Virgin Again

So I have this outlook on sex that pisses Mulan off. According to me, a guy regains his virginity if he goes a year without sex or fornication because the next time he does do anything, it will be quick and done with as if it was his first time. This does not apply to chicks obviously because the presence, or lack of, a hymen will determine her virginity.

Therefore I am a virgin again. Me = saintly virgin. Suck on that Mulan. xD

All The Way

There are few commanders in the military that are willing to do something fun for their troops, but thankfully I have one of those commanders. He had this great idea that for the whole morning, instead of going to work, we should go to the lake and do some team building training. All we did was go for a quick run and play snake tag in the water. After that everyone just goofed off in the water, fished, flirted with the girls at the lake, or was on a tube that was being pulled across the lake by our commander's boat.

Some of the guys started using their shirts to catch fish and after a few successful catches my squad leader started yelling for me to join in. However, I acted like a cocky asshol instead saying, "I don't need a fucking shirt OR a fishing pole. I'll catch a fucking fish with my hands." So I grabbed some peanuts and a slice of watermelon and headed into the water. I chewed up the peanut shells and spit them into the water to attract the fish to me. I stuck the watermelon slice into the sand and cupped my hands around it and waited patiently. After ten minutes a school of fish started nipping at the watermelon and my hands, and with my motherfucking badass quick reflexes I snagged a fish and brought it out of the water and loudly stated, "WHO'S THE FUCKING BADASS NOW BITCHES!"

Then someone had to throw another challenge at me saying, "If you are so badass, then you'll have no problem getting that girl's number." I cut a deal with some of the guys that if I got her number they would pitch in and pay me $100. So I walked over to her.

Me: Hey, what's up.
Her: Sorry, some of your buddies already tried. No thanks.
Me: What do you think I came over here for?
Her: To ask me if I wanted to give you head in the woods like all the other guys did.
Me: What the fuck?! That's why they came to talk to you?!
Her: Yes!
Me: Damn, I am really sorry. They're just a buncha stupid grunts.
Her: And you aren't?
Me: No, not really. I'm a pretty humble guy. (I'm so full of shit)
Her: Why did you come over here then?
Me: I just wanted to talk to you.
Her: There are more than enough girls already over there with y'all.
Me: Yeah but they're kinda slutty. If I wanted a blowjob, I would have kept flirting with that girl in the blue.
Her: Yeah that's one of my friends; she liked your tattoo, so she made a bet with my other friends that she could get you to fuck her in the water. (What the fuck!)
Me: Well I'm not like that.
Her: Well why did you come to talk to me then?
Me: Because you were here alone so I figured you weren't like the rest of them.
Her: And it's not to win some bet?
Me: I came here because I wanted to talk to you, but they threw in the bet, so I figured I could use that money to take you out on a date.
Her: Hmmm. Maybe.
Me: How about this, we exchange numbers and we can chat or text, and if you feel like you want to go out with me, I'll use that money for our first date. If we don't click, I'll never bug you again.
Her: Ok fair enough. *She tells me her name and gives me her number*
Me: Well I have to get going. I'll talk to you later.
Her: Nice meeting you.

I walk back and collect my hundred dollars. I will probably call and text her but I doubt we will actually go out. The most important thing is I won a hundred dollars and everyone in my company thinks I am the most slick, charming fuck in the unit.


After that we went to lunch and returned to post to go to work. I misinterpreted my squad leader to be a deep conversationalist.

SL: Why are we here?
Me: No one knows the true meaning of Life, but all we can do is live it and we don't die because of some stupid shit.
SL: No, why are we in this uniform?
Me: Because we are paratroopers serving in the fucking US Army.
SL: No, I mean, like why are we at work right now. I'm bored.
Me: Oh. I don't fucking know man! You're MY boss. You tell me!
SL: Call the dad and ask him.
Me: No, because if we call the XO he will give us work to do.
SL: You're right. Ok, lock the doors and unplug the phones, I'm taking a nap.


BTW, Why is a girl so adamant about me reading those fucking Twilight books?



Have an airborne day,
565 Airborne, out.

Rude Whores These Days

I usually try to avoid conflicts and start incidents. Well, no. That is a lie.



