Fighting Starvation

I would never go hungry. Seeing how there was a lack of work to do today, and my favorite sleeping place was locked up, I volunteered to get food from Taco Bell with another platoon member. So I wrote down some requests and collected some money, including a handful of coins from Ski, who was not only bouchedag enough to request more food than the money he pitched in, but he also stiffed me by telling me he gave me more money than he actually did. So obviously, the bill came out to more than I had. So I played the old charm and flirted with the cashier AND the manager and not only did they cover the $3.85 I was short, but they also let me place an extra order so I could get myself a handful of free tacos and burritos. Granted it was a pair of boodro hicks from Louisiana that fell victim to my flirtation, but I would like to see someone else be given $12 in food for free.

I rule; be jealous fuckers.





Have an airborne day,
565 Airborne, out.

Christmas Bucket List Revised

Just a few small changes.

• Go to Knotts with the homies
• Help Tito with his senior project; buy Tito porn; take Tito to a titty bar to get his first lap dance, and maybe more depending on the stripper.

Role Model

I have a 14 year old cousin who looks up to me and will often ask me for advice. Usually he asks me for advice instead of his older brother, who is my age, because his older brother is, well an older brother, and will punk him or just kick his ass. I am something like the older brother that does not kick his ass and is there to help, although for being a smart mouth, I am going to kick his ass when I go home. It was after this conversation with him that I realized I am probably a bad role model for him, in regards to morals.

Him: hey watz up
Me: Hey fucker. Did you ask your mom yet if you could sleepover when I go home?
Him: yeah she said i could go are you still coming
Me: No not just go, but sleepover. If you don't spend the night, you can't drink, because if you drink, your mom will smell it when you get in the car
Him: yeah am going stay
Me: Bring a change of clothes, because we have to go to church the next day.
Him: yeah i dont want to be smelling like ivan(his older brother)
Me: Jerk.
Him: lol when he drink he fart'z and pee's
Me: That's cause he drinks alot of beer. Beer makes you fart alot and whenever you drink alot of liquor, you're going to pee alot. It's like drinking alot of water.
Him: yeah i know that bitch drinks to much
Me: Yeah it scares me how much he can drink.
Him: yeah he pee's any were he wants to
Me: Like in the living room and shit?
Him: behind cars trees in front o people
Me: I do the same shit! No smoking though! If I see a cigarette in your mouth I'm gonna punch you in the face.
Him: lol i thought you smoked?
Me: I did. I do something worse now
Him: ohh why
Me: Because smoking can be addictive.
Him: yeah thatz true
Me: When Ivan and I started smoking we said, "this shit isn't addictive, it's all in your head." Now look what happened.
Him: lol he smoke still
Me: I known and I smoked toon until I started smokeless tobacco.
Him: is tobacco bad for you
Me: Yeah it's bad! It can give you cancer and it constricts your veins.
Him: why the fuck do you do it then stupid fat ass
Me: I'm not fat stupid fuck. Because it's hard to quit. It's as if I told you to stop liking boobies
Him: yeah i cant do that, but chew gum or umm do something that makes you forget about that
Me: It's hard because you don't get the nicotine fix. It's not so much the tobacco that is addicting but the nicotine in it
Him: oohhh yeah so its hard to let go
Me: Oh hey, I'm having my friends invite lots of sluts to my party. So don't act like a geek or a tool.
Him: hey hey hey hey hey i chance mother fucker i get girl like ivan gets bills. that mean i get a shit load of girls
Me: That's a stupid analogy. It doesn't make sense fucker. We'll see. These are older girls. So either it'll be a pimp night for you, if you don't act like a retard
Him: i dont care ill still get some. dont worrie its gonna be pimp night. i know how to talk to girls am not a retard anymore.
Me:: We'll see
Him: hey but shit i have a girlfriend
Me: Yeah because she's young and a fucking retard. All young girls are.
Him: hey thats what you think i have gotten more then ivan has ever seen
Me: Hahaha. I doubt that.
Him: ok tell me what he has done with girls
Me: I know he's not a virgin. He's rounded all the bases. Have you even rounded first base yet?Him: oohh his a bad ass now. do you think am that dumb
Me: Do you know what rounding first base is?
Him: more then making out
Me: Fucking duh.



That is the end of the conversation, probably because he went to look up what "rounding first base meant." If this conversation is picked up and continues, I will surely post here again. Maybe it is because of things like this that make my friends shudder at the thought of me being a father.




Have an airborne day,
565 Airborne, out.

My Friendship Is a Treasure

Sometimes I get bored. Sometimes when I am bored, I pull pranks. Sometimes I am an asshole and pull pranks on my friends. Like this text conversation.


Me: I don't have to worry about my ex tryin to get back with me lol
Nessa: Why? lol
Me: She thinks I'm dead
Nessa: WHAT?
Me: Yeah I had my friend tell her I shot myself in the face lol
Nessa: OMFG. You better be lying.
Me: I'm not. He blamed her too but I didn't tell him to say that
Nessa: Omg. That is TOO far.
Me: I don't think so really
Nessa: And why exactly don't you think so?
Me: Because I'm TSF
Nessa: Wtf is TSF?
Me: You may never know.
Nessa: Jerk lol.
Me: Lol. I'm jk. She has a bf now lol
Nessa: Ugh jerk.
Me: Hahahahahaha xD
Nessa: That's not funny
Me: I know you're laughing at least a little bit
Nessa: No I'm actually not. That's cruel to even joke about
Me: But I didn't do it!
Nessa: Still. Joking around that you did is mean.
Me: I wanted to see if you thought I had the tenacity to do something like that.
Nessa: Not to be mean, but I think you totally would. You'd feel bad after, but I know you would
Me: Can I blog about this?
Nessa: Fine if you want your friends to know how cruel your thoughts can be :P



I think all my blog readers know how cruel my thoughts can be at times. Of course, I do not prank any of my friends for the purpose of driving them through anxiety, it is just to have a little fun. Sorry though Nessa. Looking back, that was a tad cruel to pull on a friend, but it is still a bit funny. If you all thought that was bad, just imagine the stress I put my mom under with my pranks.






Have an airborne day,
565 Airborne, out.

Christmas Bucket List

These are things I plan to do while on leave.

• Go to In N Out
• Spend more time with my sister and brother than last time
• Family PT
• PT with the homies
• Go to IHOP
• Partizzles at my parents' house; piss off the neighbors with karaoke at midnight
• Eat REAL Mexican food
• Eat REAL Filipino food
• Wrestle my dad
• Whiskey Juliet operations
• TSF operations with Civ1
• Help Tito with his Senior Project; buy Tito porn
• Hang out with the home skillets
• Refer to JDog in a crowded public place as "JDoggy Style In Her Mouth"
• Fight beatniks
• Piss off fans of Twilight

Gentleman's Club Education

In the past week, three of my friends have asked me for advice on strippers. For some reason they christened me an "expert on strippers." This is not because I foolishly throw money away at them; in fact, it is the complete opposite, I do not spend much, if any money on them. I am not going to lie(as honesty is a motif of my blog writings), I have had sex, whether oral or intercourse, with a handful of exotic dancers. Call me a whore, slut, vagrant lustful sinner, I do not care; it is obvious by now I do not give a fuck. Besides, I know I am not that bad; I have not had sex in four months and have been doing pretty good to remain abstinent. There are several key things to remember if trying to beat strippers at their own game.

1. Expect failure.

If you walk in a strip club with the mentality that you will fuck a stripper before you leave that night, you will most likely leave the club penniless and with a hard on you will have to beat off when you get home. Expect nothing, and you are more likely to succeed because you will be much more focused. It helps to wax your carrot before you go. Unless you are me, you will not always get what you want from strippers; I can walk in with the mentality I will get a free blowjob and I will get one, but that is because I am the fucking Iceman, I am TSF.

2. Lap Dances Are Overrated.

All you are doing is paying for an erection. You get the same effect from free porn on the internet. Do not be like the other joes who spend $200 just on lap dances. I would rather spend $200 on booze and just get some girl drunk and horny.

3. Think Nintendo.

If you do not walk straight to the main stage(where the pole is) you are probably walking to the lounge chairs around the back walls. While sitting here, strippers will approach you and ask if you want a lap dance. If they just ask, and you decline, they will just walk away and try to find someone else to snatch money from. However, some will sit next to you and con you into getting a lap dance. They may put their hands on your leg, play with your cock, whisper dirty things into your ear, or even start up a conversation with you, which usually leads to their hand on your cock. KEEP IT DOWN! If they feel you have an erection, they know they are winning and WILL beat you. Think, or even talk to them, about something that you can blab away at for hours and it will help keep the cobra down despite the snake charmer is playing the flute. I usually rehearse video game strategies in my head.

4. Be Cool.

Act nonchalant. Like I mentioned earlier, they may talk to you and ask you about your life or what you do for a living. They are pretending to be interested. Be truthful, but maintain composure and refrain from sounding too excited about whatever it is you are boring that stripper with. If you would rather lie, make sure you know what you are talking about and can back up whatever you say with knowledge; you never know, if you are lying about being a corporate lawyer and do not know shit about the legal system or business, you better hope that stripper is not working at that club to put herself through law school. Also, avoid saying things like "strippers, bitches, hos, pimp, and strip club." They are "exotic dancers," they are "classy" women too, they are not whores and therefore do not need a pimp, and they work at a "Gentleman's Club."

5. You Are Awesome, Yet Know Humility.

Do not be a jackass, be humble instead. They do not give a fuck that you make a six digit salary-although they will try to take that money from you-because all you are doing is being a flashy asshole. This is what I do when I play the soldier or paratrooper card. I let them ask me what I do for a living, and I make it seem like nothing. Sure jumping out of planes is not for the weak, and I do it; syllogistically speaking I am not weak, and by being humble about it, instead of bragging about it MAY appeal to a stripper's emotions(they are people too) and they may feel the need to reward you somehow.

6. Settle On A Deal.

Take what you can. If you managed to charm her into a free blowjob, fuck it, take the BJ!

7. Back off Emmanuel Goldstein!

Do not throw your money away, but do not be a Jew either. Spend some money. Buy a lapdance. Buy a drink. Buy a stripper a drink. If the owner or manager notices, or worse, is told you are not giving up any of the greenbacks, they will probably kick you out and make space for someone who willing to spend some cash. In fact some strip clubs require that you always have something in hand to drink, so sip, do not gulp, that four ounces of Sprite that cost you six dollars. Hell, after awhile of declining lap dances, that stripper may cut you a deal and give you extra dances or will play with your balls; just spend a little bit of money and let her do her job.

