Child's Play

It has been awhile since I read Jazzy's blog, but I read one of her posts from last month and it really intrigued me. It was this quote from Maya Angelou:

"I am convinced that most people do not grow up. We find parking spaces and honor our credit cards. We marry and dare to have children and call that growing up. I think what we do is mostly grow old. We carry accumulationg of years in our bodies and on our faces, but generally our real selves, the children inside, are still innocent and shy as magnolias. We may act sophistocated and worldly but I believe we feel safest when we go inside ourselves and find home, a place where we belong and maybe the only place we do. "

It made me want to laugh because just the other day I was talking to Mulan about how I am going to act like I am 14 again. That was the most blissful age for me so far; all I cared about was playing guitar, exercising, watching cartoons, and sneaking booze with my cousin. I did not care about dating yet, acting mature, or what people thought of me. That is what I am doing again; I am 14. I go to work, go back to my room and watch cartoons, go for a run or lift weights, jam on my guitar a bit, then I go hang out with Lulu, Christmas, and Whiskey TanK and get drunk. Every night for the past few days I have been inebriated and it feels awesome. Everyone around me is trying to flirt and hook up, but I am just there drinking with my buddies and laughing at everyone. I do not care what people think of me, I am not there to try and hook up with some girl, and I just act the asshole that I always am, though for some reason people still think I am mature.

As I am watching all these guys swarm the few girls that are there, one guy's mom shows up. Yes, his mom. She is really cool though and everyone tends to like her and hate him. To everyone she is just Momma. Lulu tells me that she likes to flirt with all the guys and that her son hates that. So I just look back and laugh as she flirts with everyone. She is about to leave to go pick up her useless son who is not allowed to drive because of a DWI when she starts inviting everyone to go drink at her house on Friday. She invites Lulu and CavLover and is about to walk away when she sees me.

Momma: Hey are you going to go to my house on Friday before I move.
Me:(sly grin)Maybe.
Momma: Oooooo I thought you were someone else for a second. Who are you? You're cute! You better be at my house on Friday. Heck, you won't have to be at my house, I'll just take you in the back of the truck and have fun!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
*Momma leaves*
Lulu: Hahaha he's gonna hate you when he finds out his mom told you that hahaha.
Me: Awesome! I hate that guy.

Momma returns because her son wants to drink with us, eventhough most of us do not like him. I say nothing because I think it would be funnier for him to find out from someone else. CavLover stands up and whispers something into his ear.

Son: Momma! What did you tell this guy?! (points to me)
Momma: Ooooh he's gonna be my new lover! I want him! How come I've never met him before?!
Son: No Momma! Nooo!

At this point I started to black out, so I stopped drinking and left. In the past few nights I have cockblocked multiple times, cockguided one friend, and EFFORTLESSLY picked up on someone's mom. I still have a few more nights of drinking too.

By the way, I have gone nine months so far with no sex. And you guys said I could not pull it off.



Have an airborne day,
565 Airborne, out.

Fuck You Grim Reaper

Today I almost died. I am somewhat pissed off. Leave it to the angel of death to fuck me over and let me die in Louisiana. I would haunt this shit state.


Last night Trenches and Christmas returned from their competition in Maryland. Christmas invited me to go out and get shittrammered face with him and knowing I had to be at work at 6am today, I still chose to go out. I was bummed out all week and nothing makes someone feel better than a night of drinking with friends. Contrary to popular belief, you CAN drink your problems away, as long as you drink with friends. The mistake I made is that I did not have any dinner. The last meal I ate before I went out was lunch at noon; we went out at 10:30pm. Needless to say, I got so drunk I just about blacked out. We went to a bar to start the night and ended up at one of the dives the locals call a club. Everyone kept feeding me so many drinks I threw up right at the bar; thankfully no one saw that embarrassing spectacle except Christmas. He says it was projectile vomit and looked somewhat cool to see in person. I tried to make it to the bathroom to puke more but ended up outside. So I puked some more. By this time, I was on the verge of a blackout. Everytime I blinked I was somewhere else. I ended up at a strip joint just down the way. I cannot remember much from there except that a stripper offered me a lap dance. Not wanting one, I lied and said I was going to get some cash but left instead. Once I walked outside there was a cab waiting for me. I told him to take me to the club I left earlier. I passed out midsentence so he took me back on post instead. I do not know what happened from there but I woke up to my roommate saying I was late for work. I was also completely naked.

