Of Texts and Men

Just a few updates on my douchebag life. For those you who are on my friends list on Myspace and Facebook and have been reading my statuses lately, Leslie Estillete is this boodra whore who fucked with Trenches head and made him think she likes him and then stole his Star Wars movies, decided it would be fun to blatantly ignore him and started fucking random boodros around her dorm. First of all, no one fucks with my friends or their emotions. Second, I hate stupid whores. Third, Star Wars is an immaculate series and you do NOT steal any Star Wars memorabilia or such items from anyone! So Leslie Estillete can someday expect a pissed off brown kid with a nightstick at her door, there to pick up the movies and to fuck shit up in her room; and possibly take a shit in her room too.

On a brighter note though, Trenches and I have found two other boodras who seem to really dig us. Using a Facebook application, that works on the realm of Match.com, a cute girl started talking to me. Go ahead and laugh if you want, but she is very attractive and would do anything for me. Besides, my cousin Luigi got his girlfriend through Facebook, and though I hate to admit it because I like pissing her off, Tracie is hot and not some other dumb, slutty bitch. I feel weird complimenting her though, so FUCK YOU TRACIE, you damn walking clitoris. Last weekend, while we were drunk, Trenches thought it would be funny to text this girl that found me on Facebook. Since then she has been talking to him too, attempting to seek friend approval and asking for advice on how to impress me. Seeing as how Trenches is a true and honest friend he told me, "I told her to be herself and not try to force anything... to just let things happen as they will and to cook you Mexican food and desserts cuz you eat like a fat guy."
Much like any other federal holiday, we were given a four day weekend for Labor Day. However, Hurrican Gustav, a possible category 4, is about to hit Louisiana in a few days, and unlike everyone else on post who is swarming the Commissay, Post Exchange, local Walmarts, and gas stations for supplies, food, and water, Trenches and I chose to stock up on chewing tobacco and seeds and get outlandishly drunk. After work on Thursday we went to Steak and Bitches, where as an inside joke, a fellow soldier bought Trenches a martini, which of course I drank like a shot of liquor. After I got back to my room, I drank some beer like a fish and knocked out. The next day though, my roommate and his girlfriend invited us to a Mexican restaurant-run by Puerto Ricans, those saltwater Mexicans- and then to go bowling with them. The bowling was fun, especially when Trenches was drunk and my roommate's girlfriend told him about a woman she wants him to meet. Of course he said, "I don't mind dating a chick that has a kid, at least I know she puts out." When I realized there was not going to be any NCO's at the bowling alley, I decided to start drinking and to catch up. It did not take me long to catch up with the Jack and Coke mixes that Ski was buying. After a good hour, I was well sauced myself.

We began bowling by swinging the ball aroundthe back of our legs when I thought it would be funny to make this bet: "Dude, how about, whoever bowls a strike with a in-between-the-legs-bowl, makes the other one text J*** and tell her she's falling for her!" In retrospect it was a win-win situation for him; either I lose and I admit to her that I like her, or Trenches loses and has to tell her. I bowled a strike on the second frame. I was rolling on the floor laughing while Trenches sunk to his knees as he realized he would have lie to tell a 17 year old girl obviously interested in me, and tell her he likes her. She did not text or call either of us the rest of the night.
After the bowling alley closed, we were going to go to this shitty dive of a club, until Trenches educed us into going to a shitty dive of a strip club. This was a bad idea considering Ski was with us, and the strip club atmosphere runs in the blood of every greasy, wop, deigo. We continued the drinking while we watched strippers dance and kiss Trenches. One even put a piece of ice in her mouth, kissed his neck, and then passed him the piece of ice with her tongue. The last hour we were there was spent with Ski trying to convince one of the strippers to give Trenches a blowjob. He was so successful, not only was she willing to blow Trenches, but she wanted to fuck Ski too. Fucking wop. The next day we wake up, and decide to make Staff Sergeant Rojo cook lunch for us, which was delicious. Job well done Rojo. While at Rojo's house, we called and texted my girl from Shreveport to see if she would say anything about the text Trenches sent her. She was mature enough to tell Trenches it was just the alcohol talking, and told me the truth about the text. This girl is awesome, cute and mature for her age. After some time, she has Trenches text her friend that is with her, and he has been texting her since. Hopefully she is as attractive physically as she is interesting. Then Trenches and I can both stop trying to kill ourselves because we have no women. Hopefully it works out for us.

Not such an interesting weekend, but at least Ski and I got strippers to make out with Trenches.



Have an airborne day,
565 Airborne out.