a girlfriend. It was not long after that I dumped her. I did mention breaking up with her and WHY I broke up with her, but I did not say HOW I dumped her, which I think is a pretty funny story.

It was not long after being with her that I was frustrated and annoyed with her. All she ever really wanted to talk about was the meaning of life, shit she learned in her philosophy class, and some chick she was always fighting with. First off, I hate high school drama. Fucks that. Second, I hate having constant conversations about academic subjects; I do not live at a fucking school! Most importantly, I am young. I do not know shit about the meaning of life nor do I care. My grandpa always told me not to focus on the meaning of life, because it is revealed to you as an epiphany as you die. That sounds fine by me.

So after four or five weeks, I wanted to call it quits. There was a large obstacle though; her mom is dying. According to her, her mom is terminally ill. I knew I had to break up with her as soon as possible before she became really attached to me. However, I did not want to devastate her even more so by having to tell her, "Hey you piss me off; when I'm with you, I can only think of a girl back home who REALLY is special; it's over." The only logical thing in my head was, lie to her. So I concocted a deviously false story. I told her when I was on leave the month before, I had sex with someone, and "she" just found out "she" is pregnant. I did not have to say anymore because my then girlfriend understood we had to break up because I had to be there for the "girl carrying my child." She ate it up. She then told me she still wanted to be friends and I agreed; fat chance that would actually happen though. I am an awesome douchebag, I know. Try to hinder your jealousy.

Maybe this is why karma bites me on the tip of the dick and I cannot have a girlfriend I really do like. Oh well. Fucks it.

Have an airborne day,
565 Airborne, out.

I Exhale Toxicity

2008-11-05T16:25:00.000-08:00

"TSF Bandenfehl!" claimed victims again. Last weekend my post had a small festival to celebrate Autumn and of course I was voluntold to help. It was not so bad though considering all I did was sit there and eat candy intended to be passed out to kids. When my shift was over I went with a buddy to a cajun food booth and just to ruin my day, Jacksoff HandsOn followed. However, by keen observation and my sixth sense to foreshadow the myriad of opportunities to ruin someone's day, I noticed she left her phone next to the condiments and walked away. As my buddy was ordering food, someone also noticed the phone and asked me, "Do you know who's phone this belongs to?" And of course I repLIED, "No I don't. You should turn it in to Lost and Found." So as she leaves to turn it in, JacksOff HandsOn returns and asks if anyone saw her phone. I lie and say I have no clue. As she frantically searches around the booth in case she dropped it another bystander asks, "You're just going to stand there as a girl in a dress has to crouch around on the grass and look for her phone?" As soon as JacksOff HandsOn leaves, I retorted by saying, "Ma'am, I do not give a flying fuck about that piece of shit." Seeing how I appalled so many people who heard, I calmly and arrogantly walk away. I fucking rule; be jealous; "TSF Bandenfehl!" victim 3.

The next day Tracie says the wrong thing again and thus is subjected to prohibition of communication with TSF Op2; it ended today.

Yesterday was a day of American political significance as Barack Obama won the the presidential election. As you all sat watching TV, refreshing your internet browsers, or just ignoring the election altogether(if you were, I hate your guts you communist heathen fucktard) TSF was out detecting IEDs, fucking up dirties, escalating force on civilians, and training more troops than a pog drill sergeant.

Have an airborne day,
565 Airborne, out.

TSF and Collateral Damage

2008-10-31T20:39:00.000-07:00

TSF has declared a state of "TSF Bandenfehl." I am not even going to explain that, that is how TSF works. Of course, I will tell those that deserve to know about "TSF Bandenfehl" and I should also note that TSF is always keeping an eye open for recruits for the TSF attached unit. *Cough cough.*

Well back to "TSF Bandenfehl." TSF is tired of fucking idiots getting in the way of TSF training, meetings, and operations and thus has imposed the "TSF Bandenfehl." Anyone can fall victim to it. In one night, two people have already suffered from it.

Tomorrow we have a recall formation in the morning because some stupid fuck thought it would be a great idea to resist arrest; this gets in the way of my whiskeyjuliet(If you are not TSF, you will never know, so do not bother asking) operation which was the final cherry on top to declare the "TSF Bandenfehl." So I retired to my room to take off my pants, because being pantless makes me happy. I heard my roommate come in, but I did not know his fiancee was with him, so I remained pantless. Well, if I had known she was coming in I would have still remained pantless but I would have at least covered myself with some sheets. So when she peeks around my side of the room to say hi, it is the crack of my ass that returns the greeting; "TSF Bandenfehl" victim 1.

Then Tracie, Luigi's girlfriend puts herself in position to be a victim. She is always seeking the friendship of TSF, yet suffers from TSF's personality. Now she will suffer more.

Tbelle: i looked up teen spirit on urban dictionary
Tbelle: it means nothing related to sex
Tbelle: its a deodorant
Tbelle: and thats all
PapagenuSasafras: It is apparant you cannot connect my terminology to pop culture.
Tbelle: well fuck i know about the song
PapagenuSasafras: You still have no clue.
Tbelle: whatever i dont like nirvana or your made up words
Tbelle: or the deodorant
PapagenuSasafras: Just quit
PapagenuSasafras: Bandenfehl biotch
Tbelle: I did quit asswipe
Tbelle: and only 15-23 year old girls call anyone a biotch now
Tbelle: im assuming you wont explain what a bandenfehl is
Tbelle: so im just not gonna ask
PapagenuSasafras: It was a eupehmism for what I was originally gonna say.
PapagenuSasafras: Biotch not bandenfehl.
Tbelle: are my assumptions correct
PapagenuSasafras: Dead on.
Tbelle: that youre gonna keep the word meaning between you two stupid fucks
PapagenuSasafras: You're learning.
PapagenuSasafras: Maybe we can be friends.
Tbelle: i dont want to be friends with you
PapagenuSasafras: Fine you said it.
PapagenuSasafras: I'm not visiting you ever.
PapagenuSasafras: In fact I'm blocking you from IMing me.
PapagenuSasafras: Peace out girl scout
*Tbelle is blocked*

She will remain blocked until deemed necessary. "TSF Bandenfehl" can be brutal, but TSF does not give a fuck.

Tracie then tried to save her ass from "TSF Bandenfehl" by calling me, but makes the mistake of calling me "Babe" on accident thinking she was talking to Luigi. I hang up. She calls again and my forgiving side decides to give her a chance to redeem herself, again. She once again states she does not care about talking to me, and being TSF, I do not care to talk to someone that does not care about any communication with TSF, so as of now, Tracie is blocked from any communication with TSF Op2 until deemed necessary or ordered otherwise. "TSF Bandenfehl" victim 2.

I cannot wait to see who will be the next victim.

Have an airborne day,
565 Airborne, out.

Let's Get Fucking High Man!

2008-10-25T21:22:00.000-07:00

Nowadays, there are so many illegal drugs on the streets for kids to take and fuck their minds up. Obviously, there will always be substances that governments try to prohibit and the people will continue abusing these substances, but in a state of genius, I thought of a way to hallucinate and trip out without using any illegal substances. All that is needed is: coffee, energy drinks, niacin, an imagination, and specific types of movies. Coffee will keep you awake, energy drinks give you an instant sugar rush and state of hyperactivity, niacin causes your whole body to suffer inflammation and your senses are heightened, and the imagination attributes to your hallucination. If you do not have much of an imagination, I have the solution. Join the Army or CIA and work under counterintelligence or human intelligence collecting(interrogations) and watch movies that trigger emotions of fear or paranoia such as: The Departed, Syriana, The Good Shephard, Traitor, Dawn of the Dead, The Grudge, or whatever you know will really fuck your head up.

I know what I will be doing on my next four day weekend.

Have an airborne day,
565 Airborne, out.

Gotta Love the Trenches

2008-10-20T20:33:00.000-07:00

Iceman: "Zack and Miri Make A Porno" comes out on her birthday.
Trenches: Nice
Trenches: lets invite her
Iceman: I'll invite her tomorrow
Trenches: foshizz
Trenches: tell her The Trenches demands that she comes with us
Trenches: and then she'll blush
Trenches: and be thinking "TSF makes me DTF"

God bless you Trenches.

Have an airborne day,
565 Airborne, out.

Trial, little error.

2008-10-19T20:01:00.000-07:00

Nothing interesting or humorous with me lately.

I broke up with my girlfriend weeks ago. When I say I like to have intelligent conversations, I do NOT mean I want to ONLY talk about what she learned in class. That is plain, fucking annoying.

Trying to date while in the military is hard. Fucks that. Relationships are not for everyone anyways. I seem to be doing fine with my Nintendo 64, dip, chew, kreteks, coma-inducing buffets with Trenches, chilling with the TSF crew and random cruising with Luigi. That is fun for me.

Have an airborne day,
565 Airborne, out.

Three SOF Imperatives

2008-09-26T20:47:00.000-07:00

I always thought these were the imperatives of Special Operations Forces(Top Secret Badass Fucking Commandos for you civies who are confused).

Understand the Operational Environment
Recognize Political Implications
Facilitate Interagency Activities
Engage the Threat Discriminately
Consider Long-term Effects
Ensure Legitimacy and Credibility of Special Operations
Anticipate and Control Psychological Effects
Apply Capabilities Indirectly
Develop Multiple Options
Ensure Long-term Sustainment
Provide Sufficient lntelligence
Balance Security and Synchronization

Well I was wrong. According to some "Quiet Professionals" I worked with, there are only three SOF imperatives:

1. Always be cool.
2. Never get lost.
3. If lost, refer back to number 1.

According to some of them, Iceman has mastered these imperatives. Based on my observations, Trenches has mastered it for quite some time now. Syllogistically speaking, Iceman and Trenches are cool as fuck. Suck on that Kool Aid Man, "you glass bastard; you glass bitch."

Have an airborne day,
565 Airborne, out.

Chic N Stu

2008-09-18T13:36:00.000-07:00

When I first began talking to my girlfriend, Trenches was texting her at the same time. I am the type of friend that does not mind sharing a girl's attention; besides I called dibs on her, just in case, and being a fair player at the dibs game, Trenches abided by the rules and refrained from pursuing her, most likely because she is 17 and Trenches is 25. I know some of my friends are thinking, "Don't do it Iceman! She's jailbait dumbass!" but do not fret, she will be 18 in October and we are not doing anything sexual, minus the knee job she gave me. Well as she began talking to me, she would text and chat with Trenches, she was trying to get friend approval, which she got, and was asking him how to impress me. My true friends know it does not take much for a girl to impress me. In fact Dave Chapelle put it quite eloquently when he said, "Ladies, don't listen to that bullshit magazines tell you. There aren't a hundred ways to please a man. Just suck my dick, play with my balls, fix me a sandwich, and don't talk so damn much!" I am pretty much the same way. When my girlfriend asked Trenches how to impress me he told her, "Just be yourself and don't force anything; just let things happen as they will. And cook him Mexican food and lots of desserts because he eats like a fat guy." He was pretty much on target.

There was one weekend where Staff Sergeant Rojo cooked us dinner AND brought the food to the barracks. He made some delicious chicken with salsa quesadillas, brownies, used the rest of the chicken to make us chicken with rice for whenever we did not have food, AND brought Dr. Pepper. My hunger was more than satisfied. After our delectable feast, I brought about this observation with Trenches:

Me: Hey, what was it that you told Jeny about impressing me?
Trenches: I told her you eat like a fat guy so she should cook you Mexican food and desserts.
Me: Which is exactly what Rojo did.
Trenches: If Rojo had a vagina, you wouldn't need Jeny.
Rojo: Hahaha.
Me: Yeah that is true, I would just date Rojo.
Trenches: I would probably bang Rojo too.
Me: We would probably fight over the idea and just T-10Delta* Rojo if he were a woman.

*T-10Delta(T-10D) is a term I came up with. The United States paratroopers nowadays use the T-10D parachute for static line jumps. One characteristic about it is that it can handle the weight of two fully combat loaded troopers. Of course, I turned it into a term referring to double-teaming a girl.*

At this point I thought it would be funny to prank my newfound girlfriend. I used Trenches's phone to text her, making her think it was him texting her. "Trenches" told her that I cheated on her already and made the reference to the manner of impressing me. At first she was worried and almost disappointed but soon realized it was a joke and just a reference to the dinner Rojo made us. It was quite hilarious though as I instantly received texts from her questioning my fidelity. I did not put her through too much panic though, and she just laughed at the prank. I am awesome boyfriend, right? We are barely in a relationship and I am already pulling pranks on her regarding my loyalty. I thought it was funny.

Have an airborne day,
565 Airborne, out.

Holy Shirts and Pants

2008-09-06T15:09:00.000-07:00

Yesterday almost sucked, but turned out to be a great day. Tammy and I were helping Been-Jammin move some furniture into his house and at lunch Tammy went to drop me off at the barracks. Being a lazy dumbass I no ballsed him to drive up on the grass and sidewalk and drop me off right in front of my building. Of course, our douchebag, fat sack of shit, spook, Sergeant Major caught us and made us put on all our gear and guard the parking lot. Initially he said we would be out there for two hours, yet I did not care and only laughed the situation off, but when he released us after 15 minutes, I was feeling golden, considering his punishment taught me NOTHING.

The day became interesting after work. My girl from Shreveport was on her way down to Leesville, which is nearly a two and a half hour drive. We had plans to go to dinner, but Trenches and I could not wait that long, so we went to KFC and ate at the buffet, which we learned would be a mistake. We then went to Walmart, where instead of shopping for necessities, we hunted for boodros to take pictures of and add to Trenches's Louisiana Beaudreaux photo album. They finally arrived at Steak and Bitches were we met up; I instantly knew Trenches would not click with her friend who was supposed to be his date, but Trenches being the great friend that he is, stuck around anyways and was a great wingman. Dinner would have completely sucked if Been-Jammin did not show up and grace us with his outlandish, accidental humorous behavior. After the KFC buffet, Trenches and I could not even handle the smell of food. Dinner was needless to say awkward and boring. We were about to head to the movies when they said they had a surprise for Trenches and I; they baked us pie, thus earning bonus points. We then went to the movies where Been-Jammin feel asleep, so Trenches thought it would be funny to put his arm around his shoulder seeing as how Been-Jammin is extremely homophobic; Been-Jammin did not wake up though and I could not get a picture.

After the movie Trenches and Been-Jammin went back on post and I went to the hotel with the girls. My girl wanted me to stay the night with her, but she wanted us all to be in one room, so I made a reservation for a two queen bed room. I feel bad for her friend because once we got to the room, it did not take long for us to start making out. After 10 minutes her friend decided to leave the room for awhile; I would not have minded her watching anyways. We were kissing for awhile when I got tired of being on top so we rolled over when something interesting happened. When she was kissing me, she was doing something quite arousing with her tongue, so naturally I had an erection. Now I don't know if she did it on purpose, or if it was just the way she was lying on top of me, but she was caressing said erection with her knee. In case you are wondering, yes it felt amazing. To let you know how I felt I added a video from Wedding Crashers. I felt just how Vince Vaughn's character felt in this scene:

This happened a few times through the night too. In the morning we discussed whether or not we wanted a relationship. Ten seconds later Iceman has a girlfriend. I did not think it would happen either, but hey I deserve a break. And no, we are not having sex; she wants to be a virgin until she is married, and since I am not the cheating type of douchebag, I can remain abstinent. When we left the room, a Korean maid was waiting outside; she saw my girlfriend's friend walk out, then saw my girlfriend walk out, and saw me walk out. As they were down the hall at the elevator the Korean lady said, "Oooooh you have fun last night. Noooo, you have double fun last night!" I love the Oriental.

As if my weekend was not intriguing enough, more had to follow when I went back on post. I logged on to my computer and Myspace to realize one of my friends had sent me a link on Myspace. I have several friends who like to send me links to their favorite porno on the internet. I happen to have two friends, both female, who love to study the oral sex techniques of Heather Brooke, and lo and behold one of them sent me a link to a Heather Brooke blowjob video; she should not even be looking at porn considering she is still a minor. Once I opened the link, the video started playing, at the same time I heard a knock on my door. Oblivious to who it may be, I just opened the door; it was my First Sergeant coming to inspect my living conditions......with the porno playing on my computer. This was our conversation:

Me: Hooah Top.
Top: Hey soldier, I'm just coming by to see how y'all are doing.
Me: Pardon the mess Top, but I am cleaning my gear.
Top: No worries soldier relax. Your room is pretty clean, just make sure y'all sweep the common area time to time.
Me: Roger Top.
Top:(He looks at my computer) Looking at some porn?
Me: Uhhh my girlfriend sent me that. She's freaky like that.
Top:(Nods acknowledging he likes the porn) Damn I wish I had a girlfriend who sent me things like that. Have a good weekend.
Me: Hooah Top.

Yet even more happened. The sergeant who lives on my floor knocked on my door, I am guessing, to make me sweep the common area. I opened the door but he was not there, but when I thought I heard one of my NCO's in the common area I looked through the peephole as I shut off my lights so that they would think I was not in my room. It was actually the sergeant's girlfriend. As I watched him sweep the common area, I see his girlfriend walk in his room, leave the door wide open, walk into the bathroom, leave the door wide open, and drop her pants to take a piss. I could not believe it, until she stood up to wipe her vagina. I just saw my neighbor's girlfriend urinate. Of course I had to tell Trenches.

By the way, Trenches is fucking awesome. Best wingman, and a friend, a guy could have. If you are a hot, single girl and you have not tried to woo him yet; well, that is the wrong fucking answer.

Have an airborne day,
565 Airborne out.

Of Texts and Men

2008-08-31T20:25:00.000-07:00

Just a few updates on my douchebag life. For those you who are on my friends list on Myspace and Facebook and have been reading my statuses lately, Leslie Estillete is this boodra whore who fucked with Trenches head and made him think she likes him and then stole his Star Wars movies, decided it would be fun to blatantly ignore him and started fucking random boodros around her dorm. First of all, no one fucks with my friends or their emotions. Second, I hate stupid whores. Third, Star Wars is an immaculate series and you do NOT steal any Star Wars memorabilia or such items from anyone! So Leslie Estillete can someday expect a pissed off brown kid with a nightstick at her door, there to pick up the movies and to fuck shit up in her room; and possibly take a shit in her room too.