8. Walk Out Alive.

If you do something stupid, you will get fucked up. Those huge bouncers get paid to kick ass. Take cash out of the ATM the morning of, and leave your ATM and credit cards at home. Do not waste hundreds of dollars in one night for lust. It is NOT worth it. If you are lucky enough to score with a stripper, wrap your tool. You do not want to walk out of that place, only to find out a few months later your balls might fall off from lack of medical attention.

9. The Axe Effect.

Take some type of body spray, but leave it in the car. You WILL walk out of there reeking with scent of stripper all over you. It does not smell bad necessarily, but it is not appealing at all. You would rather smell like cigarettes than stripper, especially if you have a girlfriend.

10. Be Innovative.

This is just my guide for you on how to avoid being tricked by strippers. Maybe I am dead wrong about something. Make your own observations, test an original hypothesis, and make your own stripper theories. Just use this to start out.





Have an airborne day,
565 Airborne, out.

Typical Me

A while ago I mentioned that I had a girlfriend. It was not long after that I dumped her. I did mention breaking up with her and WHY I broke up with her, but I did not say HOW I dumped her, which I think is a pretty funny story.

It was not long after being with her that I was frustrated and annoyed with her. All she ever really wanted to talk about was the meaning of life, shit she learned in her philosophy class, and some chick she was always fighting with. First off, I hate high school drama. Fucks that. Second, I hate having constant conversations about academic subjects; I do not live at a fucking school! Most importantly, I am young. I do not know shit about the meaning of life nor do I care. My grandpa always told me not to focus on the meaning of life, because it is revealed to you as an epiphany as you die. That sounds fine by me.

So after four or five weeks, I wanted to call it quits. There was a large obstacle though; her mom is dying. According to her, her mom is terminally ill. I knew I had to break up with her as soon as possible before she became really attached to me. However, I did not want to devastate her even more so by having to tell her, "Hey you piss me off; when I'm with you, I can only think of a girl back home who REALLY is special; it's over." The only logical thing in my head was, lie to her. So I concocted a deviously false story. I told her when I was on leave the month before, I had sex with someone, and "she" just found out "she" is pregnant. I did not have to say anymore because my then girlfriend understood we had to break up because I had to be there for the "girl carrying my child." She ate it up. She then told me she still wanted to be friends and I agreed; fat chance that would actually happen though. I am an awesome douchebag, I know. Try to hinder your jealousy.

Maybe this is why karma bites me on the tip of the dick and I cannot have a girlfriend I really do like. Oh well. Fucks it.





Have an airborne day,
565 Airborne, out.

I Exhale Toxicity

"TSF Bandenfehl!" claimed victims again. Last weekend my post had a small festival to celebrate Autumn and of course I was voluntold to help. It was not so bad though considering all I did was sit there and eat candy intended to be passed out to kids. When my shift was over I went with a buddy to a cajun food booth and just to ruin my day, Jacksoff HandsOn followed. However, by keen observation and my sixth sense to foreshadow the myriad of opportunities to ruin someone's day, I noticed she left her phone next to the condiments and walked away. As my buddy was ordering food, someone also noticed the phone and asked me, "Do you know who's phone this belongs to?" And of course I repLIED, "No I don't. You should turn it in to Lost and Found." So as she leaves to turn it in, JacksOff HandsOn returns and asks if anyone saw her phone. I lie and say I have no clue. As she frantically searches around the booth in case she dropped it another bystander asks, "You're just going to stand there as a girl in a dress has to crouch around on the grass and look for her phone?" As soon as JacksOff HandsOn leaves, I retorted by saying, "Ma'am, I do not give a flying fuck about that piece of shit." Seeing how I appalled so many people who heard, I calmly and arrogantly walk away. I fucking rule; be jealous; "TSF Bandenfehl!" victim 3.

The next day Tracie says the wrong thing again and thus is subjected to prohibition of communication with TSF Op2; it ended today.

Yesterday was a day of American political significance as Barack Obama won the the presidential election. As you all sat watching TV, refreshing your internet browsers, or just ignoring the election altogether(if you were, I hate your guts you communist heathen fucktard) TSF was out detecting IEDs, fucking up dirties, escalating force on civilians, and training more troops than a pog drill sergeant.





Have an airborne day,
565 Airborne, out.

TSF and Collateral Damage

TSF has declared a state of "TSF Bandenfehl." I am not even going to explain that, that is how TSF works. Of course, I will tell those that deserve to know about "TSF Bandenfehl" and I should also note that TSF is always keeping an eye open for recruits for the TSF attached unit. *Cough cough.*

Well back to "TSF Bandenfehl." TSF is tired of fucking idiots getting in the way of TSF training, meetings, and operations and thus has imposed the "TSF Bandenfehl." Anyone can fall victim to it. In one night, two people have already suffered from it.

Tomorrow we have a recall formation in the morning because some stupid fuck thought it would be a great idea to resist arrest; this gets in the way of my whiskeyjuliet(If you are not TSF, you will never know, so do not bother asking) operation which was the final cherry on top to declare the "TSF Bandenfehl." So I retired to my room to take off my pants, because being pantless makes me happy. I heard my roommate come in, but I did not know his fiancee was with him, so I remained pantless. Well, if I had known she was coming in I would have still remained pantless but I would have at least covered myself with some sheets. So when she peeks around my side of the room to say hi, it is the crack of my ass that returns the greeting; "TSF Bandenfehl" victim 1.

Then Tracie, Luigi's girlfriend puts herself in position to be a victim. She is always seeking the friendship of TSF, yet suffers from TSF's personality. Now she will suffer more.

Tbelle: i looked up teen spirit on urban dictionary
Tbelle: it means nothing related to sex
Tbelle: its a deodorant
Tbelle: and thats all
PapagenuSasafras: It is apparant you cannot connect my terminology to pop culture.
Tbelle: well fuck i know about the song
PapagenuSasafras: You still have no clue.
Tbelle: whatever i dont like nirvana or your made up words
Tbelle: or the deodorant
PapagenuSasafras: Just quit
PapagenuSasafras: Bandenfehl biotch
Tbelle: I did quit asswipe
Tbelle: and only 15-23 year old girls call anyone a biotch now
Tbelle: im assuming you wont explain what a bandenfehl is
Tbelle: so im just not gonna ask
PapagenuSasafras: It was a eupehmism for what I was originally gonna say.
PapagenuSasafras: Biotch not bandenfehl.
Tbelle: are my assumptions correct
PapagenuSasafras: Dead on.
Tbelle: that youre gonna keep the word meaning between you two stupid fucks
PapagenuSasafras: You're learning.
PapagenuSasafras: Maybe we can be friends.
Tbelle: i dont want to be friends with you
PapagenuSasafras: Fine you said it.
PapagenuSasafras: I'm not visiting you ever.
PapagenuSasafras: In fact I'm blocking you from IMing me.
PapagenuSasafras: Peace out girl scout
*Tbelle is blocked*

She will remain blocked until deemed necessary. "TSF Bandenfehl" can be brutal, but TSF does not give a fuck.

Tracie then tried to save her ass from "TSF Bandenfehl" by calling me, but makes the mistake of calling me "Babe" on accident thinking she was talking to Luigi. I hang up. She calls again and my forgiving side decides to give her a chance to redeem herself, again. She once again states she does not care about talking to me, and being TSF, I do not care to talk to someone that does not care about any communication with TSF, so as of now, Tracie is blocked from any communication with TSF Op2 until deemed necessary or ordered otherwise. "TSF Bandenfehl" victim 2.

I cannot wait to see who will be the next victim.




Have an airborne day,
565 Airborne, out.

Let's Get Fucking High Man!

Nowadays, there are so many illegal drugs on the streets for kids to take and fuck their minds up. Obviously, there will always be substances that governments try to prohibit and the people will continue abusing these substances, but in a state of genius, I thought of a way to hallucinate and trip out without using any illegal substances. All that is needed is: coffee, energy drinks, niacin, an imagination, and specific types of movies. Coffee will keep you awake, energy drinks give you an instant sugar rush and state of hyperactivity, niacin causes your whole body to suffer inflammation and your senses are heightened, and the imagination attributes to your hallucination. If you do not have much of an imagination, I have the solution. Join the Army or CIA and work under counterintelligence or human intelligence collecting(interrogations) and watch movies that trigger emotions of fear or paranoia such as: The Departed, Syriana, The Good Shephard, Traitor, Dawn of the Dead, The Grudge, or whatever you know will really fuck your head up.


I know what I will be doing on my next four day weekend.






Have an airborne day,
565 Airborne, out.

Gotta Love the Trenches

Iceman: "Zack and Miri Make A Porno" comes out on her birthday.
Trenches: Nice
Trenches: lets invite her
Iceman: I'll invite her tomorrow
Trenches: foshizz
Trenches: tell her The Trenches demands that she comes with us
Trenches: and then she'll blush
Trenches: and be thinking "TSF makes me DTF"


God bless you Trenches.






Have an airborne day,
565 Airborne, out.

Trial, little error.

Nothing interesting or humorous with me lately.

I broke up with my girlfriend weeks ago. When I say I like to have intelligent conversations, I do NOT mean I want to ONLY talk about what she learned in class. That is plain, fucking annoying.

Trying to date while in the military is hard. Fucks that. Relationships are not for everyone anyways. I seem to be doing fine with my Nintendo 64, dip, chew, kreteks, coma-inducing buffets with Trenches, chilling with the TSF crew and random cruising with Luigi. That is fun for me.





Have an airborne day,
565 Airborne, out.

Three SOF Imperatives

I always thought these were the imperatives of Special Operations Forces(Top Secret Badass Fucking Commandos for you civies who are confused).

Understand the Operational Environment
Recognize Political Implications
Facilitate Interagency Activities
Engage the Threat Discriminately
Consider Long-term Effects
Ensure Legitimacy and Credibility of Special Operations
Anticipate and Control Psychological Effects
Apply Capabilities Indirectly
Develop Multiple Options
Ensure Long-term Sustainment
Provide Sufficient lntelligence
Balance Security and Synchronization


Well I was wrong. According to some "Quiet Professionals" I worked with, there are only three SOF imperatives:

1. Always be cool.
2. Never get lost.
3. If lost, refer back to number 1.


According to some of them, Iceman has mastered these imperatives. Based on my observations, Trenches has mastered it for quite some time now. Syllogistically speaking, Iceman and Trenches are cool as fuck. Suck on that Kool Aid Man, "you glass bastard; you glass bitch."




Have an airborne day,
565 Airborne, out.

