Me a Jody!?! No, Not Really, So It's Ok

In case you did not read my last blog, which was quite a juicy story as I am told, for the past week I have been spending quite some time with a girl, or as Sergeant Trenches put it, "Translation: You fuck a lot." The truth is we have been fucking, well a lot. The relationship we have is almost the perfect situation. She would come over, usually late at night so that no one would see her, not that I was ashamed of her or she is ugly, because she is rather attractive, but so that the gossiping bitches and bastards around my barracks do not spread my business. We would talk a bit, then some kissing, then some foreplay and the sex. We would wake up early to shower and get ready so she could leave prior to any of my sergeants showing up at my room for their daily room inspections. What made this even better is that while I was in the shower, she would clean and sweep my room, make the bed, and even take out a fresh set of ACU's(advanced combat uniform; it is the fatigues soldiers wear nowadays) and put my nametapes and airborne wings on it! It was great. I was still a bit of an asshole to her, but I held it back a bit as my way of showing appreciation; fuck I even did some of her laundry when she left her clothes in my room. I was living life, Tucker Max style, until someone had to tap into my head and bring back the remorseful person I can be.

My cousin Luigi has a girlfriend, with whom he is in love and deeply infatuated with. Seeing as how family always looks out for each other, Luigi tried getting me to flirt with his girlfriend's older sister....over the internet. Now if this sister was my age, I just may have done it, but I doubt that women in their mid-twenties would really appreciate innuendos in their inbox. After just a short time of being in a relationship with her, Luigi's girlfriend hears much about me from him. This is probably due to me hanging out with my cousin quite often, or he may have told her stories of the horrible person I am, thinking they are funny tales. Needless to say, his girlfriend becomes curious of me and begins talking to me online. She is witty and clever as she is pretty. Well done Luigi; it is comforting to know my family has good taste in the people they date. Well after seeing my constant pathetic advertisement of my blog on my facebook, she becomes curious as to what I am talking about. She wants to read my stories and judge for herself whether they are worthy of the praise I give to my own writing. She does seem to enjoy them as she sends me this message:

"So I read your blogs and in some paragraphs you do sound a little on the sociopathic side but nevertheless very entertaining hahaha."

Little did I know she would be a follow up reader of my blog. Some people have read my blog, enjoyed a few stories and never looked at it again. She actually returned to my page to check out a recent post. That recent post is the one before this titled, "I Also Wonder Why Girls Have Sex With Me." After reading that story, she sent me this message:

"I just read your latest blog and thought I'd let you know that you're going to hell. ;) And FYI the reason girls still want to mess around with you even after you're an ass to them is because how badly a guy mistreats a girl is directly proportional to how much she'll like him (in most cases, there are exceptions). I don't care how many chicks try to deny it and say they like 'nice guys', it's bs."

Oh shit! This was some of the most intelligent and sociological observant words I had heard in awhile. It made so much sense too! For many years I had friends who would hook up with douchebags and blab, "No he is really a nice guy and treats me better than other guys and blah blah blah blah." Now I know, my friends were full of bullshit! Hahaha. I was in a state of epiphany and direct understanding; there was no bullshit, no euphemisms of life, just straight comprehension of the dating world which I had misinterpreted for so many years. Hey I am still young though, 19 years fucking young, and my life is trial and error anyways, so this was just some wisdom I could hold onto and validate the gray hairs I have so proudly named wisdom hairs. I was also pissed though; this realization meant I did not always have to be the nice kid all my life. I had that window to be the complete asshole I wanted to be on certain occasions, and girls would have still liked me. At this point I was thinking, "What the fuck! You were wrong dad! You set me up for failure." I did not dwell on it, I just laugh about it now. I cannot wait to have this conversation with my dad though. "Hey dad, nice guys do finish last you bastard."

