I knew it would...
16 years ago
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Communication
Another old message I found in my inbox. This is a conversation Big Mike had with a mutual friend. So of course he forwarded me the original message and his response. He has this tendency to word things so he is still insulting and apologetic at the same time.
From: ~Ruby~Date: Jan 23, 2008 7:34 PM
you know what michael, i don't ask for much. but i do need you to respect me. but you obviously don't, and i really don't care anymore. wow, you're not afraid of me, so you don't respect me? thats bullshit and you know it. you know what, im done with this. i don't deserve this from you or anyone for that matter.
From: Big Mike Date: Jan 23, 2008 9:29 PM
you're right and that's what i've been trying to tell you. Maybe you need to work on your listening skills.
From: ~Ruby~Date: Jan 23, 2008 7:34 PM
you know what michael, i don't ask for much. but i do need you to respect me. but you obviously don't, and i really don't care anymore. wow, you're not afraid of me, so you don't respect me? thats bullshit and you know it. you know what, im done with this. i don't deserve this from you or anyone for that matter.
From: Big Mike Date: Jan 23, 2008 9:29 PM
you're right and that's what i've been trying to tell you. Maybe you need to work on your listening skills.
Snake's 40 Dollar Rule
I found this from over a year ago.
I am sure my friends know who said this.
"okay so ur going out with a girl, and u go out to dinner or whatever, and she orders her food, and you guys maybe go see a movie. well before u spend over 40 bucks, u better be goddamn sure as fuck that u are at least getting a blowjob, and at the very least a handjob, and if ur desperate a long make out session. if u dont feel that this is going to happen, use the old "oh i just realized i wrote a check for (fill in the blank) and im a little low on dough on my debit" then she pays xD."
Have an airborne day,
565 Airborne, out.
I am sure my friends know who said this.
"okay so ur going out with a girl, and u go out to dinner or whatever, and she orders her food, and you guys maybe go see a movie. well before u spend over 40 bucks, u better be goddamn sure as fuck that u are at least getting a blowjob, and at the very least a handjob, and if ur desperate a long make out session. if u dont feel that this is going to happen, use the old "oh i just realized i wrote a check for (fill in the blank) and im a little low on dough on my debit" then she pays xD."
Have an airborne day,
565 Airborne, out.
Monday, June 15, 2009
Mulan Asks....I Answer Truthfully
Mulan: [Iceman], if [Poon Boy] and i were to get married, how wild would u make the bachelor party???
Me: seriously, i probably wouldnt have any sluts involved
Me: but there would be lots of alcohol
Me: and lots of ridiculous shit going on
Mulan: what ridiculous shit?
Mulan: lol
Me: vandalism, streaking, mooning, flashing, more vandalism
Me: maybe fucking around with dangerous shit
Me: like explosives
Mulan: -___-
Mulan: omg
Mulan: but whatever happened to bachelor party 101 rules
Mulan: a stripper must be involved
Mulan: haha
Mulan: got that from the office
Me: only if i knew another manslut was there
Me: because everyone would keep her from sleeping with [Poon Boy]
Me: but i know my friends
Me: and they would achieve this by making me sleep with her
Who would definitely be there and why they would try to force me to fuck the stripper:
Me: seriously, i probably wouldnt have any sluts involved
Me: but there would be lots of alcohol
Me: and lots of ridiculous shit going on
Mulan: what ridiculous shit?
Mulan: lol
Me: vandalism, streaking, mooning, flashing, more vandalism
Me: maybe fucking around with dangerous shit
Me: like explosives
Mulan: -___-
Mulan: omg
Mulan: but whatever happened to bachelor party 101 rules
Mulan: a stripper must be involved
Mulan: haha
Mulan: got that from the office
Me: only if i knew another manslut was there
Me: because everyone would keep her from sleeping with [Poon Boy]
Me: but i know my friends
Me: and they would achieve this by making me sleep with her
Who would definitely be there and why they would try to force me to fuck the stripper:
- Big Mike: has a girlfriend, not the cheating type
- J-Hound: does not drink, is not a man slut
- Trenches: has a girlfriend, not the cheating type, not a man slut
- Das Auge: not a man slut
Who I would need to be there to fuck the stripper and why they would do it
- Mr. 562: I bet I can talk him into it
- Tito: According to Jazzy, never has been drunk; first time getting drunk would make him vulnerable to tits and ass
- Mulan's older brother: According to Mulan, he needs to get some, I could talk him into it
- Mulan's younger brother: see above
- Frat Boy: likes to drink, I will roofie his ass if I have to get him to do it
- Shismal Schlii Schmaa Liqua: has been wanting to fuck a stripper since he found out I did
Why I would not fuck the stripper
- Never again
- My slut days are over contrary to what my friends believe (lack of faith bastards)
- Never again
- I am not giving anyone a legitimate reason to call me a slut
- Never again
- I am not giving Mulan ammunition to counterattack me for bullying her about talking Poon Boy into fornicating in my bathroom at my birthday party......multiple times
Have an airborne day,
565 Airborne, out.
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Not Fucking Believable
I sometimes wonder if college is to blame for unleashing this innate ability to come up with ridiculously funny analogies in my best friend.