Chic N Stu

When I first began talking to my girlfriend, Trenches was texting her at the same time. I am the type of friend that does not mind sharing a girl's attention; besides I called dibs on her, just in case, and being a fair player at the dibs game, Trenches abided by the rules and refrained from pursuing her, most likely because she is 17 and Trenches is 25. I know some of my friends are thinking, "Don't do it Iceman! She's jailbait dumbass!" but do not fret, she will be 18 in October and we are not doing anything sexual, minus the knee job she gave me. Well as she began talking to me, she would text and chat with Trenches, she was trying to get friend approval, which she got, and was asking him how to impress me. My true friends know it does not take much for a girl to impress me. In fact Dave Chapelle put it quite eloquently when he said, "Ladies, don't listen to that bullshit magazines tell you. There aren't a hundred ways to please a man. Just suck my dick, play with my balls, fix me a sandwich, and don't talk so damn much!" I am pretty much the same way. When my girlfriend asked Trenches how to impress me he told her, "Just be yourself and don't force anything; just let things happen as they will. And cook him Mexican food and lots of desserts because he eats like a fat guy." He was pretty much on target.

There was one weekend where Staff Sergeant Rojo cooked us dinner AND brought the food to the barracks. He made some delicious chicken with salsa quesadillas, brownies, used the rest of the chicken to make us chicken with rice for whenever we did not have food, AND brought Dr. Pepper. My hunger was more than satisfied. After our delectable feast, I brought about this observation with Trenches:

Me: Hey, what was it that you told Jeny about impressing me?
Trenches: I told her you eat like a fat guy so she should cook you Mexican food and desserts.
Me: Which is exactly what Rojo did.
Trenches: If Rojo had a vagina, you wouldn't need Jeny.
Rojo: Hahaha.
Me: Yeah that is true, I would just date Rojo.
Trenches: I would probably bang Rojo too.
Me: We would probably fight over the idea and just T-10Delta* Rojo if he were a woman.


*T-10Delta(T-10D) is a term I came up with. The United States paratroopers nowadays use the T-10D parachute for static line jumps. One characteristic about it is that it can handle the weight of two fully combat loaded troopers. Of course, I turned it into a term referring to double-teaming a girl.*


At this point I thought it would be funny to prank my newfound girlfriend. I used Trenches's phone to text her, making her think it was him texting her. "Trenches" told her that I cheated on her already and made the reference to the manner of impressing me. At first she was worried and almost disappointed but soon realized it was a joke and just a reference to the dinner Rojo made us. It was quite hilarious though as I instantly received texts from her questioning my fidelity. I did not put her through too much panic though, and she just laughed at the prank. I am awesome boyfriend, right? We are barely in a relationship and I am already pulling pranks on her regarding my loyalty. I thought it was funny.



Have an airborne day,
565 Airborne, out.

Holy Shirts and Pants

Yesterday almost sucked, but turned out to be a great day. Tammy and I were helping Been-Jammin move some furniture into his house and at lunch Tammy went to drop me off at the barracks. Being a lazy dumbass I no ballsed him to drive up on the grass and sidewalk and drop me off right in front of my building. Of course, our douchebag, fat sack of shit, spook, Sergeant Major caught us and made us put on all our gear and guard the parking lot. Initially he said we would be out there for two hours, yet I did not care and only laughed the situation off, but when he released us after 15 minutes, I was feeling golden, considering his punishment taught me NOTHING.

The day became interesting after work. My girl from Shreveport was on her way down to Leesville, which is nearly a two and a half hour drive. We had plans to go to dinner, but Trenches and I could not wait that long, so we went to KFC and ate at the buffet, which we learned would be a mistake. We then went to Walmart, where instead of shopping for necessities, we hunted for boodros to take pictures of and add to Trenches's Louisiana Beaudreaux photo album. They finally arrived at Steak and Bitches were we met up; I instantly knew Trenches would not click with her friend who was supposed to be his date, but Trenches being the great friend that he is, stuck around anyways and was a great wingman. Dinner would have completely sucked if Been-Jammin did not show up and grace us with his outlandish, accidental humorous behavior. After the KFC buffet, Trenches and I could not even handle the smell of food. Dinner was needless to say awkward and boring. We were about to head to the movies when they said they had a surprise for Trenches and I; they baked us pie, thus earning bonus points. We then went to the movies where Been-Jammin feel asleep, so Trenches thought it would be funny to put his arm around his shoulder seeing as how Been-Jammin is extremely homophobic; Been-Jammin did not wake up though and I could not get a picture.

After the movie Trenches and Been-Jammin went back on post and I went to the hotel with the girls. My girl wanted me to stay the night with her, but she wanted us all to be in one room, so I made a reservation for a two queen bed room. I feel bad for her friend because once we got to the room, it did not take long for us to start making out. After 10 minutes her friend decided to leave the room for awhile; I would not have minded her watching anyways. We were kissing for awhile when I got tired of being on top so we rolled over when something interesting happened. When she was kissing me, she was doing something quite arousing with her tongue, so naturally I had an erection. Now I don't know if she did it on purpose, or if it was just the way she was lying on top of me, but she was caressing said erection with her knee. In case you are wondering, yes it felt amazing. To let you know how I felt I added a video from Wedding Crashers. I felt just how Vince Vaughn's character felt in this scene:



This happened a few times through the night too. In the morning we discussed whether or not we wanted a relationship. Ten seconds later Iceman has a girlfriend. I did not think it would happen either, but hey I deserve a break. And no, we are not having sex; she wants to be a virgin until she is married, and since I am not the cheating type of douchebag, I can remain abstinent. When we left the room, a Korean maid was waiting outside; she saw my girlfriend's friend walk out, then saw my girlfriend walk out, and saw me walk out. As they were down the hall at the elevator the Korean lady said, "Oooooh you have fun last night. Noooo, you have double fun last night!" I love the Oriental.

As if my weekend was not intriguing enough, more had to follow when I went back on post. I logged on to my computer and Myspace to realize one of my friends had sent me a link on Myspace. I have several friends who like to send me links to their favorite porno on the internet. I happen to have two friends, both female, who love to study the oral sex techniques of Heather Brooke, and lo and behold one of them sent me a link to a Heather Brooke blowjob video; she should not even be looking at porn considering she is still a minor. Once I opened the link, the video started playing, at the same time I heard a knock on my door. Oblivious to who it may be, I just opened the door; it was my First Sergeant coming to inspect my living conditions......with the porno playing on my computer. This was our conversation:

Me: Hooah Top.
Top: Hey soldier, I'm just coming by to see how y'all are doing.
Me: Pardon the mess Top, but I am cleaning my gear.
Top: No worries soldier relax. Your room is pretty clean, just make sure y'all sweep the common area time to time.
Me: Roger Top.
Top:(He looks at my computer) Looking at some porn?
Me: Uhhh my girlfriend sent me that. She's freaky like that.
Top:(Nods acknowledging he likes the porn) Damn I wish I had a girlfriend who sent me things like that. Have a good weekend.
Me: Hooah Top.

Yet even more happened. The sergeant who lives on my floor knocked on my door, I am guessing, to make me sweep the common area. I opened the door but he was not there, but when I thought I heard one of my NCO's in the common area I looked through the peephole as I shut off my lights so that they would think I was not in my room. It was actually the sergeant's girlfriend. As I watched him sweep the common area, I see his girlfriend walk in his room, leave the door wide open, walk into the bathroom, leave the door wide open, and drop her pants to take a piss. I could not believe it, until she stood up to wipe her vagina. I just saw my neighbor's girlfriend urinate. Of course I had to tell Trenches.

By the way, Trenches is fucking awesome. Best wingman, and a friend, a guy could have. If you are a hot, single girl and you have not tried to woo him yet; well, that is the wrong fucking answer.



Have an airborne day,
565 Airborne out.

Of Texts and Men

Just a few updates on my douchebag life. For those you who are on my friends list on Myspace and Facebook and have been reading my statuses lately, Leslie Estillete is this boodra whore who fucked with Trenches head and made him think she likes him and then stole his Star Wars movies, decided it would be fun to blatantly ignore him and started fucking random boodros around her dorm. First of all, no one fucks with my friends or their emotions. Second, I hate stupid whores. Third, Star Wars is an immaculate series and you do NOT steal any Star Wars memorabilia or such items from anyone! So Leslie Estillete can someday expect a pissed off brown kid with a nightstick at her door, there to pick up the movies and to fuck shit up in her room; and possibly take a shit in her room too.

On a brighter note though, Trenches and I have found two other boodras who seem to really dig us. Using a Facebook application, that works on the realm of Match.com, a cute girl started talking to me. Go ahead and laugh if you want, but she is very attractive and would do anything for me. Besides, my cousin Luigi got his girlfriend through Facebook, and though I hate to admit it because I like pissing her off, Tracie is hot and not some other dumb, slutty bitch. I feel weird complimenting her though, so FUCK YOU TRACIE, you damn walking clitoris. Last weekend, while we were drunk, Trenches thought it would be funny to text this girl that found me on Facebook. Since then she has been talking to him too, attempting to seek friend approval and asking for advice on how to impress me. Seeing as how Trenches is a true and honest friend he told me, "I told her to be herself and not try to force anything... to just let things happen as they will and to cook you Mexican food and desserts cuz you eat like a fat guy."
Much like any other federal holiday, we were given a four day weekend for Labor Day. However, Hurrican Gustav, a possible category 4, is about to hit Louisiana in a few days, and unlike everyone else on post who is swarming the Commissay, Post Exchange, local Walmarts, and gas stations for supplies, food, and water, Trenches and I chose to stock up on chewing tobacco and seeds and get outlandishly drunk. After work on Thursday we went to Steak and Bitches, where as an inside joke, a fellow soldier bought Trenches a martini, which of course I drank like a shot of liquor. After I got back to my room, I drank some beer like a fish and knocked out. The next day though, my roommate and his girlfriend invited us to a Mexican restaurant-run by Puerto Ricans, those saltwater Mexicans- and then to go bowling with them. The bowling was fun, especially when Trenches was drunk and my roommate's girlfriend told him about a woman she wants him to meet. Of course he said, "I don't mind dating a chick that has a kid, at least I know she puts out." When I realized there was not going to be any NCO's at the bowling alley, I decided to start drinking and to catch up. It did not take me long to catch up with the Jack and Coke mixes that Ski was buying. After a good hour, I was well sauced myself.