I throw my uniform on and run to work. The first vehicle left so I was stuck with the truck and three NCOs. Three very DRUNK NCOs. They wanted me to drive. I was still quite drunk myself. However, I was the least drunk, so I got stuck driving. We make it out to the training site alive. We are all so fucked up: uniforms sloppy, rank worn upside down, we all needed to shave, we reek of booze, and one NCO did not even have one pant leg tucked in his boots or bloused. I get stuck driving around the training site picking up expended brass from the live fire exercises. I am still drunk, but more borderline drunk/hungover. I was walking around when I thought I saw an unexploded mortar round. Being a dumbass, I go in for a closer look. It was a mortar round. I almost pissed myself. I call it up and they tell me to do a perimeter search for more ordnance. I was walking around when I came up to a small dirt road and found another UXO. This time it was a small 40 mm grenade that is fired from a grenade launcher. It looked like it was not fired but it was still damaged and a live grenade. I thought about moving it off the road, but I did not. I mean, who the fuck would want to touch a mangled 40mm grenade anyways? I walked off the road a bit to look at some impact craters from mortar fire. All of a sudden there was a humvee speeding down the road. The road with the grenade. I thought he would see. He did not. Right when he came up to it I dropped and curled up like a bitch in one of the impact craters. My instincts served me right since the jackass running the grenade over set it off spinning over my fucking head until it exploded about 75 meters away from me. If I stayed standing like a dumbass there would a fucking hole in my face; if my head was still intact. The humvee sped away and I did not see the asshole that almost killed me. I talked to my First Sergeant about it and higher command says we are going to keep hush about the incident and keep it within the battalion, but I get to be bribed. I really do not care. I mean, I am pissed off but I do not care about the bribery. I can now brag to everyone in my battalion that I am so badass I dodged a fucking 40 mike mike. They do not have to know the details.

After a brief about keeping quiet about the incident I head back on post. I figured I should let Christmas know that I did make it back on post after I went AWOL on him at the club. I told him everything and he said awesome. We went to lunch at Hana's and probably saw the most entertaining hibachi grill chef ever. He was Chinese and bagged on the Japanese and the Vietnamese. He made me wish Poon Boy and Mulan were there to hear the shit talking about the Vietnamese.

Despite the near death experience, this was an awesome weekend. And it is not done. I am going to take a nap now and wait for Christmas to call me and wake me so we can get drunk again.

I deserve it afterall. I am so badass I dodged a 40 mike mike grenade. "Sucka my balls" Keanu Reeves. "Two times!"



Have an airborne day,
565 Airborne, out.

Fuck You Jeff Goldblum

Yes I deleted my social networking sites. I am tired of meeting new people or having to bullshit with so called friends who only talk to you when they are bored and do not want to study so they figure they will pretend to be a friend and care about your state of being. Mainly I am tired of people trying to make me feel any form of guilt for enlisting. Yes I hate my job. Yes I hate my MOS. Yes I hate lack of common sense. However, I do love wearing my uniform and being able to say I serve in the Army.


What is on my mind right now:

HOW THE FUCK DOES THE SHOWER RUN OUT OF COLD WATER?!?!?!!?





Have an airborne day,
565 Airborne, out.

Du Ma May

Some people will say my team leader is a shitty NCO, primarily due to his highly unorthodox method of leadership. Really though, he is a great leader. He still follows the premise that leaders care for their subordinates and put their needs before their own. My TL happened to notice lately I was not acting what became my usual cheery asshole self. I was just a grumpy asshole. I have not even smoked the shit out of Jailbait, all I would do is talk shit and remind how worthless he is to society. My TL probably did one of the hardest things anyone can do; he pulled me aside and asked me what was wrong. When I bullshitted and told him I was fine he asked me if I was suicidal. I laughed. I assured him I was not, I was just disappointed and upset over recent outcomes. Knowing I definitely needed some cheering up he offered what he seems to think are the best solutions to being bummed out:

• Go to a strip club
• Go to a whore house
• Pick up chicks
• Do any of the above during duty hours
• Look up porn on a government computer via proxy servers
• Get drunk during work
• Rape Jailbait
• Rape the A Co supply sergeant
• Drive our government vehicle around post until we find single women
• Wreck the government vehicle
• Kill someone

Obviously we could not do anything he suggested because, well it does not need any explanation. Instead he had me prank call his cousins on speakerphone-of course we used our government issued cell phone. We called the nail salons that they own and manage. Vietnamese gooks owning and managing nail salons, big fucking surprise. I called one of his cousins saying I was going to sue him because "my wife got a pedicure yesterday and now her feet are infected you gook fuck." We got into a pretty heated argument and my vulgar language seemed to be ineffective since English is a second language to this guy. So my TL tells me to cuss at him in Vietnamese. So I said the first thing my TL taught me to say in Vietnamese, "Du ma may(sp? Don't give a fuck)" which literally translates to "Fuck your mother." There was abrupt silence and followed by a random assortment of insults in Vietnamese. My TL and I just start laughing. His cousin stops cussing and says, "Did my cousin put you up to this? That moderpucker!" Then my TL talked to him in their gook language. I was certainly in better spirits after that.

Have an airborne day,

565 Airborne, out.

I'm a Sinner, I'm a Saint

It is funny how something I write can educe the response I knew was coming.

I am not really going to give you anymore tales of promiscuity. I think the past few months of trying to be a moral person is hard work I should not just throw away. So maybe I am not all that moral-it is just too much fun making Jailbait feel like shit-but I have cut back on the promiscuity and I plan to keep it that way.

Since I bought my truck, I have been giving random people rides. If I see someone walking on the sidewalk, I will offer them a ride. No one should have to walk long distances on a military installation. Three times recently, girls have offered me some sexual favors as gratitude for giving them a ride. I declined each time, because it is not me anymore. However, I did take one girl's candy instead. Maybe being a good samaritan will save my ass from hell.




Have an airborne day,
565 Airborne, out.

I'm Back

I always fail to take Poon Boy's advice, until it is too late and I realized I made a mistake and I should have listened to him. He gives his advice so bluntly that I usually perceive it to be an innuendo as opposed to a truth he is trying to express.

Lately his advice has been that I do not need a relationship. I need to regress back to my promiscuous ways. I think he is right. I was being selfish by refusing to accept any sexual activity. My readers take pleasure in my tales of promiscuity and I am going to give you all more stories.

As far as being a nice guy, not me. Nice guys finish last. In fact, I am going to make Jailbait cry tomorrow. I am not going to wait until he fucks up; once he walks in the office, I am going to remind him he is one great failure.







Have an airborne day,
565 Airborne, out.

Fuck Authority

Officers these days.



Me: Sir, I'm going to be your counter-intel mole for FoF.
LT: Awesome. You got your weapon and gear ready to go?
Me: Roger sir. Where can I store my weapon?
LT: I don't know. I think the other guys stored my weapon in the truck of our cubic vehicle.
Me: What the fuck? Sir, you know that's the wrong answer.
LT: I know, I know. What can I do for you to keep quiet about this?
Me: Well I haven't touched myself in the past 40 plus days because of Lent; I want some downtime between ops to play stranger hand.
LT: We can double dutch rudder.
Me: Sir, with all due respect, eat a dick.
LT: Haha, don't be a puss, it's not gay.
Me: It's totally gay.
LT: Homophobe.
Me: Fag.
LT: Queer.
Me: Peterpuffer.
LT: Fudgepacker.
Me: Cum-chugger.
LT: I'll fucking double dutch rudder you whether you like it or not.
Me: I'll fuck your mom, make her fall in love with me, marry her, and then force you to call me dad, sir.
LT: You bastard. You are too clever and witty for this battalion.
Me: That's because I'm the smartest enlisted soldier in this battalion. Without a doubt.
LT: Smart, clever, and cocky; no wonder that NCO from mortars platoon hates you.
Me: He hates me because he wishes he wasn't so fucking stupid.......that and he wishes he was me.
LT: Oh so you overheard him talking to First Sergeant too?
Me: Wait, what?
LT: Yeah I overheard him crying, literally crying, about how he wishes he had some of your smarts and characteristics so he would be able to talk trash back to you.
Me: I knew it!
LT: Yeah he is envious of you.
Me: Duhhh, sir. I'm fucking awesome. You're sweating right now, not because it's hot in here, but because I am so awesome, I radiate energy and heat. Now quit staring at me like a fag, sir. Take a picture an post it on totalfuckingawesomeness.com backslash Ifuckingrule.
LT: Hahahaha get the fuck out of here.
Me: Ok sir, I'm Audi 5000. Peace out boy scout.
LT: Fucking dick.