I went to return some keys to a friend and thank her for letting me use her car while I tried to fix my truck when I saw Whiskey Tango Kike and I started to talk to him about last rotation and his trip to Vegas. I was interrupted twice by this dike bitch but she at least apologized, so I bit my tongue, glared at her, and just walked away.

Then I went to go to talk to my buddy that used to be in my unit and see if he wanted to drink a bit. I was chatting with him for a few minutes when this barracks whore heard us talking about liquor and just jumped in the conversation. Neither one of us knew this bitch. All I know about her is that she is a whore and I know this for a fact because half my battalion has fucked her. Then one of her boyfriends from some pog, leg unit on post came up. I am trying to carry out a conversation with my buddy and she just kept interrupting me! I got frustrated and said, "I am sorry but being a whore does not make you more important than people, especially an airborne soldier like myself, so how about you go stuff another cock in your mouth or just shut your fucking trap!"

For some reason, this truth really angered her and she tried to punch me. I tried to use her momentum against my throwing a palm thrust at her fist but just fucked up her wrist instead. When she fell to the ground in pain her fag boyfriend tried to swing at me. I side stepped and blocked his punch. I tried to hit him in the chin but he leaned forward too much and I hit him in the chest. It was good enough to knock the wind out of him for half a minute though.

So for half a minute there were too weak bitches on the ground in pain. As this happened my buddy just stood there being black and saying, "Oh shit nigga!!!! Youz crazy nigga!!!"

I just split after that and my buddy told me he pretended to not know my name so I could avoid any punishment for assault and battery. I have not heard anything so far today, and I doubt I will actually receive any punishment. Shit tends to get swept under the rug with this unit.

Now if you are going to bitch about me hurting a girl that attacked me, well then you are not a firm believer in equal opportunity.




Have an airborne day,
565 Airborne, out.

Fett's Vette

I bully my friends.

Mulan: about being asian

Jazzy: I always call her a slut

Poon Boy: for having the most sensitive nipples ever

J-Hound: for not being a man slut

Trenches: I always remind him my unit is better than his

Careeeesa: because of "things" I found out that belonged to her

Magpie: for dating a jew

Das Auge: because he's blind in one eye


Truth is I only do it because I am bored and I LOVE to joke around. These people and any other friends I did not mention are awesome and I never for once take for granted the friendships I have been blessed with.

So as a tribute to my friends and them sticking with me through all my crazy antics, I am going to walk back and forth to the laundry room wearing only a pair of boxers that are too small. I am doing this until all my laundry is done. Sure it's 2am and not many people are outside, but someone will notice and I do not care.

It is too hot to wear clothes anyways.





Have an airborne day,
565 Airborne, out.

Porn WAF

Still cleaning out my inbox.

Found this message that Poon Boy sent me while I was in basic training.

From: Poon Boy
To: xD Date: Jul 9, 2007 2:41 PM

Subject: PORN WAF!

thats it, ive actually done it. i have found a porn with a fish in it. lolololol!
http://www.XTube.com/play_re.php?v=985orgfy7ss&cl=XBMaRkiJoqU
enjoy... hahaha

Communication

Another old message I found in my inbox. This is a conversation Big Mike had with a mutual friend. So of course he forwarded me the original message and his response. He has this tendency to word things so he is still insulting and apologetic at the same time.



From: ~Ruby~Date: Jan 23, 2008 7:34 PM
you know what michael, i don't ask for much. but i do need you to respect me. but you obviously don't, and i really don't care anymore. wow, you're not afraid of me, so you don't respect me? thats bullshit and you know it. you know what, im done with this. i don't deserve this from you or anyone for that matter.

From: Big Mike Date: Jan 23, 2008 9:29 PM
you're right and that's what i've been trying to tell you. Maybe you need to work on your listening skills.

Snake's 40 Dollar Rule

I found this from over a year ago.
I am sure my friends know who said this.


"okay so ur going out with a girl, and u go out to dinner or whatever, and she orders her food, and you guys maybe go see a movie. well before u spend over 40 bucks, u better be goddamn sure as fuck that u are at least getting a blowjob, and at the very least a handjob, and if ur desperate a long make out session. if u dont feel that this is going to happen, use the old "oh i just realized i wrote a check for (fill in the blank) and im a little low on dough on my debit" then she pays xD."





Have an airborne day,
565 Airborne, out.