On a brighter note though, Trenches and I have found two other boodras who seem to really dig us. Using a Facebook application, that works on the realm of Match.com, a cute girl started talking to me. Go ahead and laugh if you want, but she is very attractive and would do anything for me. Besides, my cousin Luigi got his girlfriend through Facebook, and though I hate to admit it because I like pissing her off, Tracie is hot and not some other dumb, slutty bitch. I feel weird complimenting her though, so FUCK YOU TRACIE, you damn walking clitoris. Last weekend, while we were drunk, Trenches thought it would be funny to text this girl that found me on Facebook. Since then she has been talking to him too, attempting to seek friend approval and asking for advice on how to impress me. Seeing as how Trenches is a true and honest friend he told me, "I told her to be herself and not try to force anything... to just let things happen as they will and to cook you Mexican food and desserts cuz you eat like a fat guy."
Much like any other federal holiday, we were given a four day weekend for Labor Day. However, Hurrican Gustav, a possible category 4, is about to hit Louisiana in a few days, and unlike everyone else on post who is swarming the Commissay, Post Exchange, local Walmarts, and gas stations for supplies, food, and water, Trenches and I chose to stock up on chewing tobacco and seeds and get outlandishly drunk. After work on Thursday we went to Steak and Bitches, where as an inside joke, a fellow soldier bought Trenches a martini, which of course I drank like a shot of liquor. After I got back to my room, I drank some beer like a fish and knocked out. The next day though, my roommate and his girlfriend invited us to a Mexican restaurant-run by Puerto Ricans, those saltwater Mexicans- and then to go bowling with them. The bowling was fun, especially when Trenches was drunk and my roommate's girlfriend told him about a woman she wants him to meet. Of course he said, "I don't mind dating a chick that has a kid, at least I know she puts out." When I realized there was not going to be any NCO's at the bowling alley, I decided to start drinking and to catch up. It did not take me long to catch up with the Jack and Coke mixes that Ski was buying. After a good hour, I was well sauced myself.

We began bowling by swinging the ball aroundthe back of our legs when I thought it would be funny to make this bet: "Dude, how about, whoever bowls a strike with a in-between-the-legs-bowl, makes the other one text J*** and tell her she's falling for her!" In retrospect it was a win-win situation for him; either I lose and I admit to her that I like her, or Trenches loses and has to tell her. I bowled a strike on the second frame. I was rolling on the floor laughing while Trenches sunk to his knees as he realized he would have lie to tell a 17 year old girl obviously interested in me, and tell her he likes her. She did not text or call either of us the rest of the night.
After the bowling alley closed, we were going to go to this shitty dive of a club, until Trenches educed us into going to a shitty dive of a strip club. This was a bad idea considering Ski was with us, and the strip club atmosphere runs in the blood of every greasy, wop, deigo. We continued the drinking while we watched strippers dance and kiss Trenches. One even put a piece of ice in her mouth, kissed his neck, and then passed him the piece of ice with her tongue. The last hour we were there was spent with Ski trying to convince one of the strippers to give Trenches a blowjob. He was so successful, not only was she willing to blow Trenches, but she wanted to fuck Ski too. Fucking wop. The next day we wake up, and decide to make Staff Sergeant Rojo cook lunch for us, which was delicious. Job well done Rojo. While at Rojo's house, we called and texted my girl from Shreveport to see if she would say anything about the text Trenches sent her. She was mature enough to tell Trenches it was just the alcohol talking, and told me the truth about the text. This girl is awesome, cute and mature for her age. After some time, she has Trenches text her friend that is with her, and he has been texting her since. Hopefully she is as attractive physically as she is interesting. Then Trenches and I can both stop trying to kill ourselves because we have no women. Hopefully it works out for us.

Not such an interesting weekend, but at least Ski and I got strippers to make out with Trenches.

Have an airborne day,
565 Airborne out.

Regular Vacation

2008-08-30T18:35:00.000-07:00

I know many of you want to know what happened when I was home on leave. Considering I was drunk or hungover 98% of the time I was home, it is still difficult trying to put all the blurry images together for one coherent blog post. I would rather change the format of my blog and just list the events in no particular order.

Before I even left Louisiana I started trouble. My squad leader picked me up early and drrove me to the Alexandria International Airport, which ironically, only handles domestic flights. I bet it was all because some uneducated Louisiana hillbilly fucking boodro did not comprehend the word "International" and lacked knowledge of the word "domestic." After checking in my bags I go up stairs to the miniature security checkpoint and make a realization, I have not shaved. I look a bit Middle Eastern right now. Yessssss. I walk up to place my bag and personal items on the conveyer belt and when the TSA worker asks for my boarding pass, with a heavy Arabic accent I say, "Yes, yes. I give you pass. Me pass checkpoint. Me pass." Her reply, "No sir. I need to see your boarding pass." I say, "Oh yes here, here is pass. Careful with bag. Careful. Careful please." Sure enough I am pulled to the side, my bag is thoroughly scrutinized, and I get the white glove treatment. It took the greatest strength and restraint to refrain from laughing so hard. After they were done, I proceeded to my gate. I just played a game with airport security, when the wrong diction or body language may have dictated a threat to national security. I fucking rule. As I board the plane, I realize my seat, which should have had no one next to me, has a woman with so much makeup on that smell makes me nauseous. I decide to fuck with her head so she will request a seat change. I put my bag up and just stare at her. "Is this your seat?" I blabber, "Mallekakka dirka dirka Mohammed al tadr shiha." She gets up and requests a seat change. Since the plane is pretty vacant we both get what we want. She wants to be a bigot and not sit next to me, because she thinks I am Arabic, and I get the seat next to me to stretch my legs and sleep. I am a douche, I know. Be jealous.

Talked to Felicia. I was quite cold, and distant to her. I do not care.

Got drunk with my Compadre, Poon, and Old Sport. Went back to my house; my brother's bunkbeds are unstable, so Poon and Old Sport had to sleep on the bottom bunk and I slept on the floor. Poon ended up spooing Old Sport; my little sister even has a picture.

Had sex with my parents' neighbor in the backyard on my dad's lawn chair. My dad found us in the backyard the next morning; I forgot he works nights. I convinced him we did not have sex. He is so naive he still thinks I am a virgin. I am a great son. I did wash the chair though.

Celebrated M-Pie's birthday. My present to her was taking her to a hookah bar with Poon, Old Sport, Vai, Carissa, and Darth Wenis, where per her request, we carried on an old past time of ours in which we discussed our latest sexual exploits. Congratulations goes to M-Pie for shooting past second base and hitting third base. We then went back to her house where she wanted to make mimosas; instead I drank half a bottle of her dad's 16 year old scotch. M-Pie also told us a funny story of her lack of knowledge of irregular menstruations when she was in her early teens and thus, at one point, she believed she was the next "Virgin Mary" and got down on her knees at prayed to God saying she was not ready for the responsibility.

Took my little sister to her weekly soccer sports medicince training in Anaheim. Somehow I ended up recieving oral sex from one of the single soccer moms.

Watched Stepbrothers with Old Sport and BAMF. I smack-talked many of the local teens; police asked me if I was drunk; I said no(definitely a lie); they tell me to go home. I yell, "Is this how you treat an American hero? Fuck you liberal dicksuckers." How I was not arrested I do not know.

Had sex with the neighbor again.

Took Poon and Old Sport to get their first lap dances; SpeedTalker came along. I ended up having sex with a stripper.....for free. I guess playing the paratrooper card gets you laid. She would not stop talking though. I rally back with the homies only to find out Old Sport got a handjob from the stripper that gave him a lap dance. Then I found out SpeedTalker also got a handjob from her. As if I could not stop laughing already, I was told that when Poon found out she gives handjobs with the lap dance, he sought her out and also got a lap dance. Three of my friends got handjobs from the same stripper within a 30 minute time period.

Saturday sucked. First date boloed on me. I called up another girl, but she did not answer. Finally I went to see my friend who used to be my english teacher, after drinking plenty of whisky; I hid my inebriation well. After serving me several beers and a fine dinner, I take her niece on a date to the movies. She was texting the whole time which made it even harder to make a move on her considering I was quite drunk and we were watching a comedy. I take her home and go back to finish off the whisky.

I did not go to church on Sunday because my whole family tried to wake me up, but I was cold stone drunk. They should have punched me in the testicles to wake me up; anything to get me awake for God. Sunday is a blur. I probably drank more with Poon.

Monday rolls by and I finally hang out with my Godfather. He is not much older than me, actually a few years younger than Trenches; he is awesome though, always there for me when I need spiritual guidance, or to get me drunk. We did both, discussed faith, and then drank beer everytime we saw blood in the movie Gladiator; we were drunk after 45 minutes. Some old homies from church were also there and thus beer shotguns were a necessity. I also remember walking to the local 7-11 quite inebriated. I put a dip(chewing tobacco) in and after talking to one of my homies while he bought more drinks, I resultingly swallowed A LOT of dip. This was the result:

Homie: Hey are you ok?
Me: Fo shizz ma nigga! UGHHHHHHHALAAAAHHH(Vomit all over the 7-11 parking lot).
Homie: Damn dude, hahahaha.
(I take four steps)
Me: UGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHALAAAAHHH! I'm sorry 7-11 dude that has to clean this up! Ok, I'm good.
Homie: Hahahaha.
(We make it across the street)
Me: UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHALALAAAHHHAHHHA! Damn bro, I can taste the Mexican candy we ate. Makes the puke not taste so bad. Ok, NOW I'm good.

An earthquake hit Chino Hills; California was just making me feel at home. Lots of people boloed on going to the beach, so instead I went with Poon, my little sister, and my little brother to see the Dark Knight. Now my sister has a severe phobia of clowns and burn victims.

M-Pie and Carissa throw a little party for me to reunite me with some homies. I show them who is the beer bong champ. Vai tells me he will have to leave early because he is going to have a threesome; I obviously doubt him, until he shows me the text messages. I congratulate him until he tells me they are 15 years old; I call him a dirty pervert and say he is going to Hell with me. I also saw a girl who I kissed before I left for basic training; apparantly I was her first kiss; I was drunk when it happened. I ignored her presence at the party the whole night; I am a douche, I know, I do not give a fuck.

I cannot remember what happened on Thursday. All I remember was that I was depressed because I would have to leave soon. This was also when I decided sex was making me even lonelier and I should go on an abstinence stint. Yes, I am going to be abstinent from sex. Fuck all you that are laughing because you do not believe me. Bastards.

I am just about all packed and ready to leave. I decide I should have one last evening of beers and pizza with the homies. Several friends stopped by and hung out a bit. At one point one of my friends asked for a jacket because she was getting cold. We go inside to look for one while everyone is outside drinking. While I was looking for one, she was on my computer. She wanted to wear an old BDU jacket, but it had a bunch of pins in it, so instead I got one of my old ACU coats for her to wear. While she was on my computer, I finished packing. Apparantly my friends did not believe me when I told them I was abstinent because I heard this from them.

"Dude how was it?"
"Don't lie! You suck!"
"You guys were in there for an hour and then you guys came out smiling and she was wearing your Army shit!"
"Come one man, just tell us some of the details!"
"What do mean nothing happened?!?!"
"You abstinent?!?! Yeah fucking right!"

We ended up going to a hookah bar and then a few of us went back to my house, where I had the feeling Poon was going to vomit from drinking for the first time, considering he kept spitting on the grass and was leaning on the chair. He was surprised I was feeling sick considering I drank just as much as he did. When it was time to go to the airport, Poon had passed out on my bed. I was at my boarding gate two hours prior to boarding, but I waited until the last call to actually board the plane. From what I hear, that is normal, especially for soldiers stationed at Fort Polk; that is how much Fort Polk sucks.

Something else happened too, but because it may bring about assault and battery charges, I will not write about it....yet.

That was just my normal vacation for you.

Have an airborne day,
565 Airborne out.

Racism

2008-08-14T20:12:00.000-07:00

Fucking Beaners, Niggers, Kikes, Wops, Greasers, Ruskies, Camel Jockeys, Micks, Honkies, Macks, Spics, Porch Monkeys, Sheenies, Gooks, Krauts, Limeys, White Trash Inbreds, Gingers, and Canucks.

Let me dwell into a world no one ever dares to: racial slurs. If you feel you may be offended based on what you read so far, you are probably a person who judges books by their covers and should not be reading my blog anyways. Now I know many are waiting to read about my vacation in Los Angeles a few weeks back, but two recent events have sparked a greater sense of importance in my mind. A few days ago the dumb fucking idiot, JacksOff-HandsOn, said she was offended by the use of the word "nigger." This is the situation in which the word was used, verbatim:

Stretch: Fucking Ski, that wop, dago, guinea pollack!
Do-Ham: Shut your mouth you fucking stinky ass hippie shit!
Me: You shut up you fucking buck-toothed, inbred, honky, sister-fuck.
Tammy: Fucking educated beaners.
Me: Fuck you.
Everyone: HAHAHAHA.
Sheeny: I still can't believe how much racism exists today.
Me: It's xenophobia and ignorance dude. I guess it takes being part of a great melting pot like the Army to avoid that shit.
Sheeny: Yeah seriously. Like when I was at Ozzfest two weeks ago I heard some guy say, "There should be another line for spics and niggers."
Me: Hahaha fucking Texans, buncha queers.
JacksOff-HandsOn: That word offends me!
Tammy: Texans???
Everyone: Hahaha.
*JacksOff-HandsOn is black.

It is obvious that Sheeny did not use the word "nigger" in a derogatory manner, but was merely explaining to us an incident. However, JacksOff-HandsOn, being the fucking moron that she is, complained to our sergeants about this use of "nigger." Notice how only "nigger" bothered her, but all the racial slurs preceding it, did not offend her. Before I state my opinion, I want to mention key things Staff Sergeant Dizzle and our platoon sergeant, BossMan, mentioned as they arbitrated the incident. SSG Dizzle said, "If one racial slur offends you, they should all offend you! And if the word 'nigger' offends you, then I find it hard to see how y'all can listen to rap which uses it often. I hate hypocrisy!" Then BossMan retorted with, "In fact y'all should grow some thicker skin. I hear y'all say racist shit to each other all the time, yet it seems to bring unity and make y'all work together more. Unless it is used with sincere hate, y'all should stop bitching and whining." I could not agree more. There are some people who should be born mute, and JacksOff-HandsOn is one of those people. Every day she is unhappy or miserable, I feel such great ebullience in life and cannot help, but walk ecstatically.

Now that I am on the subject of the word "nigger," I want to discuss the difference between the racial slur "nigger" and the word, "nigga" which is a colloquial term acknowledging friendship. Unless you are over 50 years old, or are not one to have ANY interaction with society, it is obvious there is a difference between "nigger" and "nigga."

Since my little sister began following in my steps and started adapting a behavior marked by cynicism and clever remarks, she began to bully me about being the darkest one in our family. Everyone, being paternal and maternal aunts, uncles, and cousins, is nicely tanned, whereas I am, well dark as fuck in comparison to them. Being ironic, I always called my sister, "my lil nigga." I never felt any discomfort in saying it because I always had a myriad of friends from all races, including black ones, who had no problem with me calling them, "my niggas." Thus, applying the terminology of my friends, as well as my own stemming from my Mexican ancestry, I referred to my friends as "vatos, homies, homes, and niggas." Seeing as how I have not seen my little sister, whom I love dearly, in seven months, I was more than joyed to spend time with "my lil nigga." However, seeing as how my family lives in a suburb of Los Angeles, it is uncommon to hear "nigga," so of course my dad felt uncomfortable knowing that someone, especially someone who should feel nothing but indifference, would be offended, and he was right.

While I was on leave, I connected my laptop to the house DSL line, because I would just leave it on all day and night. I had a habit of leaving my facebook, AIM, and myspace logged in whie I left and my sister chose to exploit this fault. She would have conversations with my friends using my AIM screen name, but most of all she took great pleasure in fucking around with my myspace profile, before logging on to her own. However, she was just as forgetful in signing out so I would retaliate and fuck with her myspace profile as well, thus sparking a "fuck with each other's myspace" war. One thing I happened to change on her profile which she did not notice was her "Who I'd Like to Meet" in which I wrote, "Already met my fav niggas!." A week after I came back from leave, we exchanged these messages:
*My sister is almost 12 years old.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Liz
Date: Aug 7, 2008 11:41 PM

uuugggghhhh freakin kuya!!!!!!!!!!!
*Kuya means "big brother" in Tagalog. I am Fillipino and Mexican.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Iceman
Date: Aug 7, 2008 9:51 PM

wtf Chuch!
*Chuch is a term of endearment Poon came up with for his sister and I stole it from him, because at the request of my dad, I would stop calling my sister "my lil nigga." In a drunken state, he said, "Well in spanish 'chula' means 'pretty' and my sister is religious and goes to church all the time, so I put 'chula' and 'church' to make 'Chuch.' I just started saying it when I came home drunk one day and she was the first person I saw."

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Liz
Date: Aug 7, 2008 11:53 PM

okay ssooo my so called friend read my "who id like to meet" section!her step dad is blackhold on i'll send you her stupid msg

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Iceman
Date: Aug 7, 2008 9:55 PM

hahaha ok

----------------- Original Message -------------------
From: Liz
Date: Aug 7, 2008 11:57 PM

exuse me you say nigga that offends me n my dad n u dont have me on your top thats just mest up .................well.........................................................................................................................bye

lizzie-ssoo yeah whatever,i deleted everything that got her pissed off

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Iceman
Date: Aug 7, 2008 10:00 PM

pssssh fuck that nigga chuch, she is just mad shes not on your top
she doesn't know how to spell anyways, she's a fucking idiot

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Liz
Date: Aug 7, 2008 10:15 PM

lol i know

Curious about the situation, I called my sister last friday on my lunch break to see if there was any update.

