Of Texts and Men

Just a few updates on my douchebag life. For those you who are on my friends list on Myspace and Facebook and have been reading my statuses lately, Leslie Estillete is this boodra whore who fucked with Trenches head and made him think she likes him and then stole his Star Wars movies, decided it would be fun to blatantly ignore him and started fucking random boodros around her dorm. First of all, no one fucks with my friends or their emotions. Second, I hate stupid whores. Third, Star Wars is an immaculate series and you do NOT steal any Star Wars memorabilia or such items from anyone! So Leslie Estillete can someday expect a pissed off brown kid with a nightstick at her door, there to pick up the movies and to fuck shit up in her room; and possibly take a shit in her room too.

On a brighter note though, Trenches and I have found two other boodras who seem to really dig us. Using a Facebook application, that works on the realm of Match.com, a cute girl started talking to me. Go ahead and laugh if you want, but she is very attractive and would do anything for me. Besides, my cousin Luigi got his girlfriend through Facebook, and though I hate to admit it because I like pissing her off, Tracie is hot and not some other dumb, slutty bitch. I feel weird complimenting her though, so FUCK YOU TRACIE, you damn walking clitoris. Last weekend, while we were drunk, Trenches thought it would be funny to text this girl that found me on Facebook. Since then she has been talking to him too, attempting to seek friend approval and asking for advice on how to impress me. Seeing as how Trenches is a true and honest friend he told me, "I told her to be herself and not try to force anything... to just let things happen as they will and to cook you Mexican food and desserts cuz you eat like a fat guy."
Much like any other federal holiday, we were given a four day weekend for Labor Day. However, Hurrican Gustav, a possible category 4, is about to hit Louisiana in a few days, and unlike everyone else on post who is swarming the Commissay, Post Exchange, local Walmarts, and gas stations for supplies, food, and water, Trenches and I chose to stock up on chewing tobacco and seeds and get outlandishly drunk. After work on Thursday we went to Steak and Bitches, where as an inside joke, a fellow soldier bought Trenches a martini, which of course I drank like a shot of liquor. After I got back to my room, I drank some beer like a fish and knocked out. The next day though, my roommate and his girlfriend invited us to a Mexican restaurant-run by Puerto Ricans, those saltwater Mexicans- and then to go bowling with them. The bowling was fun, especially when Trenches was drunk and my roommate's girlfriend told him about a woman she wants him to meet. Of course he said, "I don't mind dating a chick that has a kid, at least I know she puts out." When I realized there was not going to be any NCO's at the bowling alley, I decided to start drinking and to catch up. It did not take me long to catch up with the Jack and Coke mixes that Ski was buying. After a good hour, I was well sauced myself.

We began bowling by swinging the ball aroundthe back of our legs when I thought it would be funny to make this bet: "Dude, how about, whoever bowls a strike with a in-between-the-legs-bowl, makes the other one text J*** and tell her she's falling for her!" In retrospect it was a win-win situation for him; either I lose and I admit to her that I like her, or Trenches loses and has to tell her. I bowled a strike on the second frame. I was rolling on the floor laughing while Trenches sunk to his knees as he realized he would have lie to tell a 17 year old girl obviously interested in me, and tell her he likes her. She did not text or call either of us the rest of the night.
After the bowling alley closed, we were going to go to this shitty dive of a club, until Trenches educed us into going to a shitty dive of a strip club. This was a bad idea considering Ski was with us, and the strip club atmosphere runs in the blood of every greasy, wop, deigo. We continued the drinking while we watched strippers dance and kiss Trenches. One even put a piece of ice in her mouth, kissed his neck, and then passed him the piece of ice with her tongue. The last hour we were there was spent with Ski trying to convince one of the strippers to give Trenches a blowjob. He was so successful, not only was she willing to blow Trenches, but she wanted to fuck Ski too. Fucking wop. The next day we wake up, and decide to make Staff Sergeant Rojo cook lunch for us, which was delicious. Job well done Rojo. While at Rojo's house, we called and texted my girl from Shreveport to see if she would say anything about the text Trenches sent her. She was mature enough to tell Trenches it was just the alcohol talking, and told me the truth about the text. This girl is awesome, cute and mature for her age. After some time, she has Trenches text her friend that is with her, and he has been texting her since. Hopefully she is as attractive physically as she is interesting. Then Trenches and I can both stop trying to kill ourselves because we have no women. Hopefully it works out for us.

Not such an interesting weekend, but at least Ski and I got strippers to make out with Trenches.



Have an airborne day,
565 Airborne out.

