Freaking Poon Boy

Nothing interesting really happened today.

The highlight of the day was when my XO told me not to sing any punk songs, especially anti-establishment songs in front of any brass(officers).

I also almost passed out from trying not to cuss out an incompetent private; so many cuss words and insults were trying to come out that I held my breath too long.



This made me laugh for awhile. It's from Linda's blog(Civ1's girlfriend).

"Gabe introduces me as his 'female' to his co-workers instead of his gf."



I hope all the fat guys break their backs on tomorrow's jump.





Have an airborne day,
565 Airborne, out.

Lent

Starting tomorrow, I am not going to curse until Easter.

I will probably die from a brain aneurysm.


If you do not think I can pull it off.

Well, fuck you.






Have an airborne day,
565 Airborne, out.

The Greatest Man I Know

My grandpa is old, really old. He is so old, he is vintage, nearly antique. If you think I am exaggerating, my grandpa was born in 1918. He has surpassed the average life expectancy by 20 years. I realized his secret when I listened to a voicemail my cousin left me today.


"Hey dude, I was just calling to see how you were doing and if your mom told you what Grandpa did this weekend. I was over at my tia's house and once I got there some Jehovah Witnesses went up to talk to Grandpa and he just cussed at them, flipped them off, and showed them his penis; I just laughed. Then later, we caught him taking a dump on the neighbor's lawn and using the neighbor's mail to wipe his ass. My mom and my tia were talking to him and he was just really confused. The funny thing is though, when I was talking to him, and our moms weren't around, he told me he knew exactly what he was doing, but pretends to be so old he doesn't so that no one can yell at him or arrest him. I just wanted to let you in on his secret in case you didn't know."



As a matter of fact, I have known already. My grandpa is old and is starting to reach senility, but I can tell when he is faking it. My parents, aunts, and uncles do not know this though. It is like a rite of passage for teenagers in my family to be told that our grandpa fakes his senility half the time. That is my grandpa's secret to a long life; he does not give a fuck. He will show his dick, shit on a neighbor's lawn, cuss out strangers, and is also known to not wear pants if the sun is out, and this is what has been keeping him alive. His lack of cares has left him stress-free which is what all the retired should be like. Once I hit 70, if I make it to 70, I am faking senility 100%. People will be lucky to see me wearing underwear let alone pants. I'd probably also shit on the lawns of neighbors I do not like.


I love my grandpa. He has taught me so much about life.





Have an airborne day,
565 Airborne, out.

Artistic Update

I forgot how hard sharpie is to wash off, so while bored at work again today, I figured, fuck it! I might as well add a mustache to the face I drew on my penis.




Have an airborne day,
565 Airborne, out.

Jumpmaster's out!

If I wore pants, events like this would not happen.


I came home and followed the usual routine: take off boots, take off pants, pinch a dip, piss, nap.

Apparantly before I got back, my roommate ordered pizza and decided to take a nap, so by the time the pizza arrived, I was well asleep. There was some loud knocking on my door for a bit and I resultingly woke up to answer the door, thanks to my roommate being a deep sleeper(always comforting to know our indirect fire support is in the hands of deaf mortarmen).

This conversation with the pizza delivery girl resulted:

Her: I have a pizza for Nicholas?
Me: Lemme go wake him up.
Her: Uhmmm....you're hanging out.
*Yes, my penis was hanging outside my boxers*
Me: Geez, take a picture it lasts longer.
Her: Sorry, well hey! You didn't put it away!
Me: Why should I? You already saw it.
Her: Does it always hang to the side like that?
Me: I was taking a nap on my side, so he probably fell out and leaned to the side.
Her: Did you draw a face on it?!
*I got bored at work towards the end of the day, so I drew eyeballs and a nose on the end of my penis so it looks like a face*
Me: Yeah I got bored at work.
Her: Hahahahaha. I can't wait to tell my husband about this.
Me: Just don't tell him it was me or give him my room number.
Her: I won't. I need to go, can you please get your roommate for me? Haha.
Me: Sure. Nice chatting with you about my scrumdiddlyumptious.
Her: Hahaha. Hanging pretty good by the way.
Me: Thank you.




Have an airborne day,
565 Airborne, out.

