I always thought these were the imperatives of Special Operations Forces(Top Secret Badass Fucking Commandos for you civies who are confused).
Understand the Operational Environment Recognize Political Implications Facilitate Interagency Activities Engage the Threat Discriminately Consider Long-term Effects Ensure Legitimacy and Credibility of Special Operations Anticipate and Control Psychological Effects Apply Capabilities Indirectly Develop Multiple Options Ensure Long-term Sustainment Provide Sufficient lntelligence Balance Security and Synchronization
Well I was wrong. According to some "Quiet Professionals" I worked with, there are only three SOF imperatives:
1. Always be cool. 2. Never get lost. 3. If lost, refer back to number 1.
According to some of them, Iceman has mastered these imperatives. Based on my observations, Trenches has mastered it for quite some time now. Syllogistically speaking, Iceman and Trenches are cool as fuck. Suck on that Kool Aid Man, "you glass bastard; you glass bitch."
When I first began talking to my girlfriend, Trenches was texting her at the same time. I am the type of friend that does not mind sharing a girl's attention; besides I called dibs on her, just in case, and being a fair player at the dibs game, Trenches abided by the rules and refrained from pursuing her, most likely because she is 17 and Trenches is 25. I know some of my friends are thinking, "Don't do it Iceman! She's jailbait dumbass!" but do not fret, she will be 18 in October and we are not doing anything sexual, minus the knee job she gave me. Well as she began talking to me, she would text and chat with Trenches, she was trying to get friend approval, which she got, and was asking him how to impress me. My true friends know it does not take much for a girl to impress me. In fact Dave Chapelle put it quite eloquently when he said, "Ladies, don't listen to that bullshit magazines tell you. There aren't a hundred ways to please a man. Just suck my dick, play with my balls, fix me a sandwich, and don't talk so damn much!" I am pretty much the same way. When my girlfriend asked Trenches how to impress me he told her, "Just be yourself and don't force anything; just let things happen as they will. And cook him Mexican food and lots of desserts because he eats like a fat guy." He was pretty much on target.
There was one weekend where Staff Sergeant Rojo cooked us dinner AND brought the food to the barracks. He made some delicious chicken with salsa quesadillas, brownies, used the rest of the chicken to make us chicken with rice for whenever we did not have food, AND brought Dr. Pepper. My hunger was more than satisfied. After our delectable feast, I brought about this observation with Trenches:
Me: Hey, what was it that you told Jeny about impressing me? Trenches: I told her you eat like a fat guy so she should cook you Mexican food and desserts. Me: Which is exactly what Rojo did. Trenches: If Rojo had a vagina, you wouldn't need Jeny. Rojo: Hahaha. Me: Yeah that is true, I would just date Rojo. Trenches: I would probably bang Rojo too. Me: We would probably fight over the idea and just T-10Delta* Rojo if he were a woman.
*T-10Delta(T-10D) is a term I came up with. The United States paratroopers nowadays use the T-10D parachute for static line jumps. One characteristic about it is that it can handle the weight of two fully combat loaded troopers. Of course, I turned it into a term referring to double-teaming a girl.*
At this point I thought it would be funny to prank my newfound girlfriend. I used Trenches's phone to text her, making her think it was him texting her. "Trenches" told her that I cheated on her already and made the reference to the manner of impressing me. At first she was worried and almost disappointed but soon realized it was a joke and just a reference to the dinner Rojo made us. It was quite hilarious though as I instantly received texts from her questioning my fidelity. I did not put her through too much panic though, and she just laughed at the prank. I am awesome boyfriend, right? We are barely in a relationship and I am already pulling pranks on her regarding my loyalty. I thought it was funny.
Yesterday almost sucked, but turned out to be a great day. Tammy and I were helping Been-Jammin move some furniture into his house and at lunch Tammy went to drop me off at the barracks. Being a lazy dumbass I no ballsed him to drive up on the grass and sidewalk and drop me off right in front of my building. Of course, our douchebag, fat sack of shit, spook, Sergeant Major caught us and made us put on all our gear and guard the parking lot. Initially he said we would be out there for two hours, yet I did not care and only laughed the situation off, but when he released us after 15 minutes, I was feeling golden, considering his punishment taught me NOTHING.
