DJizzle, the Dugway Proving Gangstas, and JT aka Ms. Tiny Blond Bitch

Sometime in April of 2008, Sgt Trenches was commissioned to put together a small team to do some testing at Dugway Proving Ground in Utah in early May. I was picked to go because of the hard work and long days I have put in when others just quit or ditched work like the rat bastard sons of bitches they are. Yes, I do work hard. The team turned out to be a staff sergeant, Sergeant Trenches, one of my buddies, and myself. The work we did there is not all that interesting for story, but rather what we did with our free time.

After months of working for 51st Chemical Company, working at Utah was almost paid vacation to us. The staff sergeant and my buddy pretty much did their own thing. Sgt. Trenches and I just about hung out all the time especially since our rooms were adjoined through a small living room we shared. One day Sgt. Trenches buys the movie "Juno" from the shoppette so of course I watch it too as it is one of my favorite movies. Anyone who has seen the movie knows that the movie is filled with little quips and sayings characteristic unto itself. Things like "fo shizz" and "home skillet" make the movie distinguishable. Of course this provokes me to change my vernacular to this sort of vocabulary, and when I open a Sobe drink and under the bottle cap it says "gangster talk right?" I am inclined to keep it going. It is much harder than you think.
I figured the best place to practice my new diction was at the Community Club which is where we ate our meals when we were not on testing grounds at Dugway. Instead of ordering potatoes, I ordered "p-o-tatoes" or French fries would be "p-o-tatoes all frizzied up." The word yes would instantly be replaced with "fo shizz."

It was one day that we met this kid working there named Garrett. He reminded us instantly of Specialist Dunham, someone whom we work with. From then on we referred to him as Dunham Jr, or DJ. Since that day all we could order for dinner was pizza and fried food, pizza and fried food is what we got. When Sgt. Trenches orders his pizza, DJ asks what his name is, and me being the prankster I tell DJ his name is Trenches, not even giving him time to tell him his real name, despite the fact that DJ could probably read the nametape on his uniform. Naturally, DJ gets curious as to why he is nicknamed "Trenches." That is another story that I will save for a rainy day. Since we had to wait for our fried food anyway, I tell DJ and some of his coworkers the story of the nickname and they find this dirty story funny. All except this tiny blond girl, whom I had hoped would not hear the story anyway as it is definitely a story usually shared between close friends or males only. When we finally get our fried food, the tiny blond girl hands it over with such an attitude and a look that screamed "I hate you" that it made me want to sleep with her just because she was such a bitch. We took our food and gave a "peace out home skillet" to our newfound friends DJ and his coworkers, whom at that point, in conformity with my recent change in vocabulary, I call DJizzle and the Dugway Proving Gangstas.

Dugway Proving Ground works on a four day work week, which means the Community Club is closed Friday thru Sunday and we are left to our own accord to get food. We relied on eating various sandwiches or frozen foods from the shoppette/gas station. That Sunday happened to be my birthday and with nothing else to do, I take a walk to the shoppette to purchase frozen food and various junk foods for me to gorge on the whole day. As I walk in towards the back, who do I see there but none other than Ms. Tiny Blond Bitch. Anyone who knows me will know how much effort it took me not to start trouble at that moment, seeing as how I was cursed with a fiery tongue of talking smack and raising hell. She unknowingly started trouble.

Blond Bitch: Buying food are you?
Me: Yeah, I’m buying food not served with a damn attitude!
(Blond Bitch has a shocked look on her face)
Me: Let me ask you a question, is your attitude towards us a result of being intimidated by our military uniforms, or is it our good looks, not that you could handle a paratrooper anyways? You ought to head back with your little boyfriend now don’t you think?
(Blond Bitch’s jaw drops and she is speachless as I leave to pay my items feeling victorious but also scared that she may the Post Sergeant Major’s daughter)