We began bowling by swinging the ball aroundthe back of our legs when I thought it would be funny to make this bet: "Dude, how about, whoever bowls a strike with a in-between-the-legs-bowl, makes the other one text J*** and tell her she's falling for her!" In retrospect it was a win-win situation for him; either I lose and I admit to her that I like her, or Trenches loses and has to tell her. I bowled a strike on the second frame. I was rolling on the floor laughing while Trenches sunk to his knees as he realized he would have lie to tell a 17 year old girl obviously interested in me, and tell her he likes her. She did not text or call either of us the rest of the night.
After the bowling alley closed, we were going to go to this shitty dive of a club, until Trenches educed us into going to a shitty dive of a strip club. This was a bad idea considering Ski was with us, and the strip club atmosphere runs in the blood of every greasy, wop, deigo. We continued the drinking while we watched strippers dance and kiss Trenches. One even put a piece of ice in her mouth, kissed his neck, and then passed him the piece of ice with her tongue. The last hour we were there was spent with Ski trying to convince one of the strippers to give Trenches a blowjob. He was so successful, not only was she willing to blow Trenches, but she wanted to fuck Ski too. Fucking wop. The next day we wake up, and decide to make Staff Sergeant Rojo cook lunch for us, which was delicious. Job well done Rojo. While at Rojo's house, we called and texted my girl from Shreveport to see if she would say anything about the text Trenches sent her. She was mature enough to tell Trenches it was just the alcohol talking, and told me the truth about the text. This girl is awesome, cute and mature for her age. After some time, she has Trenches text her friend that is with her, and he has been texting her since. Hopefully she is as attractive physically as she is interesting. Then Trenches and I can both stop trying to kill ourselves because we have no women. Hopefully it works out for us.

Not such an interesting weekend, but at least Ski and I got strippers to make out with Trenches.



Have an airborne day,
565 Airborne out.

Regular Vacation

I know many of you want to know what happened when I was home on leave. Considering I was drunk or hungover 98% of the time I was home, it is still difficult trying to put all the blurry images together for one coherent blog post. I would rather change the format of my blog and just list the events in no particular order.

Before I even left Louisiana I started trouble. My squad leader picked me up early and drrove me to the Alexandria International Airport, which ironically, only handles domestic flights. I bet it was all because some uneducated Louisiana hillbilly fucking boodro did not comprehend the word "International" and lacked knowledge of the word "domestic." After checking in my bags I go up stairs to the miniature security checkpoint and make a realization, I have not shaved. I look a bit Middle Eastern right now. Yessssss. I walk up to place my bag and personal items on the conveyer belt and when the TSA worker asks for my boarding pass, with a heavy Arabic accent I say, "Yes, yes. I give you pass. Me pass checkpoint. Me pass." Her reply, "No sir. I need to see your boarding pass." I say, "Oh yes here, here is pass. Careful with bag. Careful. Careful please." Sure enough I am pulled to the side, my bag is thoroughly scrutinized, and I get the white glove treatment. It took the greatest strength and restraint to refrain from laughing so hard. After they were done, I proceeded to my gate. I just played a game with airport security, when the wrong diction or body language may have dictated a threat to national security. I fucking rule. As I board the plane, I realize my seat, which should have had no one next to me, has a woman with so much makeup on that smell makes me nauseous. I decide to fuck with her head so she will request a seat change. I put my bag up and just stare at her. "Is this your seat?" I blabber, "Mallekakka dirka dirka Mohammed al tadr shiha." She gets up and requests a seat change. Since the plane is pretty vacant we both get what we want. She wants to be a bigot and not sit next to me, because she thinks I am Arabic, and I get the seat next to me to stretch my legs and sleep. I am a douche, I know. Be jealous.

Talked to Felicia. I was quite cold, and distant to her. I do not care.

Got drunk with my Compadre, Poon, and Old Sport. Went back to my house; my brother's bunkbeds are unstable, so Poon and Old Sport had to sleep on the bottom bunk and I slept on the floor. Poon ended up spooing Old Sport; my little sister even has a picture.

Had sex with my parents' neighbor in the backyard on my dad's lawn chair. My dad found us in the backyard the next morning; I forgot he works nights. I convinced him we did not have sex. He is so naive he still thinks I am a virgin. I am a great son. I did wash the chair though.

Celebrated M-Pie's birthday. My present to her was taking her to a hookah bar with Poon, Old Sport, Vai, Carissa, and Darth Wenis, where per her request, we carried on an old past time of ours in which we discussed our latest sexual exploits. Congratulations goes to M-Pie for shooting past second base and hitting third base. We then went back to her house where she wanted to make mimosas; instead I drank half a bottle of her dad's 16 year old scotch. M-Pie also told us a funny story of her lack of knowledge of irregular menstruations when she was in her early teens and thus, at one point, she believed she was the next "Virgin Mary" and got down on her knees at prayed to God saying she was not ready for the responsibility.

Took my little sister to her weekly soccer sports medicince training in Anaheim. Somehow I ended up recieving oral sex from one of the single soccer moms.

Watched Stepbrothers with Old Sport and BAMF. I smack-talked many of the local teens; police asked me if I was drunk; I said no(definitely a lie); they tell me to go home. I yell, "Is this how you treat an American hero? Fuck you liberal dicksuckers." How I was not arrested I do not know.

Had sex with the neighbor again.

Took Poon and Old Sport to get their first lap dances; SpeedTalker came along. I ended up having sex with a stripper.....for free. I guess playing the paratrooper card gets you laid. She would not stop talking though. I rally back with the homies only to find out Old Sport got a handjob from the stripper that gave him a lap dance. Then I found out SpeedTalker also got a handjob from her. As if I could not stop laughing already, I was told that when Poon found out she gives handjobs with the lap dance, he sought her out and also got a lap dance. Three of my friends got handjobs from the same stripper within a 30 minute time period.

Saturday sucked. First date boloed on me. I called up another girl, but she did not answer. Finally I went to see my friend who used to be my english teacher, after drinking plenty of whisky; I hid my inebriation well. After serving me several beers and a fine dinner, I take her niece on a date to the movies. She was texting the whole time which made it even harder to make a move on her considering I was quite drunk and we were watching a comedy. I take her home and go back to finish off the whisky.

I did not go to church on Sunday because my whole family tried to wake me up, but I was cold stone drunk. They should have punched me in the testicles to wake me up; anything to get me awake for God. Sunday is a blur. I probably drank more with Poon.

Monday rolls by and I finally hang out with my Godfather. He is not much older than me, actually a few years younger than Trenches; he is awesome though, always there for me when I need spiritual guidance, or to get me drunk. We did both, discussed faith, and then drank beer everytime we saw blood in the movie Gladiator; we were drunk after 45 minutes. Some old homies from church were also there and thus beer shotguns were a necessity. I also remember walking to the local 7-11 quite inebriated. I put a dip(chewing tobacco) in and after talking to one of my homies while he bought more drinks, I resultingly swallowed A LOT of dip. This was the result:

Homie: Hey are you ok?
Me: Fo shizz ma nigga! UGHHHHHHHALAAAAHHH(Vomit all over the 7-11 parking lot).
Homie: Damn dude, hahahaha.
(I take four steps)
Me: UGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHALAAAAHHH! I'm sorry 7-11 dude that has to clean this up! Ok, I'm good.
Homie: Hahahaha.
(We make it across the street)
Me: UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHALALAAAHHHAHHHA! Damn bro, I can taste the Mexican candy we ate. Makes the puke not taste so bad. Ok, NOW I'm good.

An earthquake hit Chino Hills; California was just making me feel at home. Lots of people boloed on going to the beach, so instead I went with Poon, my little sister, and my little brother to see the Dark Knight. Now my sister has a severe phobia of clowns and burn victims.

M-Pie and Carissa throw a little party for me to reunite me with some homies. I show them who is the beer bong champ. Vai tells me he will have to leave early because he is going to have a threesome; I obviously doubt him, until he shows me the text messages. I congratulate him until he tells me they are 15 years old; I call him a dirty pervert and say he is going to Hell with me. I also saw a girl who I kissed before I left for basic training; apparantly I was her first kiss; I was drunk when it happened. I ignored her presence at the party the whole night; I am a douche, I know, I do not give a fuck.

I cannot remember what happened on Thursday. All I remember was that I was depressed because I would have to leave soon. This was also when I decided sex was making me even lonelier and I should go on an abstinence stint. Yes, I am going to be abstinent from sex. Fuck all you that are laughing because you do not believe me. Bastards.

I am just about all packed and ready to leave. I decide I should have one last evening of beers and pizza with the homies. Several friends stopped by and hung out a bit. At one point one of my friends asked for a jacket because she was getting cold. We go inside to look for one while everyone is outside drinking. While I was looking for one, she was on my computer. She wanted to wear an old BDU jacket, but it had a bunch of pins in it, so instead I got one of my old ACU coats for her to wear. While she was on my computer, I finished packing. Apparantly my friends did not believe me when I told them I was abstinent because I heard this from them.

"Dude how was it?"
"Don't lie! You suck!"
"You guys were in there for an hour and then you guys came out smiling and she was wearing your Army shit!"
"Come one man, just tell us some of the details!"
"What do mean nothing happened?!?!"
"You abstinent?!?! Yeah fucking right!"

We ended up going to a hookah bar and then a few of us went back to my house, where I had the feeling Poon was going to vomit from drinking for the first time, considering he kept spitting on the grass and was leaning on the chair. He was surprised I was feeling sick considering I drank just as much as he did. When it was time to go to the airport, Poon had passed out on my bed. I was at my boarding gate two hours prior to boarding, but I waited until the last call to actually board the plane. From what I hear, that is normal, especially for soldiers stationed at Fort Polk; that is how much Fort Polk sucks.

Something else happened too, but because it may bring about assault and battery charges, I will not write about it....yet.

That was just my normal vacation for you.


Have an airborne day,
565 Airborne out.

Racism

Fucking Beaners, Niggers, Kikes, Wops, Greasers, Ruskies, Camel Jockeys, Micks, Honkies, Macks, Spics, Porch Monkeys, Sheenies, Gooks, Krauts, Limeys, White Trash Inbreds, Gingers, and Canucks.


Let me dwell into a world no one ever dares to: racial slurs. If you feel you may be offended based on what you read so far, you are probably a person who judges books by their covers and should not be reading my blog anyways. Now I know many are waiting to read about my vacation in Los Angeles a few weeks back, but two recent events have sparked a greater sense of importance in my mind. A few days ago the dumb fucking idiot, JacksOff-HandsOn, said she was offended by the use of the word "nigger." This is the situation in which the word was used, verbatim:

Stretch: Fucking Ski, that wop, dago, guinea pollack!
Do-Ham: Shut your mouth you fucking stinky ass hippie shit!
Me: You shut up you fucking buck-toothed, inbred, honky, sister-fuck.
Tammy: Fucking educated beaners.
Me: Fuck you.
Everyone: HAHAHAHA.
Sheeny: I still can't believe how much racism exists today.
Me: It's xenophobia and ignorance dude. I guess it takes being part of a great melting pot like the Army to avoid that shit.
Sheeny: Yeah seriously. Like when I was at Ozzfest two weeks ago I heard some guy say, "There should be another line for spics and niggers."
Me: Hahaha fucking Texans, buncha queers.
JacksOff-HandsOn: That word offends me!
Tammy: Texans???
Everyone: Hahaha.
*JacksOff-HandsOn is black.