The Prodigal Son

When my team leader has sex with his girlfriend, he always takes a picture of her vagina, and always sends it to everyone he works with, including me. I knew what this girl's vagina looks like before I knew what her face looked like.


A new Mexican restaurant opened up recently, and my team leader's girlfriend happened to land a job as a waitress; in fact, that's how we knew it was opening. So my team leader, our buddy who is the supply sergeant from one of our sister companies, and I went to try out this new restaurant. While we were sitting down, my team leader's girlfriend approached us to let us know we were eating free, and that's when I realized who she was, and of course I ended up making a big scene at the restaurant.


Her: What is he snickering about?
TL: Nothing, he's just mo'erfuckin buuulshittin'.
*I look up at her and can barely hold my laughter*
Her: You showed him the pictures!
TL: No I didn't.
Me: YES! HE DID! HE SENT ME PICTURES OF YOUR MESSY VAGINA AFTER SEX! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA(laughter persists for five minutes).
Her: You bastard.

At this point the whole restaurant is looking at me laugh uncontrollably since I caught their attention by quite loudly saying, "vagina."



Last night, my parents called me to see how I was doing, and since Trenches never fully believed me when I told him the rhetoric and diction I used to converse with my parents, I put them on speakerphone. Trenches was rolling with laughter as the following was discussed:

• my false confession to my mom that I am addicted to seeing breasts
• false confession to my parents that I frequently attend titty bars
• falsely proclaimed how much "I love titties"
• discussed what my sacrifice for Lent will be; I suggested giving up cussing so I do not have to give up seeing breasts all the time; my mom scolded my dad when he agreed it was a good idea, and his defense was, "He's going to see them anyways; he always does what he wants!"
• almost made my mom faint when I told her that when I am not playing with a girl's boobies, I am playing with her vagina
• told my mom I planned to subscribe to Playboy; my mom got mad at my dad again when he asked me to send him the old issues when I was done with them
• told my mom when my little brother is 16, I am taking him to a strip club

The whole time my dad thought I was drunk again and my mom became even more worried about me. What was awesome though, was that I got my mom to say "boobies" more than 25 times, and with her accent, it made it so much funnier; Trenches was laughing for awhile.

This is why my parents love my friends; they know that I AM the wild one and the bad influence.

Have an airborne day,
565 Airborne, out.

Write That Down

Since Jazz's cousin Cindy had a hard time trying to accurately find adjectives to describe me, I put up a few quotable quotes from some friends who knew EXACTLY how to depict my persona.


"Nelson can be a douche bag, asshole, cocky motherfucker... but in the end he's always there for you and is a good friend."

-Jazz



"You're the kinda guy moms warn their daughters about."

-Tiffany



"Only you would be proud of your piss."

-Trenches regarding me parading my urine during a urinalysis.



"Dude face it. You're a chick magnet. And being in the Army is like the frosting on the cake. And you're TSF, so fuck; like cake and ice cream."

-Poon



"TSF is always right."

-Nathan


" They conduct mysterious operations, speak in a dialect that even the most experienced linguist wouldn't understand, and their mystery attracts women."

-Rojo describing Trenches and I.

Have an airborne day,
565 Airborne, out.

This and That

My friends do not realize it, but their moods and actions affect mine. If my friends are mad, I am pissed the fuck off. If they are joyous, I do not curse at retards so much. If they are in working relationships, I want to give up sex and try at having a girlfriend.

Example:

Big Mike and Poon Boy have girlfriends that love them.
I want to try having a girlfriend and lay back on any forms of sex.

Jazz is dating a guy of Lebanese descent.
I do not want to kill camel jockeys as much.

Dizzle, the TSF Chaplain tries to hook up with SSG Stokes.
I want to have sex with a cougar.

Denise gets her first tattoo.
I want to get my second.

Trenches gets fucked over once again by some stupid cunt.
I want to kill and hurt people and use Valentine's Day to commit many acts of terrorism against couples that rush things.

An old platoon member continues to be an immature, shitty father.
I want to have a tribe of kids to make up for his daughter that will probably be another burden on the welfare system.

My new team leader tells me about the all girls he has had sex with from the area.
I am terrified of having sex with any girl from this area.


Have an airborne day,
565 Airborne, out.