Christmas Vacation

Leave. The best time of the year. It is more of a bittersweet feeling to go on leave now. I hate it because I only get a minimal taste of what things may have been like if I never enlisted, but I obviously love it because it means time away from Fort Polk, time away from Louisiana, but also time with family, and time with friends. And time with friends means possibilities of things occurring worthy of a blog. This time at home was not as....interesting as last time, but I did have my fun.

I flew from Alexandria, Louisiana, to Memphis, Tennessee. On the flight from Memphis to Los Angeles some college freshman sat next to me; a cute college freshman I might add. She happened to sneak vodka on the flight inside a tiny, grenade size water bottle. I got a small whiff of it and realized what it was and started talking to her regarding such a dare. We soon began flirting; she flipped her hair behind her ear, I showed her my dogtags. Easy catch. Next thing I know she is a bit drunk. Her friend in the aisle behind us was also drunk, and jealous no one was paying her any attention so she starts to try and point out any physical flaws her friend has; I do not pay attention; fuck jealous broads. Then her friend claims she has a mustache and peach fuzz all over her face. I decide to try out something I saw Mos Def do to Melonie Diaz in the movie Be Kind Rewind. I pretend I am inspecting her lip for any hair of supposed mustache, and give her a small kiss. She was turned on. I still cannot believe that stupid shit I saw in a movie worked. After that she wanted to test my threshold in a series of dares. We started off with some kissing, next thing I know, my hand in up her shirt, and her hand is down my pants. It does end not there. We cover ourselves completely with her blanket, my hand moves down into her pants, and her mouth is on my penis.......and she swallowed. Success. She actually came too, from me petting her kitty. Can we be inducted into the Mile High Club, or does that not count? Thankfully we were not caught, or at least not by anyone that was bothered by the free up close in person porno, and I passed out with my head on the window and she passed out on my shoulder.....with her hand still down my pants. I love sexually frustrated college students. Once the plane landed I texted Trenches, whose luck was, well horrible as he had to sit next to to fat guys, and his bag was lost.

Once I arrived at LAX, while I was waiting outside for my cousin to pick me up, some fucking hippie faggot white guy approaches me, realizing I am in the Army because of my haircut, clean shaven face(mostly due to my inability to grow facial hair), and my obvious, big, OD green duffle bag. This dumb fuck tries to talk to me about reading some material his "organization writes regarding total peace on Earth and achieving nirvana." Once I heard that babble, it was the cherry on top to the sundae of stupid ponytail, reeking odor of marijuana, and stupid bag full of "peace and nirvana books" that encompassed this nonproductive member of the lower rings of society; in case my colloquial, yet eloquent style of writing confused you, I hate hippies including this douchebag. This fucker actually tried to tell me that by being a soldier, I was wasting my youth and "life essence" and that rather than be a tool of war, I should strive for peace. There is two main things my friends know about me: I regret my enlistment, but although I regret my enlistment, I still take great pride in being a soldier. I hate hippies, especially ones that try and tell me I am not a productive member of society when all they do is smoke pot and write bullshit that is plagiarized, in a time when the state of the economy is as healthy as a person with HIV. I hate to break it to everyone, but there will NEVER be peace on Earth. Stop wasting God's time by praying for total peace; make your prayers worth listening and plead for ceasefires and decreased violence. Pax en bello motherfuckers. By the way, as that hippie tried to hand me one of his waste-of-paper-books, I put a big fat dip in my lip, savored the sweet juices of peach flavored smokeless tobacco, took the book, threw it on the ground, spit my dip juice on the book, and then spit more dip juice on this fuck's bare foot. Viva TSF you hippie fucks.

Went to In N Out.

Drank a few beers with cousin before he went to work.

Got drunk with some homies that night. Everyone was shittrammered face except for myself and JDoggy Style In Her Mouth & Ass. One of my friends nearly suffocated some puking hoodrat that he invited, and Poon left his pipe on top of my dad's car, which froze to it overnight. My dad saw it in the morning and pretty much guessed who got baked.

Ran a few errands with Poon the next day. He has so many attractive coworkers, and they all dig him; I should have gone to college and just worked at Best Buy. We almost died on the way back to my house because he is so fucking jumpy, although it was my fault that he swerved on a busy street. I officially initiated Poon into TSF, as TSF Civ1. Then later that day we went to his grandpa's house for some awesome chow. We left the house and decided to check out the new strip club. I got a blowjob. When I came out, Poon was nearly ready to leave as he felt so uncomfortable just being there. Maybe we should not have gone to a titty bar at 6 in the evening. From there I went to some friends' house because they were having a party for a friend, but invited me to see me anyways. There I saw Big Mike, who was there because his girlfriend is friends with the birthday boy. My little sister says I will sound more poignant if I pen the birthday boy, "the guest of honor," but fuck that noise. I am fucking TSF, anywhere I go, I AM the guest of honor. I had to leave after awhile, but not before Big Mike tried to convince me to hook up with one of the girls at the party. I declined as I foreshadowed too much drama and possible paternity suits. And the fact that they were not 18.

Saw the movie The Haunting of Molly Hartley. Horrible fucking movie. At least I spent some quality time with my friends.

Went to see my cousin at her new house. She is not married but says she and her boyfriend are "more than in a relationship, and more like life partners." As more family showed up, we had a family blessing and then proceeded to chow on some burgers. While watching my cousin play a video game, my cousin’s boyfriend’s 10 year old daughter comes up to me and asks me if I am in the Army. After replying that I am, she begins to yell in my face, "ARMY SUCKS! NAVY RULES!" Needless to say I was annoyed after two minutes and warned her to leave me alone. When she did not comply, I pummeled back and smacked her right across the face. Right before she started crying I left and went outside like nothing happened. I guessed no one realized why she was crying because no one said anything to me except my little sister who told me, "Don’t worry. I’m the only one who saw that, and it was something I’ve been wanting to do for awhile. She always pissed me off."

Christmas was fun. I nearly strained my shoulder playing fucking kids' games on the Wii. At least I won. I guess being a single soldier familiar with the motions of jerking off my dick every now and then, helped me dominate at the Wii.

While on a run with my dad, some fucking kid walking saw me in my Army PT shirt and thinks it funny to say "Fuck the Army!" He learned the hard way after I punched him in the face four times breaking his nose and causing him to fall back and slam his head on the ground splitting his head a bit. I was not done with him though; I hit him twice more knocking out one of his teeth until my dad pulled me off him and suggested we run. Do not worry, I am sure I did not kill him, I saw him get up after two minutes and run away.

After having dinner at Red Robin with Frank, M-Pie, La Amiga, and JDoggy Style In Her Mouth & Ass, we decide to go to a titty bar. M-Pie and La Amiga wanted to go to my house first and get some drinks first. We tried to convince Poon to go, but he said he did not want to. It just does not feel right without him going. I got one lap dance, but it was nearly an hour long and I got a whiskey juliet. The best part of the night though, was when Frank and I took La Amiga and M-Pie to the stage where they dance on the poles, and the same stripper who gave me the WhiskeyJ made La Amiga touch her breast, and in which La Amiga accidently jiggled her breast with a nervous, shaky hand.

The Sunday before I left, I spent over two hours at a Starbucks having a conversation with my most favorite Midwestener. I wish I saw her more than two days a year though. Fuck my life.
The most interesting day of leave had to be Monday night, before I left. I had a little kickback just so I could spend time with friends before leaving; it eases the depression a bit. Nearly everyone got drunk. And throughout the whole night, some of the girls decided to show Poon their breasts. He saw a handful of breasts that night.

I miss everyone already.




Have an airborne New Year,
565 Airborne, out.