Regular Vacation

I know many of you want to know what happened when I was home on leave. Considering I was drunk or hungover 98% of the time I was home, it is still difficult trying to put all the blurry images together for one coherent blog post. I would rather change the format of my blog and just list the events in no particular order.

Before I even left Louisiana I started trouble. My squad leader picked me up early and drrove me to the Alexandria International Airport, which ironically, only handles domestic flights. I bet it was all because some uneducated Louisiana hillbilly fucking boodro did not comprehend the word "International" and lacked knowledge of the word "domestic." After checking in my bags I go up stairs to the miniature security checkpoint and make a realization, I have not shaved. I look a bit Middle Eastern right now. Yessssss. I walk up to place my bag and personal items on the conveyer belt and when the TSA worker asks for my boarding pass, with a heavy Arabic accent I say, "Yes, yes. I give you pass. Me pass checkpoint. Me pass." Her reply, "No sir. I need to see your boarding pass." I say, "Oh yes here, here is pass. Careful with bag. Careful. Careful please." Sure enough I am pulled to the side, my bag is thoroughly scrutinized, and I get the white glove treatment. It took the greatest strength and restraint to refrain from laughing so hard. After they were done, I proceeded to my gate. I just played a game with airport security, when the wrong diction or body language may have dictated a threat to national security. I fucking rule. As I board the plane, I realize my seat, which should have had no one next to me, has a woman with so much makeup on that smell makes me nauseous. I decide to fuck with her head so she will request a seat change. I put my bag up and just stare at her. "Is this your seat?" I blabber, "Mallekakka dirka dirka Mohammed al tadr shiha." She gets up and requests a seat change. Since the plane is pretty vacant we both get what we want. She wants to be a bigot and not sit next to me, because she thinks I am Arabic, and I get the seat next to me to stretch my legs and sleep. I am a douche, I know. Be jealous.

Talked to Felicia. I was quite cold, and distant to her. I do not care.

Got drunk with my Compadre, Poon, and Old Sport. Went back to my house; my brother's bunkbeds are unstable, so Poon and Old Sport had to sleep on the bottom bunk and I slept on the floor. Poon ended up spooing Old Sport; my little sister even has a picture.

Had sex with my parents' neighbor in the backyard on my dad's lawn chair. My dad found us in the backyard the next morning; I forgot he works nights. I convinced him we did not have sex. He is so naive he still thinks I am a virgin. I am a great son. I did wash the chair though.

Celebrated M-Pie's birthday. My present to her was taking her to a hookah bar with Poon, Old Sport, Vai, Carissa, and Darth Wenis, where per her request, we carried on an old past time of ours in which we discussed our latest sexual exploits. Congratulations goes to M-Pie for shooting past second base and hitting third base. We then went back to her house where she wanted to make mimosas; instead I drank half a bottle of her dad's 16 year old scotch. M-Pie also told us a funny story of her lack of knowledge of irregular menstruations when she was in her early teens and thus, at one point, she believed she was the next "Virgin Mary" and got down on her knees at prayed to God saying she was not ready for the responsibility.

Took my little sister to her weekly soccer sports medicince training in Anaheim. Somehow I ended up recieving oral sex from one of the single soccer moms.

Watched Stepbrothers with Old Sport and BAMF. I smack-talked many of the local teens; police asked me if I was drunk; I said no(definitely a lie); they tell me to go home. I yell, "Is this how you treat an American hero? Fuck you liberal dicksuckers." How I was not arrested I do not know.

Had sex with the neighbor again.

Took Poon and Old Sport to get their first lap dances; SpeedTalker came along. I ended up having sex with a stripper.....for free. I guess playing the paratrooper card gets you laid. She would not stop talking though. I rally back with the homies only to find out Old Sport got a handjob from the stripper that gave him a lap dance. Then I found out SpeedTalker also got a handjob from her. As if I could not stop laughing already, I was told that when Poon found out she gives handjobs with the lap dance, he sought her out and also got a lap dance. Three of my friends got handjobs from the same stripper within a 30 minute time period.

Saturday sucked. First date boloed on me. I called up another girl, but she did not answer. Finally I went to see my friend who used to be my english teacher, after drinking plenty of whisky; I hid my inebriation well. After serving me several beers and a fine dinner, I take her niece on a date to the movies. She was texting the whole time which made it even harder to make a move on her considering I was quite drunk and we were watching a comedy. I take her home and go back to finish off the whisky.

I did not go to church on Sunday because my whole family tried to wake me up, but I was cold stone drunk. They should have punched me in the testicles to wake me up; anything to get me awake for God. Sunday is a blur. I probably drank more with Poon.