It is obvious that Sheeny did not use the word "nigger" in a derogatory manner, but was merely explaining to us an incident. However, JacksOff-HandsOn, being the fucking moron that she is, complained to our sergeants about this use of "nigger." Notice how only "nigger" bothered her, but all the racial slurs preceding it, did not offend her. Before I state my opinion, I want to mention key things Staff Sergeant Dizzle and our platoon sergeant, BossMan, mentioned as they arbitrated the incident. SSG Dizzle said, "If one racial slur offends you, they should all offend you! And if the word 'nigger' offends you, then I find it hard to see how y'all can listen to rap which uses it often. I hate hypocrisy!" Then BossMan retorted with, "In fact y'all should grow some thicker skin. I hear y'all say racist shit to each other all the time, yet it seems to bring unity and make y'all work together more. Unless it is used with sincere hate, y'all should stop bitching and whining." I could not agree more. There are some people who should be born mute, and JacksOff-HandsOn is one of those people. Every day she is unhappy or miserable, I feel such great ebullience in life and cannot help, but walk ecstatically.

Now that I am on the subject of the word "nigger," I want to discuss the difference between the racial slur "nigger" and the word, "nigga" which is a colloquial term acknowledging friendship. Unless you are over 50 years old, or are not one to have ANY interaction with society, it is obvious there is a difference between "nigger" and "nigga."

Since my little sister began following in my steps and started adapting a behavior marked by cynicism and clever remarks, she began to bully me about being the darkest one in our family. Everyone, being paternal and maternal aunts, uncles, and cousins, is nicely tanned, whereas I am, well dark as fuck in comparison to them. Being ironic, I always called my sister, "my lil nigga." I never felt any discomfort in saying it because I always had a myriad of friends from all races, including black ones, who had no problem with me calling them, "my niggas." Thus, applying the terminology of my friends, as well as my own stemming from my Mexican ancestry, I referred to my friends as "vatos, homies, homes, and niggas." Seeing as how I have not seen my little sister, whom I love dearly, in seven months, I was more than joyed to spend time with "my lil nigga." However, seeing as how my family lives in a suburb of Los Angeles, it is uncommon to hear "nigga," so of course my dad felt uncomfortable knowing that someone, especially someone who should feel nothing but indifference, would be offended, and he was right.

While I was on leave, I connected my laptop to the house DSL line, because I would just leave it on all day and night. I had a habit of leaving my facebook, AIM, and myspace logged in whie I left and my sister chose to exploit this fault. She would have conversations with my friends using my AIM screen name, but most of all she took great pleasure in fucking around with my myspace profile, before logging on to her own. However, she was just as forgetful in signing out so I would retaliate and fuck with her myspace profile as well, thus sparking a "fuck with each other's myspace" war. One thing I happened to change on her profile which she did not notice was her "Who I'd Like to Meet" in which I wrote, "Already met my fav niggas!." A week after I came back from leave, we exchanged these messages:
*My sister is almost 12 years old.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Liz
Date: Aug 7, 2008 11:41 PM

uuugggghhhh freakin kuya!!!!!!!!!!!
*Kuya means "big brother" in Tagalog. I am Fillipino and Mexican.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Iceman
Date: Aug 7, 2008 9:51 PM

wtf Chuch!
*Chuch is a term of endearment Poon came up with for his sister and I stole it from him, because at the request of my dad, I would stop calling my sister "my lil nigga." In a drunken state, he said, "Well in spanish 'chula' means 'pretty' and my sister is religious and goes to church all the time, so I put 'chula' and 'church' to make 'Chuch.' I just started saying it when I came home drunk one day and she was the first person I saw."

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Liz
Date: Aug 7, 2008 11:53 PM

okay ssooo my so called friend read my "who id like to meet" section!her step dad is blackhold on i'll send you her stupid msg

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Iceman
Date: Aug 7, 2008 9:55 PM

hahaha ok

----------------- Original Message -------------------
From: Liz
Date: Aug 7, 2008 11:57 PM

exuse me you say nigga that offends me n my dad n u dont have me on your top thats just mest up .................well.........................................................................................................................bye

lizzie-ssoo yeah whatever,i deleted everything that got her pissed off

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Iceman
Date: Aug 7, 2008 10:00 PM

pssssh fuck that nigga chuch, she is just mad shes not on your top
she doesn't know how to spell anyways, she's a fucking idiot

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Liz
Date: Aug 7, 2008 10:15 PM

lol i know



Curious about the situation, I called my sister last friday on my lunch break to see if there was any update.

Me: Hey Mom, lemme talk to Chuch.
Sister: Hi Kuya!
Me: Hey Chuch, did your idiot friend message you back?
Sis: No she hasn't replied or talked to me since.
Me: Fuck her anwyays. Just don't tell Dad ok?
Sis: Freakin' duhhh! He'll just call and get mad at you, he will beat my ass! Got to go, bye!
Me: Peace, nigga.

It was not fifteen minutes when my dad called me and we had this conversation.

Dad: What the hell?!?! I told you someone would be offended!
Me: What???
Dad: Gabi's dad just called me about the word "nigger" on your sister's page, and I know you are the one who did it!
Me: Bullshit! I put "nigga." Big difference! Wait, is Gabi's dad, Brian? The guy I met at one of Chuch's soccer games?
Dad: Still though! I warned you this would happen. Now he's pissed off! And yes, that's him.
Me: Dad! He's not even black! He just has black skin. That bastard grew up in Beverly Hills! Now he lives on Spyglass Hill! The RICHEST NEIGHBORHOOD OF WHITTIER! He shouldn't have been offended! It doesn't apply to him! He should feel offended if I called him a fucking honky!
Dad: JESUS! SHUT UP! Here is his number! 562-698-****! Call him and apologize!
Me: Fuck no dude!
Dad: For your sister's sake.
Me: Low blow dude, not cool. Fine. I'll call right now. Talk to you later Dad.
Dad: Thank you. Bye.

As I dialed the number and contemplated what I would say, I remembered something important, I am the Iceman, one who has a cold heart marked by asserting authority and intelligence over those who are weak while attempting to shatter their dreams and souls. This is the conversation we had over the phone:

Brian: Hello?
Me: Hi, my name is PFC Iceman with the United States Army. I am calling on behalf of my sister, Elizabeth.
Brian: Ahh yes. So you're calling about the incident.
Me: Yes I am. I just want to assert that it was a misunderstanding and I shouldn't have to be calling you.
Brian: So it seems we are on the same page.
Me: So you know you overreacted. Excellent!
Brian: Overreacted?!?! You used a racial slur!!!
Me: Hey! Don't raise your fucking voice at me you fucking civi! I'm trying to resolve this in an adult manner.
Brian: WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?!?!
Me: I said calm down fucker! I will break your neck with my penis if you don't stop yelling in the phone!
Brian: Well I am outraged at the fact a racial slur offended me and you can't realize that!
Me: Hey idiot! I never used a racial slur!
Brian: You wrote "nigger" on your sister's myspace!
Me: You are just the most xenophobic, ignorant piece of shit! I wrote "nigga," not "nigger!"
Brian: It is the same thing!
Me: No it is not! Wait, weren't you born and raised in Beverly Hills?!
Brian: What does that have to do with anything!
Me: EVERYTHING! You just have a dark skin complexion! You know nothing about being "black" or being raised in an urban enviroment! You should not have been offended at all! It does not apply to you!!!
Brian: You are just some dumb, punk loser who enlisted!
Me: That was mature, you racist motherfuck! And for your information I applied to UCLA and Columbia, and was accepted, based on my academic excellence and not by having my dad buy off the admissions office or without me sucking dick and swallowing sperm, unlike you spoiled jackoff! I enlisted to serve my nation so you have the freedom to keep sucking dick behind your wife's back, who has great tits I will admit.
Brian: This conversation is over.
Me: Good talking to you homie. Peace out nigga!!

As if I could not be further satisfied with angering a spoiled rich man, my dad left this message in my voicemail the next day:

"Well I hope you're happy. Gabi's dad transferred her to another middle school and pulled her off the soccer team so they can avoid any association with us."

Even more so, my delight was further tickled when my sister left this message in my voicemail:

"Hey Kuya. I'm sure you heard Dad's message by now. I just wanted to say don't worry about me losing friends or being ostracized by the school faculty. The faculty still remembers your accomplishments and acted as if nothing happened and all my friends think you are the coolest person ever. I am more popular than ever before! Love you, bye!

I know by now you have innumerable thoughts running through your head, but are speechless. Yes I went there, and proved a point. They should take this blog post and teach it in a sociology class. Peace out niggas!

Have an airborne day,
565 Airborne, out.

Typical Day

At the request of one of my buddies, who I will call Been-Jammin I am going to write about a typical day of work in 5th platoon. We have what is a well persona-balanced group of people. You all already know much of how Sergeant Trenches is and you can always read more about what goes on in his head at sgttrenches.blogspot.com. There is also Been-Jammin a Caribbean Islander who will not refrain from speaking his mind; Do-ham is southerner from Tennessee with the typical hick accent and lack of a social filter which results with many insults being thrown around carelessly; Jackoff-HandsOn a stupid bitch who claims to have PTSD(although she has not seen combat for shit) and will blab away refusing to shut her fucking trap as well as being known for being a nasty whore(you may have read about in "Me a Jody?!? No, Not Really, So It's Ok;" she is the fucktard who was looking at dildos on my computer); Ski is a fucking guinea from Boston, or Rhode Island, I do not really know; Tammy is actually a male who earned his nickname by putting Sergeant Trenches and their squad leader Staff Sergeant Dizzle through many frustrating days of emotion and self-pity; Stretch as you may know from my entry, "Problematic Roommates," is still a worthless piece of shit waste of taxpaying dollars; Monkey, the blackest guy I have ever met; 3Speed is a female who came to the unit always moving slow, earning her the nickname 1Speed, but after engaging in a relationship with well liked soldier, Bus, has shifted gears into being a "high-speed" soldier, though she still seems to suffer from narcolepsy; Tomboy whom Sergeant Trenches tried to date, but you can read about that failure yourself(http://sgttrenches.blogspot.com/2008_04_01_archive.html); Black Magic who is well, just pimp; there also a handful of others in my platoon, but they are typical, boring people that whine and bitch like every other day, or are just people that have not done much yet to earn a place in my blog.

