Regular Vacation

I know many of you want to know what happened when I was home on leave. Considering I was drunk or hungover 98% of the time I was home, it is still difficult trying to put all the blurry images together for one coherent blog post. I would rather change the format of my blog and just list the events in no particular order.

Before I even left Louisiana I started trouble. My squad leader picked me up early and drrove me to the Alexandria International Airport, which ironically, only handles domestic flights. I bet it was all because some uneducated Louisiana hillbilly fucking boodro did not comprehend the word "International" and lacked knowledge of the word "domestic." After checking in my bags I go up stairs to the miniature security checkpoint and make a realization, I have not shaved. I look a bit Middle Eastern right now. Yessssss. I walk up to place my bag and personal items on the conveyer belt and when the TSA worker asks for my boarding pass, with a heavy Arabic accent I say, "Yes, yes. I give you pass. Me pass checkpoint. Me pass." Her reply, "No sir. I need to see your boarding pass." I say, "Oh yes here, here is pass. Careful with bag. Careful. Careful please." Sure enough I am pulled to the side, my bag is thoroughly scrutinized, and I get the white glove treatment. It took the greatest strength and restraint to refrain from laughing so hard. After they were done, I proceeded to my gate. I just played a game with airport security, when the wrong diction or body language may have dictated a threat to national security. I fucking rule. As I board the plane, I realize my seat, which should have had no one next to me, has a woman with so much makeup on that smell makes me nauseous. I decide to fuck with her head so she will request a seat change. I put my bag up and just stare at her. "Is this your seat?" I blabber, "Mallekakka dirka dirka Mohammed al tadr shiha." She gets up and requests a seat change. Since the plane is pretty vacant we both get what we want. She wants to be a bigot and not sit next to me, because she thinks I am Arabic, and I get the seat next to me to stretch my legs and sleep. I am a douche, I know. Be jealous.

Talked to Felicia. I was quite cold, and distant to her. I do not care.

Got drunk with my Compadre, Poon, and Old Sport. Went back to my house; my brother's bunkbeds are unstable, so Poon and Old Sport had to sleep on the bottom bunk and I slept on the floor. Poon ended up spooing Old Sport; my little sister even has a picture.

Had sex with my parents' neighbor in the backyard on my dad's lawn chair. My dad found us in the backyard the next morning; I forgot he works nights. I convinced him we did not have sex. He is so naive he still thinks I am a virgin. I am a great son. I did wash the chair though.

Celebrated M-Pie's birthday. My present to her was taking her to a hookah bar with Poon, Old Sport, Vai, Carissa, and Darth Wenis, where per her request, we carried on an old past time of ours in which we discussed our latest sexual exploits. Congratulations goes to M-Pie for shooting past second base and hitting third base. We then went back to her house where she wanted to make mimosas; instead I drank half a bottle of her dad's 16 year old scotch. M-Pie also told us a funny story of her lack of knowledge of irregular menstruations when she was in her early teens and thus, at one point, she believed she was the next "Virgin Mary" and got down on her knees at prayed to God saying she was not ready for the responsibility.

Took my little sister to her weekly soccer sports medicince training in Anaheim. Somehow I ended up recieving oral sex from one of the single soccer moms.

Watched Stepbrothers with Old Sport and BAMF. I smack-talked many of the local teens; police asked me if I was drunk; I said no(definitely a lie); they tell me to go home. I yell, "Is this how you treat an American hero? Fuck you liberal dicksuckers." How I was not arrested I do not know.

Had sex with the neighbor again.

Took Poon and Old Sport to get their first lap dances; SpeedTalker came along. I ended up having sex with a stripper.....for free. I guess playing the paratrooper card gets you laid. She would not stop talking though. I rally back with the homies only to find out Old Sport got a handjob from the stripper that gave him a lap dance. Then I found out SpeedTalker also got a handjob from her. As if I could not stop laughing already, I was told that when Poon found out she gives handjobs with the lap dance, he sought her out and also got a lap dance. Three of my friends got handjobs from the same stripper within a 30 minute time period.