Poon Boy: **** is a really chill chick
Poon Boy: cant believe none of us have tapped that
Poon Boy: fucking unbelievable
Me: i know
Me: whats wrong with us
Poon Boy: its like finding 20 bucks in a pair of some jeans u skeeted on while at the strip club
Poon Boy: FUCKING UNBELIEVABLE
Have an airborne day,
565 Airborne, out.
Poon Boy: **** is a really chill chick
Poon Boy: cant believe none of us have tapped that
Poon Boy: fucking unbelievable
Me: i know
Me: whats wrong with us
Poon Boy: its like finding 20 bucks in a pair of some jeans u skeeted on while at the strip club
Poon Boy: FUCKING UNBELIEVABLE
Have an airborne day,
565 Airborne, out.
Monday, June 8, 2009
Summer Vacation
Recap from my two weeks at home.
Had my birthday party. I drank way too much and ended up blowing a .43 on my breathalyzer; Poon Boy blew a .38. Tucker Max was right, buying a breathalyzer was a bad idea. Sure enough I blacked out. The party was way too wild: Poon Boy and Mulan fornicated in my bathroom multiple times, once while my sister waited outside needing to go real bad, random people showed up who were not even aquaintances let alone friends, and yet somehow I did not piss myself. The next few days I received many texts and phonecalls from concerned friends wondering if I was still alive.
Went to Disneyland for the first time in a decade, with Poon Boy, Mulan, and Dimsum Girl. Poon Boy and Mulan like to play a game where they try to spot shoes called "Crocs" but I got frustrated with Poon Boy's domineering height advantage at being able to spot them farther away, so I created a new game where we would try to spot the most sluttiest girls at the park. Of course I won, but Mulan's ability to spot a slutty girl is admirable.
Watched all the Laker games with the homies at JHound's house. Some of us have a suspicion that JHound and Magpie have been fornicating recently.
Watched the movie Up; most depressing kid's movie I have ever seen.
Went to downtown LA to go to Chinatown and Olvera Street(Mexican version of Chinatown) in which Poon Boy and I bought: turtles, butterfly knives, rice hat, sombrero, poncho, a lucha libre mask, a plant, and Pancho Villa posters.
Went to Mulan's niece's birthday party. Since Poon Boy bought her the only Disney princess movie left at Best Buy, I bought her the next best thing any kid would love, fucking candy. It was a big hit, but as soon as she opened it, I heard Mulan's sister yell, "What the heck you trying to do, give my kid diabetes?!" When all the kids got tired of being in the bouncer, Poon Boy, Mulan's two brothers, and two brothers-in-law wanted to hold an MMA tournament in the bouncer. Needless to say, I kicked everyone's ass. Something that Poon Boy pointed out that I found hilarious and ironic was how everyone in Mulan's family was born in Vietnam except for Mulan and her younger brother. However, her younger brother has the thickest accent and Mulan talks like a white girl from Venice Beach. After the party ended, Mulan, Poon Boy and I were sitting around bored when we decided to go to Arcadia where Mulan's friend, Banannie, was working. Banannie is a somewhat shy girl who apparantly gets weirded out easily, so Mulan and Poon Boy thought it would be funny to send my charming ass to flirt with her. When we got there, I went into the Vans store and instantly identified her from looking at her pictures that Mulan showed me. I waited until she left the cash register and asked for help. While she did her best to help me pick out something to "buy for my brother" I ignored every word she said and tried to think of how I would flirt with her. I decided to just compliment her smile, because she did have a pretty smile. That was all that was needed to weird her out because right after I said, "Has anyone told you that you have a really pretty smile?" she started to run red, smiled awkwardly, took two steps away, slinked her shoulder, and TRIED to walk away while saying, "If you need any more help, just come ask me," but sounded more like a string of soft spoken murmurs. Then I went to get Poon Boy and Mulan so we could all let her know it was just a little prank. It was fucking hilarious. According to Mulan, this is what Banannie had to say about the prank:
"For some reason he looks really young, but I was thinking, 'Damn. This kid is a smooth talker.'"
Went to Frugos(one of those new frozen yogurt places everyone seems to have a boner for) with Poon Boy, JHound, Magpie, and La Amiga. Poon Boy and I know this somewhat shy, reserved, nice girl that works there and Poon Boy wondered if he would get a discount by telling them he was her boyfriend. So of course he did, and lied to them. The cashier was a senior at our alma mater and her eyes lit up with happiness when Poon Boy told her he had been dating this girl for two months. He got the discount.