The plan for the day was to wake up, draw weapons, and head to the motorpool for hours of work and inspections. Well it is not really a typical day considering we did not have PT, but the work we did is quite orthodox to us. In case you do not know what a layout is or are unfamiliar with this military practice, imagine a large shed in the middle of a parking lot, and having to take everything out of that shed and organize it neatly in the parking lot; we had much to layout including: troop tents, camo nets, poles for the camo nets, car jacks, a myriad of 5 gallon water containers, many spools of commo wire and field phones; yeah, fuck my life. This is the course of not-so-funny-but-still-humorous-in-a-way events that took place.


4:20am: My alarm goes off. Fuck my life.

4:56: After putting on my uniform, and spending time cleaning the mess Stretch- that dirty fucking douchebag-made in my room, I walk outside with all my gear and realize that Been-Jammin took off without me, thinking I left really early. Fuck my life.

5:03: Been-Jammin returned to pick me up and we arrive at the company to draw weapons and have our ID cards and dogtags inspected.

5:05: I clear my weapon. Been-Jammin makes his first vulgar comment against Jacksoff-HandsOn for the day. "That fucking nasty whore; why is she drawing a weapon? Is she gonna say she's gonna kill herself again? I fucking hope so; nasty stupid bitch." I laugh.

5:06: Breger, the training operations soldier is inspecting our ID cards; she is being the usual cunt that she is; I make a wish that she dies lonely, and fatter than she is now.

5:40: We put all our weapons, plus some CBRN equipment in a humvee and carpool to the motorpool.

5:41: On our way to the motorpool, Been-Jammin makes his second comment of the day. "Looking at Jacksoff-HandsOn makes me hate life. I wish someone would run her over." I say, "No Balls." He says, "I wish I had the balls to do it." I laugh.

5:55: Hot chow arrives. While I am sitting down eating next to Ski and Been-Jammin, he makes his third comment for the day. "Look at Jacksoff-HandsOn, she just sits there pretending to be part of other people's conversations; that nasty whore." Ski and I laugh.

6:00: I shoot the shit talking to one of our supply specialists and a buddy from 6th platoon. He says that the supply specialist is the sham king. I say, "If Mendoza is the sham king, then Monkey must be the god." We laugh at the acknowledgement of Monkey being lazy.

6:10: We begin pulling all the shit out of our conex(the shed) for the next few hours. We work quite quickly and efficiently; I am impressed with our teamwork.
Been-Jammin states how he wants to take down("fuck") Tomboy. I laugh.

9:35: After working for hours to get everything out of the conex and organize it in the motorpool, we all sit down and take a break. Black Magic makes a comment about Jacksoff-HandsOn possibly educing a comment out of Been-Jammin. However, my squad leader anticipates it and motions to Been-Jammin not to say anything. We all laugh. We disperse a bit to talk amongst ourselves. I sing a verse from "Business Time" by Flight of the Conchords. Been-Jammin laughs.

9:50: Some of the guys start talking about Jacksoff-HandsOn. Monkey makes false accusations about some of the guys in our platoon fucking her. Been-Jammin talks to me about his frustration from Monkey accusing him of fucking Jacksoff-HandsOn. I recall a conversation with Monkey a few months back and tell Been-Jammin, giving him a chance to have the upper hand. This conversation occurs:

Monkey: Tttelllla I'm telling you, we all know you fucked her.
Been-Jammin: You wanna keep talking shit?
Monkey: I'm just saying the truth.
Been-Jammin: Is that so? Well I clearly remember you saying one day, "Damn she's trying to fuck another guy in the condemned barracks again? Last night she was in my room trying to play with my dick."

Everyone laughs.

Monkey: What?!?! I didn't fucking say that!
Been-Jammin: Bullshit. I can call out someone here who was also there when you said it.
Monkey: Do it then, call him out.
Been-Jammin: Tell him airborne.
Me: You fucking monkey ethiopian. Don't lie.
Everyone: HAAHAHAAAAHHHAHAHAHA!!!
Monkey: This is bullshit! That didn't happen!
Me: Is that so? Wait. Can I actually see you blushing under all that black, dark monkey skin of yours?
Everyone: HAHAHAHAHAAHA!

10:30: We begin laying out all our gear and uniforms for inspection. I realize I forgot my PT belt. Fuck my life. Do-ham notices that Jacksoff-HandsOn is the only idiot laying her stuff out different from the rest of us. Been-Jammin makes his fourth comment of the day; "That stupid bitch. I would steal her shit, but it probably smells like motorpussy!" I laugh. I still do not know what motorpussy means. Fucking islanders crack me up haha. Tammy says he has an extra PT belt; I say I need it, but Jacksof-HandsOn claims she called it first and rushes her pygmy ass to grab it. Fuck her. I am pissed, considering I let Tammy borrow Luigi's e-tool for a month and had to stop Luigi from kicking his ass for not returning it. Fuck Tammy. He is not getting my help ever again. He can cry and whine like he always does. Sorry Trenches, I know you are his team leader and all, but fuck Tammy and his self-pity.

11:00: Sheeny, the only Jewish soldier in our platoon brings me my PT belt. I make a mental note to spare his life and soul in the future. If only he would adopt daily hygiene practices, Sheeny would be a decent soldier. First Sergeant inspects my layout and does not say a thing. I rule.

12:00pm: We pack up all our gear and go to lunch. Been-Jammin makes what is possibly his fifteenth comment about Jacksoff-HandsOn; I lost count. "Look at that nasty whore trying to get a ride from 3Speed. Doesn't 3Speed know her car is now going to smell like nasty cunt?" I laugh. After I finish eating lunch, I call Domino's Pizza to order some food for the squad leaders; they always looks out for me, encourage and motivate me to do my best, ordering them some pizza is the least I can do. Lo and behold, my one night stand answers the phone. She thanks me again for a fun night and resultingly, I only pay seven dollars to have two medium pizzas and a bottle of soda to be delivered to the motorpool.

12:45: The pizza arrives and remembering that Tomboy did not eat lunch, I decide to take the food to the sergeants first, hoping they will devour it before she goes to them. I drop off the food, then go tell Tomboy there is pizza in the office. The sergeants devoured it instantly. Success as I hoped. That is what Tomboy gets for being a fucking tease with my friend, Trenches, and for lying about things Been-Jammin did because she wants to pretend to be a squad leader and says she is "looking out for her soldier(Jacksoff-HandsOn)." Whatever fucktard. Squad Leader my ass. I clearly remember our Sergeant Major and First Sergeant determining she does not have the knowledge or military bearing deeming her to be in a promotable status to the rank of Sergeant. Dream on you useless bitch.

1:00: The rest of our equipment is inspected. We do pretty good. Our vehicle dispatches are fucked. It is Tammy's fault. He likes to take responsibility of that task but fucks it up like he fucks his life up. Everytime I see Trenches, I sing a verse of "Business Time." He always laughs. Black Magic's phone rings several times throughout the day playing, "American Boy" by Estelle. I feel motivated. For the rest of the day I decide I am going to sing the same lyrics from Gwen Stefani's song, "Hollaback Girl." 6th platoon laughs everytime they hear me go, "The shit is bananas, B-A-N-A-N-A-S. THE SHIT IS BANANAS! B-A-N-A-N-A-S! The shit is bananas, B-A-N-A-N-A-S. THE SHIT IS BANANAS! B-A-N-A-N-A-S! Few times been around that track, so it's not just gonna happen like that, cause I ain't no hollaback girl. I ain't no hollaback girl!"

5:30: All our gear is the trailer of one of the humvees. The nets are on our BIDS trucks, we are ready to go home. People still bitch knowing we were told to an expect a long day. Black Magic takes charge and gets the last few taskings done. Where were you there Tomboy, Ms. I-Wanna-Be-A-Squad-Leader? Oh yeah, I clearly remember you leaving early, abandoning us at the motorpool. You suck at life and at being a soldier, let alone a squad leader, or acting sergeant.

6:15: I make it back to my room at the same time Stretch does. It was at least 102 degrees not accounting for the humidity; I long for a shower. Stretch goes back, changes his clothes, and leaves without showering. That nasty fuck.

11:00pm: Considering the next day will be even longer, I go to sleep after watching TV. I say my prayers, count my blessings, and plead to God to not let the weak into the Army anymore. God acknowledges my prayer and says no. I thank Him for listening anyways.



Have an airborne day,
565 Airbone out

Teenage Fun At the Expense of Others

I just had to post this because I find myself telling it to my friends and coworkers quite often because it fills me with absolute joy and humor.

Growing up, I was privileged, not in that my family was wealthy or spent wealthy, but that my parents did their best to raise me. I would say they did a damn good job. Sure I am disrespectful, but it is only to stupid people who do not deserve any respect and although I can be the biggest asshole some people will ever meet in their lives, I can be caring and compassionate, although it rarely happens nowadays. My parents were always there for me and I love them for that. My cousin(not Luigi) however, was not as fortunate. His douche bag father abandoned him when we were still very young. My aunt was left to raise him herself. We lived in the same house for about five years, but still lived a few blocks away from each other for some seven plus years and from then at least lived in the same city until we reached high school when he moved to another county. Neither one of us had siblings until we were about seven years old, so that factor, plus being the same age resulted us with growing up together as more than cousins, but more like brothers. We always looked out for each other and generally liked the same things.

When we were 13 or 14 years old, my cousin found the perfect activity to ease our summer boredom. Well actually, my cousin found the perfect activity as I would just watch; he would put on gloves and make snowballs of dry ice and throw them at people. At first he refrained from throwing them at people's faces and would aim for their arms and legs. We laughed so hard as we saw people run home crying and bleeding. Then one day I coaxed him into throwing them at people's faces. "Dude, he is fucking ugly. I know I'm not really good looking to judge how people look, but he is fucking ugly." From then on, the people we truly despised would find themselves victims to a dry ice snowball to the face. My cousin always acknowledged the hard work and sacrifice his mom made in raising him alone so, I pitied the soul who would disrespect his or her mom and have my cousin find out; that would be two dry ice snowballs to the face.

Although this activity has disfigured a handful of faces, ruined lives, and crushed much self-esteem, I still laugh about it every time I think about it. I do not give a fuck whether you think it is funny or not. Go ahead and pester me about it, I will personally throw a dry ice snowball at your face. So instead of bitching about how I am going to Hell, you should just buy me a beer or buy me a shot, and give me a high five. Liquor is always fun and the high five will never die.



Have an airborne day,
565 Airborne out.

Fucking the Pizza Delivery Girl

Seeing as how I have been lagging on the blog posts, I figured I should post this story too.