Monday rolls by and I finally hang out with my Godfather. He is not much older than me, actually a few years younger than Trenches; he is awesome though, always there for me when I need spiritual guidance, or to get me drunk. We did both, discussed faith, and then drank beer everytime we saw blood in the movie Gladiator; we were drunk after 45 minutes. Some old homies from church were also there and thus beer shotguns were a necessity. I also remember walking to the local 7-11 quite inebriated. I put a dip(chewing tobacco) in and after talking to one of my homies while he bought more drinks, I resultingly swallowed A LOT of dip. This was the result:

Homie: Hey are you ok?
Me: Fo shizz ma nigga! UGHHHHHHHALAAAAHHH(Vomit all over the 7-11 parking lot).
Homie: Damn dude, hahahaha.
(I take four steps)
Me: UGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHALAAAAHHH! I'm sorry 7-11 dude that has to clean this up! Ok, I'm good.
Homie: Hahahaha.
(We make it across the street)
Me: UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHALALAAAHHHAHHHA! Damn bro, I can taste the Mexican candy we ate. Makes the puke not taste so bad. Ok, NOW I'm good.

An earthquake hit Chino Hills; California was just making me feel at home. Lots of people boloed on going to the beach, so instead I went with Poon, my little sister, and my little brother to see the Dark Knight. Now my sister has a severe phobia of clowns and burn victims.

M-Pie and Carissa throw a little party for me to reunite me with some homies. I show them who is the beer bong champ. Vai tells me he will have to leave early because he is going to have a threesome; I obviously doubt him, until he shows me the text messages. I congratulate him until he tells me they are 15 years old; I call him a dirty pervert and say he is going to Hell with me. I also saw a girl who I kissed before I left for basic training; apparantly I was her first kiss; I was drunk when it happened. I ignored her presence at the party the whole night; I am a douche, I know, I do not give a fuck.

I cannot remember what happened on Thursday. All I remember was that I was depressed because I would have to leave soon. This was also when I decided sex was making me even lonelier and I should go on an abstinence stint. Yes, I am going to be abstinent from sex. Fuck all you that are laughing because you do not believe me. Bastards.

I am just about all packed and ready to leave. I decide I should have one last evening of beers and pizza with the homies. Several friends stopped by and hung out a bit. At one point one of my friends asked for a jacket because she was getting cold. We go inside to look for one while everyone is outside drinking. While I was looking for one, she was on my computer. She wanted to wear an old BDU jacket, but it had a bunch of pins in it, so instead I got one of my old ACU coats for her to wear. While she was on my computer, I finished packing. Apparantly my friends did not believe me when I told them I was abstinent because I heard this from them.

"Dude how was it?"
"Don't lie! You suck!"
"You guys were in there for an hour and then you guys came out smiling and she was wearing your Army shit!"
"Come one man, just tell us some of the details!"
"What do mean nothing happened?!?!"
"You abstinent?!?! Yeah fucking right!"

We ended up going to a hookah bar and then a few of us went back to my house, where I had the feeling Poon was going to vomit from drinking for the first time, considering he kept spitting on the grass and was leaning on the chair. He was surprised I was feeling sick considering I drank just as much as he did. When it was time to go to the airport, Poon had passed out on my bed. I was at my boarding gate two hours prior to boarding, but I waited until the last call to actually board the plane. From what I hear, that is normal, especially for soldiers stationed at Fort Polk; that is how much Fort Polk sucks.

Something else happened too, but because it may bring about assault and battery charges, I will not write about it....yet.

That was just my normal vacation for you.


Have an airborne day,
565 Airborne out.

Racism

Fucking Beaners, Niggers, Kikes, Wops, Greasers, Ruskies, Camel Jockeys, Micks, Honkies, Macks, Spics, Porch Monkeys, Sheenies, Gooks, Krauts, Limeys, White Trash Inbreds, Gingers, and Canucks.


Let me dwell into a world no one ever dares to: racial slurs. If you feel you may be offended based on what you read so far, you are probably a person who judges books by their covers and should not be reading my blog anyways. Now I know many are waiting to read about my vacation in Los Angeles a few weeks back, but two recent events have sparked a greater sense of importance in my mind. A few days ago the dumb fucking idiot, JacksOff-HandsOn, said she was offended by the use of the word "nigger." This is the situation in which the word was used, verbatim:

Stretch: Fucking Ski, that wop, dago, guinea pollack!
Do-Ham: Shut your mouth you fucking stinky ass hippie shit!
Me: You shut up you fucking buck-toothed, inbred, honky, sister-fuck.
Tammy: Fucking educated beaners.
Me: Fuck you.
Everyone: HAHAHAHA.
Sheeny: I still can't believe how much racism exists today.
Me: It's xenophobia and ignorance dude. I guess it takes being part of a great melting pot like the Army to avoid that shit.
Sheeny: Yeah seriously. Like when I was at Ozzfest two weeks ago I heard some guy say, "There should be another line for spics and niggers."
Me: Hahaha fucking Texans, buncha queers.
JacksOff-HandsOn: That word offends me!
Tammy: Texans???
Everyone: Hahaha.
*JacksOff-HandsOn is black.