Any other soldier would be severely punished for talking to an officer like that. I do not even get a slap on the wrist.





Have an airborne day,
565 Airborne, out.

All In A Day's Work

We had classes today in which we discussed being a prisoner of war and psychological effects associated with it including the Stockholm Syndrome. Then we had classes on suicide prevention and prevention of sexual harrassment and equal opportunity. The last two sucked, so we had to make it fun.

After the suicide prevention class, the instructor, a senior NCO asked, "So how does that video make you feel?"

Several people murmured, "It made me want to kill myself."

Having heard that same joke over and over again, he said, "Shut up! Like I haven't heard that one before. Let's be serious gentlemen." Then he made the mistake of asking me how I felt after that video. I said, "I feel like playing stranger hand." He asked what "stranger hand" is, so I explained it to him. "You know, it's where you make your hand fall asleep, so when you use that hand to touch yourself, it feels like someone else is touching you." Everyone laughed. One of the medics even said, "I use the blood pressure cuff to make my arm fall asleep really fast when I play stranger hand." The NCO was speechless for a good solid five minutes before we moved on to the next class.

We moved on to talking about equal opportunity. This is what happened:

NCO: So what does equal opportunity mean?
Me: It means he can't get promoted because's African and this is a predominantly white battalion.
Commo Guy: Motherfucker! How many times I have to tell you I'm creole, not African.
My team leader: You fucking mutt.
Medic 1: You're a mutt too you Asian fuck!
Me: Fuck you spic!
Medic 1: Aren't you a spic too? What the fuck are you!
Me: I'm your fucking daddy bitch.
Commo: Fucking medics always talking out of turn.
My TL: Black man, who said black people can talk in this class?
Medic 2: Fuck the jews!
Medic 3: Hey I'm jewish!
Me: Yeah! Fuck you! Dirty jew fuck!
NCO: (to me) That was exactly the opposite of equal opportunity. You know if this was a civilian job you would be fired right now.
Me: Fuck the jews.
NCO: Like I said, fired.



I started to think about what he told me. Then I realized, it is only Wednesday and there is a long list of things I have done in the past two days that would have resulted in me being fired if I worked in a civilian job.

• Used a government vehicle to go to lunch
• Purposely went hydroplanning in a government vehicle
• Gave the finger to numerous people from a government vehicle
• Showed up to work late
• Took a three hour lunch break
• Told several superiors, "With all due respect, go eat a dick."
• Told the XO who is my boss that "I like the white man because he has no shame in raping and pillaging other races and will use euphemisms to justify the aforementioned actions."
• Used paintmarkers to tag Jonah Takalua's infamous dicktation in my office.
• Accused several associates of "eating too many cockmeat sandwiches."
• Parked horizontally across four spaces, two of which belongs to civilians in the office next door
• Played Gwen Stefani's "Hollaback Girl" on repeat for two straight hours, loud enough for the two neighboring offices to hear
• Threatened to club people to death with my telescoping nightstick
• Walked around outside shirtless
• Attempted to sun tan shirtless during work, right outside my office
• Had an epic lighsaber fight with chemlights against my team leader in the supply room
• Broke two computer monitors during lightsaber fight
• Blamed broken monitors on another soldier

I think I deserve a week of fun after working 16 straight days for ridiculous hours.

Here is a video of Summer Heights High for those of you that do not know about dicktation.

Have an airborne day, 565 Airborne, out.