Magpie is dating a Jew. Just had to throw that out there. A Jew.
Bought Mulan and Poon Boy a porno. Mulan asked me a few months ago to buy her a porno for her and Poon Boy to watch together. I told her I would get it if she really wanted it so I did. Mulan was just joking, but I did not know, so now Mulan has a porno that her siblings want to borrow, but she said she may watch it with Banannie or Dimsum Girl one day while they scissor.
Pissed off my mom by water the lawn in the morning and only wearing boxers and a wifebeater.
While watching Game 1 of the NBA finals, I convinced Cindy that Magpie and Jhound were in a relationship that was strictly sexual. Magpie was pissed.
Had my last day kickback like always. My grandpa entertained everyone. He kept asking Magpie why did she break her leg, as if she did it on purpose, but the funniest was when he implied that Jazzy hooked up with him before already. I will hold this against her forever.
Have an airborne day,
565 Airborne, out.
Had my birthday party. I drank way too much and ended up blowing a .43 on my breathalyzer; Poon Boy blew a .38. Tucker Max was right, buying a breathalyzer was a bad idea. Sure enough I blacked out. The party was way too wild: Poon Boy and Mulan fornicated in my bathroom multiple times, once while my sister waited outside needing to go real bad, random people showed up who were not even aquaintances let alone friends, and yet somehow I did not piss myself. The next few days I received many texts and phonecalls from concerned friends wondering if I was still alive.
Went to Disneyland for the first time in a decade, with Poon Boy, Mulan, and Dimsum Girl. Poon Boy and Mulan like to play a game where they try to spot shoes called "Crocs" but I got frustrated with Poon Boy's domineering height advantage at being able to spot them farther away, so I created a new game where we would try to spot the most sluttiest girls at the park. Of course I won, but Mulan's ability to spot a slutty girl is admirable.
Watched all the Laker games with the homies at JHound's house. Some of us have a suspicion that JHound and Magpie have been fornicating recently.
Watched the movie Up; most depressing kid's movie I have ever seen.
Went to downtown LA to go to Chinatown and Olvera Street(Mexican version of Chinatown) in which Poon Boy and I bought: turtles, butterfly knives, rice hat, sombrero, poncho, a lucha libre mask, a plant, and Pancho Villa posters.
Went to Mulan's niece's birthday party. Since Poon Boy bought her the only Disney princess movie left at Best Buy, I bought her the next best thing any kid would love, fucking candy. It was a big hit, but as soon as she opened it, I heard Mulan's sister yell, "What the heck you trying to do, give my kid diabetes?!" When all the kids got tired of being in the bouncer, Poon Boy, Mulan's two brothers, and two brothers-in-law wanted to hold an MMA tournament in the bouncer. Needless to say, I kicked everyone's ass. Something that Poon Boy pointed out that I found hilarious and ironic was how everyone in Mulan's family was born in Vietnam except for Mulan and her younger brother. However, her younger brother has the thickest accent and Mulan talks like a white girl from Venice Beach. After the party ended, Mulan, Poon Boy and I were sitting around bored when we decided to go to Arcadia where Mulan's friend, Banannie, was working. Banannie is a somewhat shy girl who apparantly gets weirded out easily, so Mulan and Poon Boy thought it would be funny to send my charming ass to flirt with her. When we got there, I went into the Vans store and instantly identified her from looking at her pictures that Mulan showed me. I waited until she left the cash register and asked for help. While she did her best to help me pick out something to "buy for my brother" I ignored every word she said and tried to think of how I would flirt with her. I decided to just compliment her smile, because she did have a pretty smile. That was all that was needed to weird her out because right after I said, "Has anyone told you that you have a really pretty smile?" she started to run red, smiled awkwardly, took two steps away, slinked her shoulder, and TRIED to walk away while saying, "If you need any more help, just come ask me," but sounded more like a string of soft spoken murmurs. Then I went to get Poon Boy and Mulan so we could all let her know it was just a little prank. It was fucking hilarious. According to Mulan, this is what Banannie had to say about the prank:
"For some reason he looks really young, but I was thinking, 'Damn. This kid is a smooth talker.'"
Went to Frugos(one of those new frozen yogurt places everyone seems to have a boner for) with Poon Boy, JHound, Magpie, and La Amiga. Poon Boy and I know this somewhat shy, reserved, nice girl that works there and Poon Boy wondered if he would get a discount by telling them he was her boyfriend. So of course he did, and lied to them. The cashier was a senior at our alma mater and her eyes lit up with happiness when Poon Boy told her he had been dating this girl for two months. He got the discount.
Magpie is dating a Jew. Just had to throw that out there. A Jew.