Whenever I am sans-roommate or I realize that my roommate will not be in for awhile, or days on end, I take the opportunity to shower as long as I want, but more importantly I can air dry after the shower and remain in my birthday suit. Now I know what some of you may be thinking, "He just sits around nude??? He must be a pervert or some type of sexual deviant," but no, I do not sit around nude for the purpose of sexual desire. Honestly, who the fuck gets sexual pleasure from sitting around nude? Not me. I just like the cool feeling from my air conditioner all over my body. If you lived in the ridiculous humidity ridden weather of Louisiana, you would understand.



So there I was sitting in my room, after a fresh shower, just typing away as I communicated with friends back home, when someone knocked on my door. Mind you I was sitting at my computer, in my birthday suit for about two hours before came that knock, that plus the nudity feels so natural to me that I forgot about my lack of clothing as I stood up to answer the door. I open the door to see a young, recent high school graduate, attractive female delivering pizzas for Domino's Pizza. Confused because I did not order any pizza, I said, "Sorry wrong room, I didn't order any pizza," but she was so surprised at the random sight of a nude soldier standing in front of her, that she could hardly speak. After regaining some composure she says, "I'm......looking......for........Charlie 14." Right as I was about to say, "Yeah this is Bravo 14," I noticed it was my nudity that caught her tongue. I look down and back at her somewhat acknowledging I understand her shocked state of being, but me being me, I look her straight in the eyes and ask, "Well...do you wanna come in?" At this point you are expecting that I am going to tell you how she slapped me, kicked me in the testicles, called me a pervert, ran off and reported me for sexual harassment, but no that is not what happened. She looks at me, blushes, smiles and says, "Ummm I don't get off of work for another two hours. Can I come back then?"
Of course I said "Sure!" and then gave her my phone number. I was surprised myself, but shrugged it off and went back to my computer expecting her NOT to call or come back. Two hours later though, as if by some coincidence, Marcy Playground's "Sex and Candy" starts ringing from my cell phone; she called back. I was speechless. She said she was just going to rush home, shower, and change before she came over. I told her to fuck that idea and to head straight to my room; she complied. For some reason I put on shorts, as if they were going to stay on for very long. Now this girl must have been on some long abstinent stint or just had a bad dry spell-I do not blame her for not wanting to sleep with the same old hillbilly boodro punk from around here-because when I opened the door, she stepped in, closed the door and pounced on my face with her tongue. Obviously I did not make any attempt to resist. Now I do not need to go into detail about what happened; it was simply making out, foreplay, and sex, hours of sex. Somewhere in the rest breaks between the sex I caught her name and that she recently graduated from high school. That is all I know and remember about her. One thing I really liked about her, was her complete understanding of a one night stand. At no point did we ever talk a relationship or dating, it was a night of sex and that was that.


Here is a list of people whom have involuntarily seen me naked or whom I flashed my genitals to:

• Several Postal workers
• Jehovah Witnesses
• Mormons
• New neighbors
• 80% of the people who went on the Eurotrip last year
• Half the cross country team my sophomore year in high school
• French teens sightseeing in Italy
• Every French police officer I saw from our tour bus
• Multiple Louisiana residents
• Just about any freshmen my senior year
• Anti-war hippies I saw on my way to MEPS before leaving for basic training

That is not counting the thousands of people who have had the liberty of seeing me moon them with my brown ass. That's about it, for now. I will surely flash more people.

Have an airborne day, 565 Airborne out.

Conversations With Tbelle Part II: Pissing off Luigi's Girlfriend

PapagenuSasafras: hey is my cousin in the field or is he jsut really focused on his ps3
Tbelle: Umm I think hes just playing video games
Tbelle: unless he fell asleep
Tbelle: once hes out youd have to bitch slap him to wake him up i think, he doesnt hear his phone
PapagenuSasafras: he hasnt been online all day
PapagenuSasafras: and i have a proposition to get him out of work lol
Tbelle: Yeah ps3 has taken over his life
PapagenuSasafras: lol
Tbelle: hes like i have to be home at 7:10 so i can play playstation
Tbelle: is he not answering his phone?
PapagenuSasafras: no, but i only tried twice
Tbelle: He prob fell asleep cause he usually calls me by now
Tbelle: ive been replaced by a video game
PapagenuSasafras: hahahaha
Tbelle: so i think if you wanna talk to him youre gonna have to go pound on his door
PapagenuSasafras: i'll probably go over tomorrow and become enveloped in the system too
Tbelle: god you guys are such penises
PapagenuSasafras: you're sucha vagina
Tbelle: My ex used to call me a vagina
Tbelle: and a cunt
PapagenuSasafras: lol
Tbelle: obviously as a joke
PapagenuSasafras: thats still horrible though
PapagenuSasafras: i only called two girls a cunt ever in my life
Tbelle: If hed said it to me seriously i wouldve broken his neck
Tbelle: but since he was joking i thought it was really funny
Tbelle: whyd you call the girls cunts btw
PapagenuSasafras: cause they deserved it
Tbelle: I had an ex call me a scheming bitch
Tbelle: he gave me a little too much credit though since i wasnt even plotting anything against him
PapagenuSasafras: haha, get luigi to kick his ass
Tbelle: That boy is in navy bootcamp as we speak
Tbelle: So even if I wanted to I couldnt
PapagenuSasafras: what?!!? what a queer!
Tbelle: hahah thats what luigi said
Tbelle: i have 2 exes in the navy actually
PapagenuSasafras: so you've dated two flaming queers?
Tbelle: They were actually best friends hahah
Tbelle: But I dated one like 3 years after the first one so it wasnt that weird
Tbelle: Yeah they turned out to be pretty weird
PapagenuSasafras: lol
Tbelle: are navy guys really that weird
Tbelle: or are you two just being dicks
PapagenuSasafras: we're being dicks
Tbelle: ill act surprised now
PapagenuSasafras: lol
Tbelle: wait were you the one that luigi used to call when you guys were playing grand theft auto?
PapagenuSasafras: yeah it was either me or ramponi
Tbelle: I kind of think itwas you
PapagenuSasafras: or all three of us
Tbelle: and you started talking about how you had a girlfriend who was a stripper in the game
PapagenuSasafras: lol no that was ramponi
PapagenuSasafras: but i was there
Tbelle: hahah
Tbelle: nooo cause ramponi has the accent
PapagenuSasafras: i never had a stripper in the game, i always just killed people
Tbelle: Ohh well then maybe it was him
PapagenuSasafras: i had sex with a stripper once though
Tbelle: oh really
Tbelle: was she at least cute
PapagenuSasafras: yes, she gave me my first lap dance, and when i went back home on leave, she found the whole paratrooper thing really hot
Tbelle: what type of female have you not had sex with
Tbelle: lets just narrow this topic down
PapagenuSasafras: thats kinda hard. you ask, and i'll attest to
Tbelle: married?
PapagenuSasafras: no
Tbelle: black girl?
PapagenuSasafras: yes
Tbelle: asian girl?
PapagenuSasafras: yes
Tbelle: Bisexual girl?
PapagenuSasafras: yes
Tbelle: Underage girl
PapagenuSasafras: yes
Tbelle: while you were in another relationship?
PapagenuSasafras: nope and never will
Tbelle: with a friend's gf/chick they were dating
PapagenuSasafras: no not one of my friend's
Tbelle: im assuming youve done all of the hair colors then
Tbelle: a punk girl?
PapagenuSasafras: yup
Tbelle: hmmm i dont know what other types there are
Tbelle: i think youve banged everyone
Tbelle: ohh wait, someoen who didnt speak english?
PapagenuSasafras: yes; lying to my parents about wanting to see the rome nightlife alone to bang an italian chick was awesome
Tbelle: ok so your penis has been everywhere
PapagenuSasafras: not just yet
Tbelle: yes its true
Tbelle: luigi is alive
Tbelle: he just called
PapagenuSasafras: good to know lol
Tbelle: luigi says he wants to impregnate me
PapagenuSasafras: hahaha go for it
Tbelle: fuck no im 20
PapagenuSasafras: thats the first sensible thing i have heard from someone around my age say in awhile
Tbelle: hahah im a realistic person
PapagenuSasafras: too many young people around here are getting married and having kids; they need a father, as opposed to being one
Tbelle: Yeah everyones making babies
Tbelle: oh luigi says he was "in the box" when you called
PapagenuSasafras: oh ok
Tbelle: and that one of your friends saw him today and was scared cause he was all dirty
PapagenuSasafras: makes sense
Tbelle: i dont know what that means; dont wanna know
PapagenuSasafras: yeah there are a bunch of pussies in my unit that get freaked easily
Tbelle: oh and he says he needs his etool and his dildo back
PapagenuSasafras: i'll get it tomorrow and you mean your dildo, which i lent to the nasty whores around here so they would stop bugging me; you should probably bleach it
Tbelle: luigi says he has a ta50 inspection so he needs it or something
PapagenuSasafras: when's his inspection?
Tbelle: around 4:30
PapagenuSasafras: 0430, or 1630?
Tbelle: 1630
PapagenuSasafras: ok i'll call him tomorrow
Tbelle: luigi says he cant wait to hear your voice
PapagenuSasafras: the voice of reason, he can only take so much of listening to your nonsense
Tbelle: Shut up im the voice of reason not you
PapagenuSasafras: if that be true, we are all doomed
Tbelle: no people could use advice like mine
PapagenuSasafras: i'll give you credit for the reason for that girl still having sex with me eventhough i was an ass
Tbelle: im the queen of relationship advice, i know everything about it
PapagenuSasafras: you're a queen on fuckbuddy relationship advice, but the court jester at the rest
Tbelle: hahaha please
Tbelle: oh luigi wants to know if you got any "knick knack patty wack"
Tbelle: which is so embarrassing to even type out
PapagenuSasafras: hahaha not lately
Tbelle: He thinks i dont know what it means
PapagenuSasafras: i love how he's using my comical euphemisms now
Tbelle: oh so he got it from you, go figure
PapagenuSasafras: don't be jealous homie
Tbelle: When I mean ass I say ass i dont need "comical" euphemisms
PapagenuSasafras: that makes it funnier though
PapagenuSasafras: saying "sex" gets boring after awhile
PapagenuSasafras: saying "knick knack paddy whack" adds humor to getting laid
Tbelle: No thats just weird
PapagenuSasafras: to you because you're so close minded and jealous you didnt think of it first
Tbelle: I cant believe you caught onto my jealousy through IMs
Tbelle: youre sooo perceptive
PapagenuSasafras: apology accepted
Tbelle: that was no apology
PapagenuSasafras: yes i forgive your racist heart and soul of bigotry
Tbelle: Im only racist towards you
PapagenuSasafras: because i am my own race of excellence and accomplishment
PapagenuSasafras: compliment noted
Tbelle: You are incredibly delusional
Tbelle: Im gonna form a group similar to KKK
Tbelle: except itll only target you, as an individual
PapagenuSasafras: your hatred towards me reminds me of how important i am
Tbelle: i hate plenty of unimportant people
Tbelle: youre number 1
PapagenuSasafras: yeah but i'm so important you need to form an organized group
Tbelle: Because youre a menace to society
Tbelle: especially individuals who own a vagina
PapagenuSasafras: why thank you; you just love to compliment me don't you hahaha
Tbelle: Only a narcissist could twist insults into compliments like you do
PapagenuSasafras: no narcissim here, i don't love myself, i'm more megalomaniacal
Tbelle: Well im glad someones given a name for whats wrong with you
PapagenuSasafras: hahaha this conversation is going on my blog
PapagenuSasafras: anything you'd like to say to my readers before i hit the hay?
Tbelle: Actually
Tbelle: No I have nothing further to say to you
Tbelle: youve emotionally drained me
PapagenuSasafras: hahaha i feel yet even more accomplished
PapagenuSasafras: i emotionally drained you and i did not even have to sleep with you
PapagenuSasafras: i am awesome
PapagenuSasafras: goodnight
Tbelle: Night dick

Conversations With Tbelle Part I: Bean/Fry Diets and Stylish Pubes

Luigi's girlfriend was replaced by the Playstation 3, so resultingly she tried to vent her anger and frustration on me through a series of instant message conversations. This is only the first half. My screen name is "Papagenusasafras" if you cannot tell by reading it.