Then I hit a major obstacle; I was reflecting on my life and how I have changed since I joined the army and have started following the ways of Tucker Max. I was becoming THAT guy, the one that destroys self esteem in women and is the cause for beautiful women morphing into butch lesbians with mullets that decide to join extremist feminist organizations that proudly proclaim, "Fuck the male population! I shall no longer shave my armpits or vagina, yet I will still walk around nude!!!" Fuck you lezbos, you need the penis population as much as we need the vagina community. Apart from rekindling the fiery hatred for extremist feminists, I was pondering on how the girl I was sleeping with felt about my behavior towards her. Damn. I knew I was not going to be capable of having sex with her until we cleared the air.

Two days ago, the movie "Don't Mess With The Zohan" came out in theatres. Seeing as how there is so little to do around Fort Polk besides heavy drinking, womanizing, and well, just being a dirtbag, there is always the movie theatre, the greatest escapism incarnate since the days of when my grandpa was a teenager. Well no, not THAT long ago. Sergeant Trenches, a fellow filipino buddy and I decide to spend some of our well earned money and eat at the only steakhouse in the area prior to the showing of the movie. From this point on in the evening, hilarity ensues. It starts off with this conversation I have with my girl.

Me: Hey let's go to the movies.
Her: When? What time?
Me: At six.
Her: It's five-thirty!!! That gives me half an hour to get ready! I'm not even in my room, I'm at the gym!
Me: What the fuck! Just get moving! All you need to do is shower, you don't need dress up or anything. No need to impress anyone, you're already having sex with me. You're good. I just want you to meet some of my friends. Oh and bring some of your friends, but they have to be attractive, you know for my buddies. I don't wanna be greedy and be the only guy going to dinner and the movies with a girl.
Her: Ugh!!!! How am I supposed to do that!!! I only have thirty fucking minutes!!! I don't even know your friends and you want me to hook them up with my friends?!?!
Me: Hey I don't know your stupid friends so I'm also going out on a limb here. For all I know you would be taking some fat sea cows for my friends, then I look like a douchebag.
Her: Well sometimes you are a douchebag! I don't know why I even get all dolled up for you when you're just gonna fuck me anyways!!!
Me: Well sometimes I wonder why I fuck your stupid ass! Just get ready. We'll go to dinner and you and your friends can meet us at the theatre, and if they can't go, you can at least meet Sergeant Trenches. Then we can come back to my room and maybe I'll go down on you. If you deserve it.
Her: Fine. Ass. Call me before you leave the restaurant. You'll go down anyways. Love you. :Hangs up:

She was right. I would anyways. I was in shock though. She said, "Love you" before she hung up. I was confused. Then I remembered how young girls can loosely throw those two words around. I also contemplated if she meant it. My ego inflates. I prefer the latter explanation. I refrained form telling Sergeant Trenches though. He would have made fun of me the whole night, I chose to blog about it instead and have him read it.

We get to the restaurant and more fun occurs. My filipino comrade, Vegas, speaks his mind. It is hilarious. Many people in our company despise him because of this; fuck them, they suck anyways. What is even funnier about Vegas, is that he is well built and muscular. There are few people who would dare tell him to shut up. I told Sergeant Trenches that I call "dibs" on the waittress in the purple shirt. Vegas asked what we are talking about and we told him about the game and he cracks up when we told him who we have called "dibs" on from our battalion. A very heavy set woman walks into the part of the restaurant where we are seated and Vegas immediately says, "Yeaaaah! I call dibs on that chick!" Sergeant Trenches and I laughed so hard we felt like we could not breathe. After we finished eating, we went over to the movie theatre. I forgot to call my girl. We arrived at the theatre only to be told that the 7:40 showing is sold out but there are plenty of tickets open for the 10:20 showing. Not wanting to sit around almost three hours we leave. Sergeant Trenches points out a hot lieutenant from our combat lifesaver class. I called "dibs." We decide to go to Walmart as to not waste gas driving from post to Leesville. Walking around Walmart we noticed there was an interminable number of attractive underage girls and cursed them for wearing their sun dresses. Vegas was taking the "dibs" game seriously and only called it on the most obese women he could find. We left Walmart and came back on post early. It was only 9:30.

