The Greatest Man I Know

My grandpa is old, really old. He is so old, he is vintage, nearly antique. If you think I am exaggerating, my grandpa was born in 1918. He has surpassed the average life expectancy by 20 years. I realized his secret when I listened to a voicemail my cousin left me today.


"Hey dude, I was just calling to see how you were doing and if your mom told you what Grandpa did this weekend. I was over at my tia's house and once I got there some Jehovah Witnesses went up to talk to Grandpa and he just cussed at them, flipped them off, and showed them his penis; I just laughed. Then later, we caught him taking a dump on the neighbor's lawn and using the neighbor's mail to wipe his ass. My mom and my tia were talking to him and he was just really confused. The funny thing is though, when I was talking to him, and our moms weren't around, he told me he knew exactly what he was doing, but pretends to be so old he doesn't so that no one can yell at him or arrest him. I just wanted to let you in on his secret in case you didn't know."



As a matter of fact, I have known already. My grandpa is old and is starting to reach senility, but I can tell when he is faking it. My parents, aunts, and uncles do not know this though. It is like a rite of passage for teenagers in my family to be told that our grandpa fakes his senility half the time. That is my grandpa's secret to a long life; he does not give a fuck. He will show his dick, shit on a neighbor's lawn, cuss out strangers, and is also known to not wear pants if the sun is out, and this is what has been keeping him alive. His lack of cares has left him stress-free which is what all the retired should be like. Once I hit 70, if I make it to 70, I am faking senility 100%. People will be lucky to see me wearing underwear let alone pants. I'd probably also shit on the lawns of neighbors I do not like.


I love my grandpa. He has taught me so much about life.





Have an airborne day,
565 Airborne, out.