Me: Hey Mom, lemme talk to Chuch.
Sister: Hi Kuya!
Me: Hey Chuch, did your idiot friend message you back?
Sis: No she hasn't replied or talked to me since.
Me: Fuck her anwyays. Just don't tell Dad ok?
Sis: Freakin' duhhh! He'll just call and get mad at you, he will beat my ass! Got to go, bye!
Me: Peace, nigga.

It was not fifteen minutes when my dad called me and we had this conversation.

Dad: What the hell?!?! I told you someone would be offended!
Me: What???
Dad: Gabi's dad just called me about the word "nigger" on your sister's page, and I know you are the one who did it!
Me: Bullshit! I put "nigga." Big difference! Wait, is Gabi's dad, Brian? The guy I met at one of Chuch's soccer games?
Dad: Still though! I warned you this would happen. Now he's pissed off! And yes, that's him.
Me: Dad! He's not even black! He just has black skin. That bastard grew up in Beverly Hills! Now he lives on Spyglass Hill! The RICHEST NEIGHBORHOOD OF WHITTIER! He shouldn't have been offended! It doesn't apply to him! He should feel offended if I called him a fucking honky!
Dad: JESUS! SHUT UP! Here is his number! 562-698-****! Call him and apologize!
Me: Fuck no dude!
Dad: For your sister's sake.
Me: Low blow dude, not cool. Fine. I'll call right now. Talk to you later Dad.
Dad: Thank you. Bye.

As I dialed the number and contemplated what I would say, I remembered something important, I am the Iceman, one who has a cold heart marked by asserting authority and intelligence over those who are weak while attempting to shatter their dreams and souls. This is the conversation we had over the phone:

Brian: Hello?
Me: Hi, my name is PFC Iceman with the United States Army. I am calling on behalf of my sister, Elizabeth.
Brian: Ahh yes. So you're calling about the incident.
Me: Yes I am. I just want to assert that it was a misunderstanding and I shouldn't have to be calling you.
Brian: So it seems we are on the same page.
Me: So you know you overreacted. Excellent!
Brian: Overreacted?!?! You used a racial slur!!!
Me: Hey! Don't raise your fucking voice at me you fucking civi! I'm trying to resolve this in an adult manner.
Brian: WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?!?!
Me: I said calm down fucker! I will break your neck with my penis if you don't stop yelling in the phone!
Brian: Well I am outraged at the fact a racial slur offended me and you can't realize that!
Me: Hey idiot! I never used a racial slur!
Brian: You wrote "nigger" on your sister's myspace!
Me: You are just the most xenophobic, ignorant piece of shit! I wrote "nigga," not "nigger!"
Brian: It is the same thing!
Me: No it is not! Wait, weren't you born and raised in Beverly Hills?!
Brian: What does that have to do with anything!
Me: EVERYTHING! You just have a dark skin complexion! You know nothing about being "black" or being raised in an urban enviroment! You should not have been offended at all! It does not apply to you!!!
Brian: You are just some dumb, punk loser who enlisted!
Me: That was mature, you racist motherfuck! And for your information I applied to UCLA and Columbia, and was accepted, based on my academic excellence and not by having my dad buy off the admissions office or without me sucking dick and swallowing sperm, unlike you spoiled jackoff! I enlisted to serve my nation so you have the freedom to keep sucking dick behind your wife's back, who has great tits I will admit.
Brian: This conversation is over.
Me: Good talking to you homie. Peace out nigga!!

As if I could not be further satisfied with angering a spoiled rich man, my dad left this message in my voicemail the next day:

"Well I hope you're happy. Gabi's dad transferred her to another middle school and pulled her off the soccer team so they can avoid any association with us."

Even more so, my delight was further tickled when my sister left this message in my voicemail:

"Hey Kuya. I'm sure you heard Dad's message by now. I just wanted to say don't worry about me losing friends or being ostracized by the school faculty. The faculty still remembers your accomplishments and acted as if nothing happened and all my friends think you are the coolest person ever. I am more popular than ever before! Love you, bye!

I know by now you have innumerable thoughts running through your head, but are speechless. Yes I went there, and proved a point. They should take this blog post and teach it in a sociology class. Peace out niggas!

Have an airborne day,
565 Airborne, out.

Typical Day

2008-07-19T18:04:00.000-07:00

At the request of one of my buddies, who I will call Been-Jammin I am going to write about a typical day of work in 5th platoon. We have what is a well persona-balanced group of people. You all already know much of how Sergeant Trenches is and you can always read more about what goes on in his head at sgttrenches.blogspot.com. There is also Been-Jammin a Caribbean Islander who will not refrain from speaking his mind; Do-ham is southerner from Tennessee with the typical hick accent and lack of a social filter which results with many insults being thrown around carelessly; Jackoff-HandsOn a stupid bitch who claims to have PTSD(although she has not seen combat for shit) and will blab away refusing to shut her fucking trap as well as being known for being a nasty whore(you may have read about in "Me a Jody?!? No, Not Really, So It's Ok;" she is the fucktard who was looking at dildos on my computer); Ski is a fucking guinea from Boston, or Rhode Island, I do not really know; Tammy is actually a male who earned his nickname by putting Sergeant Trenches and their squad leader Staff Sergeant Dizzle through many frustrating days of emotion and self-pity; Stretch as you may know from my entry, "Problematic Roommates," is still a worthless piece of shit waste of taxpaying dollars; Monkey, the blackest guy I have ever met; 3Speed is a female who came to the unit always moving slow, earning her the nickname 1Speed, but after engaging in a relationship with well liked soldier, Bus, has shifted gears into being a "high-speed" soldier, though she still seems to suffer from narcolepsy; Tomboy whom Sergeant Trenches tried to date, but you can read about that failure yourself(http://sgttrenches.blogspot.com/2008_04_01_archive.html); Black Magic who is well, just pimp; there also a handful of others in my platoon, but they are typical, boring people that whine and bitch like every other day, or are just people that have not done much yet to earn a place in my blog.

The plan for the day was to wake up, draw weapons, and head to the motorpool for hours of work and inspections. Well it is not really a typical day considering we did not have PT, but the work we did is quite orthodox to us. In case you do not know what a layout is or are unfamiliar with this military practice, imagine a large shed in the middle of a parking lot, and having to take everything out of that shed and organize it neatly in the parking lot; we had much to layout including: troop tents, camo nets, poles for the camo nets, car jacks, a myriad of 5 gallon water containers, many spools of commo wire and field phones; yeah, fuck my life. This is the course of not-so-funny-but-still-humorous-in-a-way events that took place.

4:20am: My alarm goes off. Fuck my life.

4:56: After putting on my uniform, and spending time cleaning the mess Stretch- that dirty fucking douchebag-made in my room, I walk outside with all my gear and realize that Been-Jammin took off without me, thinking I left really early. Fuck my life.

5:03: Been-Jammin returned to pick me up and we arrive at the company to draw weapons and have our ID cards and dogtags inspected.

5:05: I clear my weapon. Been-Jammin makes his first vulgar comment against Jacksoff-HandsOn for the day. "That fucking nasty whore; why is she drawing a weapon? Is she gonna say she's gonna kill herself again? I fucking hope so; nasty stupid bitch." I laugh.

5:06: Breger, the training operations soldier is inspecting our ID cards; she is being the usual cunt that she is; I make a wish that she dies lonely, and fatter than she is now.

5:40: We put all our weapons, plus some CBRN equipment in a humvee and carpool to the motorpool.

5:41: On our way to the motorpool, Been-Jammin makes his second comment of the day. "Looking at Jacksoff-HandsOn makes me hate life. I wish someone would run her over." I say, "No Balls." He says, "I wish I had the balls to do it." I laugh.

5:55: Hot chow arrives. While I am sitting down eating next to Ski and Been-Jammin, he makes his third comment for the day. "Look at Jacksoff-HandsOn, she just sits there pretending to be part of other people's conversations; that nasty whore." Ski and I laugh.

6:00: I shoot the shit talking to one of our supply specialists and a buddy from 6th platoon. He says that the supply specialist is the sham king. I say, "If Mendoza is the sham king, then Monkey must be the god." We laugh at the acknowledgement of Monkey being lazy.

6:10: We begin pulling all the shit out of our conex(the shed) for the next few hours. We work quite quickly and efficiently; I am impressed with our teamwork.
Been-Jammin states how he wants to take down("fuck") Tomboy. I laugh.

9:35: After working for hours to get everything out of the conex and organize it in the motorpool, we all sit down and take a break. Black Magic makes a comment about Jacksoff-HandsOn possibly educing a comment out of Been-Jammin. However, my squad leader anticipates it and motions to Been-Jammin not to say anything. We all laugh. We disperse a bit to talk amongst ourselves. I sing a verse from "Business Time" by Flight of the Conchords. Been-Jammin laughs.

9:50: Some of the guys start talking about Jacksoff-HandsOn. Monkey makes false accusations about some of the guys in our platoon fucking her. Been-Jammin talks to me about his frustration from Monkey accusing him of fucking Jacksoff-HandsOn. I recall a conversation with Monkey a few months back and tell Been-Jammin, giving him a chance to have the upper hand. This conversation occurs:

Monkey: Tttelllla I'm telling you, we all know you fucked her.
Been-Jammin: You wanna keep talking shit?
Monkey: I'm just saying the truth.
Been-Jammin: Is that so? Well I clearly remember you saying one day, "Damn she's trying to fuck another guy in the condemned barracks again? Last night she was in my room trying to play with my dick."

Everyone laughs.

Monkey: What?!?! I didn't fucking say that!
Been-Jammin: Bullshit. I can call out someone here who was also there when you said it.
Monkey: Do it then, call him out.
Been-Jammin: Tell him airborne.
Me: You fucking monkey ethiopian. Don't lie.
Everyone: HAAHAHAAAAHHHAHAHAHA!!!
Monkey: This is bullshit! That didn't happen!
Me: Is that so? Wait. Can I actually see you blushing under all that black, dark monkey skin of yours?
Everyone: HAHAHAHAHAAHA!

10:30: We begin laying out all our gear and uniforms for inspection. I realize I forgot my PT belt. Fuck my life. Do-ham notices that Jacksoff-HandsOn is the only idiot laying her stuff out different from the rest of us. Been-Jammin makes his fourth comment of the day; "That stupid bitch. I would steal her shit, but it probably smells like motorpussy!" I laugh. I still do not know what motorpussy means. Fucking islanders crack me up haha. Tammy says he has an extra PT belt; I say I need it, but Jacksof-HandsOn claims she called it first and rushes her pygmy ass to grab it. Fuck her. I am pissed, considering I let Tammy borrow Luigi's e-tool for a month and had to stop Luigi from kicking his ass for not returning it. Fuck Tammy. He is not getting my help ever again. He can cry and whine like he always does. Sorry Trenches, I know you are his team leader and all, but fuck Tammy and his self-pity.

11:00: Sheeny, the only Jewish soldier in our platoon brings me my PT belt. I make a mental note to spare his life and soul in the future. If only he would adopt daily hygiene practices, Sheeny would be a decent soldier. First Sergeant inspects my layout and does not say a thing. I rule.

12:00pm: We pack up all our gear and go to lunch. Been-Jammin makes what is possibly his fifteenth comment about Jacksoff-HandsOn; I lost count. "Look at that nasty whore trying to get a ride from 3Speed. Doesn't 3Speed know her car is now going to smell like nasty cunt?" I laugh. After I finish eating lunch, I call Domino's Pizza to order some food for the squad leaders; they always looks out for me, encourage and motivate me to do my best, ordering them some pizza is the least I can do. Lo and behold, my one night stand answers the phone. She thanks me again for a fun night and resultingly, I only pay seven dollars to have two medium pizzas and a bottle of soda to be delivered to the motorpool.

12:45: The pizza arrives and remembering that Tomboy did not eat lunch, I decide to take the food to the sergeants first, hoping they will devour it before she goes to them. I drop off the food, then go tell Tomboy there is pizza in the office. The sergeants devoured it instantly. Success as I hoped. That is what Tomboy gets for being a fucking tease with my friend, Trenches, and for lying about things Been-Jammin did because she wants to pretend to be a squad leader and says she is "looking out for her soldier(Jacksoff-HandsOn)." Whatever fucktard. Squad Leader my ass. I clearly remember our Sergeant Major and First Sergeant determining she does not have the knowledge or military bearing deeming her to be in a promotable status to the rank of Sergeant. Dream on you useless bitch.

1:00: The rest of our equipment is inspected. We do pretty good. Our vehicle dispatches are fucked. It is Tammy's fault. He likes to take responsibility of that task but fucks it up like he fucks his life up. Everytime I see Trenches, I sing a verse of "Business Time." He always laughs. Black Magic's phone rings several times throughout the day playing, "American Boy" by Estelle. I feel motivated. For the rest of the day I decide I am going to sing the same lyrics from Gwen Stefani's song, "Hollaback Girl." 6th platoon laughs everytime they hear me go, "The shit is bananas, B-A-N-A-N-A-S. THE SHIT IS BANANAS! B-A-N-A-N-A-S! The shit is bananas, B-A-N-A-N-A-S. THE SHIT IS BANANAS! B-A-N-A-N-A-S! Few times been around that track, so it's not just gonna happen like that, cause I ain't no hollaback girl. I ain't no hollaback girl!"

5:30: All our gear is the trailer of one of the humvees. The nets are on our BIDS trucks, we are ready to go home. People still bitch knowing we were told to an expect a long day. Black Magic takes charge and gets the last few taskings done. Where were you there Tomboy, Ms. I-Wanna-Be-A-Squad-Leader? Oh yeah, I clearly remember you leaving early, abandoning us at the motorpool. You suck at life and at being a soldier, let alone a squad leader, or acting sergeant.

6:15: I make it back to my room at the same time Stretch does. It was at least 102 degrees not accounting for the humidity; I long for a shower. Stretch goes back, changes his clothes, and leaves without showering. That nasty fuck.

11:00pm: Considering the next day will be even longer, I go to sleep after watching TV. I say my prayers, count my blessings, and plead to God to not let the weak into the Army anymore. God acknowledges my prayer and says no. I thank Him for listening anyways.

Have an airborne day,
565 Airbone out

Teenage Fun At the Expense of Others

2008-07-08T18:32:00.000-07:00

I just had to post this because I find myself telling it to my friends and coworkers quite often because it fills me with absolute joy and humor.

Growing up, I was privileged, not in that my family was wealthy or spent wealthy, but that my parents did their best to raise me. I would say they did a damn good job. Sure I am disrespectful, but it is only to stupid people who do not deserve any respect and although I can be the biggest asshole some people will ever meet in their lives, I can be caring and compassionate, although it rarely happens nowadays. My parents were always there for me and I love them for that. My cousin(not Luigi) however, was not as fortunate. His douche bag father abandoned him when we were still very young. My aunt was left to raise him herself. We lived in the same house for about five years, but still lived a few blocks away from each other for some seven plus years and from then at least lived in the same city until we reached high school when he moved to another county. Neither one of us had siblings until we were about seven years old, so that factor, plus being the same age resulted us with growing up together as more than cousins, but more like brothers. We always looked out for each other and generally liked the same things.

When we were 13 or 14 years old, my cousin found the perfect activity to ease our summer boredom. Well actually, my cousin found the perfect activity as I would just watch; he would put on gloves and make snowballs of dry ice and throw them at people. At first he refrained from throwing them at people's faces and would aim for their arms and legs. We laughed so hard as we saw people run home crying and bleeding. Then one day I coaxed him into throwing them at people's faces. "Dude, he is fucking ugly. I know I'm not really good looking to judge how people look, but he is fucking ugly." From then on, the people we truly despised would find themselves victims to a dry ice snowball to the face. My cousin always acknowledged the hard work and sacrifice his mom made in raising him alone so, I pitied the soul who would disrespect his or her mom and have my cousin find out; that would be two dry ice snowballs to the face.

Although this activity has disfigured a handful of faces, ruined lives, and crushed much self-esteem, I still laugh about it every time I think about it. I do not give a fuck whether you think it is funny or not. Go ahead and pester me about it, I will personally throw a dry ice snowball at your face. So instead of bitching about how I am going to Hell, you should just buy me a beer or buy me a shot, and give me a high five. Liquor is always fun and the high five will never die.

Have an airborne day,
565 Airborne out.

Fucking the Pizza Delivery Girl

2008-06-29T18:15:00.000-07:00

Seeing as how I have been lagging on the blog posts, I figured I should post this story too.

Whenever I am sans-roommate or I realize that my roommate will not be in for awhile, or days on end, I take the opportunity to shower as long as I want, but more importantly I can air dry after the shower and remain in my birthday suit. Now I know what some of you may be thinking, "He just sits around nude??? He must be a pervert or some type of sexual deviant," but no, I do not sit around nude for the purpose of sexual desire. Honestly, who the fuck gets sexual pleasure from sitting around nude? Not me. I just like the cool feeling from my air conditioner all over my body. If you lived in the ridiculous humidity ridden weather of Louisiana, you would understand.

