In the past week, three of my friends have asked me for advice on strippers. For some reason they christened me an "expert on strippers." This is not because I foolishly throw money away at them; in fact, it is the complete opposite, I do not spend much, if any money on them. I am not going to lie(as honesty is a motif of my blog writings), I have had sex, whether oral or intercourse, with a handful of exotic dancers. Call me a whore, slut, vagrant lustful sinner, I do not care; it is obvious by now I do not give a fuck. Besides, I know I am not that bad; I have not had sex in four months and have been doing pretty good to remain abstinent. There are several key things to remember if trying to beat strippers at their own game.
1. Expect failure.
If you walk in a strip club with the mentality that you will fuck a stripper before you leave that night, you will most likely leave the club penniless and with a hard on you will have to beat off when you get home. Expect nothing, and you are more likely to succeed because you will be much more focused. It helps to wax your carrot before you go. Unless you are me, you will not always get what you want from strippers; I can walk in with the mentality I will get a free
blowjob and I will get one, but that is because I am the fucking Iceman, I am
TSF.
2. Lap Dances Are Overrated.
All you are doing is paying for an erection. You get the same effect from free porn on the
internet. Do not be like the other
joes who spend $200 just on lap dances. I would rather spend $200 on booze and just get some girl drunk and horny.
3. Think Nintendo.
If you do not walk straight to the main stage(where the pole is) you are probably walking to the lounge chairs around the back walls. While sitting here, strippers will approach you and ask if you want a lap dance. If they just ask, and you decline, they will just walk away and try to find someone else to snatch money from. However, some will sit next to you and con you into getting a lap dance. They may put their hands on your leg, play with your cock, whisper dirty things into your ear, or even start up a conversation with you, which usually leads to their hand on your cock. KEEP IT DOWN! If they feel you have an erection, they know they are winning and WILL beat you. Think, or even talk to them, about something that you can blab away at for hours and it will help keep the cobra down despite the snake charmer is playing the flute. I usually rehearse video game strategies in my head.
4. Be Cool.
Act nonchalant. Like I mentioned earlier, they may talk to you and ask you about your life or what you do for a living. They are pretending to be interested. Be truthful, but maintain composure and refrain from sounding too excited about whatever it is you are boring that stripper with. If you would rather lie, make sure you know what you are talking about and can back up whatever you say with knowledge; you never know, if you are lying about being a corporate lawyer and do not know shit about the legal system or business, you better hope that stripper is not working at that club to put herself through law school. Also, avoid saying things like "strippers, bitches, hos, pimp, and strip club." They are "exotic dancers," they are "classy" women too, they are not whores and therefore do not need a pimp, and they work at a "Gentleman's Club."
5. You Are Awesome, Yet Know Humility.
Do not be a jackass, be humble instead. They do not give a fuck that you make a six digit salary-although they will try to take that money from you-because all you are doing is being a flashy asshole. This is what I do when I play the soldier or paratrooper card. I let them ask me what I do for a living, and I make it seem like nothing. Sure jumping out of planes is not for the weak, and I do it;
syllogistically speaking I am not weak, and by being humble about it, instead of bragging about it MAY appeal to a stripper's emotions(they are people too) and they may feel the need to reward you somehow.
6. Settle On A Deal.
Take what you can. If you managed to charm her into a free
blowjob, fuck it, take the
BJ!
7. Back off Emmanuel
Goldstein!
Do not throw your money away, but do not be a Jew either. Spend some money. Buy a
lapdance. Buy a drink. Buy a stripper a drink. If the owner or manager notices, or worse, is told you are not giving up any of the greenbacks, they will probably kick you out and make space for someone who willing to spend some cash. In fact some strip clubs require that you always have something in hand to drink, so sip, do not gulp, that four ounces of Sprite that cost you six dollars. Hell, after awhile of declining lap dances, that stripper may cut you a deal and give you extra dances or will play with your balls; just spend a little bit of money and let her do her job.
8. Walk Out Alive.
If you do something stupid, you will get fucked up. Those huge bouncers get paid to kick ass. Take cash out of the ATM the morning of, and leave your ATM and credit cards at home. Do not waste hundreds of dollars in one night for lust. It is NOT worth it. If you are lucky enough to score with a stripper, wrap your tool. You do not want to walk out of that place, only to find out a few months later your balls might fall off from lack of medical attention.
9. The Axe Effect.
Take some type of body spray, but leave it in the car. You WILL walk out of there reeking with scent of stripper all over you. It does not smell bad necessarily, but it is not appealing at all. You would rather smell like
cigarettes than stripper, especially if you have a girlfriend.
10. Be Innovative.
This is just my guide for you on how to avoid being tricked by strippers. Maybe I am dead wrong about something. Make your own observations, test an original hypothesis, and make your own stripper theories. Just use this to start out.
Have an airborne day,
565 Airborne, out.