It is obvious that Sheeny did not use the word "nigger" in a derogatory manner, but was merely explaining to us an incident. However, JacksOff-HandsOn, being the fucking moron that she is, complained to our sergeants about this use of "nigger." Notice how only "nigger" bothered her, but all the racial slurs preceding it, did not offend her. Before I state my opinion, I want to mention key things Staff Sergeant Dizzle and our platoon sergeant, BossMan, mentioned as they arbitrated the incident. SSG Dizzle said, "If one racial slur offends you, they should all offend you! And if the word 'nigger' offends you, then I find it hard to see how y'all can listen to rap which uses it often. I hate hypocrisy!" Then BossMan retorted with, "In fact y'all should grow some thicker skin. I hear y'all say racist shit to each other all the time, yet it seems to bring unity and make y'all work together more. Unless it is used with sincere hate, y'all should stop bitching and whining." I could not agree more. There are some people who should be born mute, and JacksOff-HandsOn is one of those people. Every day she is unhappy or miserable, I feel such great ebullience in life and cannot help, but walk ecstatically.

Now that I am on the subject of the word "nigger," I want to discuss the difference between the racial slur "nigger" and the word, "nigga" which is a colloquial term acknowledging friendship. Unless you are over 50 years old, or are not one to have ANY interaction with society, it is obvious there is a difference between "nigger" and "nigga."

Since my little sister began following in my steps and started adapting a behavior marked by cynicism and clever remarks, she began to bully me about being the darkest one in our family. Everyone, being paternal and maternal aunts, uncles, and cousins, is nicely tanned, whereas I am, well dark as fuck in comparison to them. Being ironic, I always called my sister, "my lil nigga." I never felt any discomfort in saying it because I always had a myriad of friends from all races, including black ones, who had no problem with me calling them, "my niggas." Thus, applying the terminology of my friends, as well as my own stemming from my Mexican ancestry, I referred to my friends as "vatos, homies, homes, and niggas." Seeing as how I have not seen my little sister, whom I love dearly, in seven months, I was more than joyed to spend time with "my lil nigga." However, seeing as how my family lives in a suburb of Los Angeles, it is uncommon to hear "nigga," so of course my dad felt uncomfortable knowing that someone, especially someone who should feel nothing but indifference, would be offended, and he was right.

While I was on leave, I connected my laptop to the house DSL line, because I would just leave it on all day and night. I had a habit of leaving my facebook, AIM, and myspace logged in whie I left and my sister chose to exploit this fault. She would have conversations with my friends using my AIM screen name, but most of all she took great pleasure in fucking around with my myspace profile, before logging on to her own. However, she was just as forgetful in signing out so I would retaliate and fuck with her myspace profile as well, thus sparking a "fuck with each other's myspace" war. One thing I happened to change on her profile which she did not notice was her "Who I'd Like to Meet" in which I wrote, "Already met my fav niggas!." A week after I came back from leave, we exchanged these messages:
*My sister is almost 12 years old.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Liz
Date: Aug 7, 2008 11:41 PM

uuugggghhhh freakin kuya!!!!!!!!!!!
*Kuya means "big brother" in Tagalog. I am Fillipino and Mexican.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Iceman
Date: Aug 7, 2008 9:51 PM

wtf Chuch!
*Chuch is a term of endearment Poon came up with for his sister and I stole it from him, because at the request of my dad, I would stop calling my sister "my lil nigga." In a drunken state, he said, "Well in spanish 'chula' means 'pretty' and my sister is religious and goes to church all the time, so I put 'chula' and 'church' to make 'Chuch.' I just started saying it when I came home drunk one day and she was the first person I saw."

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Liz
Date: Aug 7, 2008 11:53 PM

okay ssooo my so called friend read my "who id like to meet" section!her step dad is blackhold on i'll send you her stupid msg

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Iceman
Date: Aug 7, 2008 9:55 PM

hahaha ok

----------------- Original Message -------------------
From: Liz
Date: Aug 7, 2008 11:57 PM

exuse me you say nigga that offends me n my dad n u dont have me on your top thats just mest up .................well.........................................................................................................................bye

lizzie-ssoo yeah whatever,i deleted everything that got her pissed off

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Iceman
Date: Aug 7, 2008 10:00 PM

pssssh fuck that nigga chuch, she is just mad shes not on your top
she doesn't know how to spell anyways, she's a fucking idiot

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Liz
Date: Aug 7, 2008 10:15 PM

lol i know



Curious about the situation, I called my sister last friday on my lunch break to see if there was any update.