So there I was sitting in my room, after a fresh shower, just typing away as I communicated with friends back home, when someone knocked on my door. Mind you I was sitting at my computer, in my birthday suit for about two hours before came that knock, that plus the nudity feels so natural to me that I forgot about my lack of clothing as I stood up to answer the door. I open the door to see a young, recent high school graduate, attractive female delivering pizzas for Domino's Pizza. Confused because I did not order any pizza, I said, "Sorry wrong room, I didn't order any pizza," but she was so surprised at the random sight of a nude soldier standing in front of her, that she could hardly speak. After regaining some composure she says, "I'm......looking......for........Charlie 14." Right as I was about to say, "Yeah this is Bravo 14," I noticed it was my nudity that caught her tongue. I look down and back at her somewhat acknowledging I understand her shocked state of being, but me being me, I look her straight in the eyes and ask, "Well...do you wanna come in?" At this point you are expecting that I am going to tell you how she slapped me, kicked me in the testicles, called me a pervert, ran off and reported me for sexual harassment, but no that is not what happened. She looks at me, blushes, smiles and says, "Ummm I don't get off of work for another two hours. Can I come back then?"
Of course I said "Sure!" and then gave her my phone number. I was surprised myself, but shrugged it off and went back to my computer expecting her NOT to call or come back. Two hours later though, as if by some coincidence, Marcy Playground's "Sex and Candy" starts ringing from my cell phone; she called back. I was speechless. She said she was just going to rush home, shower, and change before she came over. I told her to fuck that idea and to head straight to my room; she complied. For some reason I put on shorts, as if they were going to stay on for very long. Now this girl must have been on some long abstinent stint or just had a bad dry spell-I do not blame her for not wanting to sleep with the same old hillbilly boodro punk from around here-because when I opened the door, she stepped in, closed the door and pounced on my face with her tongue. Obviously I did not make any attempt to resist. Now I do not need to go into detail about what happened; it was simply making out, foreplay, and sex, hours of sex. Somewhere in the rest breaks between the sex I caught her name and that she recently graduated from high school. That is all I know and remember about her. One thing I really liked about her, was her complete understanding of a one night stand. At no point did we ever talk a relationship or dating, it was a night of sex and that was that.

Here is a list of people whom have involuntarily seen me naked or whom I flashed my genitals to:

Several Postal workers
Jehovah Witnesses
Mormons
New neighbors
80% of the people who went on the Eurotrip last year
Half the cross country team my sophomore year in high school
French teens sightseeing in Italy
Every French police officer I saw from our tour bus
Multiple Louisiana residents
Just about any freshmen my senior year
Anti-war hippies I saw on my way to MEPS before leaving for basic training

That is not counting the thousands of people who have had the liberty of seeing me moon them with my brown ass. That's about it, for now. I will surely flash more people.

Have an airborne day, 565 Airborne out.

Conversations With Tbelle Part II: Pissing off Luigi's Girlfriend

2008-06-29T16:02:00.000-07:00

PapagenuSasafras: hey is my cousin in the field or is he jsut really focused on his ps3
Tbelle: Umm I think hes just playing video games
Tbelle: unless he fell asleep
Tbelle: once hes out youd have to bitch slap him to wake him up i think, he doesnt hear his phone
PapagenuSasafras: he hasnt been online all day
PapagenuSasafras: and i have a proposition to get him out of work lol
Tbelle: Yeah ps3 has taken over his life
PapagenuSasafras: lol
Tbelle: hes like i have to be home at 7:10 so i can play playstation
Tbelle: is he not answering his phone?
PapagenuSasafras: no, but i only tried twice
Tbelle: He prob fell asleep cause he usually calls me by now
Tbelle: ive been replaced by a video game
PapagenuSasafras: hahahaha
Tbelle: so i think if you wanna talk to him youre gonna have to go pound on his door
PapagenuSasafras: i'll probably go over tomorrow and become enveloped in the system too
Tbelle: god you guys are such penises
PapagenuSasafras: you're sucha vagina
Tbelle: My ex used to call me a vagina
Tbelle: and a cunt
PapagenuSasafras: lol
Tbelle: obviously as a joke
PapagenuSasafras: thats still horrible though
PapagenuSasafras: i only called two girls a cunt ever in my life
Tbelle: If hed said it to me seriously i wouldve broken his neck
Tbelle: but since he was joking i thought it was really funny
Tbelle: whyd you call the girls cunts btw
PapagenuSasafras: cause they deserved it
Tbelle: I had an ex call me a scheming bitch
Tbelle: he gave me a little too much credit though since i wasnt even plotting anything against him
PapagenuSasafras: haha, get luigi to kick his ass
Tbelle: That boy is in navy bootcamp as we speak
Tbelle: So even if I wanted to I couldnt
PapagenuSasafras: what?!!? what a queer!
Tbelle: hahah thats what luigi said
Tbelle: i have 2 exes in the navy actually
PapagenuSasafras: so you've dated two flaming queers?
Tbelle: They were actually best friends hahah
Tbelle: But I dated one like 3 years after the first one so it wasnt that weird
Tbelle: Yeah they turned out to be pretty weird
PapagenuSasafras: lol
Tbelle: are navy guys really that weird
Tbelle: or are you two just being dicks
PapagenuSasafras: we're being dicks
Tbelle: ill act surprised now
PapagenuSasafras: lol
Tbelle: wait were you the one that luigi used to call when you guys were playing grand theft auto?
PapagenuSasafras: yeah it was either me or ramponi
Tbelle: I kind of think itwas you
PapagenuSasafras: or all three of us
Tbelle: and you started talking about how you had a girlfriend who was a stripper in the game
PapagenuSasafras: lol no that was ramponi
PapagenuSasafras: but i was there
Tbelle: hahah
Tbelle: nooo cause ramponi has the accent
PapagenuSasafras: i never had a stripper in the game, i always just killed people
Tbelle: Ohh well then maybe it was him
PapagenuSasafras: i had sex with a stripper once though
Tbelle: oh really
Tbelle: was she at least cute
PapagenuSasafras: yes, she gave me my first lap dance, and when i went back home on leave, she found the whole paratrooper thing really hot
Tbelle: what type of female have you not had sex with
Tbelle: lets just narrow this topic down
PapagenuSasafras: thats kinda hard. you ask, and i'll attest to
Tbelle: married?
PapagenuSasafras: no
Tbelle: black girl?
PapagenuSasafras: yes
Tbelle: asian girl?
PapagenuSasafras: yes
Tbelle: Bisexual girl?
PapagenuSasafras: yes
Tbelle: Underage girl
PapagenuSasafras: yes
Tbelle: while you were in another relationship?
PapagenuSasafras: nope and never will
Tbelle: with a friend's gf/chick they were dating
PapagenuSasafras: no not one of my friend's
Tbelle: im assuming youve done all of the hair colors then
Tbelle: a punk girl?
PapagenuSasafras: yup
Tbelle: hmmm i dont know what other types there are
Tbelle: i think youve banged everyone
Tbelle: ohh wait, someoen who didnt speak english?
PapagenuSasafras: yes; lying to my parents about wanting to see the rome nightlife alone to bang an italian chick was awesome
Tbelle: ok so your penis has been everywhere
PapagenuSasafras: not just yet
Tbelle: yes its true
Tbelle: luigi is alive
Tbelle: he just called
PapagenuSasafras: good to know lol
Tbelle: luigi says he wants to impregnate me
PapagenuSasafras: hahaha go for it
Tbelle: fuck no im 20
PapagenuSasafras: thats the first sensible thing i have heard from someone around my age say in awhile
Tbelle: hahah im a realistic person
PapagenuSasafras: too many young people around here are getting married and having kids; they need a father, as opposed to being one
Tbelle: Yeah everyones making babies
Tbelle: oh luigi says he was "in the box" when you called
PapagenuSasafras: oh ok
Tbelle: and that one of your friends saw him today and was scared cause he was all dirty
PapagenuSasafras: makes sense
Tbelle: i dont know what that means; dont wanna know
PapagenuSasafras: yeah there are a bunch of pussies in my unit that get freaked easily
Tbelle: oh and he says he needs his etool and his dildo back
PapagenuSasafras: i'll get it tomorrow and you mean your dildo, which i lent to the nasty whores around here so they would stop bugging me; you should probably bleach it
Tbelle: luigi says he has a ta50 inspection so he needs it or something
PapagenuSasafras: when's his inspection?
Tbelle: around 4:30
PapagenuSasafras: 0430, or 1630?
Tbelle: 1630
PapagenuSasafras: ok i'll call him tomorrow
Tbelle: luigi says he cant wait to hear your voice
PapagenuSasafras: the voice of reason, he can only take so much of listening to your nonsense
Tbelle: Shut up im the voice of reason not you
PapagenuSasafras: if that be true, we are all doomed
Tbelle: no people could use advice like mine
PapagenuSasafras: i'll give you credit for the reason for that girl still having sex with me eventhough i was an ass
Tbelle: im the queen of relationship advice, i know everything about it
PapagenuSasafras: you're a queen on fuckbuddy relationship advice, but the court jester at the rest
Tbelle: hahaha please
Tbelle: oh luigi wants to know if you got any "knick knack patty wack"
Tbelle: which is so embarrassing to even type out
PapagenuSasafras: hahaha not lately
Tbelle: He thinks i dont know what it means
PapagenuSasafras: i love how he's using my comical euphemisms now
Tbelle: oh so he got it from you, go figure
PapagenuSasafras: don't be jealous homie
Tbelle: When I mean ass I say ass i dont need "comical" euphemisms
PapagenuSasafras: that makes it funnier though
PapagenuSasafras: saying "sex" gets boring after awhile
PapagenuSasafras: saying "knick knack paddy whack" adds humor to getting laid
Tbelle: No thats just weird
PapagenuSasafras: to you because you're so close minded and jealous you didnt think of it first
Tbelle: I cant believe you caught onto my jealousy through IMs
Tbelle: youre sooo perceptive
PapagenuSasafras: apology accepted
Tbelle: that was no apology
PapagenuSasafras: yes i forgive your racist heart and soul of bigotry
Tbelle: Im only racist towards you
PapagenuSasafras: because i am my own race of excellence and accomplishment
PapagenuSasafras: compliment noted
Tbelle: You are incredibly delusional
Tbelle: Im gonna form a group similar to KKK
Tbelle: except itll only target you, as an individual
PapagenuSasafras: your hatred towards me reminds me of how important i am
Tbelle: i hate plenty of unimportant people
Tbelle: youre number 1
PapagenuSasafras: yeah but i'm so important you need to form an organized group
Tbelle: Because youre a menace to society
Tbelle: especially individuals who own a vagina
PapagenuSasafras: why thank you; you just love to compliment me don't you hahaha
Tbelle: Only a narcissist could twist insults into compliments like you do
PapagenuSasafras: no narcissim here, i don't love myself, i'm more megalomaniacal
Tbelle: Well im glad someones given a name for whats wrong with you
PapagenuSasafras: hahaha this conversation is going on my blog
PapagenuSasafras: anything you'd like to say to my readers before i hit the hay?
Tbelle: Actually
Tbelle: No I have nothing further to say to you
Tbelle: youve emotionally drained me
PapagenuSasafras: hahaha i feel yet even more accomplished
PapagenuSasafras: i emotionally drained you and i did not even have to sleep with you
PapagenuSasafras: i am awesome
PapagenuSasafras: goodnight
Tbelle: Night dick

Conversations With Tbelle Part I: Bean/Fry Diets and Stylish Pubes

2008-06-18T20:02:00.000-07:00

Luigi's girlfriend was replaced by the Playstation 3, so resultingly she tried to vent her anger and frustration on me through a series of instant message conversations. This is only the first half. My screen name is "Papagenusasafras" if you cannot tell by reading it.

PapagenuSasafras: i was just having the worst day
PapagenuSasafras: thankfully i went to eat some good food and was able to get my mind off of it all
Tbelle:haha did you eat away your feelings
PapagenuSasafras: pretty much
PapagenuSasafras: i eat when i'm insane
PapagenuSasafras: i eat when i'm happy
PapagenuSasafras: i eat when things are so and so
Tbelle: So basically you eat no matter how you feel
PapagenuSasafras: yup
Tbelle: well, youre a growing boy
Tbelle: im older than you
Tbelle: i get to say stuff like that
PapagenuSasafras: yeah, by like a year lol
Tbelle: A year wiser
Tbelle: it counts
PapagenuSasafras: lol
Tbelle: i hope you dont eat beans on top of french fries like luigi does
Tbelle: cause if you do you repulse me
PapagenuSasafras: haha
PapagenuSasafras : like refried beans?
Tbelle: yeah
Tbelle: i think
Tbelle: idk he said beans
PapagenuSasafras: lol
PapagenuSasafras: well i like chili beans on top of fries
Tbelle: wtf
Tbelle: repulsive
PapagenuSasafras: you're repulsive
PapagenuSasafras: and outlandish
Tbelle: hahah
Tbelle: Im not the one sitting around eating beans on top of french fries
Tbelle: thats outlandish and repulsive
Tbelle: and offensive too
PapagenuSasafras: i see it as defensive
PapagenuSasafras: your disgusted opinion is obviously a result of stemmed racism
Tbelle: Yeah my disgust with you guys eating beans and fries comes from my racism
Tbelle: i dont know what im racist towards
Tbelle: but its def racism
PapagenuSasafras: you're racist towards studly, young, brown dudes. duh!!!
PapagenuSasafras: haha
Tbelle: so wait...then how am I racist towards you?
PapagenuSasafras: i just realized i brought about that whole thing the wrong way, so now i can’t bail myself out
Tbelle: Its because youre young and naive
PapagenuSasafras: no it’s because i didn’t tread about it carefully lol
Tbelle: NAIVETE!
Tbelle: and prob the beans and fries combo doesnt help
PapagenuSasafras: well you're feigned and guile
Tbelle: putting thesaurus.com to good use?
PapagenuSasafras: no i just have a high vocabulary
PapagenuSasafras: 12 years of being a nerd in school
Tbelle: good we're kindred souls
PapagenuSasafras: lol
Tbelle: luigi is upset because he said you two had a date in his bed
PapagenuSasafras: i was gonna go play ps3, but i have to be on standby near my toilet
Tbelle: umm he wants to know hwy
Tbelle: but i dont know if i particularly want to know myself
PapagenuSasafras: well i ate at Hana's
PapagenuSasafras: the japanese restaurant
PapagenuSasafras: so i ate A LOT
PapagenuSasafras: and now my stomach is talking
Tbelle: he says hes more than willing to give you some pepto bismol
PapagenuSasafras: that shit won’t work
PapagenuSasafras: it’s gotta come out
Tbelle: he says he wants to nurse you back to health
PapagenuSasafras: whatever lol
Tbelle: with his own to hands
Tbelle: this conversation is getting weird maybe you two should just talk so that im not the middle woman
PapagenuSasafras: yeah we are
PapagenuSasafras: he's telling me about mgs4
Tbelle: is that his video game?
Tbelle: i call everything nintendo
Tbelle: luigi gets offended
PapagenuSasafras: sadhkfl;ashdf
PapagenuSasafras: YOU ARE REPULSIVE!
Tbelle: i guess you do too?
Tbelle: Shut up bean eater
PapagenuSasafras: shut up lover of bean eaters
Tbelle: im gonna lock you in a room with just a bunch of cans of beans
Tbelle: and by the time you get out
Tbelle: youll hate them
Tbelle: and ill have cured you of this disgusting obsession
PapagenuSasafras: and i'll lock you in a room with nothing but beans and fries so you have a reason to hate them
Tbelle: I already hate them
Tbelle: ill just hate them more
Tbelle: and then once you let me out of the room
Tbelle: ill make a point of throwing up on you
Papagenusasafras: i'll open the door when you are passed out
Tbelle: why the hell would i be unconscious?
Tbelle: i dont think beans and fries make me that sick
PapagenuSasafras: you have to sleep some time
Tbelle: so youll just open the door and run away
Tbelle: what a wimp
PapagenuSasafras: no, i'll piss on your hand, then tickle your face with a feather
Tbelle: hahha fuck you
PapagenuSasafras: lol
Tbelle: who the hell pisses on someones hand
PapagenuSasafras: paratroopers
Tbelle: and I dont think youd get near me with the feather i think the warm wet urine would wake me up first
PapagenuSasafras: nope
PapagenuSasafras: because your body would be in shock and disoriented from a french fry and bean diet
Tbelle: Id prob stop eating that shit after day 2
Tbelle: so you were in honors and AP classes in hs?
PapagenuSasafras: yup
Tbelle: oohh so you were one of THOSE kids
PapagenuSasafras: yup
PapagenuSasafras: but i partied hardcore, so i was THAT GUY
Tbelle: a pain in the ass probably
PapagenuSasafras: i was
Tbelle: was, are
Tbelle: same thing
PapagenuSasafras: lol
Tbelle: when do you get out of the army?
Tbelle: 2010 like luigi?
Papagenusasafras: nope
PapagenuSasafras: 2012
PapagenuSasafras: but i'll probably reenlist as an officer
Tbelle: ooohh
Tbelle: so you and my sister are talking?
PapagenuSasafras: yeah a little bit
Tbelle: I cant believe you asked her to cyber
Tbelle: thats so weird
Tbelle: thats not the way to go around getting girls to like you
Tbelle: who does that anymore anyways
PapagenuSasafras: i did not ask her to cyber
PapagenuSasafras: where did you get that idea from?
Tbelle: hahah i know i just like to say weird things
Tbelle: just to see peoples reactions
PapagenuSasafras: i tried it once
PapagenuSasafras: it was like watching a creepy porno
Tbelle: me and my best friend at the time used to go into chat rooms and get online boyfriends
Tbelle: when we were like 10 or 11
Tbelle: or 17...
PapagenuSasafras: hahaha XD
Tbelle: no we were like 11
PapagenuSasafras: sure
Tbelle: it was cool atthe time
Tbelle: everyone was doing it
Tbelle: ok by the time i was 16 i was able to get real boyfriends thank you very much
PapagenuSasafras: lol
Tbelle: when i was younger i had to wear head gear
Tbelle: not out in public
Tbelle: but i still had to wear it
Tbelle: http://itp.nyu.edu/~alo244/headgear.jpg
Tbelle: that
PapagenuSasafras: no way!
PapagenuSasafras: that thing is old school!
Tbelle: Yeah it was bullshit
Tbelle: i hated that thing
Tbelle: hahah you cock fiend luigi does not flash me his penis on webcam
PapagenuSasafras: lol
PapagenuSasafras: well he said he would someday lol
Tbelle: Well ill be seeing it soon enough i dont think ill need to see it on webcam too
Tbelle: its not like penises are all that unique looking
PapagenuSasafras: tell him to shave your initials in his pubes
Tbelle: the S would be kind of scary to make I think
PapagenuSasafras: true
PapagenuSasafras: just a big T would be easy
Tbelle: One time a few years ago I had a bf decide to make an arrow pointing down towards his penis
Tbelle: and when he pulled down his pants he was so proud of himself
PapagenuSasafras: i'm trying to see if i can do the airborne wings one day
Tbelle: They have kits for making shapes like that
Tbelle: and dyes too
Tbelle: if you wanna go crazy one of these days
PapagenuSasafras: i'm not that bored
Tbelle: although id be a little scared if i saw blue pubes
Tbelle: Ok says the one aspiring to make airborne wings on his crotch
PapagenuSasafras: thats something to be proud of though
PapagenuSasafras: thats army pride
Tbelle: some people take pride in making hearts
Tbelle: and then dying it red
Tbelle: ive seen pics of such
PapagenuSasafras: i'll make wings and dye it silver then
Tbelle: chicks will like that
Tbelle: woudl you ever consider waxing
PapagenuSasafras: never!
Tbelle: pussy
PapagenuSasafras: its not the pain
PapagenuSasafras: i just dont like how mine looks with absolutely no hair
PapagenuSasafras: i shaved it all once and it looked like a turkey
Tbelle: hahahaha
Tbelle: id be freaked out if a guy was totally bare
Tbelle: really scared actually
PapagenuSasafras: it looks so weird
Tbelle: its very porn star
Tbelle: which isnt hot
PapagenuSasafras: lol
Tbelle: are you still f-ing around w. that same girl
PapagenuSasafras: no she wants to go back and be loyal to her bf
PapagenuSasafras: haha
Tbelle: Id say the whole loyalty thing was shot to shit the first time she cheated but whatever floats her boat
PapagenuSasafras: yeah thats what i said
Tbelle: from how luigi made it sound, girls arent that hard to nail around there
PapagenuSasafras: its true
PapagenuSasafras: thats why they have so many stds
Tbelle: gross