The day became interesting after work. My girl from Shreveport was on her way down to Leesville, which is nearly a two and a half hour drive. We had plans to go to dinner, but Trenches and I could not wait that long, so we went to KFC and ate at the buffet, which we learned would be a mistake. We then went to Walmart, where instead of shopping for necessities, we hunted for boodros to take pictures of and add to Trenches's Louisiana Beaudreaux photo album. They finally arrived at Steak and Bitches were we met up; I instantly knew Trenches would not click with her friend who was supposed to be his date, but Trenches being the great friend that he is, stuck around anyways and was a great wingman. Dinner would have completely sucked if Been-Jammin did not show up and grace us with his outlandish, accidental humorous behavior. After the KFC buffet, Trenches and I could not even handle the smell of food. Dinner was needless to say awkward and boring. We were about to head to the movies when they said they had a surprise for Trenches and I; they baked us pie, thus earning bonus points. We then went to the movies where Been-Jammin feel asleep, so Trenches thought it would be funny to put his arm around his shoulder seeing as how Been-Jammin is extremely homophobic; Been-Jammin did not wake up though and I could not get a picture.
After the movie Trenches and Been-Jammin went back on post and I went to the hotel with the girls. My girl wanted me to stay the night with her, but she wanted us all to be in one room, so I made a reservation for a two queen bed room. I feel bad for her friend because once we got to the room, it did not take long for us to start making out. After 10 minutes her friend decided to leave the room for awhile; I would not have minded her watching anyways. We were kissing for awhile when I got tired of being on top so we rolled over when something interesting happened. When she was kissing me, she was doing something quite arousing with her tongue, so naturally I had an erection. Now I don't know if she did it on purpose, or if it was just the way she was lying on top of me, but she was caressing said erection with her knee. In case you are wondering, yes it felt amazing. To let you know how I felt I added a video from Wedding Crashers. I felt just how Vince Vaughn's character felt in this scene:
This happened a few times through the night too. In the morning we discussed whether or not we wanted a relationship. Ten seconds later Iceman has a girlfriend. I did not think it would happen either, but hey I deserve a break. And no, we are not having sex; she wants to be a virgin until she is married, and since I am not the cheating type of douchebag, I can remain abstinent. When we left the room, a Korean maid was waiting outside; she saw my girlfriend's friend walk out, then saw my girlfriend walk out, and saw me walk out. As they were down the hall at the elevator the Korean lady said, "Oooooh you have fun last night. Noooo, you have double fun last night!" I love the Oriental.
As if my weekend was not intriguing enough, more had to follow when I went back on post. I logged on to my computer and Myspace to realize one of my friends had sent me a link on Myspace. I have several friends who like to send me links to their favorite porno on the internet. I happen to have two friends, both female, who love to study the oral sex techniques of Heather Brooke, and lo and behold one of them sent me a link to a Heather Brooke blowjob video; she should not even be looking at porn considering she is still a minor. Once I opened the link, the video started playing, at the same time I heard a knock on my door. Oblivious to who it may be, I just opened the door; it was my First Sergeant coming to inspect my living conditions......with the porno playing on my computer. This was our conversation:
Me: Hooah Top. Top: Hey soldier, I'm just coming by to see how y'all are doing. Me: Pardon the mess Top, but I am cleaning my gear. Top: No worries soldier relax. Your room is pretty clean, just make sure y'all sweep the common area time to time. Me: Roger Top. Top:(He looks at my computer) Looking at some porn? Me: Uhhh my girlfriend sent me that. She's freaky like that. Top:(Nods acknowledging he likes the porn) Damn I wish I had a girlfriend who sent me things like that. Have a good weekend. Me: Hooah Top.
Yet even more happened. The sergeant who lives on my floor knocked on my door, I am guessing, to make me sweep the common area. I opened the door but he was not there, but when I thought I heard one of my NCO's in the common area I looked through the peephole as I shut off my lights so that they would think I was not in my room. It was actually the sergeant's girlfriend. As I watched him sweep the common area, I see his girlfriend walk in his room, leave the door wide open, walk into the bathroom, leave the door wide open, and drop her pants to take a piss. I could not believe it, until she stood up to wipe her vagina. I just saw my neighbor's girlfriend urinate. Of course I had to tell Trenches.
By the way, Trenches is fucking awesome. Best wingman, and a friend, a guy could have. If you are a hot, single girl and you have not tried to woo him yet; well, that is the wrong fucking answer.
