Man I Love This Guy

Poon Boy has the sole intent of pimping me to regress my moral state back to nothing short of a slut; for my personal gain of course.


Best fucking friend ever.



Have an airborne day,
565 Airborne, out.

Death of a Teenage Dirtbag

Yesterday was my 20th birthday ending my teenage years. I am no longer a teenage dirtbag(Wheatus), I am just a dirtbag now. Here is how I celebrated this melancholy date:

• Got sick
• Went to the S-3 shop to cough and sneeze on everyone's computers and phones to spread my illness
• Sat in the rain for two hours trying to think of how to celebrate; all my friends are in the field
• Took a nap
• Started drinking
• Chatted with friends online
• Contemplated seeking help for my alcoholism(Someone tried to convince me, cannot remember who)
• Decided I will seek help for my alcoholism when my life gets REAL shitty
• Determined I would blow a .20 before midnight for my 20th(buying that breathalyzer was a bad idea)
• Gave bad advice/suggestions to Brownie, Mulan, Poon Boy(though he had worse ideas)
• Finished my bottle of Martell
• Blew a .20 at 11:30 pm
• Became enraged that someone stole my idea for the koala hug
• Looked at pictures of exes and think about failed relationships; fall into depression
• Made Brownie tell me a story to subdue my depression; it worked; she did a good job
• Decided to drink beer to calm my rage
• Blacked out somewhere around 2 am
• Woke up to my team leader calling me on the phone; I am an hour late for work
• I blow into my breathalyzer to see if I am good enough to drive my truck to the office; I blow a .15 at 10 am, guess not
• I walk to my office; I realize I am in no condition to operate a motor vehicle(Good thing I have that breathalyzer)
• Contemplate seeking help for my alcoholism
• Finished two hours of paperwork in 30 minutes; determined I do NOT have a drinking problem
• It is 11 am; I blow a .13; feeling less drunk and more hungover

Being sick and hungover makes me want to die. Right now I really wish a 40 mike mike would blow my head open. I cannot wait to go home and REALLY celebrate with my friends.

Have an airborne day,

565 Airborne, out.

Poon Boy's Magic Mark

I cannot sleep. I tried to but it was not happening, so I opted to stay up instead. Fuck it, it is my birthday. Since I decided to stay up I ended up chatting with a girl back home. She is the friend of my cousin's ex-girlfriend and eventhough they broke up awhile ago, this girl keeps talking to me, well, because I am fucking awesome. This girl never met me though and has actually boloed on two dates on me already. I am not expecting to go out with her when I go home though, because all I really care about is hanging out with my friends and family. Since I was going to stay up I figured I would humor her anyways and just talk to her. We were talking for awhile when I started talking about Poon Boy and then I mentioned Poon Boy's birthmark to her.


Me: Yeah he's a great friend. He always tries to find me a girlfriend and if he can't, he's a great wingman and works to get me laid.
Her: When you come home, I'll make you fall in love with me.
Me: Hahaha we'll see.
Her: Yes we will.
Me: I think you're going to end up falling in love with [Poon Boy].
Her: What the fuck? What makes you say that?
Me: He has this magic birthmark.
Her: What?!
Me: He has this birthmark that makes girls fall in love with him. His girlfriend gets mad when he's around other girls because she knows that birthmark is a visual aphrodisiac.
Her: Whatever.
Me: It's true. Let me find a picture.
Her: It's not going to make me fall in love with him.
Me: Yes it will.
Her: No it won't. I'm interested in you.
Me: You say that now; that mark will hook you.
Her: Whatever.
*I forward her a picture of him*
Me: See.
Her: ........
Me: It's got you hooked already.
Her: Whatever!
Me: .......
Her: Ok it does look good on him oddly.
Me: It got you already, and you haven't seen him in person. At my birthday party, don't ogle him too much or else you may have a small asian girl shooting blowdarts at your neck for checking out her man.
Her: Hahaha I won't ogle him!
Me: You say that now.
Her: I do kinda want to see him in person now though.
Me: I knew it.





Have an airborne day,
565 Airborne, out.

Change of Plans

I am going home this month afterall. It will be a much needed mental health vacation.



Here is my usual vacation bucket list:

• Go to In N Out


• Get drunk with Poon Boy


• Get drunk with Jazz


• Have a hedonismfest at my house as my birthday party


• Go to IHOP


• Make Bessie feel special by taking her to dinner while in uniform


• Buy Poon Boy and Mulan a shared lap dance


• Take Frank, Amiga, and Magpie to a strip club


• Introduce a new stage of inebriation to Mulan


• Outdrink all of Mulan's people


• Get drunk at Disneyland with Poon Boy


• Abduct Das Auge; tell his family he was deported


• Kidnap Ali


• Wig out on niaicin and Joltcola


• Have my sister serve me scotch while I watch the Great Gatsby


• Get SlumJPuppy to do commit one immoral act
  
• Get into fights
  
• Jam with Darth Wenis and The Schwarz again