Picture Perfect Shit

2008-06-14T13:29:00.000-07:00

For any soldier under the rank of Sergeant First Class who arrives at Fort Polk on PCS orders(Permanent Change of Station; it is to be that soldier's duty station), there is a series of briefings called the School of Standards. As the name states, it is where we spend four days and different people, some civillians and some green suiters(soldiers), tell us what to expect of Fort Polk, and of course, what Fort Polk expects of us. I actually enjoyed it, despite how boring it was, because I did not have to work, there were some young soldiers there who actively participated with ridiculously funny and outlandish statements and questions, and I was released to do whatever I want by 3 pm. As standard with other army posts, we have to receive a briefing on suicide and the usual speech: the signs of suicide, how to help and receive help, and the plain "Don't do it." The person in charge of our suicide briefing was a charismatic, humorous chaplain. What everyone liked about him was how he approached the situation. He hated the standard, boring briefing as well as the slides that accompanied it so he came up with this brilliant observation. He noted that the primal behavioral instinct inside all of us, has a secret degree of sick happiness; as humans, we are proud of our shit. By shit, he does not mean our possessions, our accomplishments, or any such nonsense to which "shit" is related by connotation. He meant our shit, that which is excrement and waste of our bodies. His observation was that we feel at least slightly happier when we take a shit, and that the better and bigger it is, the happier we feel. Of course he told us that at Fort Polk we can receive help if we are depressed and to help out others if they are depressed or showing signs of suicide, but the premise of his brieifing was that committing suicide physically hurts, and instead to pitch a huge lincoln loaf before thinking about it. I will tell you right now, to try it. Fuck antidepressants and all the pills that go with it: Lexapro, Zoloft, Paxil, Effexor, Prozac, and the MAOI's. Now if you are seriously going through depression, see a doctor about it, but if you are just having a hard time in life, drop a deuce. Now here is the relation of this theory, to me.

This past Monday, before we left for the field, my cousin Luigi came to my room, dying of boredom. Luigi has this obsession with three way calling; it is probably one of his pasttimes and often tries to get his girlfriend to have phone sex with him while he leaves me a voicemail. Of course she always refuses, because despite her aggressive and sassy behavior accompanied by her vicious diction, she does not have the intestinal fortitude to pull a little prank(she tries to be a bitch, yet cannot pull a prank; she tries to be a bitch to me, just to get me frustrated and riled up, but it just makes me like her as a person more). Of course intestinal fortitude is for the airborne, and I guess she just has my cousin wear those pants. She is probably reading this and saying, "Fuck you bitch," but all I have to say, is do not be jealous you are not airborne. Well back to the subject, my cousin thinks it would be hilarious to prank call his girlfriend's older sister, whom he still thinks I have a great shot at, but I still disagree. However, to inflate my ego, I will show you what Luigi's girlfriend and her older sister wrote to me.

Luigi's Girlfriend:
"Hahah see I told you! At least there's another female out there who will back me up and be honest for once. You and Tucker Max are proof that guys can be jackasses and still get laid...a lot. My sister does think you're hot (yeah, go ahead, let that ego inflate, I won't tell anybody) but there's that 4 year age difference and 1,000 mile separation that may put a kink in Luigi's matchmaking."

That simple statement sent some embarrassment to her older sister who then sent me this:

"I'm glad my sister decided to EXPOSE MY FEELINGS on facebook!!!"

Obviously I let my ego inflate. Why you ask? It is because not only is this older sister five years older than me, but also because she is smoking attractive. As Luigi always states, "she is like a fucking barbie." Great body, attractive face, and vibrant blond hair makes for a fiery hot girl.
So we try to prank call her, but she does not answer, multiple times(I think Luigi's girlfriend told her not to answer, damn you). Pissed off because she did not answer when two american airborne soldiers, I calmed Luigi down with another proposition, we should prank call this girl from my platoon. I figured it would be fun considering she was high on painkillers. Well of course, I thought it would be funny to fuck with her head and echo everything Luigi said; this made her absolutely trip balls. After awhile, she realized it was not the guy she thought she was talking to, but rather her fellow platoon member and his cousin playing a childish prank. We decided to go to her room and see her blushed face of embarrassment and bully her about it to kill some time. We hang out in her room for a bit shooting the shit, when I made a wonderful realization. Her roommate, whom is in my squad, is not in there, she would not return because she was out with her adulterous idiot of a boyfriend, her laptop was left out, and I had my camera in my pocket. In my camera, there is a picture of grotesque beauty. Months ago, I went through a weekend feeling too lazy to go out and eat, or to even order a pizza, so I ate some MREs(Meals Ready to Eat). Each MRE comes with the usual spoon, alcohol wipes, tissue, matches, coffee or tea packet, salt, seasoning, but what is most important is the cinnamon gum. The gum tastes like cinnamon for all but two minutes and seems to disintegrate in your mouth, but it is for good purpose; you are meant to eat the gum. The gum is a small dose of laxative meant to keep your colon from backing up and beefing up from the lack of dietary fiber. In fact, Al Franken made a joke to the troops in Iraq that he had enjoyed his fifth MRE and "none of them had an exit strategy." Needless to say, you know what happens next. Over the course of 40 hours I ate three MREs minus the gum, each containing 2200 calories, totaling 6600 calories with little to no fiber. When it came time to drop that shit, it was bad. I was clutching the toilet because it felt as if I was going to pass out from popping a vein in my forehead. After three straight minutes of holding my breath and pushing out probably two pounds of condensed mass, I had to take a look. It was so large and packed that it circled around my whole toilet; it was beautiful. I immediately remembered what the chaplain had told us, and I still remember what I was feeling when I saw my turd, total joy and complete pride. Luckily for me, for some reason I cannot remember, my camera was sitting on my humidifier in my bathroom. A Kodak moment for sure. Do no fret, in this moment of euphoria, I still remembered to wipe my ass and wash my hands.

So there I was, standing in front of my squad member's computer, SD memory card in hand, with the following idea: I was to save my prized picture of an enourmous turd as the desktop background on her computer. I minimized the media player that was open on her desktop, loaded my SD card, and saved the picture on her desktop. I then took out my SD card and reopened the media player as to make the prank even better seeing as how she would someday close all windows on her computer and suddenly see a heaping turd in front of her face. It has been almost a week and still no one knows if she knows what is on her computer.
You are probably wondering, "How magnificent could this shit be? I think I want to see it for myself." Well I have lost the picture and am extremely sad about it. To compensate though, I will make a video interview of everyone who has seen the picture to testify by their own opinion, of my beautiful log. Stay tuned for that.

Have an airborne day,
565 Airborne, out.

Me a Jody!?! No, Not Really, So It's Ok

2008-06-08T11:44:00.000-07:00

In case you did not read my last blog, which was quite a juicy story as I am told, for the past week I have been spending quite some time with a girl, or as Sergeant Trenches put it, "Translation: You fuck a lot." The truth is we have been fucking, well a lot. The relationship we have is almost the perfect situation. She would come over, usually late at night so that no one would see her, not that I was ashamed of her or she is ugly, because she is rather attractive, but so that the gossiping bitches and bastards around my barracks do not spread my business. We would talk a bit, then some kissing, then some foreplay and the sex. We would wake up early to shower and get ready so she could leave prior to any of my sergeants showing up at my room for their daily room inspections. What made this even better is that while I was in the shower, she would clean and sweep my room, make the bed, and even take out a fresh set of ACU's(advanced combat uniform; it is the fatigues soldiers wear nowadays) and put my nametapes and airborne wings on it! It was great. I was still a bit of an asshole to her, but I held it back a bit as my way of showing appreciation; fuck I even did some of her laundry when she left her clothes in my room. I was living life, Tucker Max style, until someone had to tap into my head and bring back the remorseful person I can be.

My cousin Luigi has a girlfriend, with whom he is in love and deeply infatuated with. Seeing as how family always looks out for each other, Luigi tried getting me to flirt with his girlfriend's older sister....over the internet. Now if this sister was my age, I just may have done it, but I doubt that women in their mid-twenties would really appreciate innuendos in their inbox. After just a short time of being in a relationship with her, Luigi's girlfriend hears much about me from him. This is probably due to me hanging out with my cousin quite often, or he may have told her stories of the horrible person I am, thinking they are funny tales. Needless to say, his girlfriend becomes curious of me and begins talking to me online. She is witty and clever as she is pretty. Well done Luigi; it is comforting to know my family has good taste in the people they date. Well after seeing my constant pathetic advertisement of my blog on my facebook, she becomes curious as to what I am talking about. She wants to read my stories and judge for herself whether they are worthy of the praise I give to my own writing. She does seem to enjoy them as she sends me this message:

"So I read your blogs and in some paragraphs you do sound a little on the sociopathic side but nevertheless very entertaining hahaha."

Little did I know she would be a follow up reader of my blog. Some people have read my blog, enjoyed a few stories and never looked at it again. She actually returned to my page to check out a recent post. That recent post is the one before this titled, "I Also Wonder Why Girls Have Sex With Me." After reading that story, she sent me this message:

"I just read your latest blog and thought I'd let you know that you're going to hell. ;) And FYI the reason girls still want to mess around with you even after you're an ass to them is because how badly a guy mistreats a girl is directly proportional to how much she'll like him (in most cases, there are exceptions). I don't care how many chicks try to deny it and say they like 'nice guys', it's bs."

Oh shit! This was some of the most intelligent and sociological observant words I had heard in awhile. It made so much sense too! For many years I had friends who would hook up with douchebags and blab, "No he is really a nice guy and treats me better than other guys and blah blah blah blah." Now I know, my friends were full of bullshit! Hahaha. I was in a state of epiphany and direct understanding; there was no bullshit, no euphemisms of life, just straight comprehension of the dating world which I had misinterpreted for so many years. Hey I am still young though, 19 years fucking young, and my life is trial and error anyways, so this was just some wisdom I could hold onto and validate the gray hairs I have so proudly named wisdom hairs. I was also pissed though; this realization meant I did not always have to be the nice kid all my life. I had that window to be the complete asshole I wanted to be on certain occasions, and girls would have still liked me. At this point I was thinking, "What the fuck! You were wrong dad! You set me up for failure." I did not dwell on it, I just laugh about it now. I cannot wait to have this conversation with my dad though. "Hey dad, nice guys do finish last you bastard."

Then I hit a major obstacle; I was reflecting on my life and how I have changed since I joined the army and have started following the ways of Tucker Max. I was becoming THAT guy, the one that destroys self esteem in women and is the cause for beautiful women morphing into butch lesbians with mullets that decide to join extremist feminist organizations that proudly proclaim, "Fuck the male population! I shall no longer shave my armpits or vagina, yet I will still walk around nude!!!" Fuck you lezbos, you need the penis population as much as we need the vagina community. Apart from rekindling the fiery hatred for extremist feminists, I was pondering on how the girl I was sleeping with felt about my behavior towards her. Damn. I knew I was not going to be capable of having sex with her until we cleared the air.

Two days ago, the movie "Don't Mess With The Zohan" came out in theatres. Seeing as how there is so little to do around Fort Polk besides heavy drinking, womanizing, and well, just being a dirtbag, there is always the movie theatre, the greatest escapism incarnate since the days of when my grandpa was a teenager. Well no, not THAT long ago. Sergeant Trenches, a fellow filipino buddy and I decide to spend some of our well earned money and eat at the only steakhouse in the area prior to the showing of the movie. From this point on in the evening, hilarity ensues. It starts off with this conversation I have with my girl.

Me: Hey let's go to the movies.
Her: When? What time?
Me: At six.
Her: It's five-thirty!!! That gives me half an hour to get ready! I'm not even in my room, I'm at the gym!
Me: What the fuck! Just get moving! All you need to do is shower, you don't need dress up or anything. No need to impress anyone, you're already having sex with me. You're good. I just want you to meet some of my friends. Oh and bring some of your friends, but they have to be attractive, you know for my buddies. I don't wanna be greedy and be the only guy going to dinner and the movies with a girl.
Her: Ugh!!!! How am I supposed to do that!!! I only have thirty fucking minutes!!! I don't even know your friends and you want me to hook them up with my friends?!?!
Me: Hey I don't know your stupid friends so I'm also going out on a limb here. For all I know you would be taking some fat sea cows for my friends, then I look like a douchebag.
Her: Well sometimes you are a douchebag! I don't know why I even get all dolled up for you when you're just gonna fuck me anyways!!!
Me: Well sometimes I wonder why I fuck your stupid ass! Just get ready. We'll go to dinner and you and your friends can meet us at the theatre, and if they can't go, you can at least meet Sergeant Trenches. Then we can come back to my room and maybe I'll go down on you. If you deserve it.
Her: Fine. Ass. Call me before you leave the restaurant. You'll go down anyways. Love you. :Hangs up:

She was right. I would anyways. I was in shock though. She said, "Love you" before she hung up. I was confused. Then I remembered how young girls can loosely throw those two words around. I also contemplated if she meant it. My ego inflates. I prefer the latter explanation. I refrained form telling Sergeant Trenches though. He would have made fun of me the whole night, I chose to blog about it instead and have him read it.

We get to the restaurant and more fun occurs. My filipino comrade, Vegas, speaks his mind. It is hilarious. Many people in our company despise him because of this; fuck them, they suck anyways. What is even funnier about Vegas, is that he is well built and muscular. There are few people who would dare tell him to shut up. I told Sergeant Trenches that I call "dibs" on the waittress in the purple shirt. Vegas asked what we are talking about and we told him about the game and he cracks up when we told him who we have called "dibs" on from our battalion. A very heavy set woman walks into the part of the restaurant where we are seated and Vegas immediately says, "Yeaaaah! I call dibs on that chick!" Sergeant Trenches and I laughed so hard we felt like we could not breathe. After we finished eating, we went over to the movie theatre. I forgot to call my girl. We arrived at the theatre only to be told that the 7:40 showing is sold out but there are plenty of tickets open for the 10:20 showing. Not wanting to sit around almost three hours we leave. Sergeant Trenches points out a hot lieutenant from our combat lifesaver class. I called "dibs." We decide to go to Walmart as to not waste gas driving from post to Leesville. Walking around Walmart we noticed there was an interminable number of attractive underage girls and cursed them for wearing their sun dresses. Vegas was taking the "dibs" game seriously and only called it on the most obese women he could find. We left Walmart and came back on post early. It was only 9:30.

I went to my room, logged on to my internet pages, and was about to call my girl. Then tragedy struck. Someone knocked on my door and I mistakingly opened it without checking to see who it was through my peephole. It was this crazy chick with serious mental sociopath problems that fucked almost all the males in the barracks. In fact, one guy noted this by saying, "All you have to do is say 'hi.'" I hated being around her. All she ever does is bitch and whine about how she should have a certain rank and how everyone is out to fuck her life over. Yeah, whatever fuckhead. I am only nice to her because she is the person that will bitch to your face everyday. I do not need that shit. I just kept typing away on my computer while she blabbed away and talked on the phone. Around ten thirty one of my best friends called me. I went outside to talk on the phone because I did not want that psycho bitch to taint a good conversation by butting in and bugging while I was on the phone. I went back in my room and this bitch pissed me off! She was on my computer without my permission, shopping for fucking dildos. FUCKING DILDOS!!!!! Then she starts talking about how she has one that hurts her clit. I instantly gagged and almost threw up. I sent a text to Sergeant Trenches asking if he was still awake. My plan was to text him and have him come to my room with some bullshit lie about having to go to our workplace, that way I could leave and get that fucking creep out of my room. Unfortunately for me, he had passed out already. However, a buddy from my platoon, Bullion, came to my room looking for ketchup. I do not have any but I start small chit chat with him so he stays. We were talking when that fucking creeper butts in our conversation. We got outside so he can smoke while we talk and finally that fucking bitch leaves us alone. I thanked Bullion for saving me and told him I was likely to cower in the corner of my room and cry if she was to start making sexual advances on me. Agh! How much I hate nasty whores!