PapagenuSasafras: i was just having the worst day
PapagenuSasafras: thankfully i went to eat some good food and was able to get my mind off of it all
Tbelle:haha did you eat away your feelings
PapagenuSasafras: pretty much
PapagenuSasafras: i eat when i'm insane
PapagenuSasafras: i eat when i'm happy
PapagenuSasafras: i eat when things are so and so
Tbelle: So basically you eat no matter how you feel
PapagenuSasafras: yup
Tbelle: well, youre a growing boy
Tbelle: im older than you
Tbelle: i get to say stuff like that
PapagenuSasafras: yeah, by like a year lol
Tbelle: A year wiser
Tbelle: it counts
PapagenuSasafras: lol
Tbelle: i hope you dont eat beans on top of french fries like luigi does
Tbelle: cause if you do you repulse me
PapagenuSasafras: haha
PapagenuSasafras : like refried beans?
Tbelle: yeah
Tbelle: i think
Tbelle: idk he said beans
PapagenuSasafras: lol
PapagenuSasafras: well i like chili beans on top of fries
Tbelle: wtf
Tbelle: repulsive
PapagenuSasafras: you're repulsive
PapagenuSasafras: and outlandish
Tbelle: hahah
Tbelle: Im not the one sitting around eating beans on top of french fries
Tbelle: thats outlandish and repulsive
Tbelle: and offensive too
PapagenuSasafras: i see it as defensive
PapagenuSasafras: your disgusted opinion is obviously a result of stemmed racism
Tbelle: Yeah my disgust with you guys eating beans and fries comes from my racism
Tbelle: i dont know what im racist towards
Tbelle: but its def racism
PapagenuSasafras: you're racist towards studly, young, brown dudes. duh!!!
PapagenuSasafras: haha
Tbelle: so wait...then how am I racist towards you?
PapagenuSasafras: i just realized i brought about that whole thing the wrong way, so now i can’t bail myself out
Tbelle: Its because youre young and naive
PapagenuSasafras: no it’s because i didn’t tread about it carefully lol
Tbelle: NAIVETE!
Tbelle: and prob the beans and fries combo doesnt help
PapagenuSasafras: well you're feigned and guile
Tbelle: putting thesaurus.com to good use?
PapagenuSasafras: no i just have a high vocabulary
PapagenuSasafras: 12 years of being a nerd in school
Tbelle: good we're kindred souls
PapagenuSasafras: lol
Tbelle: luigi is upset because he said you two had a date in his bed
PapagenuSasafras: i was gonna go play ps3, but i have to be on standby near my toilet
Tbelle: umm he wants to know hwy
Tbelle: but i dont know if i particularly want to know myself
PapagenuSasafras: well i ate at Hana's
PapagenuSasafras: the japanese restaurant
PapagenuSasafras: so i ate A LOT
PapagenuSasafras: and now my stomach is talking
Tbelle: he says hes more than willing to give you some pepto bismol
PapagenuSasafras: that shit won’t work
PapagenuSasafras: it’s gotta come out
Tbelle: he says he wants to nurse you back to health
PapagenuSasafras: whatever lol
Tbelle: with his own to hands
Tbelle: this conversation is getting weird maybe you two should just talk so that im not the middle woman
PapagenuSasafras: yeah we are
PapagenuSasafras: he's telling me about mgs4
Tbelle: is that his video game?
Tbelle: i call everything nintendo
Tbelle: luigi gets offended
PapagenuSasafras: sadhkfl;ashdf
PapagenuSasafras: YOU ARE REPULSIVE!
Tbelle: i guess you do too?
Tbelle: Shut up bean eater
PapagenuSasafras: shut up lover of bean eaters
Tbelle: im gonna lock you in a room with just a bunch of cans of beans
Tbelle: and by the time you get out
Tbelle: youll hate them
Tbelle: and ill have cured you of this disgusting obsession
PapagenuSasafras: and i'll lock you in a room with nothing but beans and fries so you have a reason to hate them
Tbelle: I already hate them
Tbelle: ill just hate them more
Tbelle: and then once you let me out of the room
Tbelle: ill make a point of throwing up on you
Papagenusasafras: i'll open the door when you are passed out
Tbelle: why the hell would i be unconscious?
Tbelle: i dont think beans and fries make me that sick
PapagenuSasafras: you have to sleep some time
Tbelle: so youll just open the door and run away
Tbelle: what a wimp
PapagenuSasafras: no, i'll piss on your hand, then tickle your face with a feather
Tbelle: hahha fuck you
PapagenuSasafras: lol
Tbelle: who the hell pisses on someones hand
PapagenuSasafras: paratroopers
Tbelle: and I dont think youd get near me with the feather i think the warm wet urine would wake me up first
PapagenuSasafras: nope
PapagenuSasafras: because your body would be in shock and disoriented from a french fry and bean diet
Tbelle: Id prob stop eating that shit after day 2
Tbelle: so you were in honors and AP classes in hs?
PapagenuSasafras: yup
Tbelle: oohh so you were one of THOSE kids
PapagenuSasafras: yup
PapagenuSasafras: but i partied hardcore, so i was THAT GUY
Tbelle: a pain in the ass probably
PapagenuSasafras: i was
Tbelle: was, are
Tbelle: same thing
PapagenuSasafras: lol
Tbelle: when do you get out of the army?
Tbelle: 2010 like luigi?
Papagenusasafras: nope
PapagenuSasafras: 2012
PapagenuSasafras: but i'll probably reenlist as an officer
Tbelle: ooohh
Tbelle: so you and my sister are talking?
PapagenuSasafras: yeah a little bit
Tbelle: I cant believe you asked her to cyber
Tbelle: thats so weird
Tbelle: thats not the way to go around getting girls to like you
Tbelle: who does that anymore anyways
PapagenuSasafras: i did not ask her to cyber
PapagenuSasafras: where did you get that idea from?
Tbelle: hahah i know i just like to say weird things
Tbelle: just to see peoples reactions
PapagenuSasafras: i tried it once
PapagenuSasafras: it was like watching a creepy porno
Tbelle: me and my best friend at the time used to go into chat rooms and get online boyfriends
Tbelle: when we were like 10 or 11
Tbelle: or 17...
PapagenuSasafras: hahaha XD
Tbelle: no we were like 11
PapagenuSasafras: sure
Tbelle: it was cool atthe time
Tbelle: everyone was doing it
Tbelle: ok by the time i was 16 i was able to get real boyfriends thank you very much
PapagenuSasafras: lol
Tbelle: when i was younger i had to wear head gear
Tbelle: not out in public
Tbelle: but i still had to wear it
Tbelle: http://itp.nyu.edu/~alo244/headgear.jpg
Tbelle: that
PapagenuSasafras: no way!
PapagenuSasafras: that thing is old school!
Tbelle: Yeah it was bullshit
Tbelle: i hated that thing
Tbelle: hahah you cock fiend luigi does not flash me his penis on webcam
PapagenuSasafras: lol
PapagenuSasafras: well he said he would someday lol
Tbelle: Well ill be seeing it soon enough i dont think ill need to see it on webcam too
Tbelle: its not like penises are all that unique looking
PapagenuSasafras: tell him to shave your initials in his pubes
Tbelle: the S would be kind of scary to make I think
PapagenuSasafras: true
PapagenuSasafras: just a big T would be easy
Tbelle: One time a few years ago I had a bf decide to make an arrow pointing down towards his penis
Tbelle: and when he pulled down his pants he was so proud of himself
PapagenuSasafras: i'm trying to see if i can do the airborne wings one day
Tbelle: They have kits for making shapes like that
Tbelle: and dyes too
Tbelle: if you wanna go crazy one of these days
PapagenuSasafras: i'm not that bored
Tbelle: although id be a little scared if i saw blue pubes
Tbelle: Ok says the one aspiring to make airborne wings on his crotch
PapagenuSasafras: thats something to be proud of though
PapagenuSasafras: thats army pride
Tbelle: some people take pride in making hearts
Tbelle: and then dying it red
Tbelle: ive seen pics of such
PapagenuSasafras: i'll make wings and dye it silver then
Tbelle: chicks will like that
Tbelle: woudl you ever consider waxing
PapagenuSasafras: never!
Tbelle: pussy
PapagenuSasafras: its not the pain
PapagenuSasafras: i just dont like how mine looks with absolutely no hair
PapagenuSasafras: i shaved it all once and it looked like a turkey
Tbelle: hahahaha
Tbelle: id be freaked out if a guy was totally bare
Tbelle: really scared actually
PapagenuSasafras: it looks so weird
Tbelle: its very porn star
Tbelle: which isnt hot
PapagenuSasafras: lol
Tbelle: are you still f-ing around w. that same girl
PapagenuSasafras: no she wants to go back and be loyal to her bf
PapagenuSasafras: haha
Tbelle: Id say the whole loyalty thing was shot to shit the first time she cheated but whatever floats her boat
PapagenuSasafras: yeah thats what i said
Tbelle: from how luigi made it sound, girls arent that hard to nail around there
PapagenuSasafras: its true
PapagenuSasafras: thats why they have so many stds
Tbelle: gross