All In A Day's Work

We had classes today in which we discussed being a prisoner of war and psychological effects associated with it including the Stockholm Syndrome. Then we had classes on suicide prevention and prevention of sexual harrassment and equal opportunity. The last two sucked, so we had to make it fun.

After the suicide prevention class, the instructor, a senior NCO asked, "So how does that video make you feel?"

Several people murmured, "It made me want to kill myself."

Having heard that same joke over and over again, he said, "Shut up! Like I haven't heard that one before. Let's be serious gentlemen." Then he made the mistake of asking me how I felt after that video. I said, "I feel like playing stranger hand." He asked what "stranger hand" is, so I explained it to him. "You know, it's where you make your hand fall asleep, so when you use that hand to touch yourself, it feels like someone else is touching you." Everyone laughed. One of the medics even said, "I use the blood pressure cuff to make my arm fall asleep really fast when I play stranger hand." The NCO was speechless for a good solid five minutes before we moved on to the next class.

We moved on to talking about equal opportunity. This is what happened:

NCO: So what does equal opportunity mean?
Me: It means he can't get promoted because's African and this is a predominantly white battalion.
Commo Guy: Motherfucker! How many times I have to tell you I'm creole, not African.
My team leader: You fucking mutt.
Medic 1: You're a mutt too you Asian fuck!
Me: Fuck you spic!
Medic 1: Aren't you a spic too? What the fuck are you!
Me: I'm your fucking daddy bitch.
Commo: Fucking medics always talking out of turn.
My TL: Black man, who said black people can talk in this class?
Medic 2: Fuck the jews!
Medic 3: Hey I'm jewish!
Me: Yeah! Fuck you! Dirty jew fuck!
NCO: (to me) That was exactly the opposite of equal opportunity. You know if this was a civilian job you would be fired right now.
Me: Fuck the jews.
NCO: Like I said, fired.



I started to think about what he told me. Then I realized, it is only Wednesday and there is a long list of things I have done in the past two days that would have resulted in me being fired if I worked in a civilian job.

• Used a government vehicle to go to lunch
• Purposely went hydroplanning in a government vehicle
• Gave the finger to numerous people from a government vehicle
• Showed up to work late
• Took a three hour lunch break
• Told several superiors, "With all due respect, go eat a dick."
• Told the XO who is my boss that "I like the white man because he has no shame in raping and pillaging other races and will use euphemisms to justify the aforementioned actions."
• Used paintmarkers to tag Jonah Takalua's infamous dicktation in my office.
• Accused several associates of "eating too many cockmeat sandwiches."
• Parked horizontally across four spaces, two of which belongs to civilians in the office next door
• Played Gwen Stefani's "Hollaback Girl" on repeat for two straight hours, loud enough for the two neighboring offices to hear
• Threatened to club people to death with my telescoping nightstick
• Walked around outside shirtless
• Attempted to sun tan shirtless during work, right outside my office
• Had an epic lighsaber fight with chemlights against my team leader in the supply room
• Broke two computer monitors during lightsaber fight
• Blamed broken monitors on another soldier

I think I deserve a week of fun after working 16 straight days for ridiculous hours.

Here is a video of Summer Heights High for those of you that do not know about dicktation.

Have an airborne day, 565 Airborne, out.