Bullion retired to his room for the night and I decided to call my girl over. She came over instantly and pounced on me. She was so horny from not having sex for only two days! I found out I was still very much capable of having sex with her, knowing I mistreated her. At least I never hit her or told her she was worthless. I just talk like an asshole to her. I then told her what had happened the whole night and why I forgot to call her. Then we had this conversation.

Her: Yeah I was not going to show up to the movies alone anyways.
Me: Haha, yeah you would have looked like a loser and I would have made fun of you.
Her: Fuck you asshole! Hahaha.
Me: Hey out of the spontaneity of conversation, what is it about me that keeps you coming back? I have realized I can be a real jerk to you, I'm not that coldhearted.
Her: It's cause I like that you're an asshole. A lot of the guys around here act like such fucking pussies and I fucking hate the Geronimos. That and I'm pissed off at my boyfriend.
Me: You have a boyfriend?!?!? What the fuck!?!? I'M A JODY!!!!
Her: Yeah I do and yeah kinda, but not really. He's not in the military. He goes to school in Baltimore. So it's ok.
Me: Oh ok I guess. Wait, so your boyfriend cheated on you?
Her: I don't know, but he tried to lie to me about dating other girls while I'm stationed here so I wouldn't put it past him. I doubt he has that kinda game though. He's the kinda guy that is scared about masturbating.
Me: Hah! Loser. So your boyfriend went on a few dates with other girls, could be cheating but most likely isn't, and you felt this was enough for you to justify going out and fucking me?
Her: Yeah pretty much. Well I'm going to break up with him when I go on leave, and I'd rather tell him about you and the sex, then just breaking up. It puts the power in my hands.
Me: Good deal. So you don't ever get tired of how I treat you?
Her: Well you treat me alright. You did my laundry a few times, you don't tell the whole post we're having sex that way it stays between us, and I don't have a problem with your attitude. It's actually a bit arousing. Girls rarely go out with nice guys. We are usually likely to stay with a guy eventhough he is an asshole depending on how much we like him.

We had some intense sex after that. I was amazed by what was said. She had said the same thing Luigi's girlfriend told me. This was quite the interesting week. I can carry on with my life and go back to fucking this girl's brains out, because that is what she wants. It is a win-win situation and everybody is happy.

Have an airborne day,
565 Airborne out.

I Also Wonder Why Girls Have Sex With Me

2008-06-01T19:04:00.000-07:00

When I was a kid I wanted to be a Catholic monk; I adored the simple lifestyle and camaraderie developed between monks at a monastery. Yesterday, someone brought it up and it led me to analyze the course of my life events that led me to drop that idea. Then it made me wonder why girls have sex with me; actually I still wonder, but here is my analysis.

Ever since my first communion when I was eight years old, I wanted to be a Benedictine monk, or at least be ordained a priest. I did not really care about what order of monks I joined, but I had preferred the Benedictine Order primarily because of their remarkable Latin chants; music seemingly had set the final decision, eventhough it was music nearly no one listens to anymore. This was all set until I was 14 and was on the cross country team in high school. I was still quite a shy kid and did not attempt much to date girls. There was this senior on the team that found my shy, quiet behavior real cute so she always had me follow her around like a damn puppy. One day after one of our cross country meets, we were on the bus heading back to our school. It was quite a hot day and we had run a tough trail and most parents would pick up their teens from the meet and go stright home so everyone on the bus had their own seat and was asleep, except me and her of course. I was listening to music because at the age, I was ALWAYS listening to music. She noticed we were the only two awake so she called me to sit next to her. I turned off the music and sat next to her. She started asking me questions about how many girlfriends I have had and things of that nature. Then it got real interesting, she asked me if I was still a virgin. Yes, I was at that point, and thats what I told her. Then she asked me if I had done anything besides make out with a girl and grab her tits. Nope. Next thing I know her hand is in my shorts and she whips out my cash and prizes. First blowjob ever, on a bus with half our cross country team sleeping. Oh shit was it fucking amazing! At this point I began to contemplate my idea to become a monk considering they are not allowed to have any form of a sensual relationship.

By the end of that school year, I was 15 and had formed a small band with some friends. We played a buncha of small gigs around San Bernardino for a bunch of high school parties. We were pretty damn good so we were always welcome to hang out and drink for free after our set. There was this one gig we played out in the middle of fucking nowhere at this big house with a huge backyard that had several gazebos around the enourmous pool. After our set, I was not up to talking to the usual drunken sausagefest so I grabbed a bottle of tequila, a case of beers and went to an empty gazebo to just drink and relax. A quarter through the bottle, some random girl shows up in the gazebo and starts this conversation with me.

Girl: Hey! You're that guitar playing guy!(Definitely not an english honors student)
Me: Yeah, that's me. Duhhhh.
Girl: Haha. You were awesome! What are you doing here by yourself?
Me: Just enjoying this alcohol while not having to talk to the usual bunch of idiots. What are you doing, or rather why are you still sober? You're the only sober one here.
Girl: Well I got tired of going to parties and being hit on by the same group of guys trying to fuck me. I'm trying to find a guy who deserves my company.
(I'm so naive I do not catch on to her hints.)
Me: Yeah that sucks. You won't find a guy like that here I can guarantee you that. They all look pretty stupid.
Girl: Hahaha. You're funny. Can I drink here with you?
(I still do not catch on.)
Me: Sure. But if we run out of booze you have to be the one to get up and get some more.
Girl: Haha, ok. Fair enough.
One hour later, with most the tequila bottle and all the beer done.
Girl: Oh my god, I'm so drunk.
Me: Damn you have such a...you're a lightweight....and blah. (I was quite drunk myself and could not even finish my own sentence)
Girl: Whatever! You're so drunk you can't even pick up your guitar!
Me: What the fuck ever! I can still jam.
(I pick up the acoustic guitar and play a little of "Don't Speak" by No Doubt)
Girl: Wow. You're really good. So uuh, would you play me a special song?
Me: Yeah sure. What do you want me to play?
Girl: Anything. But lets go into a room, so it'll be, you know, really special.
(I do not get this hint. I was so stupid.)
Me: Why can't I just play it here? It's not gonna be any better in there!
Girl: Yes it will!
Me: I've played so many gigs and I know about room acoustics, no it won't!
(Jeez I was so naive and stupid.)
Girl: (Obviously frustrated) Will you please just humor me and get up and go?
Me: Ok I will. I'm only going though cause you entertained me and drank with me for the past hour. (Really I only got up because she was pretty hot and I was a sucker for any attractive chick.)

Next thing I know we're in some random room and she starts kissing me. I instantly get aroused. I was still so naively stupid I was wondering if I still had to play her a song. Next thing I know she is on her knees and I am getting fellatio, I recognized the great feeling and felt so relaxed. A drunken blur later we are both naked and lying on the bed. I was no longer that stupid and realized what was coming next

Me: Since you gave me an awesome blowjob, I gotta be honest with you. I'm still a virgin.
Girl: It's ok. Me too.
Me: Cool. It works out for the both of us.

We were both so drunk we were both horrible. We had to switch positions so many times cause we sucked at fucking. Eventually we figured out what to do and we both got off. It took awhile though because drunkenness makes me last so long. I pulled my damn calf from thrusting so much. We finally finished after 90 minutes and passed out on the bed. I no longer wanted to do anything with my life that involved abstinence.
I decided to try having sex at each of these gigs I played at. I was usually successful but I approached it all wrong, usually blatantly asking girls if they wanted "to bang." Why they did anyways is still puzzling to me.

From then on I nearly had sex at every party I went to. I avoided telling my friends because I tried to maintain the "good Catholic virgin" image. Only a handful of my friends knew I was not by my senior year, and most of them did not find out until they read my blog. I know I am definitely not one of those guys that falls under extreme attractiveness so I used my power of rhetoric to talk girls into dating or sleeping with me.

Lately though, I have been reading the stories of Tucker Max (check out his page at tuckermax.com) and decided to just sleep with girls and avoid serious relationships for awhile. I was at the gym the other day when I talked to a girl whom I had sex with the first night I was here at Ft. Polk. I did not know anything about this girl except that she was ok in bed.
She wanted to hang out, but I just wanted to have sex, so I told her to come by my room around 1 am, when everyone would be either sleeping or at the clubs and bars, thus avoiding the trouble of having a girl in my room after hours, which is against our unit policy. Fuck that policy. I even asked Sgt. Trenches when he would come by to inspect our rooms so I could boot her out before he comes by. He did not care if their was a girl in my room and instead congratulated me, but I still wanted her out of there. She surprisingly still came by and we had sex for almost three hours. It was awesome. I set my alarm for 7:30 and when it rang that morning, I told her to get dressed and leave. She complied with my orders and left! She would cease to surprise me that day.

I had plans to go to the movies with Trenches, Luigi, and some other people. So when she called me later that day and asked if we could hang out, I told her I had plans, but that she can come over my room later at night. I was feeling so tired from my workout that I missed the movie and feel asleep. When I woke up, it was 8 pm and people were right outside my hallway drinking, so I did not call her. Instead, I drank outside and was flirting with a married girl. This married girl was not attractive in uniform, but she looked damn good in her civlian clothes, and this was before I started drinking. After some tequila and coke we kept talking and she brought up the story about me spending time in a monastery when I was a kid and my prior decision to want to be a monk. She said, "You know, I heard how you wanted to be a monk and I couldn't think how someone who was as good looking as you would want to be abstinent for the rest of your life." She had inflated my ego and I no longer have self esteem issues with my looks. I explained to her how that was years ago and I no longer have the same desires, primarily due to sex. We continued to keep flirting when someone brought up that we should go to this lame club off post. I fucking hate clubs! I said I would not go, but a buddy from my platoon insisted I stop trying to be a barracks rat and go out. Then Married Girl suggested I go so I could be her arm candy. My ego was highly inflated and I decided to go. Halfway to the shitty Paradise Club I realized that Married Girl and I were flirting quite heavily. I did not want to be a jody. "What is a jody Mr. SenorNombre Airborne?" you may ask. A jody is the guy who sleeps with the girl who is married to a service member. This girl was married to a paratrooper at Ft. Bragg in North Carolina. I could not bring myself to jody a fellow airborne trooper. After all, the Airborne Creed says, "I will not fail a fellow paratrooper." Yes, I do know the Airborne Creed and quote it often. Fuck you if you cannot deal with that.

We get to the club and immediately start drinking. Married girl starts dancing around with some of the guys as I just sit and drink my beers and liquor. I hate dancing, mainly because I went to high school dances and it just did not appeal to me. Since all the chairs were taken, I leaned against this small stage with a stripper pole that was on one end of the small dance floor of this shitty club. Noticing how I was eyeing her the whole night, Married Girl comes over to me and starts grinding on me as I am leaned against the stage. It was incredible. I was pretty much getting a free lap dance. Throughout the night I find my hands are all over her body as Married Girl dances on me. I had not felt this kind of comfort with a girl for over a year; I was having a great time at a club. I was amazed. My buddy who drove us there ends up leaving us there because he promised to drive some other friends back on post, forgetting the car was full when we arrived. I told him not to worry and that I would call a cab. I was stranded with Married Girl. As we waited for the cab, Married Girl was fighting with her husband on the phone. I was getting worried; I wanted to have sex with her, bad, and I knew if in her state of angry, drunken beahvior, she had asked me to sleep with her, I would not be able to say no, and I would risk getting in trouble for sleeping with a married soldier, a serious offense in the military. Luckily, when we rode back with another buddy and we just hung out outside the barracks as she tried to cool down. After another pissed off phone call, Married Girl was tired and retreated inside to go to sleep; it was 3 in the morning after all. Our buddy said goodnight and I told her to fuck thinking about her idiot husband and get some rest. As I went back to my room, I was very horny and refused to retire the night with my hand and some porno. Then I remembered that I had not called the girl that I slept with the previous night. I called her and amazingly she was still awake, watching tv. I told her to come over, and she did! We had sex for almost two hours and she left after we showered because I told her she could not be in there while my sergeants did their daily room inspections. She gave me a kiss, said she would call or text me, and left. Why she still wants to see me is beyond me, but as long as I am having sex, I do not really care. This was just a small moment of reflection. I will probably keep having random sex until I find a girlfriend worthy enough for me to end my socially unaccepted behavior. As long as my friends keep encouraging me though, I will not change. And no, I do not want the gym girl to be my girlfriend. She is too dumb. I have standards dammit.

Have an airborne day,
565 Airborne out.

Pipster's Blanket Party, Cummins's Shower Party, Dook the Sheep Fucker, and Probably the Worst Thing I Have Ever Done

2008-05-26T17:14:00.000-07:00

July-September 2007

Just about anyone that goes through basic training or bootcamp has their prized stories. These are mine, and with a sense of confidence, I guarantee there are few people who will beat mine.

I went through basic training from early July of 2007, until early September with Alpha Company of the 3rd Battalion, 10th Infantry Division. I had three drill sergeants, one who was a combat engineer, one who was an infantryman, and one who was engineer. It seemed their differing military occupational specialties would could conflict, but it brought about a great balance in how the platoon was run and they all seemed to agree on how our punishments were to occur. After a few weeks, two our platoon members were caught fraternizing, a serious offense but without grave consequences, usually dealt with under nonjudicial punishment. There is a whole spectrum to fraternization, but for your sake let me explain the part that is relevant. In basic training, we are there for the sole purpose of training, therefore girlfriends/boyfriends and even simple flirting is strictly prohibited. Pipster and some female were not only caught flirting, but their secret love notes were discovered. The following morning Pipster was humiliated not only by our drill sergeants, but as well as our First Sergeant who read Pipster's cheesy, poorly written love notes over the intercom for the whole company to hear. From this point on, Pipster became the ultimate shitbag and our whole platoon had to suffer seemingly interminable four hour sessions of push ups, flutter kicks, power jumps, overhead arm claps, the fucking works! Our drill sergeants could not break him as he continued a path of lies, deception, and well, being a dirtbag. Suddenly, a lightbulb popped over all our heads. Remember that scene in Full Metal Jacket, when the platoon wraps soap bars in towels and beats the shit out of Private Pyle? That is what went through our heads. Our DS knew what we were planning and told us to "do whatever is necessary to motivate Pipster to stop being a piece of shit." The first night we planned to do it was foiled because Raptor woke Pipster up as we prepped. Two nights later though, it went down. The fireguard on patrol was even in on it, ready to make noise if the CQ DS was going to be doing random bunk checks. People woke each other up as they stuffed soap bars in their OD green socks. I did not want to take part in beating him, but my sadistic side wanted to watch. My buddy Wheelman, who bunked with him, jumped on the top bunk and sat on his chest while two others grabbed Pipster's feet. Suddenly those involved began pummeling Pipster's body and legs with their improvised weapons as Pipster tried to painfully mutter the words, "Please..stop...it hurts, oh god....if you....stop.......I'll pay you each........ a....hundred...dollars." Just as they were about to stop, I told Pipster, "Shut up dirtbag. With all your Article 15's, you don't have enough money to buy a dogtag chain." Thus the beating commenced for another five minutes until everyone retreated to their bunks. The following morning, a DS from another platoon noticed the bruises on his legs, and Pipster told him they were because he "fell down the stairs." When word came to our DS's, they said they would deal with the platoon; we got a two hour phone call home that weekend.

After being in basic training awhile, the guys started to act like experimenting homosexuals. In the gist of it, it was real gay. Some of these douchebags started what they called "shower parties." What they did is they went in the shower and began daily, personal hygiene, and would wait for someone to walk in and shower in the corner. Then one of them would go knock the poor guy's soap on the ground. When that guy reached down to pick it up, everyone in the shower would dance around that person, flopping their damn junk in his face. They tried to get me once, but not being a pussy, I immediately picked up my soap and threw a few punches and just laughed it off. Then came Cummins. This guy was a perfect target because he was such a fucking pussy kid. He took the corner shower and his soap was instantly knocked down. He picked it up and ran out before anyone could get him. The following two days he waited until ten minutes before lights out to shower. They caught on, and then tried to shower slowly waiting for him, but Cummins saw them in the shower waiting, so for the next two days he did not shower. Not to be outdone, these "shower party hosts" sought my help and prank expertise. I told them all to shower, and then hide in the toilet stalls and wait for my signal. Someone told Cummins that none of the guys were anywhere in the latrine so it was safe. I was shaving, with only a towel on as he went in. Instantly, I cried out, "Cummins is here to party!" Everyone came out of the stalls and from around the corner where the urinals where and rushed in the shower. They all gathered around him staring him down like sex deprived, gangbanging, prison rapists ready to devour their next prey. Out of nowhere, I see Shallenstein extend his hand and knock down his soap. Everyone starts whooping and hollering. As he bends down to pick it up, I see nothing pure terror on his face. The shower party commences and Cummins cannot stand up because everyone is swinging their fucking penises at him. He threatens to punch everyone of them in the groin, but this only provokes the worst; the guys take it too far and slap their penises against his head and forehead. I clearly remember Shallenstein proudly stating-as he did it-that he was slapping him across the face with his penis. This is definitely the kid's WORST life experience ever. I do not think IEDs can erase this scar from his life. This kid was a piece of useless shit, another waste of American taxdollars, so of course I just laugh about the incident. I do feel bad though. Sometimes. No, not really.

There was one night where all the males where hanging out in my room just bullshitting. There were several different conversations going and I was quite bored so I started my own conversation. I began speaking in a morose tone about life changing experiences. A few guys joined in this sorrowful, emotional conversation. I then reached the climax of how I had asked the help of Tom Robinson who then had raped me. All I was doing was describing events from To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee, a little trick my friend Erica pulled on me to test my knowledge of literature and I wanted to test the idiots on my platoon. My buddies nearly instantly figured it and merely nodded their heads to let me know they caught my trick. However, Private Dook did not get it; he was fat and ugly as he was illiterate. I did not bother telling him because Dook was a lazy, worthless, fatbody and I knew it would only confuse him anyways. This proved to my advantage because while we were out training on land navigation he spilled these beans to me. We were on break and I was chilling with my buddy Wheelman just talking about some bullshit when Dook approached us and started this conversation.