Saturday sucked. First date boloed on me. I called up another girl, but she did not answer. Finally I went to see my friend who used to be my english teacher, after drinking plenty of whisky; I hid my inebriation well. After serving me several beers and a fine dinner, I take her niece on a date to the movies. She was texting the whole time which made it even harder to make a move on her considering I was quite drunk and we were watching a comedy. I take her home and go back to finish off the whisky.

I did not go to church on Sunday because my whole family tried to wake me up, but I was cold stone drunk. They should have punched me in the testicles to wake me up; anything to get me awake for God. Sunday is a blur. I probably drank more with Poon.

Monday rolls by and I finally hang out with my Godfather. He is not much older than me, actually a few years younger than Trenches; he is awesome though, always there for me when I need spiritual guidance, or to get me drunk. We did both, discussed faith, and then drank beer everytime we saw blood in the movie Gladiator; we were drunk after 45 minutes. Some old homies from church were also there and thus beer shotguns were a necessity. I also remember walking to the local 7-11 quite inebriated. I put a dip(chewing tobacco) in and after talking to one of my homies while he bought more drinks, I resultingly swallowed A LOT of dip. This was the result:

Homie: Hey are you ok?
Me: Fo shizz ma nigga! UGHHHHHHHALAAAAHHH(Vomit all over the 7-11 parking lot).
Homie: Damn dude, hahahaha.
(I take four steps)
Me: UGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHALAAAAHHH! I'm sorry 7-11 dude that has to clean this up! Ok, I'm good.
Homie: Hahahaha.
(We make it across the street)
Me: UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHALALAAAHHHAHHHA! Damn bro, I can taste the Mexican candy we ate. Makes the puke not taste so bad. Ok, NOW I'm good.

An earthquake hit Chino Hills; California was just making me feel at home. Lots of people boloed on going to the beach, so instead I went with Poon, my little sister, and my little brother to see the Dark Knight. Now my sister has a severe phobia of clowns and burn victims.

M-Pie and Carissa throw a little party for me to reunite me with some homies. I show them who is the beer bong champ. Vai tells me he will have to leave early because he is going to have a threesome; I obviously doubt him, until he shows me the text messages. I congratulate him until he tells me they are 15 years old; I call him a dirty pervert and say he is going to Hell with me. I also saw a girl who I kissed before I left for basic training; apparantly I was her first kiss; I was drunk when it happened. I ignored her presence at the party the whole night; I am a douche, I know, I do not give a fuck.

I cannot remember what happened on Thursday. All I remember was that I was depressed because I would have to leave soon. This was also when I decided sex was making me even lonelier and I should go on an abstinence stint. Yes, I am going to be abstinent from sex. Fuck all you that are laughing because you do not believe me. Bastards.

I am just about all packed and ready to leave. I decide I should have one last evening of beers and pizza with the homies. Several friends stopped by and hung out a bit. At one point one of my friends asked for a jacket because she was getting cold. We go inside to look for one while everyone is outside drinking. While I was looking for one, she was on my computer. She wanted to wear an old BDU jacket, but it had a bunch of pins in it, so instead I got one of my old ACU coats for her to wear. While she was on my computer, I finished packing. Apparantly my friends did not believe me when I told them I was abstinent because I heard this from them.

"Dude how was it?"
"Don't lie! You suck!"
"You guys were in there for an hour and then you guys came out smiling and she was wearing your Army shit!"
"Come one man, just tell us some of the details!"
"What do mean nothing happened?!?!"
"You abstinent?!?! Yeah fucking right!"

We ended up going to a hookah bar and then a few of us went back to my house, where I had the feeling Poon was going to vomit from drinking for the first time, considering he kept spitting on the grass and was leaning on the chair. He was surprised I was feeling sick considering I drank just as much as he did. When it was time to go to the airport, Poon had passed out on my bed. I was at my boarding gate two hours prior to boarding, but I waited until the last call to actually board the plane. From what I hear, that is normal, especially for soldiers stationed at Fort Polk; that is how much Fort Polk sucks.

Something else happened too, but because it may bring about assault and battery charges, I will not write about it....yet.

That was just my normal vacation for you.


Have an airborne day,
565 Airborne out.