Ok, so maybe she did not want to start trouble and I just went overboard. She got me back though the next day. Sgt. Trenches and I go to the Community Club for dinner only to find that our friends DJizzle and the DPG are not working that night. I order the dinner special and Sgt. Trenches orders fried food. The lasagna dinner is not ready so we both have to wait and just sit down and watch tv. After some time Ms. Tiny Blond Bitch comes over to bring Sgt. Trenches his food and not only does she smile and politely say "Here is your food Sergeant," but she even curtsied! Who the fuck curtsies?!?! I had already told Sgt. Trenches what happened at the shoppette so he just laughed when she returned to the kitchen. Some more time passes and I still do not have my food. Some British soldiers come in and get their food, lasagna! I was wondering, "What the fuck! Where is my damn food, I got the same fucking thing those guys did!" I go up to the counter to ask for my damn food. The cook who took my order asks, "No one brought your food?" I replied, "Nope, definitely not." The cook apologizes and even gives me extra food, but as I turned I made eye contact with Ms. Tiny Blond Bitch who just nods her head assuring me that it was because of her I did not get my food. That little bitch made me want to sleep with her more; her attitude towards me was arousing. As we are eating, Sgt. Trenches states that it is not that she hates me, "she just wants a piece of the Trenches." Any other person would have realized it was just a joke, but I was stuck on "get-Sgt. Trenches-laid" mode, so I took this to be a rational reason for her attitude. The only way I would know is to confirm this with DJizzle or the DPG.

Unfortunately, DJizzle nor any member of DPG was working the next day. I still ordered p-o-tatoes nonetheless. Not even Ms. Tiny Blond Bitch was working, but she was still there and still giving me attitude. She walks by us as we are talking to a civilian whom we were working with and flashes Sgt. Trenches a flirty smile then passes me and gives me the "I-fucking-hate-your-soul-and-existence" look. Fuck her anyways.

The next day we are in luck and at dinner time, DJizzle and the DPG are working and Ms. Tiny Blond Bitch is nowhere to be seen; it is the perfect moment to confirm she wants a piece of Sgt. Trenches. DJizzle instantly recognizes us as we walked in.

Me: DJizzle! What up gangsta!!!
DJ: Oh no! Not Sgt. Trenches and Mr. Airborne! What’s up guys?
Me: Yo DJizzle, we got an important question for you.
DJ: Oh no. Is this a serious question?
Me: Yeah homeskie! But we’ll talk about it when you aren’t busy.

By the time Sgt. Trenches and I finish dinner the Community Club is pretty much empty, but its nowhere near closing time, which means DJizzle and the DPG are not doing anything important. It was finally time to set things straight. The conversation was pretty much between DJizzle and I, but I have to omit part of the conversation when Sgt. Trenches joins in. That part stays between the parties involved.

DJ: So Mr. Airborne, what is your question?
Me: Alright I’m only asking this to clear the air and it is not because he wants to date her or anything, but you know that little blond chick that works with y’all?
DJ: Yeah, JT. Wait do you wanna bang JT?
Me: No! Well yeah I would, but that’s not important! Does JT want a piece of the Trenches?
DJ: Trenches wants to have sex with JT? That would make him like number five for her just this year.
Me: No, well he might I don’t know for sure. What?! Already? Damn I guess she gets around doesn’t she.
DJ: Yeah she does. Me and him(points to DPG buddy next to him) are trying to see who gets at her first.
Me: That’s awesome! Don’t forget to wrap your scrumpdiddlyumptious so you don’t get any diseases or shit.
DJ: You wanna us to hook you guys up with some of our classmates; you could just bang them on one of the big lawns or up against a tree!
Me: Hahaha! On the lawn??? Our hotel rooms are just right there! And it would probably be better if a 19 year old and a 25 year old did NOT sleep with a bunch of underage girls.

After talking about some other unimportant things, I told DJizzle and the DPG some hilarious stories from airborne school(I’ll post them in the future). They were laughing at the asshole thing I did when I made some douchebag kid think he was going to die because I told him his parachute would not open. Sgt. Trenches and I left after some story time, it was geting late anyways. It was at this point that we wished we could bring DJizzle and the DPG back to Louisiana with us. I felt so much more pride in my story about the asshole thing I did in airborne school at dinner the next day.

DPG Kid 1: Dude! That’s him! He’s the guy that told us the airborne story about making that kid think he was gonna die!
DPG Kid 2: Yeah! Your story is spreading around our school like wildfire! I was telling my friend while he was eating at Subway, and when I got to the best part, it made him start choking on his food and then he totally puked!!!! You’re awesome!
Me: Hahaha! I rule. I’m gonna miss you DP Gangstas, haha. Well we gotta go. Peace out home skillets!

DJizzle, the Dugway Proving Gangstas, and JT made what was supposed to be just another job, a memorable experience. We met some cool teens, Sgt. Trenches felt a little more confident in himself knowing a little whore wanted him, and my story made some kid vomit. I really loved my life at that point.


Have an airborne day.