Dook: Hey, can I talk to you and Wheelman?
Me: What's up?
Dook: Well it's kinda personal, can I trust you guys?
Wheelman: Yeah dude.
Dook: Well you know I was thinking, it was not fair how you opened up to us and the guys just kinda laughed.
*This guy obviously did not know why they were laughing*
Me: Yeah, so?
Dook: Well I just wanted to let you know I have my share of sexual humiliation and I know where you are coming from.
(Both me and Wheelman have the most puzzled look on our faces)
Wheelman: Ok???
Dook: Well, when I was a junior, me and some friends went out to one of the barns to drink the night away. We started playing dare games while drunk. It was horrible. We even made two of the guys kiss.
(At this point I was thinking, "Oh shit! Not only is Dook some fucking hillbilly mook from Illinois, he was a borderline gay mook!" It gets better.)
Dook: Then came my turn. The guys dared me to fuck a sheep. A male sheep.
Me: No! You didn't!
Dook: Well I had no choice. (Disgusted look on his face)
Me: What the fuck?!?! What do you mean you had no choice!
Dook: Dude, it just happened. Please don't tell anyone.

At this point Dook left and Wheelman and I were awestruck. Dook was a dirty sheepfucker. Of course at this point, we had to tell people. The first person we told was Rivera who instantly started cracking up. Then we told Heckleman, because we knew he would spread word. When we got back to the barracks all the males in our platoon knew and Dook had to endure the jokes. Henkleman broke the silence by running into our humping his pillow while making sheep sounds. Within a few days, all the females also knew. The following day, our drill sergeants overheard us. Now the whole platoon knew! For his sake we kept this secret within the platoon so Dook would not suffer at the hands of the entire company. However, the jokes have continued on today. Dook went on to advanced individual training to be an intelligence analyst; now you know why military intelligence is fucked up, they let any damn idiot work in that MOS. This training takes place in Arizona, and at least 90% of my basic training company went. While I was in AIT in Missouri, I get a phone call from buddy Hearst who was at Arizona.

Hearst: Hey dude, how you been?
Me: Been alright. You know just getting ready to finish this lame training.
Hearst: That's good. Dude, I was just calling to clarify something.
Me: Sure, what's up?
Hearst: Well Dook is telling everyone here that the both of you faked the sheep story just to entertain everyone.
Me: No way! Dook is indeed a dirty sheepfucker.
Hearst: Thanks man. That's all we needed to know. Later dude.
Me: No problem. Later.

To this day, there are at least 100 hundred people that know, Dook is a fat, nasty douche that fucked a male sheep.

Early in basic, we added a soldier to our platoon, Dale. This guy pissed us all off throughout training. He thought he was better than the rest of just because his dad was a retired sergeant first class who used to be an airborne ranger, and a drill sergeant at ranger school. What the fuck ever! He was one of the worst soldiers ever, a real dirtbag. For seven weeks we had to suffer with his nonsense and sense of superiority above us. I had failed. I was going to let this guy win. He was going to beat me because I could not make him realize his inferiority to me. However, Ghetto was not going to let him win. He knocked me into my senses. The last week of basic, all we did was clean all the gear we were issued so it can be turned in. Throughout basic we always carried a canteen on us so we could drink water and avoid being heat casualties, but during this last week we were awarded Gatorade for completing training, but we were also to use the Gatorade bottles as our canteens. The night before Family Day, which was the day we got to spend with our families prior to our graduation, Ghetto wakes me up in the middle of the night.

Me: What the fuck is up with you dude!
Ghetto: Ssssh! Shut the fuck up. Get out of bed. We are gonna pull the greatest basic training prank ever, on Ball and Dale.
(I get out of bed and we talk in the latrine)
Me: What's your plan?
Ghetto: Ball and Dale always leave their water bottles on top of their lockers. Dude, I am gonna jerk off into Ball's water bottle, and you're gonna do it into Dale's.
Me: Dude, what the fuck! You are sick.
Ghetto: Fine, let Dale be superior, but I'm gonna make sure Ball gets what he deserves.
Me: Ok, I'm down.

We snuck back into the room an lo and behold there were their bottles, on top of their lockers just as Ghetto said. We take their bottles into the latrine and each take a stall. I had to concentrate for this one, and really get my mind off what I was doing. Ghetto finished nearly instantly, but it took me twenty minutes. While I was still in there, Ghetto was slowly adding water to the bottle to make it less inconspicuous. When I was done, he instructed me to do the same. We were still able to see semen floating on top. I was going to vomit at my own sick prank. We placed the bottles back as found them and went back to bed. That morning, we woke up, went to breakfast chow, and went back to the barracks to put on our class A dress uniforms for family day. While Ball and Dale were in the latrine putting on their uniforms, I checked their bottles; semen was still afloat. By then Ghetto and I had told Caraballo, Vaeva, and Heckleman what we had done. As we wait in our rooms anxious to leave for the ceremony so we can see our families, our DS goes down our halls yelling, "Drink all the water in your bottles and throw them away! Don't let me catch you just dump the water! You'll fucking pass out in this heat with your uniforms on!" Upon hearing this, Heckleman walks in our room, and we all watch in awe and disgust, as Ball and Dale drank ALL the water in their bottles. There was nothing left inside. Dale drank my semen.

I think this act has reserved me a seat in Hell. Fuck it, I'll see other people there. To add to it, the story had spread like a California wildfire at the training post in Arizona. I would not doubt if Dale knows what he drank and is trying to plan revenge against me. He can try, but he will not succeed, because I am airborne and he is not. He will just have to take it to his cumchugging grave. I am not proud of this prank, but I do find it pretty funny, and I do share it every now and then. Now you, my readers know it too.

Have an airborne day.

Problematic Roommates

2008-05-25T22:56:00.000-07:00

Ever since I was nine years old, it seemed I had a roommate. At first it was my little sister and despite her having her own room, she always wanted to sleep in the top bunk in my room because like any other normal little kid, the dark terrified her. By the time she started sleeping in her own room, my little brother was too old for the crib and thus began sleeping in my room. Actually it then became OUR room, but I did not mind. That is until he started talking in his sleep. Random laughter or clear, coherent talking in the middle of the night absolutely freaked the shit out of me. Then after a few years my little brother started randomly sleeping in the living room, almost alternating the days he slept in our room. Hearing laughter in the middle of the night from the living room was even freakier! It seemed from then on I would have a problem with whomever roomed with me.

In basic training my room was so large that it fit twelve bunks, twelve wall lockers and still had plenty of space. There was no way that we twelve of us would live in peace for nine weeks. My buddy Ghetto always had the fan point at him only, Caraballo would make sure we felt more homesick by reminding us what was on the Taco Bell menu, Cummins always just plain bitched like the fucking spoiled little white boy he was, Denis complained about everything, my bunk mate Vaeva violently twitched in his sleep, Yandew sang Backstreet Boys for an hour thus we all lost an hour sleep at least, Cook was just a fat, nasty Gomer Pyle piece of shit, Raptor also just bitched, Kwak was nearly as nasty as Cook, Dale was annoying in every manner possible, and Ball, well everyone just hated Ball. Somehow we managed; this occured though through a few of us picking on everone else in the room, because everyone else just plain sucked. It was Ghetto, Caraballo, Vaeva, Yandew and I making everyone else in the room feel like crap. In advanced individual training it was no better. I shared a tiny room with my good friend Shallenstein and with this guy DeLaSuerte. DeLaSuerte was an alcoholic and loved to fucking fart all damn night, in a room we could not open the windows. Shallenstein was hilarious though, constantly keeping everyone up for at least ninety minutes screaming like a college girl faking an orgasm, "OH MY WET PUSSY!!!!" Then to piss everyone down our hall even more-our rooms had no doors-he would single out specific people. "OH EVANS! YOU LIKE MY WET PUSSY! RUB MY TITTIES! ALBRIGHT! YOU LIKE MY PUSSY??? WELL YOU CAN'T HAVE ANY BECAUSE YOU SUCK DICK! TEEHEE!" Needless to say Albright hated us and Evans since then has informed me that he still has problems having sex. He just keeps hearing Shallenstein in his head scream those obscenities. Shallenstein had cock blocked Evans for life.

When I arrived to my unit, 51st Chemical Company, the unit supply specialist tried to assign me my own room, but there was no luck. Little did I know, I was to be roomed with one of the unit's biggest shitbags whom I will call Weird. When I told everyone in my platoon whom I was assigned to room with, I always got the same response, "Oh shit. That sucks for you man, sorry." I was pissed off. Who was this shitbag? At first, everything worked out well. He let me use his TV and DVD player, though his movie selection sucked and he was too poor to get cable, and he let me eat some of his food. Of course, I did not abuse the welcome generosity. The following weekend is when I knew my roommate would be trouble. He left with one of his hillbilly girlfriends friday night and did not return the whole weekend. Then Monday and Tuesday passed and he was still not back. His team leader, squad leader, and platoon sergeant were all asking me if I knew where he might be. I did not even know the fucking guy! I barely lived there! He finally showed up though with the dumbest excuse ever; I am still surprised he was not reprimanded and demoted. Over the months I would see him slowly drift into what I thought would be complete filth. Not only that, he was a complete bastard as well. He always ate my food, drank my beverages, used my toilet paper, and RARELY ever pitched in, that motherfucker. Also, people randomly came to my room looking for him and his prescription drugs. Not only was Weird a filthy fuckhead and a cheap asshole, he was also a drug peddler. His platoon leadership tried to crack his ass about his nasty lifestyle, so I figured it was time to get MY platoon leadership involved. This was probably the only thing my first platoon sergeant did for me, but it was a big thing; he stood up and bugged our First Sergeant about assigning everyone rooms according to platoon, thus I would not have to deal with Weird anymore. However, miracle struck. A few days beforehand, I am told that my roommate is arrested by Criminal Investigation Department for statuatory rape. Soon after he goes AWOL(Absent Without Leave; he just left without permission) and when it comes time for everyone to change rooms, I do not have to move because I have to help inventory all of Weird's nasty, filthy belongings-a common procedure when soldiers go AWOL. He comes back a few days later pissed that all his stuff was locked up by supply; well fuck you for leaving, that is what happens when you are a piece of shit. I went a few good weeks with no roommate; I was finally able to airdry after taking a shower. Then tragedy hit.

My platoon sergeant, the very one who had done me a favor, was about to screw me over. I was called into his office to discuss an "important matter." My buddy Ski and my buddy Stretch were roommates, but they were not buddies. In fact they hated each other with a passion. This was obviously visible in how they said "good morning" to each other.

Ski: Hey beatnik, how about you do some fucking work for once you no good piece of shit hippie!
Stretch: Hey fuck you! You fucking guinea wop pollack!

Yeah, they were not the best of friends. Well their daily fighting only worsened when one day, days after moving into a new room, they fought over the placement of a damn hammock, a fucking hammock. Ski had been complaining to our platoon leadership that Stretch was nasty, but I did not believe him. At this point, my platoon sergeant thought it would be a great idea to move him into my room, hoping that I would influence him to be a better soldier. It worked for no more than one week at which that point, the idea was much like communism, great in theory but fails when the human factor is applied. For that first week I made Stretch do his laundry, help clean the room, and made him work out with me after work. Then he let his life go to shit again(prior to my arrival at Fort Polk, Stretch was demoted for getting a DUI). He avoided me so I could not make him work out or keep his side of the room clean and made sure he made it back to the room in time to change and leave before I could catch him. I wanted to beat some sense into him, but my friendship with him got in the way. I was slowly watching him waste his life away to a severe case of alcoholism. He would sometimes not eat or buy food, so he would have more money to drink. I tried to confront him in concerned manner, but he merely shrugged it off as if there was no problem. Well fuck him! And fucked he was. His squad leader tried to help him out, but nothing worked. Around this time our platoon was assigned a new platoon sergeant, and I was just about tired of Stretch's filth; he had not done any laundry for two weeks and my room was smelling horrible. I was about to go to Utah on a Temporary Duty Assignment(TDY) so I decided not to start trouble until I returned. As I return from Utah, it seems Stretch did indeed fuck himself over. While I was gone, Stretch pissed hot(failed a urinalysis), was drunk on duty, caught driving his car while his license was suspended, was under investigation by CID for drug trafficking, and ultimately went AWOL. I arrived form Utah on a Friday and did not see him all weekend. No one seemed to know where he was. I began to worry and sympathize for him, until that Tuesday I had to once again help inventory an AWOL soldier's possessions; Stretch was even filthier than Weird. I fucking hated him at this point. I have decided that from now on, any future roommates must do their laundry on a daily basis, so I will not have a problem with the inventory if they choose to go AWOL.
Stretch is still AWOL.
Ever since he was officially AWOL, I have had the pleasure of being able to airdry after each shower. Also, I have been dancing to the tunes of KC & The Sunshine Band. Naked. Every night.

Have an airborne day.

Cliche High School Eurotrip

2008-05-21T19:42:00.000-07:00

Note*

Upon proofing this post I realize it is random. That is a result of not being able to remember much of what happened. Thanks be to alcohol, right?

April 2007

There are plenty of stories about American teens being drunk in Europe. Hell, there is even a raunchy movie about graduating seniors going wild in Europe. The problem with most stories, is that they are only entertaining to their friends or family, but when a random person is told, that person does not get the same entertainment out of it. Why do my drunk tales entertain just about anyone? It is because of my erratic behavior. You do not even need to know the other people involved; it is purely what happened that entertained you. A friend of mine who reads my blog, suggested I write about my adventures in Europe. I have been to Europe many times, and thus have been really hammered just about each time I went. I decided that nothing would beat my stories of when, instead of going on vacation with my family as our annual tradition, I went on a high school trip to Italy and France my senior year.

By the time we went, which was during our spring break in late March, early April, I was a full blown alcoholic. Now, I did not drink every night. I was more of a party alcoholic. The weekends to me were all about drinking. My friends would take me to parties and they would all go get a beer, maybe take a shot or two and start dancing or go and talk to people; I arrive and my some telepathic properties instantly find the alcohol cache and I start my night with a good four shot train, all by myself. Soon after, I chug a beer. Then, I take one more shot, and take a beer and start talking to people. Unlike other people, I did not really go to parties looking to hook up, seeing as how I was foolish enough to try to remain faithful to a girl who was too ashamed of me to kiss me in front of her parents and family, but I do not give a shit, that story is not worth the blog. I went to parties and tried to start drinking competitions. I was beaten plenty of times, but there was a point where it seemed I was invincible, even at the risk of blacking out and not being able to remember trying to kick in every door in the house.

By the time it came to depart for Europe I was well prepared and very anxious. Probably not as bad as this one guy who was puking vodka in one of the plane's lavatories before we even finished boarding, fucking amateur. Our first destination was Rome, but we had to stop in Paris's Charles de Gaulle Airport to transfer flights. Before we even find our terminal, I find the bar. I knew it was going to be expensive considering we were inside the airport, so I only had four shots. I was feeling warm and cozy for the next flight and slept quite well. I wake up midflight and see my friends have beers, free by the way of flirting with a male flight attendant, so I go and pound both their beers, go back to my seat, and continue sleeping. The first night in Rome was liquor free, but this gave us the chance to buy some booze while sightseeing the next day. Now I have heard stories about the infamous Absinthe and its hallucinogenic properties. Now the only reason it ever made people hallucinate was because their absinthe had cocaine in it; mine was drug-free but it rocked my world nonetheless. The only liquor that comes close to the strength of absinthe is Everclear. They usually come in different degrees depending on the brand, so of course I had to buy the strongest one I could find. I do no remember the proof, but I do remember it being 96% alcohol. I bought two bottles.

We buy some beer and some other liquors prior to heading back to our hotel. Once we get back, we chow down our dinner and head up to my room. For some reason it was designated the "place to be." I guess I had a party guy image since people were spreading rumors that my room was the most likely place to get cigarrettes or booze. I get a knock on my door and it is two girls looking for some cigarettes and were told to go to my room. This is how I first met my friend Grace, standing in my doorway half naked and somewhat inebriated. I had not even taken my first shot of absinthe yet. Now what was completely oblivious to me was the "proper way to drink absinthe" which is putting ice cubes in a cup, pouring sugar over the ice, pouring half a cup of absinthe, and then diluting it with water. My friends were on the right track, they went a quarter of absinthe, and the rest was Sprite. I was not so smart. I did not really like mixing drinks, so like an idiot, I wanted straight shots of it. That first shot almost made me jump out my window, it burned so damn much. My friend Matt also took a straight shot with me and was feeling the same. Two beers later, I was ready for another shot. This was even worse and the result was me cursing out my window down at the courtyard for two straight minutes without taking a breath of air. Some shots of scotch whiskey and three beers made me prep for a third shot. Same result as shot number two. By the fourth shot I was so drunk and the straight absinthe was so horrible that I was drinking beer to cool the fire in my throat. Two more shots within an hour and I was gone. By then the absinthe was gone, there was no beer, not even the gay fruity beer someone bought, and I was so drunk I wanted to drink more. So I proceed to walk around the hotel looking for booze and pretty much clearing out the bar in the hotel. I do not really remember much of what had happened when I left my room but supposedly I went to two other rooms and had shots, I yelled at a bunch of french students in the patio, I mooned my brown ass to a handful of people, and flashed my penis to an unlucky handful. Also this conversation occured.

Me: I think I scared subuncha stupid ferrnch kids in the hall.
Matt: What happened?
Me: I was just walking down the fucking hall to go to the bar and some littlerr rat bastards started talking shit and called me an asshole. So i flipped them off, told them to fuck off or suck my dick and glared at them.
Jesus: I just saw it happen; all they said was "bonjour."
Me: HOW THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!!!!
(Everyone in the room just laughs, except me)

I do know what "bonjour" translates to.