Bought Mulan and Poon Boy a porno. Mulan asked me a few months ago to buy her a porno for her and Poon Boy to watch together. I told her I would get it if she really wanted it so I did. Mulan was just joking, but I did not know, so now Mulan has a porno that her siblings want to borrow, but she said she may watch it with Banannie or Dimsum Girl one day while they scissor.
Pissed off my mom by water the lawn in the morning and only wearing boxers and a wifebeater.
While watching Game 1 of the NBA finals, I convinced Cindy that Magpie and Jhound were in a relationship that was strictly sexual. Magpie was pissed.
Had my last day kickback like always. My grandpa entertained everyone. He kept asking Magpie why did she break her leg, as if she did it on purpose, but the funniest was when he implied that Jazzy hooked up with him before already. I will hold this against her forever.
Have an airborne day,
565 Airborne, out.
Fucking Gooks
Conversation with my squad leader this morning.
Me: So how was leave?
SL: Amazing.
Me: You got fat.
SL: Everyone keeps telling me that!
Me: Cause you did get fat. Dude, I just saw you scarf down a LARGE bag of Chex Mix in under ten minutes!
SL: Ehh. How was your leave?
Me: Pretty awesome.
SL: How was your birthday?
Me: I got wasted. Blew a .43.
SL: You should be dead.
Me: I know, but I'm not, because I trained well with you and your friends from the jungle.
SL: Don't you have a Vietnamese friend in LA?
Me: Yeah, my best friend's girlfriend, but she's not from the jungle. She's from Saigon. They can't hang.
SL: No they can't, fucking pussies. She died after one shot huh?
Me: It was half a shot. It was enough though to make her go to the bathroom with her man several times.
SL: She puked?!
Me: No.
SL: OH SHIT! She touched him where he pees!
Me: Hahahaha, YES!
SL: You should have beat her with a bamboo stick.
Me: I think I PLIHP smacked her a few times.
SL: Good. Did you touch any girls where they pee?
Me: No....
SL: WHY NOT?!
Me: If I tell you, you're going to get mad.
SL: You already pissed me off.
Me: Well fuck you. But yeah, I fell in love with a girl...
SL: WHAT THE FUCK HAVE I TOLD YOU NOT TO DO?!?!
Me: Drugs.
SL: What else?!
Me: Drink with white girls.
SL: What else damnit?!
Me: Fall in love. HAHAHA
*Squad leader gives me an hour lecture about not falling in love*
SL: Call her or text her and dump her.
Me: No, fuck you.
SL: I'm giving you an order!
Me: I'm telling you to eat a dick!
SL: I do not approve of this.
Me: She's not asian.
SL: I'm gonna let this slide....for now, because she's not asian.
He then proceeded to lecture why not to date American girls of Asian descent. His main argument was that they do not act like traditional gook girls in that they live to serve their significant other and will call the police if you beat them.
Fucking gook ass straight from the jungle.
Have an airborne day,
565 Airborne, out.
Me: So how was leave?
SL: Amazing.
Me: You got fat.
SL: Everyone keeps telling me that!
Me: Cause you did get fat. Dude, I just saw you scarf down a LARGE bag of Chex Mix in under ten minutes!
SL: Ehh. How was your leave?
Me: Pretty awesome.
SL: How was your birthday?
Me: I got wasted. Blew a .43.
SL: You should be dead.
Me: I know, but I'm not, because I trained well with you and your friends from the jungle.
SL: Don't you have a Vietnamese friend in LA?
Me: Yeah, my best friend's girlfriend, but she's not from the jungle. She's from Saigon. They can't hang.
SL: No they can't, fucking pussies. She died after one shot huh?
Me: It was half a shot. It was enough though to make her go to the bathroom with her man several times.
SL: She puked?!
Me: No.
SL: OH SHIT! She touched him where he pees!
Me: Hahahaha, YES!
SL: You should have beat her with a bamboo stick.
Me: I think I PLIHP smacked her a few times.
SL: Good. Did you touch any girls where they pee?
Me: No....
SL: WHY NOT?!
Me: If I tell you, you're going to get mad.
SL: You already pissed me off.
Me: Well fuck you. But yeah, I fell in love with a girl...
SL: WHAT THE FUCK HAVE I TOLD YOU NOT TO DO?!?!
Me: Drugs.
SL: What else?!
Me: Drink with white girls.
SL: What else damnit?!
Me: Fall in love. HAHAHA
*Squad leader gives me an hour lecture about not falling in love*
SL: Call her or text her and dump her.
Me: No, fuck you.
SL: I'm giving you an order!
Me: I'm telling you to eat a dick!
SL: I do not approve of this.
Me: She's not asian.
SL: I'm gonna let this slide....for now, because she's not asian.
He then proceeded to lecture why not to date American girls of Asian descent. His main argument was that they do not act like traditional gook girls in that they live to serve their significant other and will call the police if you beat them.
Fucking gook ass straight from the jungle.
Have an airborne day,
565 Airborne, out.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