I went to my room, logged on to my internet pages, and was about to call my girl. Then tragedy struck. Someone knocked on my door and I mistakingly opened it without checking to see who it was through my peephole. It was this crazy chick with serious mental sociopath problems that fucked almost all the males in the barracks. In fact, one guy noted this by saying, "All you have to do is say 'hi.'" I hated being around her. All she ever does is bitch and whine about how she should have a certain rank and how everyone is out to fuck her life over. Yeah, whatever fuckhead. I am only nice to her because she is the person that will bitch to your face everyday. I do not need that shit. I just kept typing away on my computer while she blabbed away and talked on the phone. Around ten thirty one of my best friends called me. I went outside to talk on the phone because I did not want that psycho bitch to taint a good conversation by butting in and bugging while I was on the phone. I went back in my room and this bitch pissed me off! She was on my computer without my permission, shopping for fucking dildos. FUCKING DILDOS!!!!! Then she starts talking about how she has one that hurts her clit. I instantly gagged and almost threw up. I sent a text to Sergeant Trenches asking if he was still awake. My plan was to text him and have him come to my room with some bullshit lie about having to go to our workplace, that way I could leave and get that fucking creep out of my room. Unfortunately for me, he had passed out already. However, a buddy from my platoon, Bullion, came to my room looking for ketchup. I do not have any but I start small chit chat with him so he stays. We were talking when that fucking creeper butts in our conversation. We got outside so he can smoke while we talk and finally that fucking bitch leaves us alone. I thanked Bullion for saving me and told him I was likely to cower in the corner of my room and cry if she was to start making sexual advances on me. Agh! How much I hate nasty whores!

Bullion retired to his room for the night and I decided to call my girl over. She came over instantly and pounced on me. She was so horny from not having sex for only two days! I found out I was still very much capable of having sex with her, knowing I mistreated her. At least I never hit her or told her she was worthless. I just talk like an asshole to her. I then told her what had happened the whole night and why I forgot to call her. Then we had this conversation.

Her: Yeah I was not going to show up to the movies alone anyways.
Me: Haha, yeah you would have looked like a loser and I would have made fun of you.
Her: Fuck you asshole! Hahaha.
Me: Hey out of the spontaneity of conversation, what is it about me that keeps you coming back? I have realized I can be a real jerk to you, I'm not that coldhearted.
Her: It's cause I like that you're an asshole. A lot of the guys around here act like such fucking pussies and I fucking hate the Geronimos. That and I'm pissed off at my boyfriend.
Me: You have a boyfriend?!?!? What the fuck!?!? I'M A JODY!!!!
Her: Yeah I do and yeah kinda, but not really. He's not in the military. He goes to school in Baltimore. So it's ok.
Me: Oh ok I guess. Wait, so your boyfriend cheated on you?
Her: I don't know, but he tried to lie to me about dating other girls while I'm stationed here so I wouldn't put it past him. I doubt he has that kinda game though. He's the kinda guy that is scared about masturbating.
Me: Hah! Loser. So your boyfriend went on a few dates with other girls, could be cheating but most likely isn't, and you felt this was enough for you to justify going out and fucking me?
Her: Yeah pretty much. Well I'm going to break up with him when I go on leave, and I'd rather tell him about you and the sex, then just breaking up. It puts the power in my hands.
Me: Good deal. So you don't ever get tired of how I treat you?
Her: Well you treat me alright. You did my laundry a few times, you don't tell the whole post we're having sex that way it stays between us, and I don't have a problem with your attitude. It's actually a bit arousing. Girls rarely go out with nice guys. We are usually likely to stay with a guy eventhough he is an asshole depending on how much we like him.

We had some intense sex after that. I was amazed by what was said. She had said the same thing Luigi's girlfriend told me. This was quite the interesting week. I can carry on with my life and go back to fucking this girl's brains out, because that is what she wants. It is a win-win situation and everybody is happy.




Have an airborne day,
565 Airborne out.