The following morning I woke up naked lying on top my bedsheets. The alarm starts blaring and my roommates are pissed when they realize the first thing they see that hungover morning is my naked still drunk body. Instead of trying to cover up my nudity I merely stand up, walk to the bathroom, and take a piss with the door open. My friends were pissed, but I do not blame them. I think what makes me so proud of that night is that I did not puke. Unlike the following night in which I drank 13 Irish Car Bombs, nine beers, and eight other cocktails over the course of two and a half hours. I do not even remember the vomit, but the next morning my new friend Grace tells me that I'm a horrible bastard. I guess I puked on a doorway she happened to put her hand on when stumbling back to her room. I still feel a bit bad about that, but I always burst out laughing when I think about it.

Have an airborne day.

DJizzle, the Dugway Proving Gangstas, and JT aka Ms. Tiny Blond Bitch

2008-05-20T17:58:00.000-07:00

Sometime in April of 2008, Sgt Trenches was commissioned to put together a small team to do some testing at Dugway Proving Ground in Utah in early May. I was picked to go because of the hard work and long days I have put in when others just quit or ditched work like the rat bastard sons of bitches they are. Yes, I do work hard. The team turned out to be a staff sergeant, Sergeant Trenches, one of my buddies, and myself. The work we did there is not all that interesting for story, but rather what we did with our free time.

After months of working for 51st Chemical Company, working at Utah was almost paid vacation to us. The staff sergeant and my buddy pretty much did their own thing. Sgt. Trenches and I just about hung out all the time especially since our rooms were adjoined through a small living room we shared. One day Sgt. Trenches buys the movie "Juno" from the shoppette so of course I watch it too as it is one of my favorite movies. Anyone who has seen the movie knows that the movie is filled with little quips and sayings characteristic unto itself. Things like "fo shizz" and "home skillet" make the movie distinguishable. Of course this provokes me to change my vernacular to this sort of vocabulary, and when I open a Sobe drink and under the bottle cap it says "gangster talk right?" I am inclined to keep it going. It is much harder than you think.
I figured the best place to practice my new diction was at the Community Club which is where we ate our meals when we were not on testing grounds at Dugway. Instead of ordering potatoes, I ordered "p-o-tatoes" or French fries would be "p-o-tatoes all frizzied up." The word yes would instantly be replaced with "fo shizz."

It was one day that we met this kid working there named Garrett. He reminded us instantly of Specialist Dunham, someone whom we work with. From then on we referred to him as Dunham Jr, or DJ. Since that day all we could order for dinner was pizza and fried food, pizza and fried food is what we got. When Sgt. Trenches orders his pizza, DJ asks what his name is, and me being the prankster I tell DJ his name is Trenches, not even giving him time to tell him his real name, despite the fact that DJ could probably read the nametape on his uniform. Naturally, DJ gets curious as to why he is nicknamed "Trenches." That is another story that I will save for a rainy day. Since we had to wait for our fried food anyway, I tell DJ and some of his coworkers the story of the nickname and they find this dirty story funny. All except this tiny blond girl, whom I had hoped would not hear the story anyway as it is definitely a story usually shared between close friends or males only. When we finally get our fried food, the tiny blond girl hands it over with such an attitude and a look that screamed "I hate you" that it made me want to sleep with her just because she was such a bitch. We took our food and gave a "peace out home skillet" to our newfound friends DJ and his coworkers, whom at that point, in conformity with my recent change in vocabulary, I call DJizzle and the Dugway Proving Gangstas.

Dugway Proving Ground works on a four day work week, which means the Community Club is closed Friday thru Sunday and we are left to our own accord to get food. We relied on eating various sandwiches or frozen foods from the shoppette/gas station. That Sunday happened to be my birthday and with nothing else to do, I take a walk to the shoppette to purchase frozen food and various junk foods for me to gorge on the whole day. As I walk in towards the back, who do I see there but none other than Ms. Tiny Blond Bitch. Anyone who knows me will know how much effort it took me not to start trouble at that moment, seeing as how I was cursed with a fiery tongue of talking smack and raising hell. She unknowingly started trouble.

Blond Bitch: Buying food are you?
Me: Yeah, I’m buying food not served with a damn attitude!
(Blond Bitch has a shocked look on her face)
Me: Let me ask you a question, is your attitude towards us a result of being intimidated by our military uniforms, or is it our good looks, not that you could handle a paratrooper anyways? You ought to head back with your little boyfriend now don’t you think?
(Blond Bitch’s jaw drops and she is speachless as I leave to pay my items feeling victorious but also scared that she may the Post Sergeant Major’s daughter)

Ok, so maybe she did not want to start trouble and I just went overboard. She got me back though the next day. Sgt. Trenches and I go to the Community Club for dinner only to find that our friends DJizzle and the DPG are not working that night. I order the dinner special and Sgt. Trenches orders fried food. The lasagna dinner is not ready so we both have to wait and just sit down and watch tv. After some time Ms. Tiny Blond Bitch comes over to bring Sgt. Trenches his food and not only does she smile and politely say "Here is your food Sergeant," but she even curtsied! Who the fuck curtsies?!?! I had already told Sgt. Trenches what happened at the shoppette so he just laughed when she returned to the kitchen. Some more time passes and I still do not have my food. Some British soldiers come in and get their food, lasagna! I was wondering, "What the fuck! Where is my damn food, I got the same fucking thing those guys did!" I go up to the counter to ask for my damn food. The cook who took my order asks, "No one brought your food?" I replied, "Nope, definitely not." The cook apologizes and even gives me extra food, but as I turned I made eye contact with Ms. Tiny Blond Bitch who just nods her head assuring me that it was because of her I did not get my food. That little bitch made me want to sleep with her more; her attitude towards me was arousing. As we are eating, Sgt. Trenches states that it is not that she hates me, "she just wants a piece of the Trenches." Any other person would have realized it was just a joke, but I was stuck on "get-Sgt. Trenches-laid" mode, so I took this to be a rational reason for her attitude. The only way I would know is to confirm this with DJizzle or the DPG.

Unfortunately, DJizzle nor any member of DPG was working the next day. I still ordered p-o-tatoes nonetheless. Not even Ms. Tiny Blond Bitch was working, but she was still there and still giving me attitude. She walks by us as we are talking to a civilian whom we were working with and flashes Sgt. Trenches a flirty smile then passes me and gives me the "I-fucking-hate-your-soul-and-existence" look. Fuck her anyways.

The next day we are in luck and at dinner time, DJizzle and the DPG are working and Ms. Tiny Blond Bitch is nowhere to be seen; it is the perfect moment to confirm she wants a piece of Sgt. Trenches. DJizzle instantly recognizes us as we walked in.

Me: DJizzle! What up gangsta!!!
DJ: Oh no! Not Sgt. Trenches and Mr. Airborne! What’s up guys?
Me: Yo DJizzle, we got an important question for you.
DJ: Oh no. Is this a serious question?
Me: Yeah homeskie! But we’ll talk about it when you aren’t busy.

By the time Sgt. Trenches and I finish dinner the Community Club is pretty much empty, but its nowhere near closing time, which means DJizzle and the DPG are not doing anything important. It was finally time to set things straight. The conversation was pretty much between DJizzle and I, but I have to omit part of the conversation when Sgt. Trenches joins in. That part stays between the parties involved.

DJ: So Mr. Airborne, what is your question?
Me: Alright I’m only asking this to clear the air and it is not because he wants to date her or anything, but you know that little blond chick that works with y’all?
DJ: Yeah, JT. Wait do you wanna bang JT?
Me: No! Well yeah I would, but that’s not important! Does JT want a piece of the Trenches?
DJ: Trenches wants to have sex with JT? That would make him like number five for her just this year.
Me: No, well he might I don’t know for sure. What?! Already? Damn I guess she gets around doesn’t she.
DJ: Yeah she does. Me and him(points to DPG buddy next to him) are trying to see who gets at her first.
Me: That’s awesome! Don’t forget to wrap your scrumpdiddlyumptious so you don’t get any diseases or shit.
DJ: You wanna us to hook you guys up with some of our classmates; you could just bang them on one of the big lawns or up against a tree!
Me: Hahaha! On the lawn??? Our hotel rooms are just right there! And it would probably be better if a 19 year old and a 25 year old did NOT sleep with a bunch of underage girls.

After talking about some other unimportant things, I told DJizzle and the DPG some hilarious stories from airborne school(I’ll post them in the future). They were laughing at the asshole thing I did when I made some douchebag kid think he was going to die because I told him his parachute would not open. Sgt. Trenches and I left after some story time, it was geting late anyways. It was at this point that we wished we could bring DJizzle and the DPG back to Louisiana with us. I felt so much more pride in my story about the asshole thing I did in airborne school at dinner the next day.

DPG Kid 1: Dude! That’s him! He’s the guy that told us the airborne story about making that kid think he was gonna die!
DPG Kid 2: Yeah! Your story is spreading around our school like wildfire! I was telling my friend while he was eating at Subway, and when I got to the best part, it made him start choking on his food and then he totally puked!!!! You’re awesome!
Me: Hahaha! I rule. I’m gonna miss you DP Gangstas, haha. Well we gotta go. Peace out home skillets!

DJizzle, the Dugway Proving Gangstas, and JT made what was supposed to be just another job, a memorable experience. We met some cool teens, Sgt. Trenches felt a little more confident in himself knowing a little whore wanted him, and my story made some kid vomit. I really loved my life at that point.

Have an airborne day.

Airborne School Tales Part 1: Destroyer of Souls

2008-05-18T11:37:00.000-07:00

December 2007

I was ebullient with joy when I was informed in late November of last year, I would be attending the US Army Airborne school. I was to be fulfilling my own prophecy that I would be a paratrooper (I had worn my Airborne tshirt once a week during my senior year in high school; as if I was not already a huge nerd and dork). There were two reasons at that point that made my recent orders to Fort Benning even better. For one, I would be attending jump school at the same time as my buddy Wheelman(not his real name). I was already disappointed that my friend from training Michael Williams would not be going with me because he had to stay and get his inoculations as Standard Operating Procedure prior to being stationed in Korea. Wheelman and I both went to basic training together and have plenty of stories mainly the shower parties, beating the shit out of a piece of shit, and the guy who admitted to fucking a sheep(foreshadowing future blog posts). I was stoked, it had been nine weeks and we had plenty to catch up on. The second reason I was outlandishly happy for someone who is only a private in the Army was that it meant I would have earned my airborne wings prior to going home on leave. If I did not have that seat, my Advanced Individual Training drill sergeants would have forced me to go home for Christmas and return and wait even longer for a seat. That was not the case for me, I was to go home on Hometown Recruiting orders, with my wings. I was to flaunt my new airborne status too, what kind of cocky asshole would I be if I did not? Not an airborne asshole that is for sure. I went home and made sure everyone saw the wings. Not only did I enlist in a time of war and mass deployments for extended periods of time, I completed all initial entry training and became a paratrooper; this was my way of saying a big "FUCK YOU! I am the biggest badass you will ever know!" to all the cocky assholes I went to school with. The taste was so sweet.

I left Fort Leonard Wood, Missouri with a handful of others, not just the guys I graduated AIT with. Our bus had newly trained specialists in chemical operations, engineers, and military police. I am a chemical guy and Wheelman is an engineer. The other chemical guys that left with me were Stratton(have not heard from him since jump school), Staple(an expert marksman who deployed with probably the shittiest marksmen I have ever heard of, to do convoy security; God please protect him), Davis(a straight up fucking ignorant redneck douchebag from Kansas), Smith(a quiet guy who laughed at everything I said), Boyd(one of the biggest lying pieces of shit I have ever met), and Thomas(a big pussy who never fucked with me because he knew that despite being bigger than me, I would not hesitate to snap his neck; I had the bigger cock). I was going to enjoy jump school; I had some good buddies with me, and I had some people whose very existence was to be those that I would talk to, and about, as if they were much inferior in comparison to me. Well, they actually were inferior.

While inprocessing, I got lucky. Wheelman and I were in the same platoon and the same stick(squad as it is called at jump school). Smith and Stratton were in the same stick together, but still in our platoon. I was still unlucky though too; fate would not let anything be perfect for me. Davis, Boyd, and Thomas were also in my platoon in different sticks and Staple was nowhere to be seen; Staple did not pay attention and landed himself in the platoon in which none of his buddies were in. He was an outgoing guy and did not have trouble making friends so I did not really care. Throughout training I reveled in telling Smith and Stratton my multitude of stories of all the girls I hooked up with or slept with and how each one usually ended in some humorous way such as waking up and not even knowing what city I was in, or how all my friends thought I was a virgin. In fact I bet plenty of my friends still think I am a virgin. I was never really that proud of being a slut, despite many of my friends would have high-fived me. I guess maybe it is because I was teaching catechism at my church and I would probably be the biggest hypocrite ever, preaching what I could not practice myself. I bet many of my friends are probably reading this and thinking, "He's not a virgin?!?! That son of a bitch always made me feel guilty about having sex telling me I 'should resist even the greatest temptations.'" Are not I just wonderful?
I did my best to avoid Davis and Boyd, but when I saw them, in acts of complete asshole behavior, I talked to them as if they were nothing. "Davis, you aren't funny or cool. You are an inbred redneck whose ignorance and stupidity is beyond what is displayed in the movies when actors satirize the lifestyle you came from. Oh wait, I'm sorry. That was far beyond your vocabulary, let me simplify. I AM MAKIN' FUNNA YEEEEW!"

It was just as much fun talking to Boyd, or rather attempting to destroy his soul. Boyd was convinced after airborne school he would go and become a ranger, and then eventually make it to being a special forces operative, a badass commando for those nonmilitary readers who do not know much about the military. This was a perfect opportunity for me to rip on him because I knew he would not even make it as being a ranger since he has a real hard time cooperating with others and I am still certain to this day he will never earn the green beret as a special forces soldier, because it takes some intelligence to even be accepted in to the Special Forces Assessment and Selection. That is not even training, that is just the assessment of whether or not one is smart and strong enough to go through training, and I knew he would not even be accepted. How do I know? Boyd is plain and simple, fucking stupid. He is not mentally retarded, he is just stupid and illiterate. His commander would look at his DA 4187 Personnel Action paperwork requesting to go to SFAS, initial the denied box, sign it, put a big red stamp that says "FUCK YOU DUMMY" on it, and return it to him. I made sure to let him know that he was too dumb to be special forces. He would also brag about the many times he has cheated on his fiancee. I retaliated that the only reason she is with him, is because she has not met me, but that I could easily steal her from him with my suave charm. He would also brag about how he outsmarted our AIT drill sergeants and had sex with some dumb bimbo. I also shot this down every times he brought it up at jump school. "Boyd you did not outsmart anyone. The CQ desk is 1200 fucking meters away. We all know the times that Drill Sergeant Dukes does his rounds at night. You weren't sneaky either. All the fireguards saw you, they just didn't give a shit and figured you weren't worth making DS Dukes run to the barracks. Plus they knew there was no way he could run 1200 meters in under the two minutes it took you to get her out of her room, take her over to an empty room, put your diseased penis in her, bust a nut, and get back to your room. And that bimbo you're talking about was fucking ugly. I was drunk as fuck when I went back to my room one day and when I saw her, she was still fucking ugly. Congratulations you knowingly fucked an ugly chick while you were under 100% sobriety." I loved destroying his image in front of other future paratroopers.

When it came to Thomas, it did not take much effort to bring his happiness down. He is physically and mentally weak, probably as a result of having a mother who could never let him have his own space and let him grow as a man, and all I ever needed to do was remind him of his weakness to kill any inner peace he attained. You're probably thinking why did I have to be such an asshole to a poor kid who never had a father? It is called natural selection. The fit will survive and reproduce, and the weak will die childless. It is taught in schools. I have no sympathy for kids who grew weak due to not having a father figure. I can name multitudes of people who grew up not having fathers yet became strong people. My cousin Ivan is one example. He grew up without a father figure, yet he is one of the greatest young men I have ever met. So sorry, but I will not pity Private Thomas. In fact, I am disappointed with myself that I could not destroy every shred of hope in him. That is the only thing that ever gets him going, and when I see on his face he is dealing with inner conflict, I do my best to take away his hope. To him, I am like the last piece of darkness that never made it out of Pandora's box. I just plain do not give a shit what happens to him. I think what made me want to be his Dr. Kevorkian was something he told us. He has this absurd belief that he is meant to go die in Iraq and return his body to the earth. Normally that hippie shit about returning bodies to the earth does not bother me, because I do marvel at nature at times. This is what gets me. He wants to go to Iraq as a soldier and just die. Fuck that! He did not think of the consequences of such a stupid idea. It is a shitty idea. How do I know? Any smart soldier will tell you that it is a shitty idea. If his unit was to come under fire, it would be chaotic. Everyone else would taking cover, trying to determine where to shoot, as well as looking out for each other and checking to see who may need medical attention. He would walk out and get his stupid ass popped by some insurgent. Then his unit members are going to try and save him and probably get killed. The unit medic would probably get shot trying to stop the bleeding. Combat medics tend to be hot chicks many times, that I do not know why, and I will forever hate Thomas if I found out that a hot girl died because of him. Besides, if he died in Iraq and his unit was unable to recover his body, it would not just lie there and decompose. The insurgents would parade his stupid dead body on video giving them yet another victory raising terrorist morale everywhere. After that they would probably just burn his body or leave it in some random Baghdad alley to rot, Congratulations Thomas, your body was returned to the earth as nothing but methane and carbon dioxide, in the fucking desert I may add. So to save the lives of his unit members and possibly a hot medic, I attempt to make him so depressed that the Army has no choice but to discharge him medically. I am only looking out for others. In fact, I think I should get an Army Achievement Medal at the very least, if not the Soldier's Medal, for risking my career to get rid of another useless Army asset that is just wasting away tax dollars. Thomas and I are in the same battalion right now, but he is stationed else where. However, if I ever hear his platoon is deploying for anything other than bitch detail, I will most lickety split destroy him, making him "combat ineffective" so that no one dies because of him.

That is it for airborne school tales today. Stay tuned for more.

Have an airborne day.