Me: Hey Mom, lemme talk to Chuch.
Sister: Hi Kuya!
Me: Hey Chuch, did your idiot friend message you back?
Sis: No she hasn't replied or talked to me since.
Me: Fuck her anwyays. Just don't tell Dad ok?
Sis: Freakin' duhhh! He'll just call and get mad at you, he will beat my ass! Got to go, bye!
Me: Peace, nigga.

It was not fifteen minutes when my dad called me and we had this conversation.

Dad: What the hell?!?! I told you someone would be offended!
Me: What???
Dad: Gabi's dad just called me about the word "nigger" on your sister's page, and I know you are the one who did it!
Me: Bullshit! I put "nigga." Big difference! Wait, is Gabi's dad, Brian? The guy I met at one of Chuch's soccer games?
Dad: Still though! I warned you this would happen. Now he's pissed off! And yes, that's him.
Me: Dad! He's not even black! He just has black skin. That bastard grew up in Beverly Hills! Now he lives on Spyglass Hill! The RICHEST NEIGHBORHOOD OF WHITTIER! He shouldn't have been offended! It doesn't apply to him! He should feel offended if I called him a fucking honky!
Dad: JESUS! SHUT UP! Here is his number! 562-698-****! Call him and apologize!
Me: Fuck no dude!
Dad: For your sister's sake.
Me: Low blow dude, not cool. Fine. I'll call right now. Talk to you later Dad.
Dad: Thank you. Bye.

As I dialed the number and contemplated what I would say, I remembered something important, I am the Iceman, one who has a cold heart marked by asserting authority and intelligence over those who are weak while attempting to shatter their dreams and souls. This is the conversation we had over the phone:

Brian: Hello?
Me: Hi, my name is PFC Iceman with the United States Army. I am calling on behalf of my sister, Elizabeth.
Brian: Ahh yes. So you're calling about the incident.
Me: Yes I am. I just want to assert that it was a misunderstanding and I shouldn't have to be calling you.
Brian: So it seems we are on the same page.
Me: So you know you overreacted. Excellent!
Brian: Overreacted?!?! You used a racial slur!!!
Me: Hey! Don't raise your fucking voice at me you fucking civi! I'm trying to resolve this in an adult manner.
Brian: WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?!?!
Me: I said calm down fucker! I will break your neck with my penis if you don't stop yelling in the phone!
Brian: Well I am outraged at the fact a racial slur offended me and you can't realize that!
Me: Hey idiot! I never used a racial slur!
Brian: You wrote "nigger" on your sister's myspace!
Me: You are just the most xenophobic, ignorant piece of shit! I wrote "nigga," not "nigger!"
Brian: It is the same thing!
Me: No it is not! Wait, weren't you born and raised in Beverly Hills?!
Brian: What does that have to do with anything!
Me: EVERYTHING! You just have a dark skin complexion! You know nothing about being "black" or being raised in an urban enviroment! You should not have been offended at all! It does not apply to you!!!
Brian: You are just some dumb, punk loser who enlisted!
Me: That was mature, you racist motherfuck! And for your information I applied to UCLA and Columbia, and was accepted, based on my academic excellence and not by having my dad buy off the admissions office or without me sucking dick and swallowing sperm, unlike you spoiled jackoff! I enlisted to serve my nation so you have the freedom to keep sucking dick behind your wife's back, who has great tits I will admit.
Brian: This conversation is over.
Me: Good talking to you homie. Peace out nigga!!

As if I could not be further satisfied with angering a spoiled rich man, my dad left this message in my voicemail the next day:

"Well I hope you're happy. Gabi's dad transferred her to another middle school and pulled her off the soccer team so they can avoid any association with us."

Even more so, my delight was further tickled when my sister left this message in my voicemail:

"Hey Kuya. I'm sure you heard Dad's message by now. I just wanted to say don't worry about me losing friends or being ostracized by the school faculty. The faculty still remembers your accomplishments and acted as if nothing happened and all my friends think you are the coolest person ever. I am more popular than ever before! Love you, bye!

I know by now you have innumerable thoughts running through your head, but are speechless. Yes I went there, and proved a point. They should take this blog post and teach it in a sociology class. Peace out niggas!

Have an airborne day,
565 Airborne, out.