Problematic Roommates

Ever since I was nine years old, it seemed I had a roommate. At first it was my little sister and despite her having her own room, she always wanted to sleep in the top bunk in my room because like any other normal little kid, the dark terrified her. By the time she started sleeping in her own room, my little brother was too old for the crib and thus began sleeping in my room. Actually it then became OUR room, but I did not mind. That is until he started talking in his sleep. Random laughter or clear, coherent talking in the middle of the night absolutely freaked the shit out of me. Then after a few years my little brother started randomly sleeping in the living room, almost alternating the days he slept in our room. Hearing laughter in the middle of the night from the living room was even freakier! It seemed from then on I would have a problem with whomever roomed with me.

In basic training my room was so large that it fit twelve bunks, twelve wall lockers and still had plenty of space. There was no way that we twelve of us would live in peace for nine weeks. My buddy Ghetto always had the fan point at him only, Caraballo would make sure we felt more homesick by reminding us what was on the Taco Bell menu, Cummins always just plain bitched like the fucking spoiled little white boy he was, Denis complained about everything, my bunk mate Vaeva violently twitched in his sleep, Yandew sang Backstreet Boys for an hour thus we all lost an hour sleep at least, Cook was just a fat, nasty Gomer Pyle piece of shit, Raptor also just bitched, Kwak was nearly as nasty as Cook, Dale was annoying in every manner possible, and Ball, well everyone just hated Ball. Somehow we managed; this occured though through a few of us picking on everone else in the room, because everyone else just plain sucked. It was Ghetto, Caraballo, Vaeva, Yandew and I making everyone else in the room feel like crap. In advanced individual training it was no better. I shared a tiny room with my good friend Shallenstein and with this guy DeLaSuerte. DeLaSuerte was an alcoholic and loved to fucking fart all damn night, in a room we could not open the windows. Shallenstein was hilarious though, constantly keeping everyone up for at least ninety minutes screaming like a college girl faking an orgasm, "OH MY WET PUSSY!!!!" Then to piss everyone down our hall even more-our rooms had no doors-he would single out specific people. "OH EVANS! YOU LIKE MY WET PUSSY! RUB MY TITTIES! ALBRIGHT! YOU LIKE MY PUSSY??? WELL YOU CAN'T HAVE ANY BECAUSE YOU SUCK DICK! TEEHEE!" Needless to say Albright hated us and Evans since then has informed me that he still has problems having sex. He just keeps hearing Shallenstein in his head scream those obscenities. Shallenstein had cock blocked Evans for life.

When I arrived to my unit, 51st Chemical Company, the unit supply specialist tried to assign me my own room, but there was no luck. Little did I know, I was to be roomed with one of the unit's biggest shitbags whom I will call Weird. When I told everyone in my platoon whom I was assigned to room with, I always got the same response, "Oh shit. That sucks for you man, sorry." I was pissed off. Who was this shitbag? At first, everything worked out well. He let me use his TV and DVD player, though his movie selection sucked and he was too poor to get cable, and he let me eat some of his food. Of course, I did not abuse the welcome generosity. The following weekend is when I knew my roommate would be trouble. He left with one of his hillbilly girlfriends friday night and did not return the whole weekend. Then Monday and Tuesday passed and he was still not back. His team leader, squad leader, and platoon sergeant were all asking me if I knew where he might be. I did not even know the fucking guy! I barely lived there! He finally showed up though with the dumbest excuse ever; I am still surprised he was not reprimanded and demoted. Over the months I would see him slowly drift into what I thought would be complete filth. Not only that, he was a complete bastard as well. He always ate my food, drank my beverages, used my toilet paper, and RARELY ever pitched in, that motherfucker. Also, people randomly came to my room looking for him and his prescription drugs. Not only was Weird a filthy fuckhead and a cheap asshole, he was also a drug peddler. His platoon leadership tried to crack his ass about his nasty lifestyle, so I figured it was time to get MY platoon leadership involved. This was probably the only thing my first platoon sergeant did for me, but it was a big thing; he stood up and bugged our First Sergeant about assigning everyone rooms according to platoon, thus I would not have to deal with Weird anymore. However, miracle struck. A few days beforehand, I am told that my roommate is arrested by Criminal Investigation Department for statuatory rape. Soon after he goes AWOL(Absent Without Leave; he just left without permission) and when it comes time for everyone to change rooms, I do not have to move because I have to help inventory all of Weird's nasty, filthy belongings-a common procedure when soldiers go AWOL. He comes back a few days later pissed that all his stuff was locked up by supply; well fuck you for leaving, that is what happens when you are a piece of shit. I went a few good weeks with no roommate; I was finally able to airdry after taking a shower. Then tragedy hit.

My platoon sergeant, the very one who had done me a favor, was about to screw me over. I was called into his office to discuss an "important matter." My buddy Ski and my buddy Stretch were roommates, but they were not buddies. In fact they hated each other with a passion. This was obviously visible in how they said "good morning" to each other.

Ski: Hey beatnik, how about you do some fucking work for once you no good piece of shit hippie!
Stretch: Hey fuck you! You fucking guinea wop pollack!

Yeah, they were not the best of friends. Well their daily fighting only worsened when one day, days after moving into a new room, they fought over the placement of a damn hammock, a fucking hammock. Ski had been complaining to our platoon leadership that Stretch was nasty, but I did not believe him. At this point, my platoon sergeant thought it would be a great idea to move him into my room, hoping that I would influence him to be a better soldier. It worked for no more than one week at which that point, the idea was much like communism, great in theory but fails when the human factor is applied. For that first week I made Stretch do his laundry, help clean the room, and made him work out with me after work. Then he let his life go to shit again(prior to my arrival at Fort Polk, Stretch was demoted for getting a DUI). He avoided me so I could not make him work out or keep his side of the room clean and made sure he made it back to the room in time to change and leave before I could catch him. I wanted to beat some sense into him, but my friendship with him got in the way. I was slowly watching him waste his life away to a severe case of alcoholism. He would sometimes not eat or buy food, so he would have more money to drink. I tried to confront him in concerned manner, but he merely shrugged it off as if there was no problem. Well fuck him! And fucked he was. His squad leader tried to help him out, but nothing worked. Around this time our platoon was assigned a new platoon sergeant, and I was just about tired of Stretch's filth; he had not done any laundry for two weeks and my room was smelling horrible. I was about to go to Utah on a Temporary Duty Assignment(TDY) so I decided not to start trouble until I returned. As I return from Utah, it seems Stretch did indeed fuck himself over. While I was gone, Stretch pissed hot(failed a urinalysis), was drunk on duty, caught driving his car while his license was suspended, was under investigation by CID for drug trafficking, and ultimately went AWOL. I arrived form Utah on a Friday and did not see him all weekend. No one seemed to know where he was. I began to worry and sympathize for him, until that Tuesday I had to once again help inventory an AWOL soldier's possessions; Stretch was even filthier than Weird. I fucking hated him at this point. I have decided that from now on, any future roommates must do their laundry on a daily basis, so I will not have a problem with the inventory if they choose to go AWOL.
Stretch is still AWOL.
Ever since he was officially AWOL, I have had the pleasure of being able to airdry after each shower. Also, I have been dancing to the tunes of KC & The Sunshine Band. Naked. Every night.



Have an airborne day.